Never in the time I lived with my grandmother, did I feel like she loved me. She told me I was a mistake daily, and that my mother was a piece of crap too. She'd rub it in my face that they'd signed over parental rights and given up on me. She'd tell me she was stuck with me because no one else wanted me.
Eventually I made friends, one of them being Max. His dad would feel sorry for my situation and let me stay the night. After some time passed, I started living there. When the drug use and theft landed me in jail I thought I'd be homeless, because Max and his dad had moved, but upon my release I was given an ultimatum. Stay clean and have a home. I've been living in the back of the surf shop ever since.
There’s burning and sometimes tingling in my legs. Within the first week of being this way, my legs burned profusely. Then it radiated to my arms and hands. It’s so uncomfortable it feels like someone is lighting a fire from the inside. My doctors say this could mean my body is healing, albeit how can that be when it feels worse than before?
Some days are more unbearable. It’s a constant itch I’m unable to scratch. It’s a burning that so much more intense than that of a limb falling asleep. It’s like sticking my arm over an open flame and watching my skin melt away.
On top of that, I feel heavy, like a giant bolder is holding me down. I’ve been told this is a normal experience, but it’s uncomfortable.
I can still feel some things. Every Spinal Cord Injury is different, but many are treated with the same combination of medications. I’m being treated with an anti-seizure regiment that helps. It makes me feel drunk and sometimes I slur my words. For the most part I’m miserable.
When Miley comes to visit she massages my feet and hands. I’ve been able to feel pressure and mentally I know she’s doing it, but it’s nothing like a tickle or massage. It’s just there. She’s relentless though. Day in and out she does the same routine, promising that one day I’ll walk again. Her optimism keeps me content, even when I have doubts.
Sometimes I think it’s a good thing not to feel, because the extent of my injuries. I’m uncomfortable enough without having to be in excruciating pain to add.
In the past week I’ve been prone to muscle spasms. They come on without notice and can’t be controlled. I’m helpless and irritated. The doctor has me on muscle relaxers that also make me loopy. I’m sick of being this way, or relying on others to care for me. I can’t do the simplest of tasks. It’s debilitating to consider I could be like this forever. The bloat
Don’t even get me started on emotions. On any given day I can experience disgust, embarrassment, helplessness, worthlessness, frustration, sadness, being overwhelmed, belittled, fearful, burdened and unsatisfied. When Miley is in the room with me I even think about my inability to ever have a sexual relationship again.
That’s not the only thing I think of when she’s with me. Miley gives me a few hours of comfort a day. It’s all I look forward to. I rely on her visits.
I don't know why, because I've never enjoyed talking to chicks about my life, but every day I tell Miley more about my past. She makes me feel like she cares about me as a person, not just a patient stuck in a bed. Miley doesn't treat me like a cripple. She treats me as if we're equal. If she was ever assigned to another floor of the hospital to volunteer on I think I'd go crazy.
One thing she refuses to bring up is the accident. Since it’s all anyone else wants to talk about, I appreciate the reprieve. Years ago I may have been a punk who deserved to be tortured for what I put others through, but that was before I was incarcerated. It was before I got clean.
Before my injury I was an asshole to women. Looking over at Miley makes me want to change. She makes me feel like it's not the end for me, even if she’s only being nice because it's her job. There's just something about her I can't shake, and the longer we get to know each other the more I’m considering my attraction to her is a type of connection I've never had with another person before. To be stuck in this position for nearly fourteen days has been grueling, but her daily visits have made it seem tolerable. She makes me want to think I won't be like this forever; that some day I'll regain feeling back in my limbs and walk again. She gives me something I've never had before and I believe it's called hope.
Chapter 16
Miley
I'm in way over my head. Dr. Lucas implies I'm making great progress, but the majority of my therapy revolves around Baz and being able to forgive myself. Even though I'm fully aware she's hopeful my interaction with my hero will somehow change my mind about wanting to end my life, I'm only focused on our daily visits and getting to a place where I finally have the courage to tell him the truth. Dr. Lucas suggests I need to come clean about my identity. She feels it will help him cope with his inability to recall the events that day, possibly even giving him enough information where the memories start to resurface.
The problem is that I've spent two weeks getting to know the other side of Brian Baz Zakins. There's so much more to him than a brooding surfer with a cocky demeanor. We share similarities in the things we've been through in life. Neither of us asked to be thrown into turmoil and loss. Nor did it help that we couldn't count on the people closest to us.
When Baz opened up and talked to me about his parents it broke my heart. At least I got to spend a good twenty some years with my momma before she left this earth. Baz was basically cast aside like the garbage. He never felt wanted. Even my failed relationship with Michael gave me a sense of comfort. I know he cared about me, and there’s no doubt how important I was to my own mother.
For the longest time I pitied myself. Dr. Lucas has a one on one appointment with me three times a week. Since I'm in not an extreme danger to myself and am in the program of my own recognizance, we often meet in the hospital cafeteria for lunch. With only two weeks left in the program she's trying to convince me I could have a life here in Hawaii. The program also helps people like me get situated with temporary housing and job opportunities.
