They kissed.
Unable to stomach any more, I moved behind the complete shadow of the tree and stopped breathing. Inside I felt as if my heart had stopped. Not the beating, that continued, but the part of my heart that beat only for Daniel was fluttering, skipping every other beat.
Thankful that neither seemed to have sensed my presence, I quietly slunk from my hiding spot, and as quickly as I could made my way back to the safety of my room.
How had I been such a fool! I repeated this myself over and over again. I took off Darcy’s blouse and hung it back up only to replace it with an old sweater I didn’t like very much. Standing in the middle of the room, I closed my eyes tight, but every part of me was screaming. I needed to drown out the sound of my anguish or I was sure I’d go insane.
Without thinking, I went over to Darcy’s desk and opened the bottom drawer. Reaching deep into the back, I pulled out what Darcy called her Break Glass in Case of Emergency bottle of peppermint schnapps. Staring at it in my hand, I shoved what I was sure was all rational common sense to the side, pulled out a glass and poured myself a shot. I’d never tried schnapps before but at that point was game for anything that would deaden the pain.
I took a swig, swallowing the whole thing in one gulp. It burned on its way down like fiery mouthwash, but it momentarily distracted me from the screaming in my heart. I poured another glass, this time a bigger one and downed it before I could talk myself out of it. I fell down in my desk chair and sat there for a few minutes, experiencing the sensations it gave me. Things were starting to tingle that hadn’t before and … God help me, I liked it. It was distracting.
A half an hour later, half the bottle was gone. Way less than two hours later, it was almost completely empty.
Yes, this was good, I thought to myself. I need more of this.
I stumbled over to my closet and clumsily slipped on my shoes. Grabbing some money out of my wallet, I shoved it in my pocket and shrugged on my coat. I was about to walk out the door but stopped short. My father’s words echoed in my head. Something about it being bad luck to leave less than a full glass of anything in a bottle. Feeling the full weight of my bad luck crashing down on me, I went back and took the last swig out of the bottle. This stuff wasn’t half bad once you got used to it, I thought. It’s actually kind of nice.
I walked out the door and was half way across the quad when I heard my name carried on the wind. I cringed.
Oh, God! No! Please don’t let it be him. I can’t handle that. Not now.
But it wasn’t, it was Ben’s voice.
Almost as bad, I thought as I started to walk faster. Why does he always have to see me at my worst?
“Sara! Didn’t you hear me calling you?” He must have ran to catch up with me and was walking along side me now.
“Where are you going at this time of night? I saw your light on and was going to come talk to you about some questions that came up on our project.”
Putting his hand on my arm he stopped, bringing me to a halt as well. I was looking everywhere except up at his face, but I could still feel his eyes boring into me. Then unable to take it any longer, I looked up.
“What’s wrong, Sara?”
“I’m going into town,” I snapped, turning on my heels and picking up speed as I walked away from him. He quickly caught up and paced alongside me once again.
“Why?”
“I have to get out of here for a while.”
I wasn’t looking at him, just the path in front of me. I was too busy concentrating on not falling down as I speed walked along.
“Pardon me for asking, but – have you been drinking? I think I smell mint.”
“Can we talk about your questions tomorrow?” I sped up again, hoping he’d get the hint and go back to Gage.
“Sure. Will you slow down?”
“No,” I grunted back.
I was really speeding along now as we passed Old Main Hall and crossed the road off campus. As we started to walk through the side streets of New Paltz, I could hear him struggling to keep up with me.
“Will you at least tell me where you’re going?” he demanded.
I could hear the rising anxiety in his voice. I could hear it, but I didn’t have time for anyone else’s anxiety but my own at the moment.
“Does it matter? Go back to Gage. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said as I stumbled on some uneven sidewalk. He put his arm under mine to steady my footing, but I shirked it away and sped blindly into the night.
“I think I’ll stay with you if it’s all the same,” I heard him mutter from behind.
