by Carrie Mac
The narrow passage for the train to exit the station was not wide enough for Tariq and Saul to pass through as well. They would smash into the wall, likely leaving their arms inside the train as it sped onto the next station.
“Pull!” Gryph hollered, and then again as the door shifted a tiny bit. “Pull! Now!”
Everyone tugged hard, and finally the doors groaned open just enough for Tariq and Saul to fall free. They tumbled backwards and hit the platform hard, just as the train cleared the station.
“Thank God,” Gryph said. “That was too close.”
If Phee hadn’t been reeling from what had just happened, she would’ve pounced on his words. How dare he declare his prank too close? How dare he thank God for fixing a mess he got himself into in the first place?
“Saul!” Nadia flung herself at the rear window, her hands pressed against the glass. Saul sat up and waved at her, giving her a shaky thumbs-up.
“Thank God!” Nadia crossed herself. Then she turned and slapped Gryph across the face. “You’re such an asshole, Gryph!”
“Wow, Nadia. That’s some bitch slap you’ve got.” Gryph poked his tongue at his reddening cheek. “Look, I’m sorry, okay?”
“You want another one, asshole?” Tears streamed down Nadia’s face. She raised her hand. “I can’t believe you did that!”
“I got the doors open, didn’t I?” Gryph raised an eyebrow. “Well?”
Nadia glared at him, her hand still poised, ready to slap him again.
“You sure you want to hit me again?” Whatever uncertainty and regret had softened Gryph when his friends were truly in trouble was diminished now as his face took on a familiar darkness.
“Absolutely.” Nadia brought her hand back, but Gryph grabbed her thin wrist in midair and stopped her easily.
“Don’t, Nadia.”
The other students on the train were still watching, the atmosphere taken up by Gryph and his exploits. They watched with the same slack-jawed fascination that Fawn had when she watched television. This is what Gryph liked: the limelight.
“Let me go!” Nadia tried to wrestle free, but Gryph held tight, glaring at her.
“Let her go, Gryph.” Phoenix took her other hand. “Come on, Nadia. Let’s sit down.”
After another long moment, Gryph let go. Nadia let Phoenix sit her down. Everyone on the train relaxed, shaking off the incident and resuming their usual morning routines of catching up with friends and trading homework answers. Nadia leaned her head on Phoenix’s shoulder and cried as she rubbed the red marks Gryph had left on her wrist.
“He almost died!”
“But he didn’t.” Phoenix stroked Nadia’s hair. “Saul didn’t die. He’s okay.” She glanced over her shoulder at Gryph. He and Neko sat slumped in their usual seats, talking about something, looking for all intents and purposes as if nothing had happened. “He’s okay.”
Saul was okay. But what about Gryph?
The Good Gryph had been losing out to the Bad Gryph lately. Where was the proud champion athlete? The doting brother, loving son, fiercely loyal friend? More and more lately, there was only this dark, dangerous Gryph. And God help anyone who challenged him. Piss him off in front of his peers, challenge his leadership, and suffer the consequences. Nadia knew all this. They’d spent several recent sleepover hours trying to figure out how he could go from being the Gryph who’d patiently taught them how to ski on the bunny hill to being the Gryph who could pull something like the stunt on the train. Someone who would put his friends’ lives in danger.
All of a sudden, Nadia sprang to her feet and stalked up to Gryph before Phoenix could stop her. Phoenix ran to her side and pulled her away.
“Come on, Nadia. Leave it.”
“You know what, Gryph?” Nadia shook a finger at Gryph’s smug smile. “You’re not always going to get away with shit like this.”
Gryph glanced around the train. Everyone’s attention was back on Gryph. And he was happy to play to the crowd.
“They’re fine, aren’t they?” he said, the smile having slipped just a bit to reveal a snarl below.
“Let’s go sit down, Nadia.” Phoenix widened her eyes. “Please.”
This was the worst Gryph, when he had a stage and the adrenalin in his system to strut across it, star of his own little drama.
“You do that, kids.” Gryph brought his phone up to his ear. His eyes still on Nadia, who hadn’t budged, he spoke into his cell. “You guys okay?” He nodded. “Cool. Pass the phone to Saul.”
