He was gone.
I shot upright as my eyes popped wide open in fear.
But Daniel was there, farther down the sofa than before, with my feet on his lap. When our eyes met, he smiled.
“Did you think I’d left?”
“How long was I asleep?”
“Only a couple of hours.”
“Why did you let me sleep so long?”
I tried to swing my legs down to the floor, but he held tight to them.
“I like to watch you sleep. I envy you. It’s one of the things I miss most about being human.”
“Sleep?”
“I know, but in the end, it’s the small things you miss the most. The ability to escape your life even for the briefest of moments, you don’t know how important that is to your psychological well-being. Sleep allows your subconscious to work out things your active mind is afraid to. And you … the way your face relaxes so completely … you look like an angel.” He smiled affectionately at me.
This made me more than a little uncomfortable. It was one thing to be exposed when I was awake, but another to be so when I was asleep. As I looked across the length of the couch at him, I knew without a doubt that there was something else. I opened my mouth to ask but hesitated.
“What?” he asked. “Tell me.”
“Was this the first time?”
He was silent, eyes staring into mine as if afraid to shift their gaze elsewhere. He didn’t ask me to explain the question, which seemed like an answer to me.
“How did you know?” his gaze was deeply intent on my face. His expression almost blank.
“I don’t know, I just did. Like some part of me I can’t explain, knew all along. How often?”
I needed to know the answer, but didn’t want to hear him speak it.
“It started the day after you fell. I … I didn’t want to tell you, but the blood hunter had been by your dorm the night you stayed up here. I’ve … um … been keeping a much closer watch on you since that night.”
I tried to free my feet again. This time he didn’t stop me. Getting up, I walked over to the hearth, feeling the heat of the fire increase as I approached. I stood there staring at the flames as they danced for me.
Please God, tell me I wasn’t the wood.
“It’s not what it sounds like,” he said from behind me as I heard him get to his feet. There was a defensiveness in his voice that made me wonder how true that was.
“What does it sound like?” I asked the flames.
When he didn’t answer, I turned to face him.
“I said, what does it sound like?” I raised my voice just enough to see his face wince as if I’d slapped him with my words.
“I was worried about you. Your roommate wasn’t staying with you. It would have been so easy for him to have slipped into your room and drained you dry, leaving only your lifeless body for me to find in the morning when you didn’t show up for class.”
He tried to wrap his arms around me, but I took a step away from him.
“I’m sorry,” I said avoiding his gaze. “I just feel a little violated is all. I trust you, I just wish you’d have trusted me enough to have told me the truth before now.”
As the words came out of my mouth, I knew they sounded crazy. I should have been furious that he’d snuck into my room, invading my privacy like a crazed stalker. But in truth, I knew he’d done it because he loved me. His motivations were pure even if his actions weren’t what I would have wanted.
My arms crossed in front of me, I stared down at the floor trying to make sense of it all in my mind. He reached out and placed his hand on my arm. After a deep breath, I looked up at his beautiful face only to see despair written there. He knew he had caused me pain, and it hurt him deeply. I couldn’t stand to see him this way and immediately launched myself into his arms, burying my head in his chest.
I must have taken him by surprise because I knocked him off balance and we fell on the floor with me landing on top of him. I didn’t move and he made no attempt to get up. Staring into my soul, he reached up and brushed a lock of my hair back so he could see my eyes. In that moment, I needed to feel his lips on mine like I needed air to breathe. To be this close to him and not have him was agony.
Unable to stand his proximity any longer, I shifted my weight to get off of him, but instead he caught me in his grasp and rolled over until he was on top of me. Still surprised, I stared up at his finely chiseled features. The light of the fire casting its shadows on them. They seemed to dance across his face giving it a strange animation nature had never intended. On one side of my body I could feel the fire’s intense heat against my skin. In his eyes, I could also see the flames reflecting his unspoken desires and for the first time, I felt fear in his arms.
His body shaking ever so slightly above mine, he looked on the verge of losing control. I didn’t want him to have to be so close to the edge again, not if I could help it. When I made an attempt to get up, he quickly pinned my arms above my head. He was strong, so much stronger than I was, and his grip felt like iron against my straining muscles. It was clear I wasn’t getting up until he allowed me.
Afraid? Yes, I was afraid of him, but also of myself. I was afraid of how much I was aroused by my fear. Was it too late for me already? My heart was pounding beneath him. Inside my chest, I could feel it reverberating, as if it were feverishly trying to pound out its last beats before it was silenced forever.
I looked into his eyes. They were still that same sky blue, but intense and fixed on mine almost as intently as that first time we’d seen each other in the hallway outside his office. I hoped he wasn’t toying with me like the trapped prey I felt like at this moment. Trapped, afraid, excited, aroused prey.
I struggled again, but it was no use. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid for myself, I was more afraid for him, that I’d inadvertently pushed his emotions too far for him to be able to control. I had no idea what was about to happen next and it frightened me, but … I liked it, it was more than exciting. I don’t think he saw fear in my eyes, and hard as I tried I couldn’t begin to identify whatever emotional state he might be picking up from me. My inexperience with men had left me with no labels for what I was feeling.
