And at that moment, my breath was ripped out of my lungs and my sight blinded, a white veil concealing the real world around me.
A Vision: fast, unanticipated, and so strong that the only thing I could do was watch the scene unfold before me.
Long red hair. She’s hugging J, covering his face with her kisses.
What does his face tell me?
Happiness. Surprise. Shock, maybe? I cannot tell.
Who is she?
I know this.
Monica.
Why is she here?
I know this too.
I brought her here.
“I can’t believe all that’s happened…” Her red hair bounces as she shakes her head in excitement. “Jonathan, I am so happy that you are here, and I am here, and we are together.” She hugs him tight, folding her hands around his neck. He hugs her back, her red curls partially trapped under his arms.
Jonathan.
I frown. I never realized J wasn’t his full name.
Jonathan.
I look at him again. His face is bright with excitement and joy, as is everyone else’s. They are talking excitedly.
But I don’t hear anything anymore. Silence on the moving lips of the people I had grown to love.
I feel it, deep in my chest. The pain. Wild firing of the synapses in my solar plexus—breaking my heart.
I inhale sharply. My lungs, devoid of air for too long, hurt sharply as I push the air inside. My eyes are stinging.
J’s hands are on my shoulders, his expression worried as he looks at my face.
“Dora! Dora, what’s the matter? Are you okay?” He comes close to me, moves a strand of hair off my face, and folds it behind my ear, keeping his hand on the side of my neck. “You saw something, didn’t you?”
“No!” I say and shake my head.
His shoulders drop. “Hmm… all right, you can tell me later… but tell me in time to change it if it’s something bad, okay?”
In time to change it…
How could this be changed?
Pain.
Again.
Deep in my chest, bringing tears to my eyes.
I try to fight it.
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?
It’s late afternoon. The others are talking constantly, excited to be returning home. J and I are silent. He keeps holding my hand, keeps glancing at me every few seconds.
What can I tell him?
I don’t have to.
He will see it soon enough.
As we approach the village, the group begins to realize that something is different.
There is a lot of commotion. Many people are on the ground, standing in the open field where the bonfire was. They are clearly expecting our arrival. As we come closer, my nanoprobes notify me that there are many faces I haven’t seen before. Human faces. The new arrivals are talking to the villagers.
They all seem – joyous. Carefree.
It looks like a moment of true happiness.
Except for me…
Because I have seen what will happen next.
And there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.
I look down at my hand in J’s, as he pushes forward like the rest of the group, eager to find out what has changed.
Then – I release his hand. And he doesn’t notice. He walks on ahead, and I fall behind. The villagers walk forward to meet us. Their voices are mixed-up as everybody tries to explain what has happened.
And I look at this firework of joy and feel like an outsider.
An alien.
A Descendant.
I turn my head a bit to look at several more people joining the gathering.
And that’s when I see her.
Curly red hair.
She’s beautiful.
She keeps turning, stretching her neck, looking through the crowd. She is searching for J.
I move a step backward, trying to distance myself and my feelings from what is about to come.
And then she sees him, her lips spreading into a broad smile, she pushes ahead and starts to run. She’s coming from his side, so he doesn’t see her yet. She hugs him tightly. He turns to look at her, speechless and pale. She’s still holding him, not letting go. Realization finally sinks in, and he turns to her and embraces her in a strong grasping hug.
And keeps holding on.
Everything is silent for me now. I know there are sounds, laughter, cries, and shouts.
But I can’t hear any of it.
I am hollow.
As I retreat back into my safe Senthien, my Human sheds tears to see me go. And cries for a life that could have been.
Chapter 25
My feet are bare on the ground. Earth, a patch of grass, some fallen dried leaves under my feat. I walk. I can see green all around me. It calms me. I just walk, my thoughts drifting aimlessly.
Then I stop.
In front of me is a tree. Thick, with a smooth brown-beige crust reaching up high before the first branches start.
Around the bottom of the trunk there is another plant, growing tightly around it. A bright green plant hugging the large tree with many fingers… trapping it with its grip… closing on it…
I come close to the tree and touch it with my palms. My nails are lightly green, the same shade as the bright green of my eyes.
I lower my gaze to the bright green plant crawling up the tree.
Yes, the same color of this strangling plant.
I look up at the tall tree.
I need to let him go.
I will let him go.
And the pain deep inside my chest pushes out the tears I was fighting against. They flow like a stream down my cheeks, blurring my sight, soaking the dry earth next to the tree with salty drops.
I’m sobbing.
I cannot stop.
I fold the soft beige dress, and place it on my bed, gently brushing my hand against the fabric. I leave my hand there for a moment, half bent over the bed, clenching my teeth and fighting tears.
I remember my mother telling me something: she said that there is no reason to be afraid if there is only one choice to be made. And there is no other choice but to leave.
I close my eyes, heavy tears drip onto my folded clothes.
What other choice could there be?
