Upon their destruction, these once beautiful flowers would be used to soothe and heal. And there was nothing more beautiful than that. And in a way, it reminded me of Eagle and me.
I’d been beautiful once. I’d been happy and lighthearted, my only thoughts of my family and my future. I imagined Eagle had been beautiful once too. His eyes not quite so hard, his brow not so heavy, the lines on his face not nearly as pronounced. This world had crushed us, ground us to dust beneath its brutal heel.
Then something had brought us together. Fate or not, the dust that remained of us both had been brought together, creating something not quite whole, but healing, and no less beautiful.
“Oh, sweetie,” Alice said.
As I swiped away an errant tear sliding down my cheek, I glanced up to find her leaning over the table.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “I mean, I’ve heard that he can be . . .” Her concerned expression turned to one of discomfort. “I’ve heard that he can be a little rough,” she finished on a whisper.
Wondering how she’d learned that, my cheeks grew hot. I knew about Liv, but were there others? And how many?
Shrugging, I swallowed back my jealousy and resumed grinding the flowers. “I’m okay,” I mumbled, instantly hating how upset I sounded. I wanted to be strong, strong enough for Eagle, not this skittish nervous wreck of a girl who was always second-guessing herself.
“I’m okay,” I repeated, stronger this time. Raising my chin, I met Alice’s gaze and offered her a smile. “I really am.”
Whatever Eagle’s past consisted of, unless he decided to share it with me, it was none of my business. I wasn’t going to let it taint the first stirrings of happiness I’d felt in a very long time.
Pressing her lips together, Alice studied me for a moment. “Yes,” she murmured, then smiled. “Yes, you are, aren’t you? Of course you are.”
Her smile growing, she shook her head. “After you’d left with Jonah, E showed up here demanding to know where you were. I thought for sure he was going to lose it and wreck the place. Wreck me, even. Sweetie, he was so worried about you, scared too. Sure, he tried hiding it. No man, and definitely not that man, shows any sort of weakness around here, especially not over a woman. E has the best poker face there is, but I saw it—I saw him. He cares about you. Deeply, is my guess.”
I stared at her, somewhat shocked and unsure how to respond. I’d known he was upset, but I supposed I really hadn’t known to what extent.
Seeing my expression, Alice chuckled softly. “Don’t be afraid of his feelings,” she continued. “In a world like this, it’s normal to latch onto whatever good comes your way. Embrace it, is my advice, cherish it, because . . .” Her smile slipping, she looked away and blinked several times. “Because you never know when it’s going to be ripped away from you.”
Turning away, Alice moved toward the shelves lining the back wall and began pulling down small bottles. “Don’t push him, though,” she said over her shoulder.
“Push him?” I asked, frowning.
“For more than he can give.”
I stared at her back, unsure how to respond, my thoughts still ablaze with the knowledge that Eagle had acted so irrationally after finding me gone.
“Jonah was married before,” she said. “Married with kids and a grandkid on the way. He still can’t talk about them, and I don’t push him.”
Setting down her bottles, she turned to face me. “I don’t know much about E, only bits of gossip here and there, but I do know a broken man when I see one. All that anger is hiding some very real pain. And I’m sure he’ll give you what he can, but we all have limits, you know? Some of us won’t ever truly recover.”
“I don’t want to fix him,” I said quietly. The thought had never even occurred to me. I just wanted to be with him. To be strong and sturdy and survive by his side.
“I’m not saying he can’t make you happy.” Alice continued as if she hadn’t heard me. “I’m just warning you not to wish for things that are no longer possible.”
What did that mean? She and Jonah seemed so blissfully happy together that I couldn’t imagine she was speaking from experience. Was she trying to tell me that this—what E and I had together—wasn’t going to last? I didn’t know and I didn’t understand, but neither did I want to hear any more from her and risk losing what little newfound happiness I had. In fact, I found myself wanting to snarl at her for putting these confusing thoughts in my head.
Looking away, I resumed grinding the flowers with vigor. Alice didn’t know Eagle, not like I did. He didn’t have to save me, or care for me while I was sick. She didn’t know him at all. She hadn’t seen the look on his face when I told him I wanted more than just his kisses. She didn’t know what it was like to have him inside her, to be joined to him in every possible way and look up into those dark, unfathomable eyes and see the man behind the mask. Only I had seen those things.
And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it didn’t matter what she thought. Eagle and I would never be like her and Jonah, and that was just fine with me.
• • •
I felt Eagle before I saw him. A prickling sensation that ran up and down my arms prompted me to turn toward the door just before it opened. His large body filling the small space, Eagle’s gaze found mine, and the corner of his mouth quirked ever so slightly.
I smiled at him. All day I’d looked forward to this moment, eager to see him and desperate to be back home.
“You done?” he asked, and we both turned to Alice. She gave Eagle a smile and me an exuberant nod, her short hair bobbing around her face.
I flashed Alice a smile and hurried through the small office, past Eagle and into the hall. Letting the door slam shut behind him, Eagle started forward, grabbing my hand as he passed me. He walked quickly, his steps sure and with purpose, leaving me racing to keep up.
