“Alex, have you ever in your life intentionally hurt anyone, either physically or emotionally, just for the fun of it?”
“No.” He tried to ease away from her, but she held on tight.
“Considering the kind of work you do, that’s saying something, isn’t it?” She hesitated only a moment. Then, giving him no time to respond, she continued in a fiercer tone. “You’re one of the most decent, honorable men I’ve ever known, and nothing you can say will make me think otherwise.
“I’ve seen you with my brother. I’ve seen your genuine affection for him as well as your camaraderie. I know you offered to go after the man responsible for killing his first wife and child so he could stay with Laura and keep her safe. Offered even though you could hardly walk straight and probably wouldn’t have come back alive.
“And over the weekend, I saw you with Laura and Timmy and Andrew. They made you smile with honest, heartfelt joy. You were so gentle with them, so loving. And you held our godson with such reverence I wanted to weep.
“As for me, I can’t recall a time that you’ve ever treated me with anything less than kindness and consideration, even when I’ve behaved like a real brat. Granted, you broke my heart six years ago, but now I understand why. You weren’t being intentionally callous or cruel. In your own way of thinking, you were actually protecting me. Just as you’ve been trying to do tonight.
“But it wasn’t necessary then, and it isn’t necessary now. You are not damaged goods. You never have been. And you will never turn into your father. Believe me, Alex. If you can’t just yet, let me believe for both of us.”
Finally, she tilted her head up and met his gaze, her eyes shimmering with tears. And somewhere deep inside him, a tiny nudge of hope stirred in the darkest reaches of his soul.
“How can you be so sure?” he asked, almost afraid to let himself trust in her certainty.
“I don’t know.” She smiled impishly as a single tear trickled down her cheek. “But I am. Surer than I’ve ever been of anything in my life.”
He traced the track of her tear with a fingertip, his eyes searching hers.
“I’m making you cry again.”
“Only because you’re supposed to kiss me now, and you haven’t.”
“Ah, and if I do, no more tears?”
“No more tears.”
“I’m not certain I’ll be able to stop with one kiss.”
“Actually, that’s what I was hoping.” Her smile widening, she slid her other arm around him and moved against him provocatively.
He had never imagined she would respond to his revelation with such sympathy and understanding. He’d thought that she would run from him in horror. Instead she’d honored him with her unqualified trust. And now she stood willingly within the circle of his arms, her desire for him undiminished.
“Are you sure?” he asked, still hesitant.
He felt as if he’d been waiting for her all his life, and in a way, he supposed he had. Now he wanted nothing so much as to bind her to him in the most intimate way possible. But only if she wanted it, as well.
“Very, very sure.” Tangling her fingers in his curls, she pulled his head down and kissed him, her lips moving over his invitingly.
With a groan, he lifted her into his arms and strode toward one of the bedrooms as she clung to him, nuzzling his neck.
“You won’t stop this time, will you?” she asked, a pleading note in her voice. “I couldn’t bear it if you did.”
“Only if you ask me to.”
“I won’t,” she assured him, smiling up at him as he stood her beside the bed and switched on the lamp.
Moving away from her for a moment, he pulled his wallet from his back pocket, opened it, removed a couple of foil packets and tossed them on the nightstand. At the quizzical look in her eyes, he smoothed a hand over her hair.
“I haven’t been with anyone in a very long time. But old habits—especially those taught by your beloved brother—die hard.”
“I haven’t been with anyone, either.” She hesitated, a blush staining her cheeks, then added softly, “Not...ever.”
As he realized what she was saying, Alex went still, his eyes holding hers. That she hadn’t turned to someone else during all the years they’d been apart was more than he deserved. She was so basically good, so sweet and so damned innocent. No matter what she said, he knew he’d never be truly worthy of her love.
But she stood before him now, her arms wrapped around his waist, wanting him as he wanted her. As he’d always wanted her. And he was only human. One day soon she’d come to her senses. But tonight...tonight she would be his.
“Then I’ll take special care of you, love. Very special care,” he promised.
Drawing her into his arms, he kissed her deeply, using his tongue until she melted against him, kissing him back with equal fervor, her momentary shyness gone. Ever so gently, he caressed her, skimming his hands over her breasts, her back, then down over her hips and her belly, delving between her legs for only an instant. Then, trailing one slow, openmouthed kiss after another along her neck, across her shoulders and over the swell of her breasts, he undressed her.
With soft sighs and whispers of delight, she tugged at his T-shirt, fumbled with his belt buckle and tore at his zipper until it opened. Unabashedly, she slid her hands inside the waistband of his briefs and cupped the throbbing length of him in her palms.
Startled by her boldness, Alex caught his breath, then shifted his hips shamelessly, lifting himself into her hands more fully as a harsh moan escaped his lips.
Immediately, she pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “Did I hurt you?”
“Not at all,” he assured her.
Bringing her hands to his mouth, he pressed a kiss into each palm, then scooped her up and laid her on the bed. He shucked his clothes, stretched out beside her and drew her close.
She came to him eagerly, matching him kiss for kiss and caress for caress.