“Do as you please,” I mumbled back.
Rounding the corner onto Main Street, I started down the hill. I almost fell a few times and I would have if Ben hadn’t caught me by the arm each time. At the bottom of the steep hill, I bounded up the steps of The Gryffon and right past the bouncer. Ben came in a few paces behind me, but was stopped in his tracks when the bouncer put his arm out.
“Where’s your I.D. son?” he asked in a husky voice.
Ben hesitantly went fishing for his wallet, but I knew perfectly well he wasn’t twenty one. I’d have rather he went home, but I didn’t want him to get arrested either. Trying to wipe the frown from my face, I unbuttoned the top two buttons of my sweater, sashayed back and smiled up at the bouncer as I’d seen other girls do.
“Oh, he’s with me” I said giving the bouncer my most flirtatious smile.
“Too bad” he replied darkly. “Next time, come alone.” Reluctantly he let Ben pass.
It was a little after eleven by now and the bar was packed with rowdy students and men who looked a little too old to still be in school. The way the music seemed to pulsate through every inch of the building was disconcerting. It almost seemed alive, like the building had a pulse. Strange as it was, it was also comforting at the same time. Maybe because I was too busy concentrating on the music to hear the cries of my own heart as it broke inside my chest.
He’d kissed her. He’d stood me up and kissed her.
I stopped for a fraction of a second and felt the pain ebb forward again.
No. Not here, not now.
I looked around at the sea of bodies surrounding me. The noise of the crowd combined with the music was almost deafening. It was perfect.
After maneuvering my way to the bar, I leaned over, flagged down the bartender with my cleavage and ordered a beer. Before I could reach around and get some cash out of my pocket, the older guy standing next to me dropped some bills on the bar and paid for it. When I smiled up at him, he leaned over to say something in my ear, but before I could hear what he wanted to say Ben pulled me back and yelled in my face.
“What the hell are we doing here?!”
I think he was angry.
Why? I didn’t ask him to come.
“You made me spill my beer” I yelled back at him while using my lips to soak up the beer that had over spilled the edge. Then I took a chug from the glass and emptied half of it.
Ben just stood there and stared at me in shock. Eyes blazing angrily, he yelled “I think you’ve had enough for one night, let’s go.” Then he grabbed hold of my free arm.
“This guy bothering you, honey?” my beer buying friend asked, looking over at Ben suspiciously.
“He won’t be bothering me if you ask me to dance.”
He smiled a wide hopeful smile as he watched me chug the rest of my beer. When I finished, he quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the crowded dance floor.
I could hardly move on what passed for a dance floor, but I got the distinct impression there was less finesse involved in this kind of dancing than the kind my friends used to take lessons for when we were kids. I’d never been fortunate enough to take those kinds of lessons. My summers were filled with lessons of a far more violent nature.
Remembering what that guy Steve had said about just feeling the music and letting go, I surrendered to the pounding beat emanating from the speakers behind me. Throwing my ar
ms up, I began to jump up and down and sway with the music, giving myself over to it without reserve or hesitation. I wasn’t me in that moment. This wasn’t something Sara would do and most certainly something Daniel wouldn’t approve, most especially in a place like this and with a strange man no less.
I lost my new friend in the crowd, but soon found another one. He was older than me, probably about twenty five or so, nice looking with an athletic build and dark blonde hair. He put his body right in front of mine, and grabbing my hands, held them above my head in his as we jumped together in unison to the driving beat. I was vaguely aware when his hands began to move down my arms, but I was too surrendered to the music to really notice much. Well, that and the other beer someone had handed me on the dance floor that I chugged down might have had something to do with my indifference.
Then I felt him pull my body flush against his and his other hand as it moved down to roughly cup my behind. As I looked up into his face in shock, he reached down and kissed me hard. When his tongue invaded my mouth, I didn’t know how to react. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to bother to try to fight him off or not. A few moments later, this debate still raging on inside my head, I suddenly felt his hand leave my backside and his lips pull away. When I opened my eyes I looked down to see him on the floor in front of me. Ben was standing over him, his hand balled up in a tight fist, his face contorted in what looked like fury.