We’d just rounded a corner into a dark, empty hall when I found myself pushed up against the wall. Eagle’s hands were on my waist, lifting me up as his mouth came crashing down over mine.
It was instant, like a switch being flipped on. One second I was scurrying to keep up with him, wondering what was going to happen once we were home and alone again, and the next I was melting beneath him.
With my back firmly pressed against the wall, I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, and kissed him back. I could feel him through his jeans, hard and ready, pressing against me, and even though I shouldn’t be, not with as sore as I was, I rubbed against him, eager for more.
“Not here,” he muttered suddenly, pulling away. But as he looked me over, he made no move to set me down, and I didn’t release him.
“Why?” I whispered. He obviously wanted more and I definitely wanted more. Oh God, do I want more? I’d never realized that once it had happened—sex—that I’d find myself thinking of little else.
“Don’t forget to lock it.” Jonah’s voice carried down the hall, and Eagle and I both turned toward the sound.
“Do I ever?” Alice laughed, and I could hear the jingling of keys. “Jonah?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m a little worried about Autumn.”
At the mention of my name, I stiffened in Eagle’s arms.
“How so?” Jonah asked.
“Eagle . . . She’s a bit young for him, don’t you think? And he’s a bit much for anyone to have to deal with, but especially for someone so fragile.”
Feeling a sudden surge of anger, I twisted in Eagle’s arms, wishing he would set me down. When he didn’t, I glared at him.
“I’m not fragile,” I whispered angrily.
Eagle stared back at me impassively, his lack of expression only furthering my annoyance.
Jonah chuckled. “Alice, no one still alive today should ever be classified as fragile. You told me yourself you thought she was strong. And whether or not E is too much to deal with is none of our business. Don’t you go poking that bear. You get on his bad side, and Jeff
ers and Liv will follow. We can’t afford any trouble.”
“I know, I know. And of course she’s strong. It’s just that sometimes she just looks so . . . young.”
“My dear, no one is young anymore . . .”
Their voices drifted off, fading along with their footsteps.
“I’m not fragile,” I repeated, snarling.
Eagle grinned at me then, a genuine grin that lit up his entire face and crinkled the corners of his eyes. It was such a shocking and startling sight that I nearly gasped. I’d seen him smile before, at least I thought I had, and I’d even seen him grin, but his grins were usually more of the menacing variety, full of painful promises.
This was wholly different. This was what Alice couldn’t see, what she never would see. Because this grin, it was for me and me alone. It was all mine.
As his grin melted into a smirk, he set me down and took hold of my hand. “Let’s go.”
The chilled air smelled dirty, unlike the spicy and sweet scent of the doctor’s office, filled with flowers and herbs. There were too many people outside, their sweat and dirt hanging in the air like a filthy blanket.
“Hurry up, Squirrel.” Eagle pulled on my arm, and to my surprise tucked me against his side.
Suddenly the noise and the smells didn’t bother me as much. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel comfortable in Purgatory, but at least when I was with him, it was bearable. More than bearable, even.
Quickly rounding the last group of buildings, we entered the field. Off to our right was one of the two large parking lots, and straight ahead, at the tail end of the lot was the garage. And above the garage was the outline of the moon, just barely visible in the dying sunlight.
I glanced up at Eagle, visually tracing the harsh lines of his face, once again thinking about this morning, and my body reacted to my thoughts with a warming sensation.
Would it ever stop? Lessen? This wanting more of him? Or would it always be like this between us?
“Will what always be like what?” Eagle asked, frowning at me.
My eyes widened and I pressed my lips together. I didn’t realize I’d spoken aloud.
“Nothing,” I mumbled, looking off in the distance.
Eagle pulled me to a stop and stared down at me. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
I opened my mouth, a lie on the tip of my tongue, but was cut off by a shrill shriek. We both glanced toward the garage and at the sight of Adam appearing from beneath the garage’s tarpaulin, and directly behind him was Liv. From this distance I couldn’t make out what they were saying, only that they were both shouting and both appeared very agitated.
Beside me Eagle went rigid, every inch of him suddenly on high alert. What would he do, I wondered, if I weren’t with him? Would he go over there? Would he talk to her? Yell at her?
My stomach clenched at the thought. After everything she’d said about her and Eagle together—and everything that she hadn’t said, the things that I’d guessed at—I didn’t want him anywhere near her.
A small snarl tore free from my throat, surprising me, and suddenly Eagle’s hand was grabbing mine and pulling me forward.
“Don’t start that shit again,” he muttered.
I stayed glued to his side while my gaze remained on Liv and Adam, silently willing Liv to look our way. Finally she did, spotting us as we were rounding the edge of the lot. Her eyes locked with mine, and fury etched itself deeply in her pointed features. Gripping Eagle’s hand tighter, I smiled at her.
Of course I knew better. It wasn’t smart to poke at an already enraged beast, but at the same time I wanted her to know where she stood. That no matter how terrified I was of her, what she’d once had with Eagle, she couldn’t have it anymore.
He was mine now.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Eagle
Autumn was goddamn addictive.