Wanting her first time to be as pleasurable for her as possible, Alex moved down her body, kissing her breasts and her belly. Finally, he put his mouth between her legs, using his lips, his teeth, his tongue until she writhed under his ministrations, hot and wet and ready.
Moving away from her just long enough to dispense with the condom, he settled himself between her thighs. Her eyes holding his, she reached for him, wrapping her arms and legs around him, urging him closer, then closer still.
“Please, Alex, now...” she whispered, arching up.
Unable to hold back, he entered her, breaking the fragile barrier of her innocence with one swift, sure stroke.
She uttered a soft cry and went still, her eyes widening with surprise. Nestled deep inside her, he smiled down at her, smoothing her damp hair away from her face, giving her time to adjust to his intimate invasion.
Slowly, she smiled back and began to relax. With a growl of masculine triumph, he teased at her ear with his tongue, then trailed a line of kisses along her jaw. At last, he took her mouth again as he began to thrust into her.
She moved with him, her body slick with sweat, her hands clutching his back, her legs wound around his waist. She whimpered, undulating against him frantically. Then, with another cry of surprise, she came apart in his arms.
Calling her name, Alex reared back, taking his pleasure in her pleasure and feeling, if only for a moment, as if he’d finally been redeemed.
Chapter 9
Lying on her side in the hotel bed, Kari stared into the darkness, listening to the steady beat of rain against the window. Curled around her protectively, Alex slept soundly, one hand loosely splayed across her belly.
She should have been able to sleep, too. With his body warm against hers and his slow, even breathing ruffling her hair, she was filled with a sense of contentment. Yet she couldn’t seem to stop her thoughts from spinning uncontrollably.
Their lovemaking had been so wonderfully right. As Alex had promised, he’d taken special care o
f her. Granted, there had been a moment of pain. But ultimately, his tender ministrations had bathed her in boundless ecstasy.
She had never felt quite as alive as she had coming apart in his arms. Nor had she ever felt as cherished as when he’d tended to her afterward.
He had held her close as she slowly regained her composure, then washed away the slight soreness between her legs with a warm washcloth. And finally, as if sensing how much she needed to have him near, he’d held her again, speaking softly, reassuringly, as he used his hands and his mouth on her with a gentleness that had stolen her breath away.
Within a very short time, he’d had her wanting again. Eschewing his own satisfaction rather than risk causing her more discomfort, he’d brought her to completion with his mouth. Her hands buried in his hair, she had held him to her shamelessly as she cried out his name.
Stunned by the response he’d so artfully evoked from her, she’d drifted on a haze of sensation for what seemed like a very long time. But then, having finally gathered her wits about her again, she’d turned to him, intent on reciprocating in kind, despite his protests.
Aware that words alone weren’t enough to convince him yet, she’d shown him as best she could—with her limited experience—just how much she loved him, savoring the taste and texture of him until he could no longer hold back.
His breathing labored, he’d hauled her into his arms again. And in the instant before he’d claimed her mouth in a deep, drugging kiss, she had thought she’d seen tears shimmering in his eyes.
When he’d finally raised his head, he’d turned her so that she lay against him, back to front. Then he’d reached up and switched off the lamp. She’d murmured his name questioningly and asked if he was all right. His voice husky, he’d teased her about that being his line. She’d persisted, but to no avail. He’d simply nuzzled her neck and told her, rather firmly, to go to sleep.
She’d tried. Really, she had. And she was still trying. But she had too much on her mind.
As she remembered all that Alex had told her about his childhood, her heart ached for the tormented boy he had been as well as for the cold, distant man he’d forced himself to become. And as she’d told him, she understood, at last, why he had walked out on her, even though she couldn’t agree with his reasoning.
She had meant it when she’d said she believed he was a decent and honorable man. Meant it with all her heart. She had enough faith in him for the both of them.
Still, she knew better than to think she had convinced him completely.
Because he had wanted her as much as she had wanted him, and because he’d also been off balance, she’d been able to lure him into making love to her. But the years he’d spent believing he had the potential to become cruel and abusive—years he’d also spent thinking of himself as “damaged goods”—couldn’t be wiped away within a few hours or even a few days.
Sooner or later, she was afraid, he would begin to doubt himself once more. If she wasn’t there to ease his fears, he could very well take off again, and she might never find a way to coax him to come back to her.
As long as he thought that Brandon posed a threat to her, Kari knew he wouldn’t leave her. But after that...
Would he just disappear? Working for McConnell, he could do that quite easily. And even if Devlin were able to help her find him, he wouldn’t.
Not that it would do her any good to track Alex down. She could force herself on him for only so long. Unless he was eventually able to trust in his own basic goodness, he would never be truly happy with her. As if he were living under a cloud of impending doom, he would constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that waiting would drive him away from her, if not physically, then emotionally.
Having him shut her out that way would be more difficult to bear than never seeing him again. Especially knowing, as she now did, that he loved her enough to set aside his own wants and needs rather than risk hurting her.
The mere thought of losing him sent of wave of desolation rolling over her. Still, she would prefer to let him go than make him miserable. But not without a fight.