I stand up, swallow, and slowly open my eyes. I let out a deep, long breath with a deliberate attempt to calm myself. And it works.
I breathe in again and empty my mind.
I hear footsteps coming over the bridge and recognize Tania’s gait. She knocks quickly and enters without me answering. I turn around. She looks at my eyes, then my skinsuit, and then my eyes again. She tilts her head and narrows her eyes.
“Dora… are you going somewhere?” Her voice is higher than usual.
“I need to collect specific information from some locations outside the village. My E-band is fully functional now, and I can collect the data.”
“Data? What data? Why do you want to do that now? And why are you wearing your skinsuit?” She shakes her head while piling up her questions.
“My E-band functions optimally when connected to the skinsuit.”
Tania looks at me without saying a word. Then she lifts her head slightly and says, “Should I still call you Dora, or do you prefer Dana now?”
I open my eyes wide. My Senthien is speechless and my Human feels hurt.
For a moment, I fear that all the emotions will pour back, making me soft, powerless, and vulnerable. I relax my shoulders and breathe out.
“On Earth, as I have learned, the first name is the preferred calling name. I would still like to be addressed as Dora. Thank you for asking.”
Tania sighs and comes close to me before I have time to move backward. She holds me by my shoulders and looks into my eyes. Her close proximity is uncomfortable.
“Dora, I know… I can imagine how you feel… I really can. But—” She stops and closes her eyes for a moment. “Ple
ase, don’t do anything that you might regret afterward.”
She looks at me and I can feel the emotions behind her words. For a moment, I am tempted to put my Human in front of my Senthien, but I realize that I can’t. Not if I am about to do what I had planned.
I take one step backward. Her arms remain frozen in the same position as when she held my shoulders, as if unable to believe my reaction. Her eyebrows fold, and she drops her arms again.
“There is no reason for you to worry, Tania. I do appreciate your concern. I just need to collect some information.”
Tania’s shoulders drop a bit and she whispers, “All right.”
She is silent for a moment and then she says, shaking her head, “I never expected … I don’t know how this—“
“I do.”
She looks up. “You do?”
“Using my E-band, I sent a power surge to your installation. This also initiated the de-freeze of the second batch.”
She keeps looking at me, not saying a word.
I take a deep breath and slowly say, “I… brought her here.”
We look at each other for a long moment, and then Tania says, “I am sorry, Dora. I really am. Take the time you need, but let’s talk once you are back, okay?”
I nod.
She turns away to leave but then swings back quickly. “Don’t go too far from the village… please.”
I force a smile. “Okay.”
She walks to the door but turns to me once again. “And don’t go swimming anywhere!”
I almost laugh. “Agreed.”
I will miss her.
She smiles back and turns around to walk through the door, but bumps into J. They look at each other, neither of them saying a word. Tania shakes her head slightly and straightens her body.
I have the feeling that she is trying to communicate something to J without saying a word. J turns to me and looks up and down at my skinsuit. Then, opening his mouth slightly, he looks back at Tania.
I leave them to exchange their nonverbal communication and walk to the table. I have four small sticks of bread that I push into the thigh pockets of my skinsuit. I take the flat leather water bottle and hold it in my hand for a second, looking down at my skinsuit. I wish I had a suitable pocket somewhere on me. I bend down and strap the bottle securely to my thigh.
“That will not last you longer than a day, you know.”
I turn around. Tania has left and J is standing calmly, blocking the exit of my cottage.
“I am aware of this, Jonathan. I do not need supplies to last me longer than a day.”
He swallows, and I can see that his calmness is leaving him.
He steps closer, and I move backward.
His breath catches in his throat as he stares at me.
There is a long moment of silence while I fight the urge to run to him and hold him in a strong embrace and never let go.
But I don’t.
Because this needs to be his decision.
“Is there something that you wanted to tell me, Jonathan?” I say, and I can feel that I’m hoping for an answer I want to hear.
“I’m sorry, Dora,” J says and deeply bows his head. “I am so sorry.”
And the sharp pain pierces straight through my rib cage, bleeding my heart. And for a moment, I cannot take a breath. My throat is shut, and I can’t even begin to call out for my Senthien.
I can’t see J’s face, but his shoulders are shaking.
He is crying.
“Monica,” he whispers. “She… she doesn’t know… for her it has only been two days since we last saw each other. This is where I was nine years ago. I can’t… I can’t…” And his voice fails, tears streaming down his face.
I make a deliberate effort and walk over to him. I place my palm on his face, wiping away tears on his cheek.
“That’s okay, J. I understand. You need time.”
He looks at me intently with a question in his eyes and then nods slightly. “Yes, time. I need time.”
Then he suddenly takes me in his arms and hugs me so tightly that my ribs hurt. We stay like this for a very long time, and I am tempted to change my mind.
Then he lets me go, takes a deep breath, and looks at me.
His eyes narrow slightly and he asks in a stronger voice, “Are you… are you all right?”
I am—shattered in pieces, J. “Yes, I am fine. Take all the time you need.”
