April 9
Dear Diary,
I wish I could go back. If I knew I’d feel this way, maybe I’d have made a different choice. Taken the drug or something.
Time is running out, and I don’t want to face the inevitable. Not because I’m scared to die, but because I can’t wrap my mind around not being with Damian anymore. Not feeling his kisses. I don’t ever want to be without him.
No, I can’t let him go.
I thought if I could hang on for a few more months and not be sick, I could get enough of him to last a lifetime and be ready when death knocks. I thought I’d be able to say good-bye.
I glanced at my open closet doors. A piece of the dress bag stuck out from the corner. My vision blurred over, so I squeezed my lids closed. Sniffling, I wiped the tears away, opened my eyes and continued to write.
There’s never enough time to say good-bye. Never enough time to say “I love you.” Never enough time to let go. I could have been given a thousand years with Damian, and still not be able to do this.
I’ve tried to be brave for myself as much as for him. It’s so hard to be strong, though, when I see his sadness, when he kisses me like there may not be a tomorrow.
I hate going to school now. It’s so much time away from him. But if I don’t go, he won’t go. I can’t have him give up his future. Him graduating is my consolation prize.
Dropping my pen, I looked up from my diary and took a deep breath. Sometimes it helped. I inhaled again, as deeply as I could, then let it out slowly. I picked up my pen again.
I love him. That’s why, when the time comes, I need to let him go.
He can’t fight this for me. It’s the one thing I have to do on my own. When I close my eyes for the last time, I know it’s Damian’s face I’ll see.
~*~
I didn’t notice when Damian came back in. When I awoke, he was already dressed in a pair of jeans and a pin striped button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up; the shirt was untucked as usual. He sat beside my bed, scratching his head over a math problem.
“You forgot to carry the one,” I said.
He snapped his head up. “Where?”
“Second line.”
His brow furrowed. “Damnit!” He ripped the paper out of his notebook and wadded it up, tossing it on the floor.
I chuckled under my breath. Damian stared at me for a second then started laughing too. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me.
“God, I …” He shook his head slightly and kissed me again.
I took a quick shower and got dressed; a jean skirt with a white sleeveless polo. Damian waited downstairs, and before I met him, I opened the top drawer of my dresser and pulled out a white envelope I’d stashed under my socks. Glancing at the door, I slipped it into my purse.
Damian’s hand never left mine during the drive to the hospital. The Commons was decorated with blue balloons in clumps sitting on the furniture. Blue and white streamers hung from the ceiling, and a table was set up in the corner filled with fruits and vegetables, nuts, mints, and a large blue-frosted cake with the words “CONGRATULATIONS BRENNAN” sprawled across the top in white icing.
When we walked through the door, Brennan ran toward us, throwing his arms around Damian’s waist.
“Hey, buddy,” Damian said, rubbing his back.
Brennan’s smile could have been seen from Missouri; it was so bright. “Where’ve you been?”
Damian nodded apologetically. “Kate’s needed me.”
“Hi, Kate!”
I ruffled his head, where small bits of brown hair poked up now. “You did good.”
“You will too.” Brennan took me by the hand and tugged me into the room. “We’re having a Mario Kart tournament. You’ve gotta sign up.”
“Me?” I scrunched up my nose. “I’m not sure.”
“Oh, come on,” Brennan begged. “You’ll be an easy win.”
Damian snorted behind me. I glared at him over my shoulder.
“Please? You’ll only have to race once before you lose. Well, unless you play my mom. Then you might have a shot.” His puppy eyes pleaded with me. “Please?”
I sighed and put my name on the list. Damian followed suit, and Brennan clapped his hands in delight.
“This is gonna be awesome!”
“Right,” I muttered.
Bouncing on his toes, he ran off to greet his other guests—and convince them to sign up, no doubt.
“How are you feeling, Katie?” Leslie’s hand touched my shoulder.
I gave her a hug. “I’ve been better. This brings back memories,” I said, scanning the room.
