by S. R. Watson
“Oh Yes. Grumpy about losing his independence, but he’s okay.” She looks over at Landon and smiles. “Baby, can you bring my bags to the room?” I cringe at her calling him baby.
“Sure. And then I have to head to practice. I’m already late, but I need to get at least a couple hours in,” he mumbles.
“I would go with you, but I’m completely wiped out. I didn’t get much sleep last night because I was too excited to see you,” she giggles. Ugh. Landon finally looks at me and his eyes are so apologetic.
“It’s okay. You stay here and get a nap,” he replies. Peyton and I exchange knowing looks. I’m still optimistic that he hasn’t lost his nerve. He is just waiting for the right time. I bet he didn’t want to bombard her with bad news the minute she got home. I’m still trying to rationalize Landon’s stalling when Giselle drops a bomb. As soon as he is out the door, she turns to us—barely able to contain her excitement.
“Guess what I found out when I was gone,” she says bouncing up and down.
“What?” Peyton and I both answer in unison.
“I’m going to have a little Thor,” she beams. Peyton looks at me as the color drains from my face.
“You’re pregnant?” Peyton gnaws at her bottom lip.
“You’re a sharp one,” Giselle teases. “Yes. I’m pregnant. I took like three tests and they all came back positive. I’m probably about two months along.”
“Does Landon know yet?” I ask after I finally find my voice. My fists are balled between my knees. This is fucked up on a whole different level. I know Landon and he won’t leave her now that she’s pregnant.
“Yes. I told him on the way home. I think he is a bit nervous about being a father, but he’ll come around. He’ll make an excellent one. He wants me to make an appointment for the doctor.” I can’t breathe. My second chance with him is fading right in front of my face. I can’t compete with that. Does that mean he will marry her now? He’s a stand-up guy. He’s going to want to do the right thing. Oh God. This is why he couldn’t look at me.
“Congrats Giselle.” My smile is fake, but it’s better than showing the inner turmoil that I really feel. “I have a headache. I’m going to take something and go back to sleep.” Peyton looks at me with pity as I make my exit from the room. I get in my bed and silently cry until I have no tears left to shed. His scent still lingers on my sheets and pillows. He hasn’t even told me the news that I know is coming, but my heart is already broken.
Peyton brought me lunch earlier, but it is still sitting on my nightstand. I haven’t been out of this room all day and Landon hasn’t been in to check on me. I know he has to be back home by now. The sun has since set and I’m laying here in complete darkness. My door cracks open and I see Landon’s figure come in and he closes the door behind him. He turns the bedside lamp on and flinches at what he sees. I imagine I’m a sight to see. I’m sure my eyes are red and puffy.
“Are you okay Heaven? I’m sure you’ve heard the news by now.”
“Stating the obvious, huh? Does it look like I’m okay Landon?” I’m hurting and I just want him to go ahead and pull the knife out that is in my heart. Fucking put me down already.
“Baby, please don’t do this. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” He begins pacing and I know it’s coming.
“Just say it Landon. Tell me that you can’t leave her now.” Tears sting behind my eyes.
“It’s not that simple, but you’re right. I can’t stress her out with everything right now. Do you know how horrible I would feel if she miscarried. Like it or not, she is going to be the mother of my child. I need some time to process all of this.”
Tears escape and run down my cheeks. Landon walks toward me, but I put my hands up to stop him.
“Where is she now?” He looks so sad, but I don’t want his pity. I can’t blame him for putting the brakes on going forward with me, but it is crushing my fucking heart. This is karma tenfold for how I left him.
“In the shower—getting ready for dinner.” He runs a nervous hand through his hair. “Please come out and eat with us.”
“So you cooked? For her?” I choke on the last question because I’m afraid of the answer.
“It would have looked suspicious if I didn’t Heaven.”
“Well, I don’t fucking want it. You two enjoy.” He tries to reach for me again, but I back away.
