I smiled and released her from my hold, gliding my hands down the sides of her body and curving them over her ass. “Agreed. Then again, you could always put that spark to good use.” I pressed us closer.
“You should go,” she breathed, her eyes closing.
She could have said fuck me now for all the strength her words held.
“I made promises. I intend to keep them.” I caught her thigh, hooked it over my hip, and pressed her against the wall with a quiet thud. She gasped, her hands fisting in my shirt. I bridged the small space between us, sealing my mouth to hers. Our tongues tangled in a heated rush. I could taste her fire, the white-hot desire between us. I lifted her, wrapped her legs around my waist, and carried her to the bed.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
MAYA. He’d stripped us down in seconds, sinking me onto the bed beneath him. He rested his hard body between my legs. His caresses were firm, almost calculating, and so slowly rendered that they filled me with an intoxicating anticipation. His lips teased a slow path across my skin.
Goddamn it, he owned me too. I loved him and fucking hated him, how he never gave me the room I needed to run. I grasped feebly at his shoulders, pushing him away and pulling him to me at once.
He moved over me, undeterred. Skin against skin, he worked me over with his tongue, his lips, and the edge of his teeth until I was trembling, mindless with all the ways I wanted him.
“Beautiful…perfect.”
The love in his eyes when he said the words gutted me. The lusty rasp in his voice had me desperate, as desperate as he’d been earlier.
“And mine. You’re mine. Every feisty inch of you.” His fingertips dug into my ass, grinding my sex against his cock.
“Stop.” I pushed at him again. His words were killing me.
“Never stopping.” He dropped his lips to mine again, nibbling and sucking my lower lip. “Never leaving.”
The thought of him leaving cut through me, an old wound exposed. Everything wanted to pour out of me when he said things like that. I wrapped my arms around him, trapping him against me.
“I don’t want to think about any of that. The things you say... I can’t handle it.”
His caresses slowed as I spoke. “I can’t tell you you’re beautiful? That I love you so much it hurts?”
Fucking hell. I squeezed my eyes closed.
“Just…just want me, Cam. It doesn’t have to be about our past or how we feel.”
He paused. “Are you trying to tell me to shut up and fuck you?”
I held my breath at the crude delivery, my body arching into his infinitesimally, a silent answer. “Something like that.” A jagged breath left me.
Is that what I wanted? Something that meant a little less, so my heart didn’t explode from everything he was telling me right now? I tightened the hook of my leg around his hip, urging him to me.
His body was frozen against mine. Hesitation and lust swam in his eyes. Yes. I wanted raw and intense. I wanted to be fucked, to disappear in the blinding surge of sensation that I’d known not so long ago.
“I’ll fuck you, Maya. Within an inch of your life if that’s what you want, but you need to know there’s more between us than that. I’ve lived that kind of life, believe me. A warm body is just that, a warm loveless body. You’ll never be that for me.”
His lips feathered over the wild beating of my chest, my heart pounding against its walls. I blocked out the sounds. My jagged breathing. My heart. His voice.
“I’ll take your body, but I want your heart, Maya.”
My nipples tightened, grazing against the hard planes of his chest as he slid lower, his arms tightening around my waist. He lashed the hardened tips of my nipples with his tongue, his eyes holding my gaze seductively. His heated breaths tantalized my wet flesh. He placed an open mouthed kiss on my belly, pinpointing the enflamed coil that tightened there. Heat shot through me and I wanted him everywhere at once. Over me, inside me, fiercely taking me until I lost all sense of myself, until I forgot what those words meant.
As if in reply to my silent longing, he grabbed my hip, jerking me lower until he hovered over me. I went wet at the hint of his strength. God, the things he could do to me.
I lifted my hips until the heat of his condom-clad erection slid between the slick folds of my sex. I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw, the tension seizing all of my senses. “Now, Cameron.”
“Look at me.”
My eyes flew open at the sharp command of his voice. Before I could speak he drove into me so suddenly that I whimpered at the fullness. I opened my mouth but words caught. He took my nape with his other hand, leveraging my body so firmly that when he thrust again, I swore he hit the very end of me.
“Is this what you want?”
“Yes.” I gasped, sucking in a sharp breath as I tightened.
“Every inch of me driving into you?”
“Oh God,” I moaned. I wrapped my legs around his strong thighs as if I could possibly control his strength with my own. The first of what was sure to be many orgasms took its hold, the slow ember of desire now a wild heat rushing over me as he powered into me.
“I’ll fuck you this way until you beg me to stop. I’ll make you scream, and you’ll feel the memory of me inside you tomorrow. Is that what you want?”
“Yes… yes...” The slow tremble that vibrated through me transformed into a violent shuddering at the uncensored promises falling from his beautiful lips. My physical reaction was answer enough. I kept my gaze trained on his, but struggled to maintain the contact as he found an intense rhythm that was quickly short-circuiting my ability to think beyond my instincts.
He kissed me passionately, tenderness giving way to an urgent fucking of my mouth. I gripped his hair tightly, arching in time with his violent undulations.
“This is me, Maya. Fucking you, loving you.”