Before I knew it, Ben grabbed one of my hands and hauled me towards the exit, then down the steps and across the street. It wasn’t for a block or so, when we were far enough away that I couldn’t hear the music anymore, that he finally slowed down and he let loose of my hand. As soon as he did, I stopped to catch my breath, still trying to figure out what had just happened. Had Ben really just punched that guy? And if so, why?
Finally, he turned to face me. “What the hell was that about?!” he demanded. Hands on his hips, he was staring down at me. He was angry, really angry.
I didn’t have an answer for him. How could I explain that I was trying to escape from myself, from having to be plane old responsible Sara for a while?
I was about to open my mouth to see what words would come out when something across the street moved and caught my eye. It was the tall, shadowy figure of a man with long silvery hair standing under a tree. When I looked over at him, he swiftly started to move towards us. To say that he walked wouldn’t do him justice. He glided across the road with an eerie, almost unearthly, fluidity that was mesmerizing to watch. Moving towards us, he came under the glow of the street light. That was when I was able to see the disturbing smile that adorned his sallow face. Standing out against his stark white skin, his eyes immediately held me in his glare. They were black as coal and sunken under deathly hollow cheekbones. The total effect of him was so overwhelming, that even in my drunken stupor, his ghastly visage chilled me to the bone.
Without a trace of hesitation, he walked right up to me and leaning his head practically into my hair, he inhaled deeply as if trying to suck the air right out of my lungs.
His almost dead expression quickly changed to one of disgust as he stared down his nose at me. In a gnarled, raspy old man voice, he rather seductively whispered in my ear “Stupid girl.”
Ben took an aggressive step towards him as if to protect me, but before he could get between us, the dark figure ran off, quickly, almost instantaneously disappearing back into the shadows on the other side of the deserted street.
I was more than a little woozy at that point and things were a bit of a blur. I was trying to wrap my mind around the strange man with the long white hair, but in my haze my ability to concentrate seemed severely impaired. I was still staring at the dark shadow he’d run off into when Ben leaned down, only to rather unceremoniously grab my hand, and once again began yanking me back in the direction of campus.
Over his shoulder he kept angrily saying things like
“What’s wrong with you?”
“How could you be so stupid?”
“What the hell was that all about?” and
“Do you have any idea what could have happened if I wasn’t there to drag you out of that place?”
Of course, he didn’t give me a chance to answer any of them which was just as well. I’m not sure I could have offered him a rational explanation even if I’d wanted too.
My head still spinning, I could still hear the driving beat of the music pounding away in my ears as if I’d never left the smoky confines of The Gryffon. When we stopped at a corner to wait for a car, I started swaying to the music in my head and only stopped when Ben started yanking me forward once again. Dragging me behind him, he kept shooting more of his dirty looks over his shoulder at me.
Why did everyone think they were my father all of a sudden?
When we finally set foot back on campus he slowed up a bit, and when we got to the deserted quad in front of the Student Union Building, he stopped and paused to look down at me for a moment. Still visibly upset, he dropped me on a stone bench and just stared at me for a long minute in silence. Then he wordlessly began to pace back and forth in front of me for a minute, or maybe an hour. I’d lost the ability to keep track of time.
Sitting there in silence, I wondered if Ben deposited me back in my room, how long it would take for me to get back to The Gryffon. My head was spinning so I had to imagine it would take a few minutes longer than usual. Would my new friend from the dance floor still be there? I could have cared less about him, but when he’d held me I felt nothing. And that’s exactly the way I wanted to feel – nothing. Nothing was better than … well, it was sanity.
Ben finally dropped down on the bench beside me, but by the expression on his face I could see he was still furious with me.
“Why are you mad?” I asked in a whisper.