“Don’t,” I say. “Just go please. I can’t do this right now. Besides, I’m sure you wouldn’t want her to find you in here.” My words are tough, but inside I’m crumbling. His eyes water as he walks backwards out of the room. I turn the bedside light off and bury myself under the cover. Peyton comes by maybe an hour later, but I refuse to come out. I told her to tell Giselle I had a migraine and needed to be in a dark, quiet place. I hope this is enough to get her to stay away. I think I would break down if she came in here to talk to me. To think that this was supposed to be her right now is just another example of karma putting the smack down on my ass. Am I destined to live a life of hurt and loss? I shed more tears that I thought were done until sleep helps me escape my misery.
A soft knock on my door stirs me from my sleep. I have no idea what time it is since I have the blackout drapes pulled closed. The door creaks open and Peyton comes in with oatmeal, coffee, and Tylenol. She doesn’t mention the uneaten food that is still on my nightstand. I sit up and take the oatmeal while she puts the coffee down. She leaves and comes back with a small cup of water to take the pills.
“The Tylenol is for the headache I bet you really do have now from a night of crying,” she offers. Peyton is so perceptive and in tune to my feelings.
“Thank you Peyton. Was Giselle suspicious of my disappearing act after her news?” After I take the pills, I start on my oatmeal. My stomach welcomes the warm goodness.
“No. I told her that you hadn’t been feeling well since the weekend. She left with Landon to go to practice. She normally works out with him as a second work out for him. She is insistent on maintaining some type of fitness. I don’t think Landon will let her do much.” Peyton watches as my face falls and realizes that maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned that extra info.
“It’s okay Peyton. I know what you’re thinking and you don’t have to walk on eggshells around me or wonder what not to say. It’s just going to take some time. I have so many questions for him, but right now I just need to process all of this.”
“You don’t have to go through this alone. You remember what I told you. I won’t lie. Things will be awkward. The guys came over this morning and were puzzled about Giselle’s elated mood. When she told them the news, you could see the understanding cross their faces.” I finish my oatmeal and grab some yoga clothes before taking my shower. It’s safe to leave my room while they’re out.
“Thank you for everything Peyton. I mean it. I’m going to go shower and then come back in get back into bed. I think I may work on some writing that I’m thinking of pursuing. I’ll adjust. I always do. I’m getting pretty good at having shit crush me. My bounce back ratio is increasing, I think.”
“Ah Nevaeh. That’s horrible.” She walks over and hugs me, but I make the hug brief. I can’t do pity. She releases me and stares sympathetically as I leave the room. She knows when to give me space. As I walk down the hall, memories of the rose petals that led to the bathroom come to mind. What if that was our last chance to be together like that? I don’t want to even think about it. Somehow I don’t think things will ever be the same. It’s ironic that both glimpses I’ve had of true happiness have been with Landon. And both times, that happiness was gone in an instant. My gut says fight for him. Fight for our love. My rational side thinks I should not interfere with him being a father.
I rationalize internally that he doesn’t need to be with Giselle to be a good father. If we love each other, then he should be with me. Guilt should not be the reason that he stays with her unless he has had a change of heart. What if learning that she is carry his baby, unleashed deeper
feelings for her. My mind is struggling to put all of this in perspective. All of the ‘what ifs’ are driving me insane. I need more time to talk with him than just the few minutes he had to spare while Giselle was in the shower. I know I pushed him away when he came to talk to me, but I wasn’t ready to face the truth of our predicament. I go through the motions of showering; unsuccessfully forgetting about last night and our fuckfest we had in the tub. The decision has been made. I’m going to fight for us. He needs to tell Giselle the truth and let the cards fall where they may.
“What are you cooking?” Peyton asks as she comes out of her room. She leans against the counter and smiles. I’m sure she is just happy to see that I’ve come out of hiding. I did write some today, but then decided I needed to be proactive in getting my man.
“Spaghetti,” I grin. “And I have a cake in the oven. It will be a German chocolate one.” Peyton studies me curiously.
“WHAT’S UP WITH THE one eighty? What are you up to?” I told you she knew me well.
“Nothing. I just thought I’d make Landon’s favorite food and dessert since he cooked that nice meal for me the other night.” Peyton shakes her head. “What?” I ask innocently.
