Holly slowly lowered herself next to Harry, trying not to panic about falling through the frail netting to the cold stone patio. Harry began stroking her hair, which had the initial effect of feeling lovely, until she realised that it was lovely because it reminded her of being touched. Of having someone. Of having a Lawrence. Her eyes began to well as she thought about ringing him.
‘Drink,’ Harry ordered, having spotted this. He held the bottle of wine out for her.
‘Thanks,’ she said through gulps. ‘Oh, Harold. This is all too much! I just still can’t decide what to do about “The Break”. I’ve even done a bloody pros and cons list!’ she said, looking down at her shoes.
‘You have not.’
She pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from her jeans pocket. ‘The trouble is, it all came out in equilibrium. So what am I meant to do? Roll a dice?’
‘What’s this point here?’ Harry said, pointing to one of the ‘Pros’. ‘“Job under serious threat – L is good with ideas!” Wait, you can’t stay with Lawrence because of that – that’s just using him! Plus, it’s horseshit!’
‘But I’m about to be fired, and there are bugger-all jobs out there!’
Harry rolled his eyes. ‘Putting the job thing aside, I think if you have to think about something THIS hard, then it can’t be right. Can it? Surely if you’re already at the pros and cons stage it’s as good as over? That must be what your gut’s telling you?’
‘I wish people would stop saying that! All my gut ever tells me is that I’m hungry.’
‘There’s Thai leftovers if you want some.’
Holly paused to consider the relative merits of prawn toast and Massaman. But then remembered the more pressing issue at hand.
Harry allowed a smile to seep out while Holly emptied her wine glass. ‘You either love him or you don’t.’
Holly looked down at her feet and was silent for a long time.
‘More wine?’ she asked, taking his glass.
‘You don’t, do you?’ Harry said, trying to catch her eye.
‘It’s good cheap plonk, this,’ she said, looking firmly at the wine and topping up his glass. ‘You can’t beat a BoozeNest special,’ she said as they heard the front door slam and footsteps scurry up the stairs.
‘You know what I think? We owe it to our future selves to find out if there’s someone else out there for us. Someone who can make us happier than we are right now. We owe it to ourselves to take the risk.’
Holly nodded, thinking through his words.
‘Hey!’ Bella said, running out to join them on the balcony. ‘How are my two favourite fuck-ups?’
‘Fucked, thanks. Wine?’ Holly waved the bottle in Bella’s face as she squeezed her bottom next to theirs on the hammock. The tightly wound mesh wobbled under the strain. There began a sound of tearing fabric. Holly jumped up.
‘OK, three’s a crowd as far as this hammock goes. I’ll leave you to it,’ she said, deciding this was a perfect excuse to go and investigate the leftover Thai food. Calorie consciousness could wait until this whole relationship business was resolved.
‘You know,’ Holly said as she came back out and sat on the mildewed dining chair, ‘sometimes, when I brush my teeth, I have this old tube of toothpaste that I never know when to give up on, and I’m, like, trying to squeeze the last bit out of it.’
‘Where are you going with this?’ Bella asked, and Harry ‘shushed’ her.
‘Bear with…’ she said, her mouth now full of curry and rice. After a few moments chewing, she went on. ‘Sometimes, I look down at the tail end of the tube, and I think, OK, that’s it now, after the next time there’ll be no more left; nothing to see here. But then… the next day, it’s looking up at me going, actually, there’s plenty more left if you just fold me down a bit differently, from the bottom; roll me up, give me a good squeeze. So I do, and then loads more paste comes out, just when I’m about to chuck it.’
‘Wow. I’m so glad we hang out,’ Bella said. ‘Dude. Let it go.’
‘But don’t you see?! It’s the perfect metaphor for Lawrence and me. Just when I think it’s ready for the bin, Lawrence will pull something cute out of the hat, like make me dinner, or turn up to an event on time, or when my heels were hurting me, he made me some emergency ballet pumps out of pita bread from a nearby kebab van. And then I’ll think, shit, there’s still a wee bit left in the old tube.’