“Let me talk to him!” Nadia lunged for the phone, but Gryph held it out of reach.
“Saul?” Gryph turned his eyes to his lap as he spoke, and his tone dropped too. “You okay?”
Saul must’ve told him he was.
“Good. Sorry, man. I didn’t think it’d be so hard to open the doors.”
The two friends talked for another minute or so, with Nadia pleading for the phone until Gryph finally handed it to her.
DISCLOSURE
When the train pulled into the school station, Phoenix waited with Nadia for Saul and Tariq to arrive while Gryph steered Neko ahead of him into the building, heading for the stairwell where they normally met Huy every morning. By the time Saul and Tariq got there, Tariq was laughing about the whole thing, and Saul was too. He sounded okay, but when she got closer to him, Phee could see that he was deathly pale and shaking. Gryph must’ve said something to him about meeting him right away, because he let Nadia hug him only briefly, and then he pulled away.
“I’m okay, Nadia. Really.”
“I was so scared! I thought you were going to die!”
Phee wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Saul paled even more, his skin nearly translucent under his eyes.
“I didn’t though, did I?”
“But still—”
“I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Where are you going?” Nadia reached for him as he turned away. “You’re shaking!”
“I’m fine. I’ve got to meet Gryph.”
“Don’t go!” Nadia got hold of his jacket and he stopped. “Saul, please!”
Tariq kept going, slowing only to toss Saul a warning look. “Don’t be long, man.”
Saul nodded, prying Nadia’s hands off him. “I have to go, Nadia.”
“Do you love me, Saul?”
“I love you, Nadia.” Saul kissed her. “You know that.”
“Then stay with me now,” she said. “Just this once, choose me over Gryph.”
“I’ll see you later, you know that.” He kissed her again. “But right now, I have to go.”
“But you don’t! Not really. Not after what just happened! You almost died!” She grabbed his trembling hand. “You can stay with me! Just this once.”
“I know you understand, Nadia.” Saul pulled away and walked backwards, toward the school entrance, where Tariq was waiting for him. “I know you do.”
He turned and jogged away. He caught up with Tariq, and the two of them disappeared into the school.
Nadia sat down on the nearest bench and cried. “I can’t do this anymore, Phee.”
Phoenix sat beside her, Saul’s tremors on her mind. She’d never seen him like that, but then he rarely got caught in one of Gryph’s pranks. He was the one who held back, who played safe, who never took sides when any of the guys argued.
“His brave face is just for Gryph,” Phoenix said. “He wanted to stay with you. But you know how boys are. Especially those boys. It’s all about them. We’re never going to know what goes on with those guys. We can only hope—”
“That they don’t kill each other?” Nadia wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “That they don’t kill someone else? They’re all going to max out on their recons before they hit twenty! And then what?”
“Now you’re exaggerating, Nadia. None of them have ever gotten that seriously hurt.”
Nadia said nothing.
“I’m right,” Phee said gently. “Aren’t I? You’re exaggerating. None of th
em have ever even come close to needing a recon.”
“Not yet, maybe!”
“They take risks, but they’re smart. No one’s been hurt.” Phoenix found an old tissue in her pocket and dabbed Nadia’s tears away. “Gryph was timing it. He knew what he was doing. They’ve been friends forever, and not a single one of them has had a recon, right?”
Again Nadia said nothing.
“Right, Nadia?”
“Sometimes I really hate Gryphon,” Nadia replied. “Chrysalis’s golden boy. He thinks he’s immortal.”
“Well, we all are, in a way. To a point.”
“How can you say that?” Nadia blew her nose. “You, of all people. You should get what I’m talking about. Okay, so if Saul dies, he gets reconned, okay, so he lives. But what if something went wrong during the recon? What then? What if I lost him forever?”
“And how often does that happen? Next to never, in all reality.”
“Still, it could! And what if he lost his memory, like you?”
“Also highly unlikely.”
“But what if?”
What if, what if, what if? Phee knew all too well the perils of letting her imagination run rampant. What if, indeed.
