‘No way!’ Holly said. ‘It’s like that bit in game shows when they go, “Here’s what you could’ve won!” before wheeling out the amazing prizes.’
‘Exactly,’ Olivia said. ‘After all that good work we put in.’
‘I KNOW! Tell me, why is it that we spend our lives educating guys, making them less emotionally bankrupt, sculpting them into functional adults, and then we never get to reap the fruits of our labour? Some other bitch is reaping them all around town. I know I sound like a bitter old cow and I should just be happy for him. But shoot me – I’m just not ready to do that yet. It’s so frickin’ unfair.’
‘It’s like when everyone’s been trying to get a jar of marmalade open and then the lucky bugger that does it last opens it, just like that, makes it look easy. When really we’d all loosened it up for them,’ Olivia said.
‘It’s just like that!’ Holly said.
‘Or…’ Harry said, reappearing with a box of wine and some Cornettos, ‘this might sound radical, but maybe it’s all just relationship politics – and maybe every one of them is shaping you up for the one you’re meant to be with? Think of it as a training course – the only trouble is, you don’t know how long it’s for. Or when you’ll eventually graduate.’
‘Mmm, maybe,’ Holly said, nodding slowly, biting into her ice cream. ‘How much do I owe you for this?’
Harry shrugged it off. ‘Think of it as my gift to the patient.’
‘Thank you! Although I don’t deserve it, after how I’ve behaved.’
‘Pish,’ Harry said by way of dismissal. ‘Anyway, I’ve been thinking.’ He began decanting Cabernet Sauvignon into plastic wine tumblers. ‘I think this is a very positive thing indeed.’
‘I wanted to get back together! This is positive how exactly?’
‘The way I see it, it’s like a rite of passage, this: finding out The Ex is engaged. Realising that yes, that’s what they are now. AN EX. Not someone you were road-testing as an ex, but actually, they are now someone in your PAST. On with the future!’ Harry said, raising his cup into a toast position, which the others clinked, by way of cheers.
‘The future!’ they shouted.
‘I know you can’t see this now, Hol, but it’s truly the best thing that could have happened. I firmly believe it will be the catalyst to your recovery.’
‘He’s right,’ Olivia said, holding onto her unwrapped Cornetto. ‘Think about it. Deep down in the innermost chasms of your pain, there must be a hint of relief that now you can see you’ve done the right thing? Because if he could find happiness that quickly with someone else, then he clearly wasn’t right for you. It goes to show you really didn’t bring out the best in each other. Whereas this Anna girl – maybe she just has the magic touch with him?’
‘I have to admit, there is some degree of logic to what you’re saying,’ Holly said. ‘It reminds me of that thing you said ages ago, that Lawrence and I weren’t lifers. We weren’t meant to push on to the next level; whereas him and this girl, they are.’
‘Exactly,’ Harry said. ‘You’d lived out your sentence.’
Holly smiled wistfully. ‘I’ve done my time! This means I’m now free from captivity! I’m free to roam!’ she said, laughing and taking a massive swig of wine.
‘Here’s to that!’ Olivia said, and they clinked cups again. ‘And to Holly. Who went MIAFIH today,’ Olivia said.
‘What’s that mean, Head of Pointless Acronyms?’ Harry asked.
‘Missing in Action, from Facebook-Induced Hysteria.’
‘I went full nut-nut, is what I did.’ Holly drank some more, then took out her mobile and scanned through the numbers. She found the entry ‘Don’t Answer’ and edited it to say, ‘What a Cock’. Not because it was grown-up or the right thing to do, but because it just made her feel better.
‘I think we have another big learning from today’s episode,’ Harry said. ‘I think we should all stop going on Facebook so much.’
‘I never thought I’d say this, but I think he’s on to something,’ Olivia said. ‘These days I can’t go on there without people waving twelve-week scans in my face, or worse, full-grown pictures of their drooling little sprog-monsters.’
‘I’d quite like a drooling little sprog-monster of my own one day…’ Holly said. ‘But OK, I’ll try to cut down. Anyway, enough of The Holly Show. What’s new with you guys?’
‘Well, in between our triathlon training… I’ve been on SoulMates,’ Olivia said, ‘and Harry’s been on Match.’
