“But don’t you? Death is permanent. In many religions it’s a sin. You call yourself a Christian and talk about your mother being in Heaven. Is it death that you want, or escape? I’m not saying you haven’t endured an exponential amount of pain in your young life, because you certainly have. I’m only offering another way to find a solution. Suicide is forever.”
“I know. Trust me I know.”
“I’m worried about the repercussions if and when Baz regains his memories or you decide to tell him. I’m not sure it’s healthy for you to continue spending time with someone you emotionally fear. Maybe we should cut back on the visits for a little while.”
“No. Please, Dr. Lucas. Please don’t.”
“Miley, you’re under my care. As your doctor I can’t allow you to do things that upset you.”
“Being around him makes me happy. I smile when we’re together. If he finds out I won’t do anything to harm myself. Please. Being his friend is all I have right now. I need to see this through. I swear I won’t try to hurt myself. I’ll call you and we can work through it together. I’m not crazy. I don’t want to die. I can’t die now.”
“Why?”
Damn her. She did this on purpose. She knew if she got me worked up I’d make a mistake. “Because if I ended my life it would mean that he almost lost his for nothing. I can’t die knowing I ruined his life. I need to know he’ll recover. I need to see him walk again.”
“Then what?”
I shrug. “And then I’ll reevaluate my life when that time comes. I’ll find another purpose.”
“I’d like to increase your medication dosage. You won’t notice a big difference, but it will help with the stress you’re putting on yourself. As for purpose, we need to get you working on a resume so that I’m able to submit it to the representative that will help you with job placement. I must say, I’m a bit worried about the impact this relationship will have on your progress. When we started your treatment I was under the impression that it would help you build a friendship and assist with you appreciating life. Now I worry it’s more of an emotional connection for you. Starting a relationship while in recovery is both stressful and difficult. As your doctor and your friend I need you to keep that in mind. My approach to you is different. It has been since the day we met. You’re a special person, Miley. You need to know that.”
We make eye contact and I smile. She cares for me. I know that. I care about her too. “Thank you. I promise you’ll be the first to know if things change. I’m okay. I’m worried and afraid, but not in a crazy, you need to worry, way.”
She ponders it for a second. “Good.” Dr. Lucas jots down something on the back of a business card. “This is my cell phone number. The staff has it, but you’re the only patient allowed out of this wing. If you need to call me for any reason you don’t have to ask permission.”
“Dr. Lucas, can I ask you something personal?”
“Sure. I’ll try to answer.”
“Did you put me in this program because I had nowhere left to go? I’m just asking because I’m allowed to do what I want, while the other patients aren’t. You guide me like I’m your child instead of a patient.”
She exhales and smiles, while placing her pen down on her notepad. “I did. You needed help, and I had the means to offer it.”
“What happens when the program is over?”
“You’ll go into the job program and we’ll go from there.”
“Why? Why go out on a limb for a person you know nothing about. I get the whole doctor oath thing, but it’s more than that, right? It’s because your sister? It’s because I remind you of her.”
“Yes, you’re absolutely right. I made my decision primarily because I knew you needed me. It’s what she would have wanted me to do. I’d do anything to save her. You may think you’re alone, Miley, but you don’t have to be anymore. You can start over, not because it’s being forced on you, but because giving up should never be an option.” When she sniffles I reach across the desk and touch her hand. She grips it and concocts a phony smile in between tears. “I’m sorry. This is absolutely unprofessional.”
“No. It helps me understand. I’m grateful for you. I literally have nothing to my name. You’ve given me something to hold onto. I know I’m not crazy. I have legitimate reasons for doing what I did, but I get it now. I can be a better person. I don’t want to leave this world with nothing.”
With a smile plastered across her face, Dr. Lucas pretends she wasn’t just overemotional. “You don’t know how good it is to hear that from you.” In all of our hours of talking, she’s never shown me photographs on her desk, not until now. She flips a frame around. There’s two young girls who resemble each other. I recognize one as Dr. Lucas. “That’s me, and that’s my sister Cadence.”
“Wait, I thought that was your first name. “Candace.” She rolls her eyes. “My parents thought it was cute. They called me Candy until I went to college.”
“You really look alike.”
“I miss her every single day. After she passed away I felt like a part of me was gone forever, but then I remembered that wasn’t true. A part of her will always be with me, inside of my heart. I carry her wherever I go. My love for her will never fade. Our memories will never be forgotten.”
“I get it,” sadly I say.
“Tell me one thing you need in your life, Miley. Just one. What is the most important thing you feel you can’t survive without?”
It’s easy. The answer is so simple it exudes from my mind. It haunts me.
“Love.”
“Why?”
“Because I know what it’s like to have no one love you. To not be loved by a single person in the world. There’s no one left to love me and it’s difficult to wrap my head around that. No matter where I turn I see people. Couples and families. I see happiness, and relationships. I see friends.”
“And you feel alone in the world.”
“Essentially, I am alone. Not including you, or my so-called whatever it is I have with Baz. Without the two of you I am completely alone.”