At that moment I couldn’t read his face. I had never seen him look at me this way before. No man ever had, but I think he was fighting a battle within himself. One he was unsure he would win.
Slowly, I could feel his grip on my wrists ease up, but his expression never changed. I stared back at him, suddenly meeting his gaze with almost equal ferocity, but I was no match for him and I knew it. I broke our gaze for only a moment, peering out the corner of my eye at the fire. I was distracted by a loud crackle and shifting of wood when he kissed me hard. His passion travelled through his lips into me like electricity, but I didn’t know how to react. I tried not to kiss him back, to not let my passion envelop me like it had on the hillside only this morning. He must know I was holding back. But his kiss was so demanding and yet at the same time so giving. While demanding what passion my body had to give, he was also giving me a part of his soul. Problem was, I wasn’t sure it was something he should part with. It might be the only thing keeping me alive in his arms. And yet with all this, all I wanted to do was to give myself to him, but I knew I had to be strong. Hard as it was, when all I wanted was to give into the demands of his lips, I put my hands between us and pushed.
After a few long seconds, I could feel his kiss beginning to ebb away. Then he slowly pulled back only to look down at my face. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw unchanged, the sky blue of his eyes.
He rolled over and sat next to me while I stayed motionless on my back. I desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, but I was too terrified to ask. A moment later he looked over at me but said nothing, his expression completely unreadable.
“You have to tell me what you’re thinking?” I begged, unable to stand it any longer.
“You’re just too tempting,” he replied in
a low, husky voice. “You have no idea how I feel when I’m around you.”
I felt like I could have said the same words to him but kept silent.
“Sooner or later my passion will consume me and I’ll lose all self-restraint. The reason I want to protect you, will be the reason I end up killing you.”
“But you didn’t,” I said leaning up on my arms.
“But I wanted to. I wanted to give myself over to it, to let it consume me like fire.” Then he looked back at the fireplace. “I could feel your heartbeat pulling me into the flames and I didn’t want to fight back.”
“We’ll find a way to make this work,” I said, hoping it was true.
He shifted his gaze back at me and smiled.
“We have too,” he replied. Despite the gloom in his voice, his eyes said he wasn’t ready to give me up just yet.
An hour later we drove back down to campus. After we said our goodnights, I reluctantly went upstairs and got in bed. He didn’t kiss me goodnight. I hadn’t expected that he would, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t disappointed.
As I lay there staring at the dark shadows on the ceiling of my room created by the lights coming in through the blinds, I wondered how often he’d watched me sleep and what I must have looked like. I had a hard time imagining that I looked anything like an angel in the grubby sweats and t-shirts I usually wore to bed, at least not a heavenly angel.
Nothing seemed within my control anymore and that bothered me immensely. But tonight when I got into bed, I was wearing my one nice pair of pink, satin pajamas. I just wondered if he found his way down to NPU again this evening, what kind of expression he’d wear. I fell asleep with a picture of his face in my head, smiling in the shadows.
Chapter Ten
SARA
On Sunday I went to church with Tabitha and Mike. After they picked me up at ten, we drove into town to attend services at the small Baptist church they’d been going to. I’d felt bad every time my mother asked if I’d gone to church yet. It wasn’t that I hadn’t wanted to so much as I’d been overwhelmed, first by school, and now by Daniel. I hadn’t gone since I’d been at NPU and I knew it was something my mother was going to ask me about when I got home at the end of the week.
Mike and Tabitha went here a couple of Sundays a month. This wasn’t the first time they’d asked me to go with them and I guess still feeling bad that I’d blown them off a lot lately to spend all my time with Daniel, I more than happily agreed to join them this morning. I knew I was probably a little too wrapped up in him emotionally and thought joining them would be a good thing for all of us. I loved Daniel, but I needed perspective as well. In the end I think I wanted to feel closer to God, the one true constant in my life. I could feel that I was losing touch with some important part of myself, and hoped to find answers to some of my more pressing questions in his presence. I hoped God would show them to me or give me the guidance I was so desperately searching for.
When the service ended, we walked back into the cool morning air. I was glad I’d gone. In all honesty, I’d been feeling pretty guilty about my feelings toward Daniel. They weren’t exactly what you’d call saintly. I think through my worship, I’d gained some of the perspective I’d needed to re-center myself and see things for what they really were. As much as Daniel felt like the center of my life to which all things now seemed to revolve, it was good to remember that he was not the center of my universe, or any. Only God held that title.
Daniel? He’d simply taken up residence in my heart.
As we started down the front steps back to the car, I heard the sound of a familiar voice call “Hi, guys,” and I turned to see Ben coming up behind us. He looked a little more polished than usual in a nice blue shirt and dress slacks.
“Hey, Ben,” Mike greeted him with. “I was wondering if we were going to see you this morning.” Apparently Ben often came with them or on his own sometimes.
Since it was just before noon and we were already in town, Tabitha suggested we go to lunch before heading back to campus. No one seemed in a hurry to get back so we started up the hill towards the College Diner. Invigorated by the fresh fall air, our conversation was animated during the short walk to the restaurant. Ben and Mike joked around while Tabitha and I took up the rear and talked about her sister and their family drama.