He lifted my hips a few inches off the bed, driving into me at an angle that had the room spinning. I cried out, dragging my nails down his arm, unable to control the climax that had taken me over, heart, mind and soul. Our bodies melded together, my pussy tightened down on him. I clung to him, my hands slipping against the sweat on his skin.
I couldn’t let go, every part of me entwined with him. He kept on, burying himself deeply one last time with a strangled groan, my name on his lips. The sound echoed off the walls, disappearing like the lightening of our release.
I shivered at his breath on my neck, the aftershocks of the orgasm flitting through me with the slow return to coherent thought. That had been intense, but he’d certainly delivered on his earlier promise.
He kissed me softly, brushing the hair back from my face.
“Tell me you love me, Maya.”
My jaw tightened. The words rooted in my gut somewhere, tied up by all the confused emotions surrounding our new relationship. I wanted to tell him, but even in this warm post-coital bliss, something held me back. Pride, maybe. Saying it meant forgiving everything he’d put me through, handing over my heart for real. Fully entrusting him with it again. In a way, I already had, but I needed to be able to hold something back, even if it was those three little words.
He held me in his gaze, his blue eyes tired and full of emotion. “Why can’t you say it?”
I relaxed back into the bed, running my finger along the stubble of his jaw.
“Answer me.”
“I’m not ready.” No words were truer. I wasn’t sure when I would be, but I couldn’t give in to his simple request.
He brushed his thumb over my lips. “How about I make love to you until you do?”
My lips went dry, and I licked them. He captured one, sucking it into his mouth, nipping and soothing until I moaned. I tightened my hold around him, and he kissed me deeper, like he was pouring every ounce of love he felt into me.
CAMERON. She’d already left for work when I woke up. I put my suit back on and found my way into the living room. Eli poked his head out from the kitchen.
“Hey.�
“Sorry, I was just leaving.”
“You want some coffee?”
I hesitated, unsure whether I wanted to risk a post-mortem with her roommate. He seemed good-natured but Maya was giving me enough grief. Coffee sounded good though, and necessary. I’d kept us up most of the night. My body and brain were sluggish, but not enough to regret it.
“Sure, that’d be great actually.”
I tossed my coat down on a chair while Eli tinkered in the kitchen.
My gaze caught on the black notebook resting on the bookshelf. I remembered the way Maya had grabbed it from the table, holding it close to her chest like something precious. Eli appeared beside me then with a large steaming mug.
“Thanks, man.”
“Sure. I figure we all need a little boost this morning.”
I rubbed my forehead. “Uh, yeah, sorry.” The apartment was small, and I had little doubt we’d kept Eli up too. I’d gotten all manner of dirty words pouring from Maya’s lips last night and into the morning except the one admission I’d really wanted from her. God, was she obstinate.
“Whatever.” He shrugged and settled back onto the couch. “Things getting serious with Maya, I take it?”
I moved my coat and sat down in the chair. The steam rose in tiny billows from my cup, disappearing into the air. How could I answer that?
“Getting there. She sure as hell doesn’t make it easy.”
Eli smirked. “She’s a pain in the ass.”
“You’re not kidding.”
“You love her though.”
“I’d like to think that was enough. She’s...” I blew out a breath. “I have no idea what the hell goes on in that mind of hers, Eli. I thought I knew her. I did. I mean, I knew her. Inside and out. The looks, the gestures, I could read her like a book. That’s not all gone, but this fucking warped philosophy she has on relationships is all new.”
Eli took a sip of his coffee and regarded me silently.
“She’s been through a lot.”
I nodded. Eli would have known the whole story. Hell, he probably knew more than I did. Who was I to complain? I’d created this whole damn mess.
“No need to remind me. I put her through hell and I probably deserve all of this.”
“Maybe you do, but maybe you both deserve a chance to make this work again. If you can figure out how to make that happen without hurting her again, you have my blessing. She’s my best friend, and I can see that despite everything, she’s happy with you. That’s all I want. To see her happy.”
“I’m trying. She doesn’t make it easy.”
Eli stood up and came closer. My grip tightened around the mug. I hoped he wasn’t going to try to hug me or something. He leaned over and grabbed the notebook off the shelf. He handed it to me, his lips in a tight line.
“Tell her I gave it to you, I’ll hunt you down, and they’ll never find the body.”
We shared a wordless stare before he disappeared into his bedroom. I set down the coffee cup and contemplated what I might find between the covers of the book. The notebook was light in my hands. Curiosity and pure desperation to find some clue to Maya’s carefully guarded thoughts spurred me. Carefully I opened the book, flipping through the nearly filled pages. Page after page of words, poems, doodling. I closed it again.
I stood up and paced the room. If this were anything like a diary for Maya, what I was about to do was unconscionable. Could I do this? Maybe just one page... could one page tell me something? Anything about this woman I was falling hopelessly in love with again.
I sat back down. I finished my coffee and let the minutes pass. Finally I opened the book and began to read.
Yes.
Every day, no stone unturned
A promise of more
Happy days and long nights,
Of love and living,
If I’d said yes.
Picket fences, cherub faces,
every dream realized
if I’d said
yes.
