Mission Earth 09: Villainy Victorious
By L. Ron Hubbard
Scanned and pre-proofed by BW-SciFi
Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer
This bizarre, fallacious tale has not been made any more palatable by the introduction of a different narrator.
Nor has the narrative pined any credibility by its claims that events in our 110-planet confederacy were caused by a stupid, nonexistent race of people from a planet that sounds more like a lunatic asylum than anything else.
The position of the Crown is firmer than ever.
The planet Earth does not exist!
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian Translator's Preface
Hi there!
This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine. How are you?
Lord Invay may not take kindly to having a new narrator but it's sure easier for me. Monte Pennwell speaks only Voltarian. I'm programmed for any language, but there does seem to be a scarcity of information on the languages they speak on this nonexistent Earth.
I have updated your Key to this book and it follows.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Key to VILLAINY VICTORIOUS
Afyon-City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.
Agnes, Miss-Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information-The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals. Their symbol is an inverted paddle which, because it looks like a bottle, earned its members the name "drunks."
Balmor-Butler to Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak on Earth.
Bang-Bang-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Babe Corleone mob.
Barben, I. G.-Pharmaceutical company controlled by Delbert John Rockecenter.
Bawtch-Soltan Gris's chief clerk on Voltar.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist that Sol-tan Gris brought to Earth to operate a hospital in Afyon. (See Cellology.)
Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as Earth. It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito.
Blixo-Apparatus freighter, piloted by Captain Bolz, that makes regular runs between Earth and Voltar. The voyage takes about six weeks each way.
Bluebottles-Nickname given to the Domestic Police of Voltar.
Blueflash-A bright blue flash of light used to produce unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.
Bolz-See Blixo.
Bury-Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney. His favorite pastime is feeding white mice to snakes.
Caucalsia, Prince-According to a folk legend, he fled Manco during the Great Rebellion and set up a colony on Blito-P3 that became known as Atlantis.
Cellology-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break-Violation of the Space Code that prohibits disclosing that one is an alien. Penalty is death to the offender(s) and any native(s) so alerted.
Coordinated Information Apparatus-See Apparatus.
Corleone-A Mafia family headed by Babe, a former Roxy chorus girl and widow of "Holy Joe."
Crobe, Doctor-Apparatus cellologist who worked in Spiteos. He delights in making human freaks.
Drunks-See Apparatus.
Endow, Lord-Head of the Exterior Division.
Epstein, Izzy-Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations.
Exterior Division-That part of the Voltarian government that reportedly contained the Apparatus.
Faht Bey-Turkish name of the commander of the secret Apparatus base in Afyon, Turkey.
Faustino "The Noose" Narcotici-Head of a Mafia family that is the underworld outlet for drugs from I. G. Barben.
F.F.B.O.-Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising/public relations firm on Earth. J. Walter Madison works for them.
Fleet-The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
G.C.-See Grand Council
Gracious Palms-The elegant whorehouse where Jettero Heller resided when first in New York City. It is, across from the United Nations and is operated by the Corleone family.
Grafferty, "Bulldog"-A crooked New York City police inspector.
Grand Council-The governing body of Voltar, which ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.
Gris, Soltan-Apparatus officer placed in charge of Blito-P3 (Earth) section and an enemy of Jettero Heller.
Heller, Hightee-The most beautiful and popular entertainer in the Voltar Confederacy. She is also Jettero's sister.
Heller, Jettero-Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent with Gris on Mission Earth where he is operating under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.
Hisst, Lombar-Head of the Apparatus; his plan to overthrow the Voltar Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
"Holy Joe"-See Corleone.
Hot Jolt-A popular Voltarian drink.
Invasion Timetable-A schedule of galactic conquest.
The plans and budget of every section of Voltar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Joy, Miss-See Countess Krak.
Krak, Countess-Condemned murderess, former prisoner of Spiteos, a nonperson and the sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On Earth, she is known as Heavenly Joy Krackle or "Miss Joy."
Madison, J. Walter-Fired from F.F.B.O. when his style of public relations caused the president of Patagonia to commit suicide, he was rehired by Bury to immortalize Jettero Heller in the media. He is also known as "J. Warbler Madman."
Manco-Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.
Maysabongo-Jettero Heller was made a representative of this small African nation. Izzy Epstein made some of Heller's businesses Maysabongo corporations.
Mister Calico-A calico cat that was trained by the Countess Krak.
Mortiiy, Prince-Leader of a rebel group on the planet Calabar.
Mudur Zengin-Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan Gris's funds.
Odur-See Oh Dear.
Oh Dear-Nickname for Odur. With Too-Too, forced by Soltan Gris to get information on Voltar and courier it to him on Earth.
Peace, Miss-Secretary to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Pokantickle-The New York estate of Delbert John Rockecenter.
Rockecenter, Delbert John-Native of Earth who controls the planet's fuel, finance, governments and drugs.
