by Megan Noelle
I gulped, trying to regain some control. “How did you find me?”
“Right before I was pulled back into the car, someone said ‘call an ambulance’ and I knew they’d bring you to the closest one. Then I called repeatedly, waiting for information on if you were okay after you fell. I even pretended to be your brother, and then once I found out what was wrong I called the billing department and told them I would pay it all.”
“But why would you do that?”
He smiled and looked towards his feet. “Because I knew you’d come here and yell at me. I had to see you again.”
“Oh,” I muttered out. I was hardly able to form a complete thought, while in the back of my mind I knew I needed to wake up and get away.
“And now, here you are.” We looked into each other’s eyes and any warning faded away. I was undoubtedly being pulled into something I never before dreamed would come around again. The tenderness, warmth and the life we shared; I had shoved all of this to the dark depths of my heart, and all were beginning to emerge and in the process was tearing a gash right through my wall, protecting me from falling once again.
A knock on the office door echoed through the silence in the room. The door cracked open a bit as the red-headed receptionist poked her head in.
“Um…Mr. Harrison? I’m sorry to interrupt, but it’s time for your lunch meeting.” The woman’s timid voice filled the room, while Stefan’s eyes glared holes right through her. This interruption was just what I needed to remind myself of the reason why I was here. It also made me hate everything about the past two minutes.
What the hell was I thinking?
“I’ll be there in a minute.” His voice commanded, firmly ending anything else this woman may have wanted to add.
“I need to go.” I said, the venom slowly slipped into my tone as I was no longer amused by any of this.
I quickly turned to head toward the still open door, but Stefan’s fingers locked tight around my upper arm. I knew I wasn’t going anywhere, but I felt my rage returning. I wanted to depart before I made an even bigger fool of myself.
“Hold on, Grey.” Stefan said, before returning his attention to the woman standing at the door. The way her eyes were fixated on the hold he had on my arm. The way her cheeks reddened and lips pursed made me suddenly feel as if I was the third wheel in this room—not her.
They had been together before and it was written all over her jealous face.
“You can leave now, Amanda,” Stefan demanded. Amanda turned on her heel and slammed the door shut behind her. The instant we were alone again I yanked my arm free and spun around to stare into Stefan’s face once again.
“I mean it Stefan—stay out of my life. I don’t need your help or your charity. So just leave me alone—go back to pretending I don’t exist.”
He held his hands up and took a cautious step towards me as I backed away for a chance to clear my mind.
“I could never pretend you didn’t exist, Greyson Rose.”
“Well try. I’m happy, Stef. I have a great job, friends, family and a fiancé who loves me and whom I love dearly.” As if on cue he glanced towards the ring on my finger.
For just a moment there was a flash of something before his cool, unfazed façade was put into place. It was only an instant, but I swore he was jealous. “Congratulations, now I need to get going to a lunch meeting before I lose yet another account because I’m distracted by you.”
My jaw dropped, no way, he was not blaming me for that! “That was not my fault, Stefan! This is exactly why we need to not have anything to do with each other. Thank you for paying the medical bills, but you will be receiving a check to pay you for the costs.”
Stefan grabbed something behind his desk and shoved it into a briefcase and came back my way. “Let’s go.”
His hand fanned out at the small of my back, leading us toward the elevator, past a glaring Amanda. “Have a cab waiting for Ms. Desmond once we get downstairs,” he called back over his shoulder as the elevator doors closed.
“How did you know I needed a cab?” Stefan’s lips pulled up a little at the corner; a great deal of amusement was gone from his face.
“I run a security business, Greyson Rose. It’s my job to know who is walking into my building and their mode of transportation.”
“Oh, well, I suppose.” The air between us grew tense. Nothing about this was normal, and in the same few minutes I felt awkward, embarrassed and incredibly down. Basically—I was a wreck.
We stood in silence, the elevator doors slid open and once again Stefan’s hand was at the small of my back. A doorman that I hadn’t noticed earlier smiled at the two of us.
“The cab you requested is here.”
“Excellent,” was all Stefan replied. The bright sun engulfed us as we stepped onto the sidewalk.
As promised, a bright yellow cab sat in front of the building, and Stefan led us directly to it. We stopped at the door, but he took hold of my arm again to keep me from opening it.
“You are seriously mistaken if you think I’m going to accept any money from you. And you are wrong to think I could ever just let you go. I’m not giving up that easily, and I don’t care what you say; you’re meant to be in my life and I will always be a part of yours. So get over it.” He moved my hair away from my shoulder and lowered his lips to the skin below my ear. Sensations swirled unnaturally throughout every muscle, vein, and inch of my skin. Those full lips left such a tender kiss that I almost wondered if I imagined it. By the time I thought I had a hold of the touch, it was gone.
“I’ll see you soon, Greyson Rose.”
And before I could respond, or process anything he said, the door was opened and I was sat onto the seat.
“25 Dartmouth Street,” he bellowed to the driver and with a wave he was gone. Leaving me driving away in a car wondering what the hell just happened.