“I was really hoping to throw you a third remission party,” she said.
“Maybe you’ll be throwing me a successful transplant-party, instead.”
Leslie dropped her gaze to the floor. “That’d be nice.”
She nodded at Damian before she walked away.
Damian led me to one of the tables covered in a blue plastic tablecloth. We sipped punch and ate nuts, watching the party guests and waiting for our names to be called for the Wii tournament.
As Brennan so accurately predicted, I lost my one and only match—against Tammy! Damian, of course, won his first match-up against a twelve-year old bald girl with a yellow headband. I slugged him on the shoulder.
“What?” he said, an eyebrow quirked.
During his second round, my stomach started to churn. Waiting until he was well into his race against one of the nurses, I slipped out of The Commons and hurried to the bathroom. I pushed open a stall door and fell to my knees, throwing up into the toilet.
A hand rubbed my back. I didn’t have to look up to see who it was; I’ve known her touch since I was eleven.
When my stomach was empty, I dropped on my butt, leaning up against the side of the stall. Leslie handed me a glass of water.
“Thanks,” I muttered.
I rinsed my mouth and spit into the toilet.
“Katie,” Leslie said, her eyes focused inside the porcelain.
I shifted my gaze, and my heart lurched.
Blood.
I stared at it, understanding. “Don’t tell Damian, okay?”
Leslie shook her head. “Katie, I can’t just ignore this.”
I nodded, my attention not leaving the scarlet-stained water. “I’m not asking you to. Just not Damian.”
Pulling out her cell, Leslie dialed and held it up to her ear. “Dr. Lowell, are you here yet? Good. Come to the girls’ bathroom. And be discreet.”
Not two minutes later, the bathroom door opened, and Dr. Lowell knelt beside us in the too-cramped stall. He glanced into the toilet then at me. I’m sure my face was as white as the hospital bed sheets.
Dr. Lowell sighed.
“It’s happening, isn’t it?” My voice trembled.
Dr. Lowell nodded, his fist pressed against his mouth. Then he did something he’s never done before: He wrapped his arms around me.
“I guess this means another pill?” I asked into his shirt. He smelled like Damian.
“Yeah. Yeah, it does.”
I looked up at him. “Prom. I have to make it to prom.”
Dr. Lowell nodded. “I’ll do everything in my power.”
We went back to the party in shifts so as to not alert anyone.
“Where were you?” Damian demanded as soon as I entered The Commons.
I kissed his cheek. “Little girl’s room.” I winked, and his shoulders fell.
“Let me know next time, all right? I was worried.” He led me back to our table, and I laid my head in my arms.
The Mario Kart tournament came down to Brennan and Damian. A look of understanding passed between them before they began their five-race final. After each one, Damian’s head pivoted in my direction. I smiled, and he went back to his game.
For the last race, Damian and Brennan were tied two-two. Silence spread over The Commons as all eyes were on the 60 inch television hanging on the wall. On the last lap, Brennan h
unched over a little further, determined. Damian had a mischievous grin on his face, and I was sure that on the last corner, Damian slipped off the track on purpose, allowing Brennan to pass him and roll over the finish line first.
The room exploded in cheers and applause as Damian scooped Brennan up on his shoulders. Damian jogged around the room, and everyone gave Brennan high fives as he passed.
Soon after, the blue cake was cut and Damian sat down with a piece for himself and one for me.
I took a bite before dumping the rest on Damian’s plate. Ignoring the look on his face, I asked, “You let him win, didn’t you?”
Damian couldn’t keep a straight face. “Yeah.”
I laughed. “You didn’t even try to lie.”
“What’s the point? You know anyway.”
“You made his day,” I said, nodding in Brennan’s direction.
“He deserves it.”
As the party wore down, guests trickled out, and I slumped down on the sofa. Damian had promised Tammy he’d help clean up. My head had begun to pound after the trip to the bathroom, but it wasn’t bad enough to call it a night yet.
