by Ella Edon
Chapter Twenty
Louisa hadn’t realized just how much she missed her sister until the carriage was pulling into the driveway. Her heart fluttered with anticipation and she focused all her attention out the window. It was a valiant effort to ignore Jerome, but it didn’t work as well as she’d hoped.
Her mind was a mess. Nothing made sense anymore. Not her feelings, not her convictions. Even her body betrayed her every chance it got. Louisa had always been very adept at being composed, nearly emotionless, even, when faced with men professing their love for her. But Jerome had the power to make her blush, to fill her with unbearable yearning, to confuse her mind and drive her mad.
His silence made it worse. After leaving her with those words this morning, Louisa had spent most of the day out in the gardens, resisting the urge to go after him. What would she have said? She could hardly come to terms with all he’d told her…that he cared for her.
The memory brought a flush to her cheeks but the rush of cold air flowing through the open door was the perfect distraction. She didn’t dare to look at him, keeping her eyes focused on the open doors where the Rutherford butler stood. He bowed upon their approach but before he could say anything, Charlotte swept into her path.
“Louisa!” she exclaimed.
Louisa nearly sagged with relief. She fell into Charlotte’s embrace, already feeling much better than she had moments go. She was still very aware of Jerome approaching from behind, but she kept her eyes on her sister even as Kenneth came up from behind her.
“I am so happy to see you,” Louisa gushed. She didn’t want to let go of her. “There is so much we need to talk about.”
“Oh?” Charlotte raised her brows in surprise.
Louisa took her hand in hers, shaking her head slightly. Then, she turned her attention to Kenneth. “You look well, Kenneth,” she greeted. “I trust you are treating my sister well?”
“Will you ask me that every time we meet?”
“Yes, so you should get used to it. I will know the moment you tell a lie.”
Kenneth huffed a laugh, rolling his eyes. “You do not scare me, Louisa, though I am sure you would like to think otherwise.”
“So you say,” Louisa sang. Her hairs stood on end when Jerome came to her side. She fell silent, finally looking up at him.
She didn’t know what she was expecting. His handsomeness, which seemingly knew no bounds, was sure to drive her insane. Louisa’s heart beat madly in her chest and she kept herself still, trying to keep her breathing stable. It was a difficult feat when all Louisa could think of was the way he’d kissed her a few days ago. And the way he had told her he cared for her.
Charlotte was looking at her. Louisa knew she could tell something was wrong, but Louisa didn’t pay her any mind. She watched as Jerome faced Kenneth, the two men sizing each other up. There was a cloud of tension hanging between them, neither one of them taking their eyes off the other.
Jerome held his hand out first. “Thank you, Your Grace,” he said, “for your invitation. I am looking forward to tonight.”
Kenneth took his hand without hesitation, though his shoulders didn’t grow any less tense. “There is no need to thank me, Mr. Cooper. Charlotte was the one who insisted.”
“How funny. Louisa is the one who insisted that we attend.”
The men still held hands, their tones dry. Louisa and Charlotte stood by, watching them with bated breaths.
“We have quite a task on our hands, don’t we?” Jerome asked after a while.
Kenneth narrowed his eyes—but then his lip twitched. “Welcome, Jerome, to the family.”
Louisa watched in surprise as the men burst into laughter, releasing their hands. Charlotte seemed bemused as well, and leaned closer to her. “Why do I feel as if they are laughing at our expense?”
“Nonsense, Charlotte,” Louisa murmured. “They couldn’t possibly be so mad.”
The men turned to face their wives then, both grinning. The shift was alarming. Whatever tension had lingered between them dissipated without a trace and they seemed like easy friends. Louisa couldn’t take her eyes off Jerome, watching the light within him. It had been a while since she’d seen him like that.
“Now,” Kenneth began. “Shall we go to the dining room?”
“Yes, let’s,” Jerome said conversationally. “I am quite famished. Louisa?”
Louisa blinked in surprise. “Y-yes?”
He calmly tilted his head to the side. “Are you ready?”
She nodded slowly, aware that all eyes were on her. His question shouldn’t have flustered her so, but she was fast beginning to realize that everything about Jerome made her react. “You need not ask me,” she tried to snap, but her tone was much too soft. “You may go along. I shall walk with Charlotte.”
He nodded without question and turned away. Kenneth fell in step beside him, Louisa staring in their wake.
“Are you all right, Louisa?” came Charlotte’s gentle voice next to her. “You do not seem like yourself.”
“Is it obvious?” Louisa asked softly, following behind them. There were a few feet separating her from Jerome, giving her free rein to stare at his broad back.
“I have never heard you stumble over your words before, for one,” Charlotte pointed out, fixing her spectacles on her face. “Has Jerome done something to you? You seem bothered by something.”