“He’d forget about me! He wouldn’t remember us. He’d come back and I’d be a stranger to him! Just some random girl. What if he didn’t fall in love with me again?” Nadia started bawling, her shoulders heaving the way they always did when she was gripped by a crying fit. “He wouldn’t even remember our first kiss!”
“But he’s okay, Nadia.” Phoenix patted Nadia’s back, her own thoughts spinning. “He’s okay.”
“You don’t understand, Phee.” Nadia gulped back a sob. “You’ve never been in love.”
And you wouldn’t understand either. You’ve never been reconned. Phee thought it, but didn’t speak it. She had to bite her tongue, but she didn’t say it.
PHOENIX STAYED WITH NADIA until she calmed down enough to go into class. She got late passes for the two of them and then saw Nadia to her room. On her way to her own room, Phoenix passed Clea, tall and lithe and the only girl who could make wearing glasses sexy. She didn’t even need them. They were strictly for show—she’d had laser surgery when she was five. But she thought they made her look especially hot. And she was right.
“Pass?” Clea held out a manicured hand, her long nails a slick luscious pink.
Phoenix flicked it at her. It landed on the floor.
Clea folded her arms over her already supplemented breasts (her daddy was plastic surgeon to the stars) and looked down her carefully crafted nose at Phoenix. “Cute.”
“You know, Clea.” Phoenix picked up the pass. “If you want Gryph so badly, you should try a little harder with me. He never dates anyone I don’t like.”
“Aw, Phee, you don’t like me?” Clea offered a practised little pout. “I’m devastated.”
“It’s true. I don’t particularly like you at all.”
“Maybe you should tell your brother that.” Clea shrugged.
“I already have. Many, many, many times.” Phoenix folded her own arms over her size-challenged chest. “Every chance I get, in fact.”
“Mm. Is that right.” Clea turned on her heel. “Maybe you should ask him why he let me go down on him in his dressing room at the snowboard championships, then?”
Phee’s face twisted with disgust. “He did not.” Phoenix glared at Clea’s back. “I was there.”
“So was I.” Clea stopped. “In the other room.”
“No way.”
“Very cute, reading to your sister like that. The Velveteen Rabbit was one of my favourites. On pod, mind you. What loser still reads from actual books?”
Phoenix sucked in her breath. “Well, you’d know all about fake, wouldn’t you?” With her hands, she bounced enormous imaginary breasts in front of her.
“And you’d know all about being brought to life by the magical nursery fairy, so to speak.” With that, Clea turned once again, giving Phoenix the back of her as if she were giving her the finger.
PHOENIX FUMED ALL MORNING, searching for Gryph between classes. She could stand a lot of shit from Gryph, but not Clea. Doing Clea, or getting done by Clea, was in direct violation of the sibling code of ethics. Do not hook up with the other’s version of evil incarnate. Simple rule, and Gryph had blatantly broken it.
He was nowhere to be seen. At lunch, Phoenix found Nadia, and the two of them went outside to the field to watch Saul’s practice, even though Nadia was still sore at him for the morning.
“Then let’s not go out there,” Phoenix suggested. “If you’re so mad at him.”
“I still love him,” Nadia said as they pushed out into the daylight. “Like I said, you don’t understand, Phee.”
ONCE OUTSIDE, Nadia flung her backpack to the ground and glared across the field to where Clea was leaning on Saul while she pulled on one of her cheerleader sneakers. Saul, dressed in his catcher padding, just stood there.
“What the hell is she doing?”
“Don’t worry.” Phoenix rescued the backpack before the contents spilled out. “She’s into Gryph.”
“Then why is she pawing Saul?”
“She’s not pawing him.” Phee couldn’t believe she was defending Clea. “She’s leaning on him. Trust me, Clea is into Gryph.” Phoenix told her about Clea’s earlier claim.
“Maybe so.” Nadia kept her eyes on Clea. “But she used to be into Saul.”
“Way before you,” Phoenix said. “Get over it.”
Gryph emerged from the locker room, a bouquet of baseball bats over his shoulder. Clea ran for him, practically bouncing. She threw herself on him, and he lifted her right up off her feet and kissed her.