Second chances play out in a dream,
because I couldn’t
say yes.
With shaking hands I turned the page. There were dozens more. I could barely make out the words because the meaning behind the poem I’d read was swimming through my mind. Jesus Christ. I brought my hands to my face.
I’d spent days trying to dig deeper, to find out who Maya had become. A surge of hope spurred me on every time I got a hit, and now this. A fucking avalanche of feelings. And I wasn’t reading into this. I’d spent the past several hours trying to fuck the feelings out of her, and this notebook held the truth. Some of it, most of it maybe.
I stood quickly, unable to speak or formulate a single coherent thought. How could I possibly after reading that? I paced the room, wishing Maya were here so I could hear the truth straight from her lips. Would she ever give me that much? I wanted to search those fathomless brown eyes for some acknowledgement of what this meant, of everything we ever felt that had gone unsaid. The dreams I’d only shared with her, the plans we’d made for our future that could only be realized with her, no one else.
I replaced the notebook on the shelf, grabbed my coat, and rushed down the stairs. Stepping outside, I relished the painful, sobering burn of the cold air filling my lungs. I looked in the direction of my apartment and took the first steps of what I knew would be a very long walk in the opposite direction.
MAYA. Tonight was Christmas Eve. The team had thinned out until only Dermott, Jia, and I remained. We’d finished, just under the wire. As much as the holiday didn’t mean much to me, I’d hoped we could wrap up and finish early. I was exhausted and wanted to go home to Cameron. Last night had been intense. Exhausting and intense. We never used to fight, but this new version of us did. I fought and he fought harder. Then he silenced me with the kind of passion that I’d never known, the kind of wild crazy love that took us straight into the dawn. He was relentless, tireless, like he was breaking me down in his own way.
Whatever he was doing to me might have worked too. I couldn’t think about anything else. He was like a really good drug that I’d had the good sense to stay away from until now. He was in my blood, and fuck if I didn’t need him again already.
I sank back into the club chair in Dermott’s office, trying not to think about how I’d rather be rushing back to see Cameron than taking a minute for a celebratory drink now that we’d finished.
“Scotch okay?”
Jia’s lithe figure swayed toward the bar in Dermott’s office.
“Sure.” I sighed. I scanned the room, appraising the size and decor—dark woods, clean lines, and an impressive view of the glittering night sky. I tried to imagine myself here, sitting behind the enormous executive desk or looking out over New York from our forty-third floor vantage. I couldn’t imagine it. Perhaps the prospect was simply too far from the reality I was living. It certainly didn’t align with any dreams I’d had for my life before coming here.
Yet this was what I was working toward, wasn’t it? Jia was, and she was taking me along with her. Would respect and a title make all this worth it? The long nights, the years of being passed over? My tired delusions about my professional future were interrupted when Jia lowered an engraved tumbler into my grasp. “Here, drink up.”
“Thanks.”
She stood across from me, leaned against Dermott’s desk, and sipped her own. She seemed softer, younger. How, I wasn’t sure, because we’d just wrapped up a marathon workday. She smiled as I assessed her silently. There may have been an inkling of mischief in her eyes, but I was probably seeing double at this point.
“Tired?”
I closed my eyes for a second. “Glad to be done, I suppose.”
“Cheers to that.” She raised her glass and I met it with a clink.
I took another slow sip, appreciating what I knew had come from an expensive bottle. I swallowed, savoring the smoky burn.
“You did great this week, by the way.”
“Thanks, you too.”
“I wasn’t sure what to expect, but now that I’ve worked with you, I can see what an asset you’ll be. I think everyone can see that now.”
“You think so?” I beamed a little.
“Absolutely. And if they can’t, I’ll make certain they do.”
“Thank you, Jia. This was an amazing opportunity. You went out of your way for me. I realize that, and I hope you know that I appreciate it.”
“I’m happy to have done it. Perhaps you could return the favor sometime.”
“Of course.” To repay a gesture such as hers would go without saying. She’d taken a risk for me, not knowing me, and I would do whatever I could to do the same for her one day.
As I committed to that in my mind, Jia held out her hand to me. I hesitated. She curled her hand up toward her, urging me to take it. Once I did, she gave me an upward tug. I stood, taking an unsteady step closer until we faced each other.
“What?”
She hushed me, placing her finger on my lips.
“I want to finish what we started the other night.”
My eyebrows shot up. Before I could speak, she moved closer, bringing her mouth to mine. Shocked by her boldness, my lips parted instantly to suck in a breath. She took the chance to kiss me deeper, seeking out my tongue with her own. Catching my cheek in her palm, she coaxed me closer still.
“What are you doing?” I gasped, breaking our contact.
“I’m kissing you.”
“I know. I’m not sure why.”
“Because you’re beautiful, and I’m attracted to you.” She traced a line down the buttons of my blouse. “And Dermott wants to watch us.”
I went wide-eyed, my heart racing with panic and confusion. I hoped I’d misheard her. “What?”
Her brow wrinkled. “Maya, do you want to be promoted?”
“Obviously.”
“Then, relax.” She started on the top button of my blouse. “We’ll make it fun, okay?”
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