“I…do not know how to begin.” They would be arriving at the dining room soon. Louisa would lose the chance to tell her sister all that had happened and would have to wait until after they’d eaten and retired to the parlor. Louisa didn’t know how she could sit next to Jerome for so long in her current state.
“Louisa, you’re scaring me.” Charlotte laid her hand on Louisa’s arm, slowing her stride. “Are you certain you are fine?”
“I am fine,” Louisa sighed. Jerome was talking with Kenneth, his deep voice drifting towards her. “Physically, at least. I am just feeling a bit confused.”
“About what?”
“Jerome,” she murmured. She looked at her sister, taking in her confused expression. “He is the most frustrating man I have ever met.”
“You do not sound very angry,” Charlotte pointed out.
“It is because I’m not. After what he did, I should be furious with him, but—” Louisa broke off when her raised voice caught Jerome’s attention. He looked over his shoulder at her, as if to make sure she was all right. Louisa didn’t have the strength to look away.
“What did he do to you, Louisa?” Charlotte whispered, her voice filled with horror. “Please, will you say what it is so that I am no longer worried for you?”
“My apologies. We have…kissed.”
Charlotte stopped walking. Louisa slowed to a halt instead, looking into her sister’s wide, shocked eyes. “Certainly you jest!” Charlotte gasped.
“I am afraid not. We visited his father’s manor for dinner and while we returned home, Jerome kissed me. And…”
“And you liked it.”
Louisa looked sharply at her, biting her lip. Charlotte looked as if she wanted to cry and jump for joy at the same time. “Oh, heavens, I cannot believe this. Then why do you look so upset? You should be happy, shouldn’t you?”
Charlotte knew nothing of her trauma. She wouldn’t understand why having a man touch her without her recoiling in shame and disgust was such an odd occurrence. So Louisa simply said, “At the onset of our marriage, I made sure to tell him that I do not wish to pretend as if we are anything but strangers living in the same house. And yet now, I cannot help but feel drawn to him in ways I hadn’t before.”
“It is because you are attracted to him, Louisa,” Charlotte said wisely. With a broad grin, she looped her arm into Louisa’s as they continued on their way. “It is not anything you should be ashamed or frightened about. In fact, I would say it is quite expected of a man and woman who live under the same roof.”
“But we do not even share the same bed,” Louisa murmured.<
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“He is handsome, is he not?” Louisa bit her lip without responding and Charlotte giggled. “I can tell you see that, as well. It is clear that you desire him, Louisa. Perhaps it is not so bad for you to give in to your urge. He is your husband, after all.”
“I cannot,” Louisa stated firmly.
Charlotte wasn’t having any of it. “Of course you can. And if you need any help, then you need only ask me.”
“Is it the same,” Louisa probed, “between you and Kenneth?”
She didn’t take her eyes off her sister, watching a small smile appear on her lips. Her eyes were shadowed with something Louisa couldn’t name, something that made her a tad envious. “It would be rather uncouth of me to go into detail right before we are to have dinner,” Charlotte said coyly. “But I can tell you that I do feel much attraction towards him. And that has not dimmed since we have fallen in love.”
“Heavens, do not forget you have only recently given birth,” Louisa mumbled.
Charlotte tiled her head back in a lovely giggle. “I cannot make any promises.”
They arrived at the dining room just then, walking in to see the men standing by the sideboard with a glass of wine in their hands. Their conversation was cut short when Louisa and Charlotte entered. Kenneth lifted his hands into the air. “Ah, you two have finally arrived. I feared you might have gotten lost.”
“Please, Kenneth,” Louisa responded instantly. “Your jests are not what they used to be.”
“Ouch,” Jerome winced as he came over to claim his seat.
Kenneth scowled then shook his head at Jerome as he too took the seat at the head of the table. “I do not know how you handle her, Jerome,” he said amiably. “For as long as I have known Louisa, she has always been a handful.”
Louisa opened her mouth to respond but Jerome beat her to it. “She is a challenge,” he agreed with a nod. He was gazing at her as he spoke, taking her breath away. “But I do not think I would have it any other way.”
Breathe, Louisa! She looked away from him, picking up her wine. She tried her best not to gulp down half of it in desperation. When she looked back up, she could have sworn he was hiding a smile.
Charlotte’s words echoed in her head. It would not be so bad to give in to my urge…
It shocked her to see how much she wanted Charlotte to be right, how much she wanted to rely on her words. As she sat next to Jerome, that yearning crept over her like a black wave. Conversation struck up without her, every ounce of Louisa’s attention on any move Jerome made.
Louisa knew she should still be upset with him for deceiving her. But with the way she felt now, Louisa couldn’t help the thought that ran through her head. Would it truly be that bad?
Chapter Twenty-One
Night fell, and the air in the dining room soon became relaxed. They all talked and laughed with each other with such ease that Louisa nearly forgot all her worries. But then, the smooth red wine that accompanied each meal was enough to relax her bones and kept her from overthinking for the rest of the night.