I know my being here could have potentially been a space for someone else who wanted help to have it, but I'm not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth. In all honesty, I'm thankful I've been a part of this. I used to have nothing to look forward to, but I'm making progress. My life is starting to have potential. Through the ash the sun still shines down on me. I don't know why I was saved, but after spending time with Baz I'm starting to see I don't have to give up.
Dr. Lucas has become someone I consider a friend. I watch her work with people and see them light up when she enters the room. She has a special gift. When I'm with her I know I'm safe. She doesn't judge me for my demons or my negative thoughts. When I'm down she comforts me, but most of all she's teaching me how to love myself.
Although she's very professional, quite often she reminds me she's also just a human with normal day struggles. I know her husband travels more frequently than she'd like. Last week her dog passed away and she was left to bury him alone. When she discussed this her own tears were apparent. She wanted me to know it's okay to hurt.
I'm trying to show Baz the exercises that she teaches me to get through hard moments on his bad days. He’s had many. Most actually. When his friend Max visits him in the evenings he seems to get worse. It’s like he works all day to keep from losing it, and the second someone from his life steps in he’s far too depressed to consider a recovery. Baz takes one step forward and two steps back. Up until the moment he feels my touch for the first time.
Chapter 17
Baz
I said it before and I’ll say it again, Miley is my angel. If anyone could break this monotonous hell it’s her. That’s why I’m not surprised she’s with me when I experience my first sense of touch.
After massaging both of my hands, she starts on my right foot. Usually I watch her, which makes it seem like I can feel when I can’t. This time I happen to have closed my eyes. I’m relaxed and she talking to me about a school trip she took in high school to a farm where she accidentally got bit by a pony. She’s good a
bout making me smile with her mishaps. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, there’s a twinge. Then it’s stronger. My eyes shoot open and she stands up straight. “What’s wrong, Baz? Are you having a spasm?”
“No. I felt it.”
“Are you sure?” She knows I’ve been mistaken a time or two and gotten my hopes up for nothing. Miley taps on my toes. “Can you feel this?”
My lips begin to tremble as an excited smile plasters across my shocked face. “Yes.”
“How about this?” She tries two other toes.
“No.”
“Okay, it’s a start, Baz. It’s a huge start.”
She squeezes the toe I can feel. “You’re sure?”
“Yes. I can feel you touching it. I can feel it, Miley. My God I can feel it.” The rush of emotions isn’t controlled. My eyes are filled with tears by the time she reaches up to stroke my face. “I could feel you.”
“I should get the doctor.”
Before she can slip away I stop her. “Wait. Please don’t go yet. Just stay with me for a second and share this moment. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so excited about anything in my life and there’s not another person I can think of that I’d rather share this with.”
“I’m happy for you, Baz. It’s huge news. Pretty soon you’ll be able to feel everything again, then you’ll be well on your way to recovery.”
When she says that I suddenly believe her. I have faith I can get better. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure anything.”
“If this is progress and one day I’m able to walk again, do you think I could take you out on a date?”
“Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself? You have plenty of time to decide on something like that.”
“No. I’m not. I know this is your job, but you need to understand how much I value your company.”
I shake my head. “I don’t think we should talk about this. Let the doctor look you over.”
“Are you saying no because you have doubts?”
There’s something about her face that makes me feel like she’s despondent. I don’t get it. Her smile is always what gets me through the day, but somehow my one question has caused her to be upset. “It’s not that, Baz. Don’t ever think that. I just don’t think you’d want to date me if you knew me in real life. Not real life, but out of the hospital. If you knew me out of this room you’d change your mind.”
“Why? Are you pretending to be my friend?” It hurts more than being in this bed if it’s true.
“Absolutely not. Our friendship means more to me than you could ever know.”
Even with her reassurance, I don't feel better with the way she responded. For the first time since we met, Miley is withdrawing and it makes no sense to me. I've come so close to death, been bed ridden for weeks, unable to move, living with the fear of never being able to walk again and now this. Has she been playing a roll as a positive influence because of my injury? Is everything an act?
Sick to my stomach, and embarrassed for assuming we were becoming more, I decide to change my mind about seeing the doctor. I should be celebrating and not worried about some broad who obviously doesn't think we'd be cool with each other under different circumstances.
When I assume Miley is going to leave for the day, I'm surprised to hear her voice coming from the far corner of the room where I'm unable to see. She's explaining to the nurse which toe I had feeling in. The nurse comes over and starts prodding me. I watch her checking every single one until she comes to the toe in question. "I can feel that," I tell her. It’s probably all in my head, but I swear her touch is uncomfortable compared to Miley's. What's even more surprising to me is when I see Miley coming up on the opposite side of me and taking my hand. She gazes at me and smiles. "Pretty soon your going to feel something in all of your toes." Her promises instantly lead me to a better place.
The nurse pokes me on every limb until finally accepting that for now it's just my toe. She tells me she'll pass the news on to my doctor for when he visits in the morning. It's not until she's gone that Miley speaks again.