Simmons, Miss-An antinuclear fanatic.
Snelz-Platoon commander at Spiteos who befriended Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak when they were prisoners there.
Spiteos-On Voltar, the secret fortress prison of the Apparatus.
Swindle and Crouch-Law firm representing Delbert John Rockecenter.
Tayl, Widow-Nymphomaniac on Voltar.
Teenie-Earth teen-ager who kept seducing Soltan Gris. He shipped her to Voltar to get rid of her.
Too-Too-Nickname for Twolah. He and Oh Dear were forced by Soltan Gris to get inform
ation on Voltar and courier it secretly back to him on Earth.
Twoey-Nickname given to Delbert John Rockecenter II. Twolah-See Too-Too.
Utanc-A belly dancer that Gris bought to be his concubine slave.
Voltar-Home planet and seat of the 110-world confederacy that was established over 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the Emperor through the Grand Council in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Wister, Jerome Terrance-Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
PART SEVENTY-ONE
TO: BIOGRAPHICS PUBLISHING COMPANY COMMERCIAL CITY PLANET VOLTAR
GENTLEMEN!
I am thoroughly delighted with the agreements that we have reached. I can assure you that our names will be mutually and eternally emblazoned in history.
I could not believe that my government would ever lie to me. I had no idea that anyone would seek a "cover-up." That was why I was so shocked to discover that they have deleted, changed and destroyed records so that no one would learn the existence of this single planet called Earth.
Why would they want to deny the existence of a minor planet that is a mere 221/2 light-years away?
Ah, that's the story that I am so arduously and so faithfully writing!
So that you may better appreciate my achievement, I am sending what I have completed thus far and will continue to write. I mailed the first part to you earlier. Let me try to bring you up-to-date. This is no small task because the imagination is staggered by the sheer magnitude of the events. However, I shall seek to achieve this.
As I have discovered, Earth is controlled by the man who owns the planet's fuel-Delbert John Rockecenter. His power is such that he can determine the political future of a country simply by making a telephone call to one of his minions.
Voltarian Fleet officer Jettero Heller's mission was to de-pollute the planet and to create an inexpensive, safe source of energy so that Earth could survive long enough to be invaded.
When Heller arrived on Earth, he had the identity of Delbert John Rockecenter, Jr., which was given to him by the head of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Lombar Hisst. This was done because Hisst wanted the Fleet officer's mission to fail, and he thought this would bring the force of the Rockecenters down on Heller. The reason Hisst wanted the mission to fail was that he was using Earth to produce mind-altering drugs that were being smuggled back to Voltar as part of a conspiracy to overthrow the Empire.
What no one knew was that there was a real inheritor to the Rockecenter fortune-Delbert John Rockecenter II.
The first person who tried to stop Heller was Rockecenter's attorney Bury, who gave Heller the identity of Jerome Terrance Wister. It didn't stop him, however. Heller became a consul for the African nation of Maysabongo and began to form corporations that created and patented new energy sources-a revolutionary microwave power source, a new carburetor that didn't use gasoline and cars that worked without Rockecenter-controlled fuel. When petroleum stocks dropped out the bottom, Heller used his Maysabongo resources to buy them all up and to take control of Earth's oil industries.
But Rockecenter was no fool, and he had forces that Heller could not muster-the American presidency, for example, and the armed forces of the United States.
One Sunday afternoon Rockecenter was preparing to go to Philadelphia for a Swillerberger Conference that he controlled. The president of the United States was to be called before the conference that night and ordered to go before the Senate the next day to request that war be declared on Maysabongo.
Bang-Bang drove Heller and his financial advisor Izzy Epstein to the great Rockecenter estate, and Heller and Izzy walked in while Rockecenter was chastising Bury for the current predicament.
Heller made Rockecenter an offer: Call off the war, grant "Twoey" (Rockecenter's actual son) a ten-billion-dollar trust, draw up a new will leaving Twoey the entire estate, and Heller would give Rockecenter the patents and a portion of the oil empire that Heller now controlled.
With the smile of a snake, Rockecenter agreed and the documents were signed-then the snake struck!
When the brief scuffle was over, Rockecenter's attorney Bury lay unconscious on the floor and a weaponless Heller was surrounded by army troops.
Rockecenter scooped up the papers that now gave him complete control and put them into a huge steel suitcase. He turned to a major general whose squad had its weapons turned on Heller and Izzy.
"General," said Rockecenter, "hold this riffraff until I return. Then, as we will be at war, we'll have work for a firing squad."
What? Has Heller lost everything?
Fear not! I, Monte Pennwell, Voltar's first, only and greatest investigative reporter, have the story!
Chapter 1
Rockecenter grabbed his hat and picked up the heavy case. He stepped over to Bury behind the couch and gave him a kick. "Whether you're dead or not, your usefulness is ended. Now I'm off to Philadelphia to handle another one of your foul-ups."