‘We’re both on Tinder too, obviously,’ Harry added. ‘We’re testing them all out for you!’
‘Thanks. Hey! Tell you what. If you meet someone nice, maybe you can just gateway me with one of their mates?’
‘That’s cheating, Hol!’ Olivia said. ‘You can’t online-date by proxy! We’re the ones putting in the hours!’
Holly stuck out her bottom lip in mock-sulk.
‘In other news, I am going to see Jonny after this,’ Olivia admitted quietly. ‘He’s still out of work, poor lamb.’
‘Well, of course he wants to see you now. Men are transparent like that,’ Holly said.
‘You may be right, but he really needs a friend.’
‘You do that… glutton for punishment,’ Harry said.
‘Are you sure this is a good idea, you going to see him, Liv?’ Holly asked, her face puckering with concern.
‘Red wine makes me randy, so…’ Olivia smiled. ‘Sorry. Look, in all seriousness. I know he’ll dick me about again but I figure I’m allowed one relapse credit, aren’t I?’
‘Yes you are. Redeemable later this evening. Just the once, mind,’ Holly said, grinning.
‘Thank you, my trusty buccaneers,’ Olivia said, refilling everyone’s drinks. ‘I’ll have one more for the road, then.’
‘Cheers,’ Holly said, raising her glass and suddenly feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. ‘Guys. I’m so sorry I took you for granted. I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably somewhere off Highgate Bridge by now.’
‘That’s not funny, Holly,’ Olivia said.
‘Sorry.’
‘You know what I heard the other day? They’ve made the fence higher on that bridge now, so it’s harder to commit suicide,’ Harry said, deadpan.
‘Thanks for the info, Harry,’ Holly said. ‘Good to know.’
‘Anytime,’ he said, swigging more wine and kissing her on the cheek. ‘Come on. Let’s go in.’
He began undoing his trousers, and Holly averted her eyes on reflex.
‘IN? In where?’ Olivia asked, her face creasing with worry.
‘The water! Come on!’ he said, taking off his sweater, goose pimples spreading over him like a rash while his knees began knocking.
‘But it’s almost winter, Harry. And there’s no way I’m getting my kit off here!’ Olivia said, tightening her coat around her.
‘If she can do it, why can’t we? Come on! We’re all free from our sentences!’
‘He’s right!’ Holly yelled, stripping off again down to her underwear. ‘We are freer right now than we may ever be in our lives! Let’s prove it! To ourselves, and to nature!’ she said, jogging up and down on the spot, shivering.
‘Oh, fuck it. All right then. I guess it’s training, isn’t it?’ Olivia started pulling off her jumper dress, her lips turning blue.
‘Wooooohoooooooo!’ Holly squealed, tearing off her clothes and feeling the Siberian wind sting her bare skin again. As Olivia slowly peeled her leggings off, Holly couldn’t help staring at her tiny shape. She tried to remember if Olivia had always been this skinny or whether it was all the training she and Harry had been doing.
‘You are remembering to carb-load, aren’t you—?’ Holly began, but it was too late – Harry had grabbed them both by the hand and was dragging them, screaming and giggling, into the water. Then they frolicked, splashed about like hedonistic mermaids for as long as they could before being asked to leave by the park warden.
La
ter, at 2.08 a.m., Harry, Holly and Bella all received an identical text message:
‘BUC Bulletin: I bring good tidings. We’re giving it a go. Just had sensational make-up sex, after which, in our orgasmic haze, Jonny declared that he wanted us to TRY! Not for a baby. But for an Open Relationship. It was the sweetest five little words I think I’ve ever heard. I think the Tin Man has found his heart. Thanks for bearing with, Liv xxx’
*
Jeremy.Philpott@TotesamazeProductions.com
Holly.Braithwaite@TotesamazeProductions.com
Subject: What the bollocking hell?
Miss Braithwaite,
1. What happened today? Were you so ill you couldn’t just come and sit in a dark room and press some buttons?
2. Yesterday’s pictures came out all squashed. You must have exported it at the wrong aspect ratio. The episode where Terri and Tarquin were showing each other their slash scars, in their very own ‘Bi-Polar-off’ – pure telly gold – all ruined! Luckily I sorted it before it went to air. Just.