Harry was shaking his head, while Bella now seemed to understand. ‘OK, I see what you mean.’
‘You always were a hoarder,’ Harry said.
‘You know what I think?’ Bella said.
‘No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway…’
‘I think you should bloody well finish it and stop talking about it, IT’S GETTING OLD! Holly, I love you, but GROW A PAIR!’
Holly began to sob. ‘You’re compassion personified. Thanks.’
‘Just giving you some tough love, my dear. It’s all become clear now. Harry’s right – you holding on to Lawrence is just another of your failures to declutter. What are you doing being an editor for a living, Hol, when you’re clearly so bad at it? For the love of God, your relationship has gone off! SHOW IT THE BIN!’
Holly stared at her in stunned silence. ‘I hate you,’ she said, downing her wine.
‘You know what you guys need?’ Bella said, smiling.
‘No.’
‘A synchronised dump. That’ll sort you right out.’
‘A what now?’ Holly said.
‘I’m serious. If you’re both going to ditch your carcasses of a relationship, then why not just coincide, do it in sync with another? You know what they say: “a break-up shared is a break-up halved”.’
‘A synchronised dump,’ Holly repeated in wonder.
‘Who on God’s good earth came up with that?’ Harry said.
‘Club Secretary. A.K.A. Olivia Mahoney QC. She would never admit it to your face, but she’s been getting really into all this club business. She’s gone full Nurse Ratched! More importantly though, she’s drafting up a written constitution for BUC Law as we speak. I think she can’t help it; it’s an occupational hazard.’
‘Serious? After she was in such denial about it before? Oh well, she always was a control freak at uni,’ Holly said.
‘Either way, I’ll bet she’d love a couple more guinea pigs to test the rules on…’
8. Don’t U… 4Get About Me
Holly sat in front of her laptop watching the pale blue logo bobbing up and down as it loaded. She attempted to practise the calming Ujjayi breath technique Bella had taught her recently. Breathe in and out slowly, feeling the throat constrict, and make a sound like the lapping waves of the ocean. Or something. She tried it a few times, began to feel light-headed and gave up.
It’s OK, she thought. On another side of London, one of your best friends is doing this too. Suffering in sync. A text came through which read ‘Good luck. No backing out now. See you on the other side.’
The clock struck twelve. She logged into her account. As the familiar beeps kicked in, she tried to focus on welcoming a large breath into her diaphragm. But her heart was pounding so much, and her eyelid was twitching about like a butterfly on crack, that any further attempts at attaining yogic calm were futile. ‘OK, let’s do this. Good luck xxxx,’ she texted back.
Her heart in her stomach, she watched as LawryHillUK lit up to green. Then she clicked on the telephone icon, and the familiar Skype ringtone started up.
Lawrence’s smiley, stubbly face appeared on screen. Right away she could tell that in Lawrence-land, nothing was wrong. This was going to be harder than she’d thought.
‘Hi!’ she said awkwardly.
But the sound didn’t seem to be working. So while she fiddled with her settings, Lawry leaned into the camera and blew tiny kisses to it.
L: Hi womble! he typed in.
H: Think there’s a problem at your end. Turn on your microphone? So, how’s it going out there? Have
you been signed yet?
‘Awesome!’ he shouted, the sound coming back on. ‘Not been signed yet. But I’ve been to some amazing parties and short films… And I’ve had an idea for what I want to write my next film about. Oh, and did I tell you I ran into that guy Max that I went to college with? He wants me to direct a film, I think I’ll do it even though it’s not paid… might be good for my reel… oh you’ll never guess what… I met someone called David Bland today. Seriously, that’s genuinely his name!! But the funny thing was, he was actually really interesting. I wondered if he has to overcompensate for his name by being extra charismatic?’
Holly nodded and watched his butterfly brain flapping from one thought to the next, closely followed by an image of herself as a gardener hacking through weeds, wanting to hack through the small talk and get to the real stuff.
‘You OK?’ he asked, his eyes at the bottom left corner of the screen.