Rockecenter went to the French doors, closed them behind him and shouted up the drive, "Bring my car and get a tank for protection!"
The general gave a signal. Two soldiers seized Izzy, pinning his arms back and looking around for something to tie him with.
Two more soldiers grabbed Twoey and after a brief struggle had him on the floor.
The general made a gesture toward Heller.
Rockecenter's car had arrived and Rockecenter went down the steps to it, but he stood there looking up the road.
The soldiers started to grab Heller's arms. "Oh, he didn't mean me!" said Heller. "I'm his son."
"What?" said the general.
"Yes, it's a fact," said Heller. "He just meant these two fellows here."
Both Izzy and Twoey looked at Heller, stunned.
The general stepped toward the French doors as though to go after Rockecenter and ask. But Rockecenter had now climbed into his car and it began to roll.
From where Heller stood he could see through the glass of the French doors that Rockecenter's car had pulled up again and stopped. He hoped the general would not see that.
"Well, see here," said the general, "I'll have to have proof, and more than some phony I.D.!"
"Ah," said Heller. "You just grab the phone on that desk and ask for Emergency FBI, Washington, D.C. You just ask for agents Stupewitz and Maulin."
Heller crossed his fingers. Those agents were the first ones he had had contact with on his original arrival in the United States last fall. He had never heard of them or from them since.
The general moved to the desk, his back to the door. If he turned around he would be able to see the limousine. It was waiting for a tank, apparently, for tank engines were roaring outside.
The general got his connection. He asked for agent Stupewitz or Maulin. He waited. Then he said, "Agent Stupewitz? This is General Flood, New York National Guard. We've got a fellow here that says he's Rockecenter's son.... Yes, I'll describe him. He's about six foot two, slender, blond hair, blue eyes, probably about eighteen...." He put his hand over the mouthpiece, "What is your name supposed to be?"
"Delbert John Rockecenter, Junior," said Jet. He could see the tank in place in front of the car. A sergeant was standing by the officer in the turret, pointing at a map.
The general said into the phone, "He says his name is Delbert John Rockecenter, Junior.... I'm calling from Pokantickle Hills, the Rockecenter home...."
He suddenly shoved the instrument at Heller. "He wants to talk to you to verify your voice."
Heller took the phone. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the tank and limousine. He wished they'd get moving. "Hello, Agent Stupewitz, sir," said Heller. "I just wanted to remind you that we never got a tombstone for Mary Schmeck."
"JUNIOR! Hey, Maulin, it's Junior! Grab the other phone!"
"Hello, Junior," said Maulin. "I'm glad you called. Did you know we never even heard from Bury!"
"Not a squeak!" said Stupewitz.
"How ho
rrible!" said Heller. "It's a good thing that you told me. I'm of age now and there's a lot of inheritance around...."
Both agents laughed agreeably.
"And I was just wondering the other day if I had any debts. By golly, I'm glad I contacted you. I am going to need a lot of help to straighten up my affairs. Would you consider a couple of six-figure jobs?"
Maulin said, "We can retire any minute, Junior. We're just waiting for the chance."
"You've got it," said Heller. "Do you want me to put this general back on?"
He handed the instrument to the general. He listened. His ears got bright pink. Then he looked at Heller and stood a little straighten He put the phone back on its cradle.
"I'm sorry," said the general. "I'm new at these family matters."
"All's fair in love and war," said Heller cryptically. Out of the corner of his eye he saw that the limousine and tank were gone. "Now, General, take that Bury there to your hospital tent and if he isn't dead, do a nice long operation. Plenty of anesthetic because he's sensitive. As for these other two, hold them very safe."
Izzy and Twoey looked at him with horror.
"Now, as you know," continued Heller, "there's lots of Maysabongo saboteurs about. So let me have a motorcycle so my driver can scout the road. And if there's nothing else, I'll go out to my car and try to catch up with Daddy."
"Very good, Lieutenant Rockecenter," said the general and barked an order to an aide who was hovering at the door.
Chapter 2
Heller raced out. There was no sign of the tank or limousine. He spotted the sergeant who had been showing the map to the officer in the tank turret.
"Sergeant," he called, and when the man came over and saluted, "It's very urgent that they take a safe route. I trust you gave them good advice."
"Oh, yes, sir," said the sergeant, digging out a map. "There's reports of Maysabongo partisans in New York. So they're going west over the Tappan Zee Bridge to the Jersey side and then south on Highland Avenue until it joins the Palisades Interstate Parkway along the Hudson. Before they hit the George Washington Bridge, they'll go west to Fort Lee and then hit the New Jersey Turnpike. They'll leave that at Exit 6 and switch over to U.S. 95 and wind up right at Independence Hall."
Mission Earth 09 - Villainy Victorious Page 1