Brennan sat down next to me, a huge smile on his face.
“Did you see me beat your boyfriend?”
“I sure did. Nice job!” I gave him a fist-bump.
Brennan’s smile faded. “Are you okay, Kate?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Hey, I’ve got something for you,” I said, digging in my purse. Finding the white envelope, I handed it to him. “You have to promise me something though.”
Brennan nodded. “Okay.”
“No thank-you's.”
Brennan’s brows knit together. “Why?”
“Because thank-you's are like good-byes.”
“Okay,” he drawled out.
“Don’t open it here.”
“Okay.”
“And send Damian a picture.”
Again, confusion glazed over his boyish face.
I laughed. “You’ll understand when you open it.”
Brennan gave me a hug which was better than any “thank you.”
I curled up on the sofa, my head on a pillow that Damian brought me. Damian’s gaze shot in my direction every few minutes, and when it did, I offered a reassuring smile. The headache was getting worse by the second, and by the time the party ended, it had overtaken me.
The lights in the room blurred into fragments of gold, and the people were no more than fuzz. I tried to tell Damian I wanted to leave, but I’m not sure how far I got. Somehow, I still caught the fear in Damian’s eyes before I fainted.
Chapter 26
April 23
Dear Diary,
Sorry I haven’t written much. I’ve been so tired lately. I’m not going to golf practice, and I can only handle one class a day.
Tonight, though, is prom. And I feel like crap.
I’ve doused myself in meds and slept all day, determined to make this night special for Damian. I have a promise to keep.
He’ll be here at six. I guess it’s show time.
Showering went much faster without hair. After drying off, I slathered amber lotion over every inch of skin to cover up how pale I’d gotten. Dressed in a strapless bra and panties, I slipped on a pair of shorts and a button-up shirt to avoid getting blush on my dress.
I sat in front of the vanity, taking extra care with my makeup. Uncapping the black eyeliner, I squinted into the mirror. I always had problems putting this stuff on, but after wiping it off twice, I finally made the lines flawless above my lashes. Mom had bought me metallic eye shadow to match my dress. With three coats of mascara, the silver really stood out.
I rounded my lips with pink lip gloss then stuffed it in my purse for later. Studying my reflection, I added an extra coat of concealer under my eyes and tossed the compact in my purse too.
My headache began to disappear as I imagined Damian and me dancing. I unzipped the garment bag, the waves at the bottom of my dress poured out, cascading over the top. Gently, I pulled the dress off the hanger and held it up to my chest. I twirled, the skirt flowing out around me. I couldn’t wait to get it on. When someone tapped on my door, I laid the dress back on the bed and sat down.
“Come in,” I said, running my fingers over the material.
My mother held the last piece of the ensemble in her hand.
“What do you think?” she asked, admiring her work. She spun it around so I could see it from all sides.
I broke into a grin. “I think you’ve outdone yourself.”
She set her masterpiece on the vanity and scurried over to pick up the gown. “Come on, princess. Gotta get you ready for the ball.”
I laughed and kicked off my shorts. It took me a while to get the buttons unfastened, but when I did, I threw the shirt on the floor and ducked under the gown Mom held up for me. With my arms raised above my head, I emerged out of the top, the bodice settling in place. She zipped up the side and stepped back to examine me.
“Absolutely magnificent,” she said.
Her special pumps sat on the floor at my feet. I held onto the mattress with one hand for balance as she slipped them over my French-tipped toes and fastened them in the back.
Giddy, she took the final piece from the vanity and danced over to me. Her smile widened with each step.
I took a deep breath and sat on the bed. Mom crawled behind me and placed the wig on my bald head. The color was impeccable, matching my once-there auburn locks exactly. Then, she slipped off the bed and stood in front of me. She clasped her hands, her face lighting up.
“Oh, Katie!”
She led me to the full length mirror behind the door. I barely recognized myself. The wig had ringlets piled on top, and whips of bangs hanging over my forehead. A few curls swirled down, touching my shoulders. Pearls on bobby pins stuck out through the mass like glittering snowflakes.