‘Um, not really.’
‘Oh, is work still bad? Has Jez said any more about how long he can keep you on? Has he presented any of your ideas to the channel?
‘No. Just Pascal’s. But thanks for remembering. But anyway, there’s something I think we should talk about,’ she said, delivering line one of the script she’d written at last night’s emergency Break-up Club. She still couldn’t quite believe she was actually taking this thing seriously now, let alone referring to it by its silly name
But ever since she and Harry were kids, she’d always done whatever he did, like a sad little lamb following him round the playground. Today was no different.
As Holly opened her mouth to continue, she stopped, realising Lawrence wasn’t looking at her. He was staring down at the corner of the screen, adjusting his hair.
‘Lawry, are you even listening to me? Can you take your eyes off your own image please?!’
His eyes shifted to the centre. ‘Sorry.’
‘Listen. I’ve got something important to say…’ she started, but there was a break in connectivity.
‘Hi, can you hear me?’ he said.
‘Yes!’
‘I’ve been having a think while I’m out here,’ Lawrence said.
‘Really?’
‘Yep. Been thinking about us.’
‘You have?’
So maybe this was going to be a lot easier after all.
‘Yeah. I’ve really missed us. And I think that when I get back, we should move in together.’
After a few seconds, she switched into typing mode.
H: Sorry baby. I think there was a bit of distortion there. It sounded like you said ‘move in together’?
L: I did say that. I genuinely think it’s time. I don’t know why we’ve been putting it off so long!
Holly’s heart did tiny somersaults all the way down to her appendix.
H: Oh. Really. That wasn’t what I was going to say.
L: Holly Braithwaite… I think that… I could really be with you.
H: Oh, Lawry…
L: We’ve been together so many years now, and I know we have our issues, but I figure, if it’s not going to work then, at least if we try to live together, then we’ll know. And we’ll know we’ve given it our best shot then.
There was a really long pause while she took in what he was saying. It should have been so romantic. It should have made her jump for joy. But somehow he’d made it sound more like a laboratory experiment than a grand romantic gesture.
H: Wow, that’s really romantic. Ish.
‘So what were you going to say to me?’ he said, switching back to talking mode.
Holly was silent, frantically thinking… did this change anything? Should she abort her mission now? She turned the page over and scanned through her prompts, feeling like a call-centre worker whose customer had just said something that meant she’d have to veer ‘off-script’. She ploughed on, improvising as well as she could.
‘I was going to say that… shit… I don’t know how to say this now… it’s not even in the same postcode as what you were going to say.’
‘What is it?’ Lawrence asked, his face sinking.
‘Well. I think we…’ she paused, ‘I think that what we have has run its course.’
Lawrence’s face stared out at her from the screen, his eyes beginning to water in sync with Holly’s. At that exact moment, the kitchen door swung open to reveal Bella, who came marching in, kvetching about her conjoined-twin spots.
‘Hey Holly, how was your day? Look at the state of this one!’ she said, pointing to her face. ‘I’m going to have to have surgery – I need a new face. And I’ve even got one in my ear? What the feck is wrong with me?’ Bella positioned herself next to Holly on the screen. Then she peered into the webcam, apparently using it as a mirror to better illuminate the über-spot. ‘I mean, say you’re at a party or an audition with a munter like this on your face; do you think it’s best to just acknowledge it? Get it out in the open, rather than try and ignore it? What would you do?’
Holly glared at Bella. A beat later Bella noticed Lawrence’s deadpan face on the screen, and the tears forming in Holly’s eyes; then the penny farthing dropped.
‘Oh. Hi Lawrence,’ she said, waving at the webcam. ‘Shit, sorry. I’ll get out of your way. Um, have a fab time in Paris, Lawry. Sorry,’ she said, backing away.
Holly turned back to face Lawrence.
‘Shit, I’m so sorry about that. You know the only signal I can get in this godforsaken flat is here in the kitchen.’
‘What?’
‘I said the only signal in the house is in the kitchen.’