I sat in the back of the cab in a total and complete daze. I was stunned that I had just been in Stefan’s presence once again. After years this man still had a hold on my heart and I loathed it. It hadn’t mattered that I went in there with fire in my eyes; the instant I saw him, I was putty in his hands. Letting him get close and touch me while I breathed him in unapologetically. It had been as if I forgot who I was when he was near. Before I even realized what had happened—it was over. And here I sat in a shocked silence, heading back home.
Wait a minute…home? Did I give the driver my home address, or had Stefan?
“Excuse me, sir,” I beckoned to the driver. “Where are we going?”
He cast an annoyed look at me for interrupting his talk radio and answered in a huff. “25 Dartmouth.”
“Is that what he said??” The tone of my voice grew into an even higher pitch and I felt my body rattle.
“Yes, was he wrong?”
“Well, no, but I don’t want to go there!” He didn’t even bothered hiding his sigh of irritation.
“Well, where do you want to go, lady?”
A million places came to mind, but only one was a viable option, “Psychology Today, please!”
With another sigh he flipped on the blinker to turn us around while I practically bounced on the seat, my nerves getting the better of me.
We arrived and I flipped him some money, a nice little tip included, and bolted up to the suite I needed. The waiting room held a handful of people and the receptionists looked occupied with clients. What captured my attention was the door that was normally locked to go back to the therapists had just been opened. No way would they let me in to see Amy if I didn’t have an appointment or if someone else was back there, but I needed to talk to her—now!
As fast as my legs could carry me, I bolted forward through the door and didn’t stop until I reached Amy’s closed office door. Without a second thought I burst it open and threw myself into her office.
“It’s because of him! That’s why I still come here.” A fresh waterfall of tears I didn’t know were there began flowing out. My hands co
vered my eyes and my head shook. “It’s all because of him.”
“Grey?” Amy’s voice sounded from the other side of my closed eyes; a soft touch on my shoulder came next. “Did something happen?”
Slowly I uncovered my eyes and looked at her concerned expression. “Yeah, something happened.”
For the first time I noticed the woman in a floral dress print, seated on the couch I usually occupied. She seemed shocked that I was there, but at least she didn’t look pissed at this completely rude interruption.
“I’m so sorry,” I whimpered out to her.
The woman’s eyes bugged out in surprise as she shook her head back and forth. “No worries, listen, you seem to need Amy more than I do right now. You can stay if you’d like.”
I looked to Amy’s face for a reaction. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need to stay, but this was not my time. She took my silence as asking for permission and proceeded with the questions I would be asking.
“Sasha, are you sure? We do only meet once a week, so this is rightfully your time.”
Sasha waved a hand of dismissal in the air and grabbed her purse from the ground. “I’ll schedule another one later in the week if I need more time, but I’ll just plan on coming back next week.”
“Thank you so much, Sasha. I’ll make sure you aren’t billed by your insurance for this,” Amy reassured her.
“Oh, no worries, Amy.” Sasha approached where I stood in front of the door and gave my hands a tight squeeze. “I hope this helps you, darling.”
“Thank you,” I choked out. Sasha smiled and left, closing the door behind her.
For the first time in the years I had been coming here, I curled up on the sofa. A pillow propped my head up and my arms wrapped around my legs, holding them to my chest. Amy moved her chair to my side and lightly brushed away the strands of hair from my forehead.
“What happened, Grey? I can’t even remember the last time you came in here and were distraught over something.”
“It all started on Saturday.”
I proceeded to tell Amy of my run in with Stefan, the way he looked at me and the way I felt everything come back. The trip to the hospital and then Stefan suddenly showing up to pay the bills and how furious I was. I tried my hardest to recap the visit to his office and everything he had said; the emotions that followed and the hold I knew he still had over me. The whole time Amy sat silently, nodding when necessary, always keeping a hand on me. It was as if she was trying to make sure I would keep it together and not fall apart, crumbling into an even bigger mess.
“You haven’t really ever dealt with Stefan’s loss in your life, Grey.”
“What are you talking about? Of course I have!” I argued, sitting up from the fetal position, pressing my legs to my chest once more.
“Not really. You have moved on, in relationships and with your career. On the outside you are doing it all right. It’s what you’re not doing on the inside that has kept you from truly moving forward.”
I opened my mouth to fight her, but snapped it shut. “What do you mean by, I haven’t done it on the inside?”
Amy sat up straight, folded her hands in her lap and looked at me for a moment. Nothing was said, but I didn’t press it. Amy frequently gathered her thoughts in silence before speaking out loud. A skill I wish I had.
“You come in here and you don’t talk about your past. In fact, you will go out of your way to avoid it. Every week when you come in you tell me about only the good in your life. Now, there is nothing wrong with that and I’m so happy you have great things in your life. The trouble is that isn’t going to help you. You have experienced very traumatic things in your life, Grey. Things that some people won’t experience in a lifetime.” Thanks for reminding me.