“Because – You’re reckless, that’s why!” he shot back, I think shocked that I could even ask such a question. “You have no idea what could have happened to you back there. No idea what a guy like that will do if given half the chance. Why did you let him kiss you like that?” he demanded, staring into my eyes.
The way he looked at me so intensely, it drew me in completely.
“You were worried about me?”
“Of course I was.”
“Why?”
Given what I knew of myself, it seemed incomprehensible that anyone would worry about me. But I had to remember how ignorant he was about who I really was.
Oh, those brown eyes. How I melted under the heat of them?
He paused and tried to hide a smile.
“Well, if something happened to you I’d be stuck doing that project all by myself.”
“Is that the only reason?” I asked suggestively.
“Well, – maybe not the only reason.”
A smile started to appear at the corner of his mouth. Leaning over, he straightened my hair, gently pushing a stray lock behind my ear. He was so close.
I inhaled deeply. He smelled really good, fresh like the woods.
Suddenly self-conscious, I raised my hands and felt my hair. It was a mess. Using my fingers, I tried to comb it into some semblance of neatness, but gave up a few moments later. It was hopeless.
“You always seem to see me at my worst,” I said quietly as I looked up to meet his gaze.
“What happened tonight? Why did you go running off like that? It was him, wasn’t it? – Simmons.” He paused as if saying his name caused him physical pain. “What did he do to you?”
“I don’t want to talk about him,” I said, unable to tear my eyes away from Ben’s.
“It’s about time,” he whispered, and leaving myself behind, I leaned forward and kissed him. I’m not sure if I took him by surprise, but I do know he kissed me back with more than friendship on his mind. His hands came up to tenderly cradle my face as I felt his warm breath on my cheek. It lasted only a sweet, uncomplicated minute, but long enough for me to realize Daniel was right. Ben did have feelings for me, and also that I did for
him as well.
Before I was ready for it to end, he backed away. As he did, he took a slow deep breath in and out.
“I need to get you in bed,” he murmured. “You’re going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.”
When he stood, he looked down at me with a sadness in his eyes that seem discordant to the shy smile he wore on his lips. Then he reached his hand down to me, and after looking at it for a moment, I placed mine inside it.
Still holding my hand, he walked me back to my room, helped me take off my shoes and tucked me into bed, making sure to set my alarm for me before he shut the lights off. All snuggled up in bed, I watched as he closed the door behind him, leaving me to wonder if I’d only imagined his soft lips on mine. Lying there in my bed and remembering his kiss, I ran my fingers across the sensitive skin of my lips and guiltily wished it hadn’t ended.
That was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in the morning. Rolling over, I hit the snooze button on my alarm only to see a note pinned to my backpack on the floor beside my bed. It read:
I hope it wasn’t just because you were drunk -Ben.
“What happened to my schnapps? – And what did you do last night that warranted that?”
The shrillness in Darcy’s voice quickly yanked me out of my early morning haze.
I looked up to see her holding an empty bottle of schnapps in one hand and pointing to my bag with the other.
“Sorry, I guess I owe you a new bottle,” I mumbled, swinging my legs off the side of the bed.
“Well, it was full when I left yesterday. I think I better stick around a bit more from now on. Someone needs to keep an eye on you, Donnelly.”
After she made sure my hangover wasn’t going to consume my day, Darcy left me to my misery. It was only after she’d walked out the door that I realized she was completely dressed from head to toe in shades of gold. Pledging? Me? She had to be kidding.
Glancing over at the clock I realized I needed to get moving if I wasn’t going to be late for class. Reluctantly I dragged myself to my feet only to have the room start spinning around me. As I clutched the side of my desk, I got the ominous feeling it wasn’t going to be a good day in more ways than one. After recovering my equilibrium, I pulled out a bottle of water and some aspirin, and swallowing the pills, downed the rest of the bottle in an attempt to hydrate myself.
The Purity of Blood: Volume I Page 35