“Mom!” I gasped. “It’s…it’s gorgeous.”
She leaned across me, kissing my cheek. “No, you’re gorgeous.”
Slowly, I faced her. She was glowing, and I realized how much this moment meant to her. As I wrapped my arms around her neck, my heart sunk. Again my thoughts went to how much she’d given up for me.
A small knock sounded at my door. “Katie?” Damian’s voice sent ripples of excitement down my spine.
“I’ll be done in a minute,” I answered. “Wait downstairs.”
“Do you need help—”
“No. I want to do it by myself.”
I let go of my mom, her mascara running down her face.
“Thank you, Mom,” I said.
She covered her mouth with her hand, inhaling a sigh. “I love you, baby.”
I let her open the door for me. She wiped her cheeks and headed toward the stairs. A few steps down, she glanced over her shoulder and blew me a kiss.
I took a deep breath, brushed my hands over the flounce in the skirt, and pictured Damian’s expression in my mind. It had been a long time since he’d seen me with hair, and I couldn’t wait for his jaw to drop open. The wig already itched, but it was a small price to pay.
I stood at the top of the stairs staring down at the three pairs of eyes beaming up at me. The night of the Christmas date swirled in my mind. Descending, I held onto the rail, fearful I’d trip over the small train rolling behind me. I squinted through the flashes exploding from my mother’s camera, trying to make out the look on Damian’s face.
When I reached the bottom, I saw the pride in my father’s eyes. He took my hand and kissed my cheek.
“You look beautiful, sweetheart,” he choked out.
He patted the top of my hand before placing it into Damian’s.
Damian shifted his gaze to the floor before meeting mine. A hint of disappointment glazed over his eyes—not what I’d imagined. He slipped a corsage of white roses and baby’s breath over my wrist.
“Your dress…wow! I…” He pursed his lips together.
“You don’t clean up half-bad, yourself,�
� I said, brushing nothing off the shoulder of his black tux.
“We’d better get going, or we’ll miss our dinner reservation.” Damian shot a nod toward my parents and walked with me out to the limo.
“You sure you’re feeling up to this tonight?” he asked once inside.
Puzzled that he hadn’t mentioned my hair, I nodded and stared out the window.
He sighed. “You look amazing.”
I nodded again. “You said that…sort of.”
After a few moments of silence, he drew my face to him, peering into my eyes. “I thought you hated wigs.”
I glanced at the floor. “I do, but I wanted to look perfect, for you.”
Damian lifted my chin. “Oh, baby.”
Putting his hand behind my head, he kissed me. With his other one, he pulled the wig off my head. He kissed my forehead, then sat back, admiring the view. A wide grin spread over his face.
“Here,” he said, reaching for the sack next to him. He drew out an iridescent butterfly and a small plastic tube.
“What’s that?”
Damian puffed a laugh. “I saw this on YouTube; let’s hope it works.”
He unscrewed the lid and placed a streak of clear glue on the backside of the butterfly.
“Well,” he hummed, examining me. He placed the butterfly on my head, just above my ear. Sitting back a little, he nodded. “Now you look perfect.”
How is he mine?
Then I did something I’d never done before. Heat coursing through me, I took his face in both hands and crushed my mouth to his. Surprised, he stiffened a little before relaxing. I separated his lips with my tongue, then moved to straddle him in the backseat of the limo.
He chuckled. “I’m not sure if we have that much time, Kate.”
I leaned into him, my head resting on his shoulder, and my lips pressed against his neck. My energy had drained that quickly. He held me close all the way to the restaurant, his fingers leaving trails of warmth over my bare shoulders.
At the Principal Building, Damian took my hand. Heads turned as the hostess led us to our table. Damian nodded in their direction, and I giggled.
“They think you’re as dazzling as I do.” His breath tickled my ear.
Love Always, Kate Page 21