“You know what. You’re waging a war against Giselle that she doesn’t even know she is a part of. You and Landon need to talk to her and soon.” I add mushrooms and sausage to the spaghetti before commenting.
“I agree. I will talk to Landon and convince him that this is best. He’s worried about stressing her to the point that she may miscarry.” Peyton walks over and looks into the pot. She grabs a fork for a taste, but I push her hand away. “You have to wait, greedy.” She pouts, but drops the fork on the counter.
“I don’t think that is likely. Giselle is pretty strong. Her heart may be broken, but it will be better than finding out later on. I’m happy that you decided to fight for your man, just let your opponent know,” she jokes.
“Get out of here. I’m trying to cook. Go put your feet up and I will let you know when dinner is ready.” She is right, of course. Landon and Giselle have been gone all day. I don’t want to think about the time she is spending with him. One thing is for certain, I can’t go another day without making my feelings known. Either he is with me and is willing to fight for us or he needs to let me go.
Landon and Giselle arrive just before eight. Giselle immediately comes into the kitchen to give me a hug. “I’m so glad to see you’re feeling better.” I feel so fake, returning her embrace. She looks into the pot and a smile brightens her face. “Ooh spaghetti. Baby she is cooking your favorite. And is that a German chocolate cake?” she asks gesturing toward the cake I have now frosted and put to the side.
“Yes,” I answer sweetly. Landon mumbles about going take a shower, but she laces her fingers with his and pulls him into the kitchen.
“Baby, come take a look at how good this spaghetti looks first. And before you say it, you are due for a cheat meal. You can allow yourself this one indulgence. Nevaeh has cooked both of your favorites. Beside you can be a little fluffy with me.” He looks so uncomfortable with us both in the same room. Giselle stands on her tiptoes and brings his face to meet hers before she sears his lips with a kiss. I can’t look away. It’s like watching a fucking train wreck. His eyes find mine and remorse reflects back at me. Rage builds within me. Why is he not putting a stop to this? Is keeping her from getting hurt more important than my feelings now? Peyton joins us in the kitchen and witnesses the awkward scene and gives me a sympathetic glance. I’m finally able to look away.
I grab a wine glass out of the cabinet and pour myself some of the wine I had set out to go with the meal.
Giselle finally pulls away and he just stands there, looking down. “I’ll eat some after I shower,” he agrees.
“Go shower baby. I’ll wait for you.” Landon turns on his heel and leaves the room and I just want to smack him. My heart beats achingly against my chest, but I can’t let Giselle see how much her interaction with Landon is affecting me. I think Peyton had it wrong. The war is being waged against me and I’m the fucking opponent in this scenario. Knowingly or not, Giselle has just threw down the gauntlet—drew the fucking line in the sand. My conversation with Landon will happen tonight.
“I think that I’m going to miss alcohol the most,” Giselle says as she rubs her nonexistent belly bump. “Oh well. It will be worth it to be a mommy.” She is glowing with pride.
“What did your mom say? What about school?” Peyton prods. She walks over next to me and pours herself a glass of wine.
“Mother wasn’t too happy at first, but toward the end, she warmed up to the idea. She is happy about being a grandmother. I don’t plan on stopping with school. I will attend up to my delivery date. After I told her that, I think that helped to ease her mind.”
“Yeah, but how realistic is that?” I chime in. Okay, maybe that was rude. She doesn’t seem fazed though.
“I’m sure I’ll have my off days and the nausea may kick my ass, but Landon has already vowed to help me keep pushing forward. Oh God. He has already started talking about vitamins and me eating even healthier. He wouldn’t even let me lift today.” She blows a breath out in mock exasperation. How considerate of him. “So, I’ve been dying to ask. Did you seal the deal with Gavin or are you still hanging on to that v-card?” she asks.
“I’m no longer a v-card holder and I’ll just leave it that,” I smile. “It’s kind of private.” I’m proud that I was able to dodge that bullet without lying to her face, but Landon is going to need to man the fuck up.