“Fair enough,” Nadia mumbled. “But just let me have my catty attitude today, okay?”
Saul was heading their way now, with a slow sort of waddle because of his padding. Nadia stood up with a flourish. “I can’t talk to him right now. I’m still upset.”
“Come on, Nad. Why don’t you see what he has to say?”
“Tell him to call me.” Nadia stood and grabbed her bag. “I’m going inside.”
“Nadia—”
“Later, Phee.” Nadia stalked off toward the school.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Phoenix called over her shoulder.
“No,” Nadia stopped. “No, actually. I don’t.”
Phoenix turned her eyes up to the sky. “God? Oscar’s daughter here. Help?”
Saul saw her leave, so he stopped to pull off his leg pads and then sprinted across the rest of the distance, leaving Clea and Gryph in a make-out knot behind him.
“Where’d Nadia go?”
“Inside.”
“Is she still mad at me or something?”
“Yeah.” Phoenix laughed. “Or something.”
“Look, I couldn’t stay with Nadia this morning.” Saul sat beside her, toying with his catcher’s mask, which rested on his lap. “You know that, right?”
“I know you chose the guys over Nadia. You always do. Even though she’s been your girlfriend for almost two years.”
“It’s not like that!” Saul growled again. “I love Nadia, but my buddies are just as important. I’d be nothing without them. It’s not a matter of either or. I have to have both. Nadia and the guys. Got it?”
“Got it,” Phoenix said.
“But you don’t really. You don’t understand.”
“Seems to be what everyone thinks of me today.”
“But you don’t.” Saul let his catcher’s mask roll off his lap. “Gryph and Huy and Tariq, and even Neko now … we’re more than friends. We’re brothers. It’s different from you and Nadia being best friends. That whole BFF crap is for girls. It’s different for guys.”
“Oh, really? How about you enlighten me?”
“It’s just … I don’t know.” Saul shrugged. “It’s just different. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I have an idea.” Phoenix shielded her
eyes against the sun and looked at Saul. “How about you don’t presume to know me, and I don’t presume to know you. Sound fair?”
“Sure.” Saul gave her a sardonic smile and stood. “That’s a great idea.” He started to walk away, but Phee called his name. He turned.
“What?”
“This morning,” Phee said, “you were shaking really hard. I’ve never seen you like that before. Are you okay?”
“I came pretty close to having my head ripped off by a brick wall. You’d be shaking too.”
“I guess.”
“Right.” Saul was looking everywhere except at Phoenix.
“But still, I’ve never seen you like that before. You’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” Saul sighed. “I haven’t been feeling so great lately, that’s all.”
“Maybe you should have my mom check you out.”
“No!” Across the field, the coach called for Saul. “I mean, no thanks. I can’t.”
“Well”—Phoenix tried to meet his eyes, but he shifted his glance back across the field and rubbed his face again—“maybe get your own doctor to check you out.”
“Mind your own business, Phee.”
“Saul!” the coach hollered. “Get over here or get out of here!”
“Thanks for your concern and everything.” Saul backed away, clutching his helmet. “But don’t worry about me. Just go find Nadia and tell her that I love her. Try to make her understand.”
“You just told me I didn’t understand.” Phoenix laughed. “So how can I make her understand? I’m just a girl, after all.”
“I’m sorry I said that. I know you get it.” Saul held up a hand, half wave, half dismissive gesture. “Just talk to her for me.” He turned and sprinted across the field to his team.
NADIA CAME HOME with Phee after school and cried on her bed for several hours. In the brief moments when she wasn’t crying, she was gripped by anger. At Saul, mostly, but Gryph too. When she finally had to go home, Phoenix steered a still-weepy Nadia toward the train station. They didn’t talk much as they crossed the green. They climbed the stairs to the platform, and Phoenix turned to hug Nadia goodbye when she spotted Saul sitting on a bench down at the end. He stood when he noticed them. He lifted a hand in half a wave. Nadia took a couple of steps toward him, but then changed her mind and turned on her heel.