“That’s just it, Miley. You’re not alone. People come into our lives unexpectedly. Maybe you were supposed to come to Hawaii. Maybe your path is set to continue here.”
I don’t answer because I know she has a valid point.
She’s right. I’ve been looking at this all wrong. It’s not about possessions or what’s right in front of me. It’s not about what can be held or seen. It’s about what we hold dear to us.
I’m not alone.
Two weeks.
Two long unnerving weeks ago I was ready to end my life. After destroying someone else in the process and failing horribly, I’m left regretting the whole ordeal. I was in a terrible place in my life. All of a sudden I realize how much can change in a little amount of time, and it’s not just Dr. Lucas making it happen. It’s Baz.
Chapter 21
Baz
Last night, with the company of Max and his dad, I watched the encore presentation of the surf competition I’d qualified for. Words are impossible to describe the resentment and disillusion I experience while watching the people I compete against surfing out in the water where I should be. To see them doing tricks and celebrating. To watch the winner, who I know I could have beat three times over, being congratulated. To see Max and his dad in the audience smiling and having a good time. It. Was. All. Too. Much.
They wanted to stay and hang out, but I was no longer in the mood for company. In fact, I was okay if they didn’t come to visit for a while. They represented what I may never get back again. I know they care, but it’s not enough right now. Nothing can help this ache go away. Nothing can give me back what I’ve lost. If I’m never going to surf again, or be the person I was before the accident, I don’t know if I can be around them. It would hurt too much, and right now all I’ve been experiencing is pain and regret.
Maybe it was because I’d been watching the competition, or that surfing was on my mind, but
when I close my eyes to sleep the accident starts coming back to me. Flashes of that day, being taken under, the blows my body took when it smacked against the rocks and coral, the amount of pain I suffered before I blacked out. I remembered. I could see it playing out vividly in my mind. It repeated, over and over until it made me sick to my stomach. Parts of my body ached like I was reliving those moments and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Getting myself so worked up that it warranted a visit from a nurse, I was fed a sedative and warned about injuring myself further unless I learned to relax.
I’m still restless and putting the pieces together when Miley strolls in. Her smile extinguishes my current mood and I’m eager to talk about the pieces of memories that are coming back in flashes. As soon as her gentle hand threads with mine I’m at peace. “Hey there. The nurse told me your were having a hard time. Everything okay?”
“I started remembering.” As the sentence comes out I feel her let go of my hand and take a step back. It’s strange to see her react like this, but before I can ask what’s wrong she starts to talk.
“That’s great, Baz. Isn’t it?”
Normally I’d shrug, but it’s impossible with this stupid halo keeping me from moving. “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s messing with my head.”
“How much do you remember?” She shakes her head. “You know what, you don’t have to answer. I can see it’s gotten you upset.”
“It’s just little flashes. I remember being in the water and being taken under by a set of waves. I remember the undertow shoving me against the rocks and a batch of coral. Hell, I can even remember the sound of my neck breaking. After that it’s nothing.”
“So, you were just surfing?”
“Apparently. I mean, yeah. Max said he left me there to catch one more wave. I guess I over calculated something, or didn’t anticipate the barrel or the way the wind was switching the wave patterns. I’m usually not careless, but I suppose I could have made a mistake.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m better now that you’re here.”
Her smile is contagious. I take in her beautiful face and feel like for the next several hours I can breathe without a constricting lump that’s permanently taken residence in my throat.
Sometimes I wish I could see the future. To be able to know where Miley will be when I get out of here. If we'll be friends or if this is just some obligation to her. I wish there was some way to know ahead of time before I make a fool of myself.
In my current situation I'm sort of helpless in mind and body. I want to believe the people helping me in this hospital genuinely care about my improvements. I need to know if it's just the job, or they feel sorry for my situation, or in Miley's case, she actually has real feelings for me.
I'm grasping at straws here. Knowing how much I rely on her visits only tells me she's not just another hospital worker. I consider her a friend, which is weird because I don't normally like hanging with chicks. I rarely open up to anyone and keep my feelings bottled up inside of me. With her it's different. "Do you think you can stay a little while longer today?"
Miley looks in my eyes and then frowns. "I don't know. I suppose I can ask. I'd have to leave to find my, um, my boss. She'll need to approve it."
"Don't ask until our visit is over. I don't want to waste any time together."
"Okay." She takes my hand and tosses a worried glare. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm always okay when you're with me."
"Baz, be serious."
"Oh, trust me, I am. I'm looking forward to that date you promised me."
Miley smirks as her cheeks fill with color. Her bright eyes avoid looking into mine. "It's probably going to be the worst experience of your life. I'm not very interesting."
"Let me guess, you're a twenty something year old virgin who lives in a tiny one room apartment with ten cats and only one litter box."
She playfully slaps me on the shoulder, not even hard enough to warrant alarm. I laugh when she smiles. "So you don't like cats?"
"I like pussy."
Her shock silences the room.