“Sure,” she nods understandingly. I tune her out when she starts talking to Peyton about their fundraiser details and how everything was coming along. I finish dinner and bring everything to the table. Landon appears from around the corner and our eyes meet. He mouths that he wants to talk later and I roll my eyes. Although, I agree, I want him to visibly see my frustration with him since I can’t tell him right now. He heads toward me, but Giselle comes out of the kitchen with Peyton. We all sit around the table and a wave of déjà vu grips me. It’s amazing how quickly things change.
“So what do you all think of the spaghetti? Not too spicy? I know it doesn’t hold a candle to the gourmet meals Landon makes,” I chide to break the silence. Giselle gives me a questioning look that I can’t decipher.
“Why do you call him Landon? Nobody actually calls him that,” Giselle accuses. Peyton swallows the lump in her throat and tries to change the subject.
“This is delicious Nevaeh. It’s just right—not too spicy. Don’t you think so Thor?” He smiles and nods with his mouth full.
“Absolutely,” he agrees between bites. Giselle is still giving me the ‘resting bitch’ face. She has not been distracted from her original question.
“Thanks guys. Giselle, I guess I’m just not good with nicknames. Peyton once asked me to call her Pey and well you see how that turned out.”
“Well he doesn’t like the name Landon, he never has. I don’t even call him that because I respect his wishes. He identified more with Thor so maybe you could try a little harder.” She stares at me intently, waiting for my reply.
“Giselle that may be a little harsh. I’m sure Nevaeh didn’t mean anything by it. I prefer Thor because of what it means and how I earned the name, but Landon is my given name,” he points out.
“Are you giving her permission to call you Landon?” she huffs.
“Woah. It’s no big deal. Thor it is. Sorry for the slip,” I say as I push away from the table. I just lost my appetite. “Enjoy the food.” I take my plate to the kitchen and rake the remainder of my food in the trash. I can hear Peyton and Landon telling Giselle that she needs to apologize.
I don’t give her a chance. I grab my keys and slide on my flip flops before I leave the apartment. I make sure to slam the door. Why in the fuck does she call him Thor? That is so impersonal. I hear our apartment door open and Peyton call after me, but I keep going. It is all too much. I feel like I’m on the ve
rge of insanity. I don’t know where I’m going until I find myself at the pool. I open the gate and take a seat in one of the chaise lounges. Maybe I can spend the night out here. The weather is pleasant enough. I can stare off at the stars until I fall asleep. I close my eyes and will the tears not to break free. A tap on my shoulder interrupts my solitude. It’s Landon. His eyes are low as he takes a seat next to me on the chaise.
“I’m so sorry for all of that. Giselle is hormonal right now,” He begins.
“Really? Is that what the fuck you come out here to tell me—to defend her?” I can’t believe this shit.
“Not at all. I’m not defending her actions. I told her she was wrong. I came to find you because we need to talk about us.”
“What fucking ‘us’ Landon? The idea of ‘us’ ended the moment you found out your girlfriend was carrying your child.” I turn away from him, but he won’t let me hide. He grabs my chin and turns me to face him.
“I agree that Giselle’s pregnancy complicates things, but my feelings for you haven’t changed. I need some time to figure out how to handle telling her at this stage of her pregnancy. I don’t want to upset her.” He releases my chin and runs a hand through his hair.
“So it’s okay to upset me? Is that it? My feelings are no longer your concern?” A stubborn tear escapes down my cheek. He wipes it away tenderly with his thumb.
“That is not fair Heaven. I’m in love with you—of course your feelings are my concern. I just don’t know what to do here, so you tell me. Tell me what you would do in my shoes? I’m just trying to be the stand up guy my parents raised me to be without losing the love of my life.” I can see the sincerity in his eyes. I don’t know how to answer that. This whole situation is beyond fucked up, but would I do anything differently if I was him? He has to tell her, but how? When? If I’m honest with myself, I allowed this to happen. I freaking destroyed his heart and then left him. I couldn’t expect that he wouldn’t move on. I came back into his life about two months too late. I can’t fault him for something that had already occurred before me, nor can I fault him for working through a solution. I will give him some time, but not an eternity.