"I'm sorry about earlier, Baz. Please don't think I wouldn't be your friend outside of this hospital. To be completely honest with you, I haven't had many friends here lately. I'm basically a loner. People call me an introvert. I hate crowds and loud places. I told you about my Momma dying and how I cared for her, but it did explain the toll it took on me. After a while she was all I had. It's not that I don't like you. In the past couple weeks I've been visiting you I haven't felt so alone, but there are things I can't tell you and I'm afraid it's the reason I have to be careful making promises I'm not certain I'll be able to keep."
"Having lots of friends is overrated."
"Says the guy who wants to be famous."
"Yeah, maybe. It's not like it's going to happen now."
"Baz, no one deserves what you're going through. I just want to be as honest as I can with you."
"You can tell me your secrets, Miley. I won't judge you."
"I'm afraid that's impossible to know. I've done terrible things. It's why I'm here every day."
"Do you volunteer because of community service? I don't really see someone like you breaking the law."
"I hurt people. It wasn't on purpose. Lord knows I'd never want anyone to suffer."
"Do me a favor," I request. "Bring your hand up to my face."
She does it.
"Let me see the back of your hand."
Her hand comes up am I'm staring right at it.
"Press it to my lips."
Miley obviously doesn't expect this. When I feel the soft skin of the back of her hand touching my lips I close my eyes and wish she never pulls it away. For just a few seconds I wish we weren't in this shitty hospital. This is the kind of chick I'd love to meet. Instead of my usual hookups, I'd take my time with her. I'd make sure she felt wanted, and appreciated. She says she knows how I feel, but she can't begin to understand what it's like to wake up every day without the use of her arms and legs.
When Miley removes her hand her eyes are locked on mine. "Just in case we never get that date."
"What makes you think I'm your type of girl?"
I almost laugh, but since we're being honest I'll give it to her straight. "Before my accident you probably wouldn't have been. You're too nice for me. I have a habit of going after the easy ones so they aren't a distraction. Chicks that required a lot of my attention weren't worth the effort and lost time in the water."
"Are you hitting on me because I'm the only girl you've talked to since the accident?"
"No. I've been flirting with you since that first day you walked into my room. I was pretty doped up, but I'll never forget it. Now I just hope that one day you’ll let me kiss you for real. I know it’s probably against hospital policy, but I won’t tell if you won’t. I mean, since my dick doesn’t work anymore I have to use what I have left.”
She laughs at me. “You’re crazy. Sometimes it’s like you’re not even stuck in this bed. When I’m with you it just feels like we’re hanging out on a plush couch with huge throw pillows on either side.”
“Throw pillows, huh. Is that your thing? I’m not really into décor, but we all appreciate pillows.”
Now we’re both laughing. This is the kind of friendly banter I’m used to with Miley. No matter how low I feel, I know she’ll light up the room and make me smile. “No. It’s silly.” Miley shakes her head. “Sorry. When I’m uncomfortable I tend to go off topic.”
“You could talk about milking cows on a farm and I’ll hang onto your every word.”
“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were flirting again. What’s gotten into you today?”
“Today I felt my toe. Who knows what will come tomorrow. By next week we could be rolling around in the sheets. After this catastrophe I may have to go full on gigolo, that is, unless you agree to that date.”
Miley rolls her eyes and smirks. “Fine. When you get out of this contraption I
’ll agree to a date, but you have to make one promise.”
“Name it.”
“If I like it too much you have to be nice about it. At least pretend you want a second date.”
I laugh loudly. “It’s a deal.”
“Okay, now can we go back to being normal? This is so awkward.”
“This is the real me. It all started with a toe and it ended with…well I’m just going to let you make something up in that creative mind of yours. Same time tomorrow, right?”
Shyly, Miley nods, looks away, and then back toward me. Her cheeks are rosy and I can tell I’m making her uncomfortable, but I don’t care. This is the first day I’ve felt like myself. Maybe I’m overexcited, but I just want to ride this out for a little while longer.
Chapter 18
Miley
My hands are shaking as I make my way to the elevators. Baz thinks I’m some saint, and it disgusts me. I can’t walk around pretending to be his hero, when I’m at fault. This connection we have isn’t real. It’s all a fabricated lie built off of more lies. I’m not a volunteer. I’m a mental patient who, until the accident, had no reason to live. Now my only purpose is to see Baz come out of this agile and healthy.
Today there was a glimmer of hope. He felt something. As small as a toe can be in the broader spectrum of things, it’s a start. It’s enough to warrant more tests and possibly some new therapy tactics to try to promote more sensations.
Ever since this accident I’ve been asking Dr. Lucas hundreds of questions. She usually has to look most up on the computer for me, since I’m not allowed to use one in the program. It hasn’t bothered me. Watching television or searching social media sites only makes me depressed. It’s all the same drama. Someone is missing. Someone was murdered. Someone died after battling an illness. Bad weather is approaching. There’s devastation in another foreign country. None of it makes a person feel better, unless you’re a sociopath.
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