"Sorry, I saw an opening and I took it."
"I'm not a virgin. You know that already. I told you I lived with my ex."
"Yeah, but he's gay, so I wondered if you were waiting until marriage."
"Nope, that ship has sailed."
"Into the deep blue sea and lost forever, or docked for new passengers?"
"Oh my god. You're crazy. What's gotten into you today?"
"I'm tired of being in this bed for one. For two, I need you to know where I stand when it comes to us."
Miley bites down on her bottom lip. She looks toward the door and points to it. "I'm just going to close this for a second."
"What? Why?"
I can tell she's up to no good, but it's unlike her to be so outgoing.
When she comes back to the bed she's giggling. "Okay, now we can talk about whatever you want without people hearing us."
"You're actually up for talking about sex?"
"I'll talk about anything as long as it's with you."
I know it's just a sentence, but it provides me one answer I've been unsure of. I don't think this is about a job anymore. Miley is into me. It almost feels as good as being on a warm beach with my feet and hands dug into the sand while watching the waves of the ocean rolling in.
"Tell me what you look for in a relationship?"
"Seriously? Does it really matter to you?"
"It will. Trust me."
"I do trust you." She shrugs. "I guess I look for honesty since I didn't get that the first few times around."
"Few times? So there's been more than one?"
"Three. Don't judge. You must quadruple that."
"Touché."
"Favorite girlfriend quality?"
"Long luxurious locks of brown hair," I tease with a chortle. "Fine. To be honest I probably look for the size of her ass first. Then her other round attributes."
"Round attributes? Wow." She mocks me again. "Round attributes. Please spare me the specifics."
"I like hot chicks. I'm a hot guy."
"A little sure of yourself?"
"Hey, I've been looking at this face for my whole life. Come on, you know I've got it going on."
"You're something all right."
"Okay, before this goes off track, what's the biggest lie you ever told to someone you were dating?"
At first she's quiet, but then a little spark changes her frown to a bright gleaming smile. "I told my ex I orgasm every time we had sex."
"But you didn't?"
"Not with him. I mean, he wasn't really good at being with a woman. In hindsight I know why."
"When I get out of this collar, and you let me get in those pants, I'll blow your mind."
Miley drags her teeth over her lip. "I might take you up on that. Might." She points at my face when she says it.
“Well I might look forward to that decision."
She snickers. “Yeah, me too.”
Chapter 22
Miley
People make choices. Every single day we wake up and decide what to wear, or eat for breakfast. We decide to drive a car, or take or the bus. We even decide where we work and how we’ll do our jobs. Sometimes we make choices that have consequences; the kind of consequences that leave others hurt and angry.
My choices are flawed. You see I’ve been selfish. I never thought that my personal decisions would end up hurting innocent people.
That wasn’t the only choice I made. Perhaps that was the first of many leading up to this very moment, to this conversation that makes my friendship with Baz something more. Consequently, in order to move forward, I have to go back to my second choice I made in this situation.
Checking on the man who saved my life.
I wanted to know if he was okay. Guilty for the harm I caused, I wanted to know he was going to survive. When I discovered the magnitude of his injuries I knew I was completely at fau
lt. I caused another person to suffer life threatening injuries.
Truth be told, my third decision happened without a second thought. I had to stay close. Checking myself into a month long mental program would offer me a place to stay and food to eat until I could figure out other options. The real reason I needed to stay wasn’t for my own good, not totally. It was Baz. I had an obligation. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how it was possible.
Onto my fourth decision, which happens to be the most reckless of the them all, even the suicide part. My fourth decision was to allow myself to develop feelings for the man I almost killed, all while pretending I was his guardian angel.
If anyone should burn in Hell it’s going to be me. I’m also pretty glad I’m currently enrolled in a mental program, because when this all blows up in my face I’m going to need double the support than I’m already receiving.
After my normal visit is over, I run back and search for Dr. Lucas or someone else that can give me permission to go back. I’m not usually a rule breaker, but this is sort of relevant to my friendship with Baz. He needs to know he can count on me.
Nearly twenty minutes later I’m heading back to his room. The elevator doors open and I’m staring into the eyes of Max. We’ve only seen each other in passing, or for a few minutes. It’s never been long enough for him to suspect he’s seen me before. The longer it goes on, the less I expect him to ever remember that day on the beach. Until he does. The elevator doors close and he glances in my direction. “Going to see, Baz?”
“Yeah, I’m headed back there now.”
“You’ve been spending a lot of time together from what he’s told me.”
“We’re friends. I’m here to support him.”
“Does he know you’re the same girl from the beach or that you were the last person to see him before his accident?”
His revelation leaves me freaking out. Suddenly the walls feel like they’re closing in on me. I’m stunned and unable to move or reply. Instead I stand quietly staring at the door, praying it will open so I can get away from him. But then where will I go? Do I run to Baz? Do I come clean first? Everything feels like it’s about to implode. I’m petrified. When the door dings he steps in front of me and keeps walking.
Wave Page 9