3. Be great if you could sort your shit out, Braithwaite. This is now an official written warning.
Happiness?
Jez.
28. Mind the Gap
‘How can he be getting married before me?!!!!’ she wailed at 3 a.m. that night, into her mobile phone. She was well aware of what a godawful bore she was being but was unable to do anything to circumvent it. ‘It was my stupid idea to break up in the first place!’
‘It’s so obviously a rebound thing. Don’t worry about it Hol…’ whispered Olivia. Then, from two postcodes away, she proceeded to talk Holly down from the proverbial bridge.
After Holly had hung up forty-five minutes later, she heard a knock on her door.
‘Jesus Hol, I could hear you crying! Why didn’t you wake me up?!’ Harry said, packing up a sobbing Holly into his arms. ‘Come here,’ he said as hot tears slid down her cheeks into his hair.
‘I don’t know. I guess part of me still feels pretty awkward – you know – after what happened. I thought you might think I was trying to come on to you,’ she said, laughing.
‘Hol! That’s in the past. I’m over you! Seriously, you’re one of my best friends. If you’re upset, I want to know about it. Come on, let’s have some tea.’
So at three in the morning, they sat on the balcony in their pyjamas and slippers, sharing a pot of tea and smoking a spliff, setting the world to rights.
‘I’ve met someone, actually,’ Harry said suddenly, into the night sky.
‘Really? Who? Someone online?!’ Holly said, hoping her excitement was believable.
‘No, analogue. It’s this girl at work. Well, she doesn’t actually work with me, but she’s in one of the blocks in the agency opposite. It’s crazy, our offices are basically level with each other, and I can see into her room clearly!’
‘So wait… you’ve not so much met her as, you’re stalking her like a Peeping Tom?’
‘No. Well I’m convinced she’s staring back at me, so that makes it OK doesn’t it? I mean, I can even see what books she has on her shelves!’
‘Have you ever actually spoken to her?’
‘Not yet, no. But I’m pretty sure she’s my dream woman. I mean, I think I can just about make out a hardback of The Great Gatsby.’
‘Your favourite book; it must be love! So what’s she like besides that?’
‘Just breath-taking. She’s this vision, with fiery red hair… She’s basically like a smaller version of Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. That’s why I’ve taken to calling her Christina. I don’t actually know her name.’
‘God, you’re like Bella. Well. This all sounds promising,’ Holly said, relieved to hear that it actually sounded tenuous and unpromising. ‘So what do you intend to do about it?’
‘I don’t know. This week things progressed from me staring across at her, to her actually smiling back at me. I’m thinking the fact she didn’t scowl at me for being a pervert is a good sign? Then, after a bit she kind of did this Pantene advert thing, where she took her hair out of its sleek high ponytail and let it bounce around her shoulders for a whole minute afterwards. I know she was half mucking about, but still, it was a sight to behold.’
Harry looked skyward and smiled. Holly couldn’t tell if he was serious or stoned.
‘She’s clearly into you if she gave you the hair advert. I think you should put up a sign in your window saying “Pantene lady, fancy a pint?”’
‘She might not be able to read it though – what about just a picture of a pint or a wine glass?’
‘Yeah. It is an ad agency after all – you want to do something a bit smart, don’t you?’
‘I’ll think about it, but knowing me, she’ll actually have been flirting with the guy in the adjacent office.’
‘That is a very real possibility.’
Gradually, their discussion regressed to sillier things, and they decided it was imperative that they retreat indoors to eat cookies and watch The Magic Roundabout. Soon it was inexplicably 5.13 a.m., and they were giggling outlandishly at Harry’s Zebedee impression. Holly looked at Harry with utter love as he stuffed a cookie into her mouth. ‘Can you never not be in my life please?’
As Harry opened his mouth to reply, Daniel stomped up the stairs, flung open the kitchen door and then slammed it shut behind him, hard. He then repeated the open and shut motion, over and over, getting louder and more forceful each time.
‘Sorry Daniel,’ Holly said slowly.