There was still a soft buzz in her ears, her movements slow and groggy. Even so, Louisa was quite aware of where she was and what she was doing. As the night wore on and dinner came to an end, they had all decided to resign to the parlor in favor of games and more wine. It had reminded Louisa of that night with the Duke of Leinster, but none of the negative emotions were present.
Instead of betrayal and shock, she felt relaxed and happy. But instead of simple warmth and comfort, Louisa felt as if she might go mad with her need.
She’d handled herself well, however. As she indulged in more wine, she’d learned how to come back to the Louisa she once was, always composed no matter what was happening. She’d chided Kenneth easily and laughed with Charlotte. And, though looking at Jerome made her heart clench, she had been able to talk to him as if there was nothing sitting like cold blocks between them.
Now, none of that easiness remained. Silence hung like rainclouds within the carriage as they made their way home. Louisa was struggling to keep her eyes off him. Jerome hadn’t looked at her once.
How should I do this? I cannot very well ask him, can I?
She bit her lip, curling her hands into fists. Ever since her conversation with Charlotte, Louisa had been entertaining the idea of bridging the gap she’d created between her and Jerome. She envied the closeness between Charlotte and Kenneth. Louisa hadn’t realized that she had been devising a plan in her head ever since then.
“Jerome—”
He looked at her, lifting a single brow. Though she didn’t lose her confidence, Louisa hadn’t a clue what to say. “Yes?” he asked.
“It’s nothing,” she said after a moment, looking back outside. She felt his eyes linger for a while before he returned his gaze out the window again.
I simply do not know what to do. Desperation bled through her, mingling with the longing. The wine had managed to give her an extra dose of courage, but it somehow brought her need to untamable heights. It was absurd, she couldn’t help but think, and yet she wanted nothing more than to feel his lips on hers again.
The carriage slowed to a stop in front of their home. Louisa’s heart began to race. If she didn’t do something soon, she would lose her chance.
But nothing came to her mind. As she was helped from the carriage, she sought out Jerome, his large frame evident within the shrouding darkness. Ever the kind one, he made sure she had fully alighted from the carriage before he led the way up to the doors. Is he tired of my rejections? Why is he being so distant?
Perhaps distant was not the best way to describe it. He did not ignore her, and he was still the same caring man who seemed to always put her needs first. But he didn’t try to make conversation with her the entire carriage ride. After the comment he had made about enjoying a challenge, Jerome had been politely reserved.
Louisa stared at his broad back as they stepped into the swath of golden candlelight shining within the foyer. “Jerome.”
He turned at his name, a question in his eyes. “Yes, what is it?”
“Are you well?”
He blinked, the question clearly throwing him off guard. “Do I not seem so?”
“You have been silent.” She didn’t know how her voice was so steady. Her heart was racing. “So I could not help but wonder.”
“I appreciate the concern, but I am merely tired.”
“Ah…I see.”
He tilted his head to the side. Despite the candlelight, she couldn’t decipher his expression. “Is there something else you would like to say to me?”
There was, but Louisa hadn’t a clue how to go about it. This was foreign territory and though she knew she wanted something, she didn’t know exactly what. She only knew it involved him.
“It seems as if you do,” he said slowly. His eyes were glowing. “You know where my bedchamber is located. When you are ready to tell me, do not hesitate to come.”
With that said, Jerome turned and ascended the staircase, leaving Louisa staring after him. She opened her mouth to call him back, but she still wasn’t sure of the right words to use and so she let him go, not letting herself relax until he was finally out of sight.
“Goodness, Louisa,” she murmured to herself. “You act all high and mighty and yet you cannot muster up the courage to tell your husband that you are growing to like him.”
It was the first time she’d admitted it aloud, and though it felt good, it didn’t feel right if it wasn’t going to him. She knew she had to tell him, but that would also mean so much more. It would mean she would have to share things with him she’d never told a soul before. She would have to be at her most vulnerable.
That was what kept her rooted to the spot. Even though she knew now that she was aroused by him. Even though Louisa had come to terms with the fact that she’d grown to be fond of him. She could not grow accustomed to knowing that she might bare her soul to him if she was not careful.
“You are overthinking again,�
� she whispered to herself, gathering her determination. “I shouldn’t think. I should just do what I want. Just as I always have.”
With that said, Louisa took off towards the staircase. She still felt a little dizzy from the wine, but she was far from drunk. If anything, the wine only spurred her on, drove her lust wild. Perhaps, had it been any other night, Louisa would have stayed away from him, no matter how intense the yearning grew. Tonight, it simply was not possible.
A wave of nervousness washed over her as she drew closer to his bedchamber. She’d never considered that one day she would be coming here willingly, with intention trembling throughout her body. She came to a stop before the wooden door and knocked without giving herself the chance to think.