The after church rush now in full swing, the diner was already crowded when we arrived and by the time we were finally seated, I was ravenous. I put my menu down after only a minute of perusal. I was too hungry for lengthy deliberation and settled on my usual choice of a hamburger and fries. After scanning the room for signs of our waitress, I looked over at Ben who was still studying the menu intently.
“Not much here that isn’t full of grease, is there,” he muttered
“Fraid not,” Mike said almost gleefully. “That’s why I love it here.”
When Ben ordered, I saw our gum smacking waitress’ eyes lingering on him, but he didn’t seem to notice. Handing her the menu back, he smiled up at me, catching me in my own stare his way. Breaking away from his gaze, I was just in time to see the waitress give me something of a dirty look out of the corner of her eye before trotting back behind the counter in a uniform that I was sure was a little too short for a woman her age. After she left, Ben leaned in towards me.
“So, where’s your boyfriend this morning?”
I had to think about who he was talking about for a moment. I still wasn’t used to having one and Daniel seemed like so much more than that flimsy label insinuated.
“I’m not sure. I wanted to spend some time with them this morning.” I nodded towards the other end of the table where Mike and Tabitha seemed deep in private conversation.
“That’s good,” he said with a note of irritation in his voice.
“Why do I get the feeling you don’t like Daniel very much?”
“Because you’re right,” was his curt answer.
“Can I ask why?”
I kept my tone as pleasant as possible hoping to coax more of an answer out of him. Seeming hesitant to answer, he paused searching carefully for his words.
“Let’s just say I’m familiar with his kind.” Keeping his voice low; he leaned in closer my way. “If I were you, I’d steer clear of him. Pretty boys like him will only break your heart – or worse.”
As he finished his statement, he turned toward the others and jumped right in to join their conversation as if we hadn’t been talking at all.
I found his comment more than a little odd as Ben was almost as good looking as Daniel. For him to call Daniel a pretty boy was like the pot calling the proverbial kettle black.
Again, just like with Ryan, I couldn’t understand why Ben would care who I chose to spend my time with. Ben and I seemed to have some moments together during our hike, but other than joining us for the occasional meal; he’d never made any special effort to pursue me that I was aware of. Sucking on my straw, I thought more about it.
Ben couldn’t possibly know the truth about Daniel. I mean even if he did, what would he do? Expose him? Try to kill him? Run screaming back home to Montana or wherever it was he was from?
I leaned back in my chair and watched him laugh at something Tabitha said. I smiled. I couldn’t help it, his smile was infectious. No, he didn’t know anything. I still wasn’t sure what the cause of conflict was between the two of them, but I did know it was unlikely I’d ever drag it out of either of them voluntarily. Unfortunately, stubbornness was a trait they seemed to share in equal proportion.
Lunch was good. They really do have good fries there and aren’t stingy with them either. Not that I’d ever admit it to Daniel, but it was nice to eat with people who actually ate with me and didn’t study my every bite and chew with rapt attention. During the course of our meal, I actually stole a few long looks at Ben as he ate his chicken salad sandwich, trying to see what it was that seemed so fascinating, but I still didn’t get it. I guess you really did have to be a vampire to get that one.
After lunch we walked back to the church parking lot. Mike and Tabitha broke ahead of us and got in the car while Ben stopped at the edge of the lot.
“Where’s your car?” I asked.
“I walked.”
“Do you want a ride back?”
“No, I’m good.” He looked up at the clear sky. “I want to get some exercise and enjoy the weather. This won’t last for long. We’ll be in winter coats before you know it.”
There was something in the wistful way in which he stared up at the sky that called to me on an elemental level, causing an involuntary sigh to escape my lips.
Mike pulled up next to us and stopped. After a moment’s hesitation, I walked over and leaned in the open window by Tabitha.
“I’m gonna walk back with Ben. I’ll call you later.”
Tabitha peered around my shoulder. I followed her gaze to see Ben shifting his weight from foot to foot somewhat uncomfortably. Realizing we were watching him, he shyly smiled and turned away.
Did he just blush?
“Alright,” Tabitha answered, but I could tell by the tone of her voice she had doubts about the wisdom of my decision. Without another word they drove off leaving us alone in the empty lot.
As we started back, we found ourselves at the top of the main drag in New Paltz, looking down the steep incline into the valley below, Mount Mohonk visible off in the distance. He was right, it was a glorious day and I didn’t want to be indoors either.
We started back towards campus at a leisurely pace. It was a Sunday and neither of us had any particular place to be. It made a refreshing change of pace from our usual Monday through Friday regimented class week where we always seemed to be rushing to and fro. We walked in strangely comfortable silence for a while with only the occasional exchange of small talk.
As we walked along, it occurred to me that I knew very little about Ben. From what I was able to gather of our conversations over the last month, he seemed like a very private person with a talent for evading questions. So much so that you never realized he’d done it until much later on.
The Purity of Blood: Volume I Page 26