Folding my arms over my chest, I leaned my shoulder against the door frame. My eyes on her sleeping form, I gazed up and down her bare body. It had been a hell of a long time since I’d actually stepped back and appreciated a naked woman. I’d never wanted to look at them before; they were bodies without faces and a means to an end, a way to flush out the unwanted feelings always simmering inside me.
But this was different, so fucking different. Looking at Autumn, the way her body curved in all the right places, how soft and inviting her breasts looked. Even her mouth was turning me on. Her lips all red and swollen, puffy and ravaged from the rasp of my beard, they turned me the fuck on.
I’d forgotten what fucking a virgin was like. Not that I was exactly complaining, but the last time I’d been with a virgin, I was a teenager myself. I wasn’t a teenager anymore, which was painfully apparent. Twice in one day was me on a good day, usually fueled by something much darker than lust. Three times was severely pushing it. I hadn’t even finished this last time.
And still I wanted more.
Even now, with my body spent, needing food and sleep, I still wanted more. Not that I could actually do jack shit about it. My dick was as limp as a dead fish. But that didn’t stop me from wanting.
Yeah, Autumn and her eager mouth and insatiable body were goddamn addictive.
I stepped away from the wall and crossed the room quietly, then took a seat beside her on the mattress. Pushing a few stray strands of hair away from her face, I trailed my fingertips down her cheek and over her lips.
She was half lying on her side, and had kicked the blanket off. When I gently rolled her onto her back and brought the comforter up to her waist, she stirred slightly, her lips puckering and her eyelids fluttering before she resumed snoring.
Reaching up, I placed my hand between her breasts, feeling for the soft thud of her heartbeat. It was there, strong and steady, as was my own. They synced, the thudding inside me and the tempo in her chest, and the same sense of calm that I felt when kissing her washed over me.
I didn’t know how she could do this, or what about her made me feel like this. I only knew that now I felt it, I didn’t want to lose it. I couldn’t lose it. Grazing over both her breasts, I traveled lower, tracing the small scar on her abdomen before pushing away the blanket entirely.
I should have let her sleep. Fuck, I should have been sleeping, but I wanted to see it one more time before I let the nightmares consume me. I needed to see it and I needed to feel it. Because, shit, there were no more guarantees, only that death was coming for us all. And if death was coming for me sooner rather than later, I was goddamn going to see that look on her face as much as I could before it took me.
Pushing her thighs apart, I looked my fill of her, still slightly awed and angered that she’d actually come back here. Why had she come back? And what the fuck was she thinking coming back here for me?
She didn’t actually give a fuck about me, did she? And if she did, I couldn’t figure out why. I hadn’t exactly done much in the way of ensuring that would happen. Or had I?
I didn’t know; I didn’t fucking know these things. True, I’d been with many women, but I’d only ever been with one I gave a shit about.
Was that what this was? Was I giving a shit again? I didn’t want to answer that. No, fuck that, I refused to answer that. Forget that I already knew the answer, I wasn’t going to say it and I wasn’t going to think it. Whatever this was, it just was. I wasn’t going to give it a name, because giving it a name would give it a voice. And I didn’t need any more voices inside my head.
It was just me wanting her, and her wanting me. It didn’t need to be anything more. I couldn’t handle it being anything more.
“Wake up,” I said, and nudged her. “Squirrel, wake the fuck up.”
Her eyes opened just a fraction as her lips worked silently. “Mmm.”
Leaning over her, I dropped my head and pressed my face against her neck. As I sucked her soft skin into my mouth, I cupped her between her legs.
Her arms came up around me as she grew wet beneath my fingers. Just barely awake, and she was al
ready ready and wanting. Laughing silently, I pushed her back and sat up beside her. She muttered a soft, mewling sound of protest but remained as she was, just lying there, watching me and waiting.
Sliding one finger up inside her, I watched as her breathing hitched and her eyelids flickered. My heartbeat picked up and my body tensed. I might have been spent, but I wasn’t immune to her. Not at all.
“Sore?” I asked.
She nodded.
Good, I thought, grinning as I pushed another finger inside her.
In and out I slid my fingers, picking up speed, hungrily watching the changes in her expression, the way her muscles tightened and loosened, and the damn near growling moans she was trying and failing to suppress.
Her thighs clenched around my hand, making it harder to move. Her head lolled to one side and her eyes began to close. Maneuvering myself over top of her, I grabbed her chin and forced her face to me.
I wanted to see it.
I needed to see it.
Working her faster, I watched as she struggled, trying to keep her eyes open, trying to keep them locked with mine, when all they wanted to do was close.
Her moans became cries, and then her cries turned breathless and panting. She was in the thick of it now, in the eye of the storm. One of her hands wrapped around my wrist, and the other fisted the blanket beside her. Her body arched, her breathing stopped, and . . .
There it was. That was what I’d wanted. That was the high I’d been chasing. The look in her glossed-over eyes as she blinked up at me and her body relaxed beneath me. It was the look that made me feel something other than dead inside. It was a look that sent a surge of greedy strength and power straight through me.
It was a look that told me she gave a shit without me having to hear the words, and more importantly, without forcing me to say them back.
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