I smile, but he still looks serious. I wonder for a second if my words didn’t have the right intonation to sound like a truth.
He nods, lowering his gaze to the floor, and I realize I am getting impatient to leave.
“I want to use the daylight.”
“Yes… I see… all right.”
He starts turning, but then stops and asks, “Do you want anyone to accompany you? Someone who knows the area, so you don’t get lost?”
I lift up my forearm to show him the E-band screen. “My E-band works properly again. I won’t get lost.”
“Oh, right. Well, don’t go too fa—never mind.” He looks at me and attempts a smile. “You’re self-sufficient. You can take care of yourself.”
I clench my teeth. Self-sufficient. And alone.
“Yes. I can take care of myself. Always have.” And always will.
He looks at me and frowns, sensing a hidden meaning behind my words.
I look down at my skinsuit, checking that I have everything I planned to bring.
“I will see you later,” I say with a confident tone, then loop around him and leave.
Chapter 26
My skinsuit seems tight and gripping to my body, and I make exaggerated movements when walking to release the pressure, but the pressure stays. I lift my left arm to look at the screen, walking in the direction the E-band is showing me. The scan I did for a natural porting field resonator resulted in specific coordinates on the Earth’s surface. Comparing these coordinates to the map my nanoprobes compiled while traveling with Stevanion, I assume this is the place where Stevanion and I ported to, and where all other Jumpers arrived as well.
I continue walking.
Ferns slide and gently touch my legs, but I can’t feel them; my skinsuit completely blocks physical contact. I look down at the plants.
It’s better this way.
Still, I brush my open palm against the ferns as I walk, the soft leaves tickling and stroking my skin. I keep looking at these green fountains around me, covering the moist brown soil and giving way to the tall, broad, curved trees, their first branches starting high up the air. I look up at the crowns of the trees, but walking in this position gives me a slight neck ache.
I continue to be amazed at this world, this wealth of green and blue that Humans decided to leave.
I bow my head, realizing that I am about to do the same.
I lift my arm again, checking the way, and then change my direction just slightly to follow the map.
What am I going to do?
Where am I going to go?
I don’t know, but I can’t stay here.
Not here.
J has what he’s wanted for a long time. And I’m happy for him.
I think I’m happy.
But I can’t stay. I need to go. Anywhere but here.
I wish that my Senthien were strong enough to keep my grief contained so that I could still stay here, in this amazing, natural, rich world.
But it is not, because my Human has become too strong.
Ahead of me I see a tight net of lianas webbed between two large trees, making an obstacle I’d need to walk around. And the next moment, in my mind, I see J’s dark eyes, very close to mine. I see his untidy hair, one strand falling over his forehead. And I remember him smiling. And I realize I will never see it again.
And I cry.
Once more.
Tears rolling down, cooling the skin on my cheek as they dry on the light breeze. My throat is tight and burning, and I fight hard not to sob. But I fail, and I’m happy the birds above ar
e the only ones to hear me.
After a few moments, I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes with the backs of my hands. I hold the breath and then exhale shakily. I start walking again. I had no Vision. I have no idea whatsoever if my plan to port will work—and if it does, I don’t know where I’m going to go. But I don’t really care.
After an hour, I find a short thick tree with large teardrop leaves, making an umbrella cover over its surrounding. I don’t think it will rain tonight, but I realize I like this natural green roof on top of me. I peel soft white bark from the neighboring tree to cover myself and lie down.
Sleep doesn’t come for a long while, but I keep my eyes closed, listening to the sounds of nature, trying hard to remember and keep every one of them, not on my nanoprobes, but in my memory.
By midmorning the next day, I reach my original porting site. I look around. Nothing here makes me think this place is different from any other place on Earth, but it must be.
I search for information about this place using my E-band. And as I scan all the different variables in this spot, suddenly, the E-band gives me an unmistakable answer.
Underneath me, covered by five thousand years of soil and undergrowth, lies a portation chamber. The same type that was built into all the Seedships to enable portation once the Mind was completely functional.
I look down at the dark, moist soil, thinking of the chamber underneath me.
Humans left one porting chamber here before they left. Perhaps they were hoping to come back when the time was right? I checked my nanoprobes’ data. The coordinates for this porting chamber were never listed in any of the porting registers. Somebody had made sure to keep it a secret.
I sit down, cross my legs, and wait. Countless thoughts cross my mind, but every second one is of J. It will pass, I tell myself, it has to. The deep throbbing pain inside my chest starts again and I close my eyes to fight the tears, starting to hate this useless Human part of me.
I open my eyes and exhale, bringing the strong, calm, and unemotional Senthien back. I feel the muscles in my face relaxing and my face unfolds from the painful grip of sorrow.
I lift up my E-band and enter the instruction to generate a hyperspace field. The icon blinks on my screen. I look around one more time, and then tap it to proceed.
The Senthien (Descendants of Earth Book 1) Page 24