‘Yeah man, we’re sorry if we were being loud.’
‘That’s OK!’ he spat. ‘MAN, I’m only doing complicated surgical procedures tomorrow, which may or may not save lives. It doesn’t matter if I get a good night’s sleep or not. You two stay up all night and dissect your tedious break-ups!’
In the background, Dylan and Zebedee were prancing about. Holly had to try and look away, to prevent the laughter that was creeping through.
‘Sorry Daniel,’ she said, aware how obnoxious they were being but unable to stem the giggles. Damn that skunk. ‘We’ll go to bed now.’
They sloped off downstairs. ‘Sorry Daniel. Really, we are,’ Harry said as Daniel slammed his bedroom door shut behind him.
As they reached the junction between their two rooms, Holly went to hug Harry goodnight.
‘You OK?’ he said. ‘Want me to sleep in your bed?’
‘Do you mind?’
‘’Course not. Just try and keep your hands off me, is all. I’m practically spoken for now, remember.’
‘Haha,’ she said as they climbed into bed.
‘It will happen for you Hol,’ he said as they lay next to each other on the pillows. ‘He is out there somewhere. But you need to work on you first. Maybe you need to stop moping, stop comfort eating, and look for another way to fill the hole.’
‘I know,’ she nodded, feeling embarrassed, and weirdly aware of her own – possibly much chunkier than before – body in front of him. She felt herself edge away and pull the covers up around her.
‘I know what will sort you out!’
‘What?’ she said, opening her eyes and daring to point them right at Harry, lying face to face with him on the pillows.
‘Natural endorphins.’
‘Oh?’ she said, butterflies stirring.
‘Come for a run with me in the morning.’
Oh.
‘Oh, no no no no no,’ she said in the manner of the Churchill dog in those annoying insurance ads. ‘The only running I do is for the bus.’
‘Well that’s all about to change. Seriously, training for this triathlon is helping me get over Rachel; I tell you, there’s nothing like running away from your problems!’ at which point he started giggling, clearly still stoned. ‘I’m dragging you on a run if it kills me,’ he said, poking her in the flabbiest folds of her belly. She quickly hoisted in her non-existent abdominal muscles.
‘Um, how do I put this? Me and running: we just don’t get on. If it’s all the same to y
ou, I’m booked in for a hangover tomorrow morning, and the only marathon I’ll be good for is EastEnders.’
‘OK. Don’t say I didn’t offer though. Night Hol. Sweet dreams,’ he said, almost thinking of a place to tell her to meet, but stopping himself and turning away.
‘Nighty night.’
And she lay there, staring at the strawberry-blonde hairs on his back, and worrying that maybe in some fucked up reverse-psychology way, she’d accidentally fallen in love with her best friend. Maybe it was just because he’d come to her rescue yet again, and she was growing more dependent on him. Or more likely, came another voice in her head, she wanted him because he’d just said he liked someone else. Textbook Holly. Same as wanting Lawrence back even though she’d sent him packing. Hi, have we met? The name’s Holly Groucho Marx. She lay awake pondering over this, overthinking everything, vowing never to get stoned again, until the sweet sound of the reversing vehicle kicked in.
29. Forrest Grump
‘Woah, there,’ Harry said the next morning, coming into the kitchen. ‘You all right, Grumplestiltskin?’
‘Yeah, fine. I was just making coffee, doing the washing up.’
‘Right; I could hear you banging cupboard doors all the way from downstairs!’
‘Sorry, I didn’t realise I was being noisy. But now you mention it, I am in a bad mood for some reason. I think I’ve entered a new phase all of a sudden. Anger!’
‘Oh well, that’ll make a nice change at least. Anyway I’m just off for a run. Sure you won’t escort me? It might help you calm down.’
Holly opened a bottle of milk and tentatively lowered her nose to it. Yuck, definitely off. Which meant she’d have to leave the house anyway.
‘OK, just a mini one. We can pick up some milk on the way back. Yeah, I’ll come for…’, and then, like she was trying on a foreign word, added, ‘…a… run.’ She laughed. ‘In the absence of a punchbag.’ She chucked the milk into the bin and went downstairs to change.
Break-Up Club Page 30