‘I can’t hear you. Hello? Hello?’
‘Hi! I can still hear you! Lawry!’
‘Hang on. I’m losing you. Hold on. What was that?’
‘Let’s hang up and try again,’ Holly said.
‘Oh fuck this. Let’s just forget the video and do messaging.’
Disconnected.
Call again?
She called LawryHillUK, her stomach now completely full of moths. Knowing what was coming, there was no backing out now.
H: OK. Let’s just do chat now.
L: :(
H: What the fuck? Don’t EMOTICON me!
L: Y?
H: Five years of building a meaningful connection with someone, and that’s what you’re giving me? A SAD FACE?
L: What do you want – a shitting sonnet?
H: Piss off.
‘Oh, I just love you,’ he said, suddenly reverting to voice call.
‘Ah I can’t keep up! Pick a mode and stay with it!’
‘Sorry. Look Holly, listen. I love you with all my heart. I want to grow old with you. I thought we were going to have kids together, live by the sea, eat fish and chips and push each other round on Zimmer frames…’
Holly was hit by a tidal wave of nausea as she tried to find what to say next.
H: But… you never once said any of that to me?
L: I know, but maybe I didn’t want to freak you out by saying it!
H: Oh Lawry, please don’t say things like this now; you’re breaking my heart!
L: No. You’re breaking mine.
Both were silent. The minutes moved past like stoned snails.
‘I miss your face,’ Lawrence said. ‘Your actual face. Not your avatar jpeg thing. Let’s try talk—’
The line crackled.
‘Lawrence, I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up…’ she said, the irony jabbing her in the stomach.
‘I said let’s try talking again.’
‘Or we could just quit while we’re ahead.’
‘Fine. I’ll call you tomorrow then, same time.’
‘No, Lawry. That wasn’t what I meant.’
Lawrence looked confused.
‘I meant – I don’t think it’s just Skype – I just don’t think it’s going to work.’
Lawrence stared out of the screen like a lost child watching his helium balloon float away.
‘Lawrence?’
Now his f
ace had frozen in a glazed expression, but it was hard to tell if it was the connection stalling or him. She looked back down at the prompt sheet on the table.
‘I’m sorry, Lawrence. But I have been feeling for ages that… that we’re not in it for the long-haul.’
Lawrence switched to typing.
L:#DidNotSeeThisComing …
‘Lawrence! Can we not do Twitter speak right now?!’
‘Sorry, I’m a twat. Carry on.’
‘Listen. I love you so, so much. I always will. But, I don’t think we’re right together. We don’t bring out the best in each other; if anything we do the opposite.’
For a full twenty minutes, they both stared at their screens and sobbed like children. They typed more messages to each other, then cried some more. All the while, Holly became aware of people preparing some kind of ritual behind her. Out of the corner of her eye she could just make out Bella, Harry and Olivia, padding about the room like those people dressed in black doing prop changes between theatre scenes.
‘Wait, this is too big… are we really doing this?’ Lawrence said as the truth slowly sank into his rugged features. ‘I feel dizzy. I don’t want to do this…’
‘But we know we have problems! Our issues aren’t going anywhere.’
‘We can work through them! Please, let’s give it another try.’
‘But that would feel like cheating – it’d be dishonest, don’t you think?’
‘Will we still be friends? Will we still do creative stuff together?’
‘Of course! I’d still love for us to make that short.’ But deep down she was already wondering when in the world that wouldn’t be too painful.
L: When will I see you again? When I get back from Paris?
Holly thought for a moment. She thought about what a mess Bella was after seeing Sam, and how much better Olivia’s break-up seemed to have gone in comparison.
H: No. I think it’s better if we make a clean break. No contact.
‘Shit. You’re serious?’ he said, switching back to video.
She started crying again, and nodded. ‘I’m sorry womble. I just know me, and I know I’m such a wuss that I’ll go back on this decision if I see you again. And this sounds like a massive cliché, but it’s the hardest decision I’ve ever made. Even now I want to change my mind.’
Break-Up Club Page 12