“No person can recover so gracefully without the memories sitting in your mind. But I don’t see you working through what you’ve been through, I see you pushing it further into the darkness. Leaving it to stew in your mind and there is no way that can be good for you. That is why, when you saw Stefan again, it all came back. Everything you ever were and ever wanted to be. You are a different person now than you were when you were with him, Grey. As a woman you have grown, and I’ve seen that because I’ve been right here meeting with you every week.”
Never before had Amy been so blunt with me. Our conversations were simple and felt more like two old friends that met up every week for coffee. Except those two friends weren’t very close and talked only about the obvious facts of one’s life. I wasn’t too sure how much I liked this more open side, but on the other hand—it felt good. Having someone who knew me so well and really give it to me straight. Especially since no one in my life really knew me anymore.
“When you saw Stefan you were reminded of every painful memory; why you were with him and how it felt to no longer have him. As difficult as that had to have been for you it needed to happen, Grey. You can’t live your life on the surface when you have so much buried in the deep. Because one day if everything isn’t fantastic for you, you will drown in the weight of the overflow of everything.”
We sat there in silence, as every honest and upsetting word sunk deep into my psyche. As much as I hated to admit it—Amy was right. But it still wasn’t going to be easy to let it go and move forward like nothing happened. So maybe I couldn’t recite all of my feelings, but there was one thing I could admit to. My hands fanned out over the brown microfiber couch that sat beneath me. I felt the soothing fabric against my fingers and I let out a sigh.
“I come here because it’s a comforting reminder. When I’m here I don’t feel so alone in my heart. Stefan and I used to come here together for therapy, sit in this very spot while we tried to hold onto what we had. You knew the two of us, and right now there are very few in my life that even know what used to exist between us. I’ve moved on from Stefan, but sometimes it’s hard to let everything go, because if I let go of everything I…” My voice cracked, and I knew nothing else was coming out
“You’d feel like you were letting go of Allie,” Amy finished the treacherous thought I felt creeping up. “That you were admitting defeat as a wife and a mother.”
The truth of her words stung my heart and suddenly the air in my lungs evaporated. Here it was, that drowning sensation I was desperate to avoid and now I could feel it. The water sucked me in, the weight pulled me down and I was gasping to hold on.
“Hey,” Amy whispered, a soothing hand reached out and rested against my wrist. “It isn’t true, Grey. You did not abandon or fail as those things; life happened and you dealt with it accordingly. I have to say, I think you have done so incredibly, too.”
I looked up, tears clouding my eyes. “You do?”
She gave me a warm comforting smile. “Absolutely. It isn’t easy to rebuild a life, Grey, but you’ve done it. I know it was never ideal to give up everything you pictured for yourself and start anew. You did it though, you got your feet underneath you; pursued your career, made new friends and fell in love again. I want you to heal, Grey. If anyone deserves it, it is you.”
I nodded my head, not sure if I really believed everything she said, but I knew I wanted to. It was exhausting and painful to hold things back and I wasn’t sure I could anymore.
“Stefan will always be a strong force within your life, even his name makes your pulse quicken. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take hold of those emotions and deal with them the right way. It is difficult to let go, but you have a life and a fiancé that will be there to help you with this.”
My head hung down, my fiancé, she was right about that. Richard was the epitome of perfection, and he deserved to know the depths of my past. Not to feel his pity, but to show him that I trust him with something as challenging as this. However, just like every other time I got close to telling him, my stomach clenched as a bile taste crept up my throat. It wasn’t an easy topic to think about and even worse when I thought of the way it would be if I told him everything.
It didn’t matte
r how long it has been since Allie had been gone or how long Richard has been in my life. The truth was I still wasn’t ready to let him in all the way yet. I only wished I understood why.
“Keep your appointment for this Friday, Grey. I’d like to check in with you again, if you don’t mind coming back in that is.”
I nodded, knowing all too well I’d need that visit. “I’ll keep it.”
Amy stood as I did and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling me close. “It is going to be alright, Grey. Whatever might be going on inside of you, feel it. Don’t run and hide from it as that will never help you. It’s okay to hurt and to be scared just as long as you work through it. Most importantly, I want you to find someone else to talk to about some of this. Whether it is Richard, your brother or even your friends from the salon. Let some people know your past, at least some of it. Can you try to do that?”
“I can,” I promised. It wasn’t going to be easy, but I needed to try. More importantly, I needed to truly trust someone else again.
Sitting outside on the bench waiting for the latest cab to take me somewhere, I pulled out my phone. My finger hovered over Richard’s number, to call him and blurt it all out right now, but I just couldn’t get myself to press the button. Instead, I dialed my brother’s number and couldn’t help feeling a bit of relief when the voicemail picked up.
“Hey Jayden, it’s me, I’m just calling to…Well, I don’t know. Just to talk I guess. I miss you and I hope Cara is doing well, and you better give my niece a big hug and kiss. Tell Lily that her Auntie Grey loves her and will see her soon.” Tears welled up in my eyes as I bit down onto my lip, holding onto my last shred of control. “But um, yeah, just give me a call whenever you can. If you want, I mean if you’re busy you don’t have to but uh…anyway. Love you, I’ll talk to you later.”