Alex had sworn he would look after her until Brandon was behind bars, and Kari had every intention of using the time that would take to her advantage. They would be together for at least a week, maybe two. And maybe, with a little luck, she might find a way to make him see himself as she did.
Her weariness getting the better of her, Kari finally slept, only to awaken several hours later alone in the bed. In a mild state of panic, she sat up and called Alex’s name, afraid that he’d left her even sooner than she’d anticipated.
But then, as the dregs of sleep cleared away, she realized that along with the falling rain she could also hear the shower running in the bathroom. With a sigh of relief, she scrambled out of bed and went to join him.
Though she took him by surprise, he welcomed her with open arms, easing her fear that he’d already begun to have second thoughts. After much teasing and tormenting with soapy hands, they ended up back in bed, where Alex made incredibly slow, devastatingly sweet love to her.
Momentarily sated, they slept again for about an hour, then awakened hungry for each other all over again. Unfortunately, their growling stomachs testified to their need for another kind of sustenance, as well.
Kari would have gladly gone without food rather than chance breaking the wondrous spell that seemed to have settled over them. As long as they were alone together, living in the moment, she knew she could hold at bay any lingering doubts he might have. But once they rejoined the real world, once he had time to think again and reconsider, the possibility that he would retreat from her as he had in the past increased dramatically.
Of course, she had known that moment would inevitably come. But she had hoped to postpone it for at least a little while longer.
Alex, however, appeared to have other ideas. With reluctance he got up, gathered his clothes off the floor and began to dress. Feeling contrary, she refused to budge, until he reminded her they’d used the last of his condoms. Grudgingly, she finally agreed to his suggestion that they go down to the coffee shop for a late breakfast. But only when he also promised to stop at the hotel gift shop to buy more supplies.
According to their waitress, the rain had already let up to the north and west of the city, while clearing skies by late afternoon were in the forecast for San Antonio itself.
“So, I guess that means we’ll be going back to your place after we eat,” Kari said, glumly cradling her mug of coffee in her hands.
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t seem to dispel the nagging feeling that Alex wasn’t truly at ease with the sudden change in their relationship. His lovemaking had left no doubt in her mind that he both wanted her and needed her. But for all the pleasure he had given her and taken for himself, she still sensed a certain holding back in him. As if he wasn’t quite sure yet that what he was doing was right.
The long drive to his ranch would give him the perfect opportunity to start distancing himself from her. And once they were back at his house, he’d be reminded of the solitary life he’d chosen to live. Chosen for what he’d always believed were very good reasons.
“You don’t sound very happy about it.”
She shrugged noncommittally, unwilling to voice her concerns.
“I thought you liked it there.”
“I did.”
“But?” he prodded.
“I like being here with you, too. The way we were last night,” she admitted.
“So do I.” Smiling, he reached across the table and clasped her hand in his. “But we can be together that way there, too.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
He squeezed her hand reassuringly, then let her go as their waitress appeared with the eggs, pancakes, sausage and hash browns they’d ordered.
Feeling foolish for having tied herself into knots over nothing, Kari dug into her food. Unless she stopped replaying worst-case scenarios in
her head, her greatest fear was going to be realized. She had to trust Alex—really, truly trust him—not just say that she did. Otherwise she’d never be able to banish whatever doubts about himself he might continue to have.
“Before we got sidetracked last night, you said that Fairchild finally agreed to cooperate with Wyatt, didn’t you?” Alex asked as he poured maple syrup over his pancakes, picking up where last night’s conversation had left off.
“Yes, I did.”
“How does Wyatt plan to proceed?”
In between bites of her breakfast, Kari told Alex about Kevin’s proposed plan of action, mentioning his visit to the stable that day as well as her own scheduled return the next. Alex listened attentively, his expression revealing little of what he was thinking.
“Have you confirmed that there’s a flight coming in from Virginia tomorrow evening, just in case Selby is suspicious enough to check it out?” he asked when she’d finished.
“There is. It’s due at six-thirty. Kevin is also having my name added to the manifest as an added precaution.”
Alex nodded, obviously satisfied, then signaled to their waitress for more coffee. She refilled their mugs, collected their empty plates and set their bill on the table.
“I’m supposed to call Brandon and let him know when to expect me,” she continued when they were alone again. “I thought I’d wait until about three o’clock. He has a lesson then, so I won’t have to talk to him. I can just leave a message for him on his answering machine.”
Sitting back in his chair, Alex regarded her steadily, a frown creasing his forehead. “You really are afraid of him, aren’t you?”
She considered denying it outright, but she knew he’d see right through her.
“Sometimes he makes me uneasy,” she conceded.
“Are you absolutely sure you want to go back there?”
“As long as you’ll be nearby.”
“I will be,” he vowed. “Within shouting distance, twenty-four hours a day until Selby is behind bars.”
Knowing she could count on him to keep his word, Kari nodded gratefully. Then, giving in to her curiosity, she asked, “What did you do yesterday?”
The Lady And Alex Payton Page 16
