My voice hitched through a sob. “Then my world fell apart. It was right before final exams sophomore year. We were supposed to meet in the library, but he never showed. When I went to his dorm, police officers were there, and I knew.” The ache in my chest intensified. “One of Robert’s roommates looked at me with red-rimmed eyes and gave me the news that Robert was killed in a car accident. Someone ran a red light and hit the driver’s side of Robert’s car. According to the police report, he died on impact.”
Tears were now freely flowing down all of our faces. “When I went to the funeral, I never thought it could get worse until I saw his poor mother. She fell to her knees in front of his casket and wailed. I’d never experienced such raw pain in my entire life. Until I woke up the next morning and realized it wasn’t a nightmare but reality.
“Each day that I walked around campus I would look for him, refusing to believe that he was gone. From then on, so was my heart. That’s why I can’t have feelings for someone. I’ll never survive that type of agony again.”
The four of us sat in silence for several minutes. My friends cried for me, and I cried for Robert and what could have been.
“So, now you know why. I’m not the commitment-phobe I had you all believe, and it’s not that I want to be alone… but all I can offer and accept are casual relationships. What I had going with Kyle was perfect until he started plaguing my thoughts when we weren’t together. And then we had such a great time in California, until he tried to force me to feel our connection, by saying things he shouldn’t have.”
“Does he love you?” Cassie, our hopeless romantic, asked.
“It doesn’t matter. No one knows better than I do that you can lose everything at a drop of a dime. All the dreams I shared with Robert, the places we wanted to travel to, marriage, kids, vanished the day he died. And I can’t even get my life together to do all those things to honor our plans. I’m stuck in every way a person can be.”
Brae came over and sat on my other side. “V, maybe Kyle is meant to be the one to finally push you along. Don’t you think Robert would want this for you?”
I couldn’t speak as I continued to cry. Brae’s arms came around me, and before I knew it Cassie and Des were doing the same. Our group hug was filled with tears that substituted so many of my unspoken words.
Chapter 23
Kyle
When Luca called and said to meet him and Jude at the gym, I jumped at the opportunity for a distraction. It’d been a while since the three of us hung out. Funny thing with guys, it didn’t matter how long since we saw each other, we always fell right back in sync.
After almost an hour, the ball-busting between Jude and Luca, the sound of cast iron hitting against the weight stack on various machines, and the burning in my muscles did nothing to clear my head. Normally, going to the gym would settle my mind. But today with each rep, I’d see Vanessa’s face and hear that damn word, “space.”
All night long I thought about our phone call. I knew women were confusing creatures, but Vanessa took the cake in that department. How everything got so fucked up in a short amount of time was beyond me. The woman I met several months ago wasn’t the same woman who I spoke to last night.
It was all so messed up and most definitely validated the argument that love truly did suck.
Jude and I switched places, putting me behind the weight bench to spot him. The man was the happiest he’d ever been, and I was jealous. He and Brae made it look so damn easy. I knew it wasn’t, especially when they had just met. Jude admitted Brae could barely stand being in the same room with him, never mind sharing the same bed when they were forced to live as a couple. That thought gave me hope Vanessa and I were ahead of the game—A, we weren’t forced to be together, and B, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. That had to mean something, right?
The positive vanished once I remembered being accused of suffocating her, and all my hope flew out the window with it.
Then there was my friend, Luca, who I was equally jealous of. He seemed perfectly content with his life, lifting his free weights without a care in the world. No woman to drive him nuts, like my woman. Pfft, my woman. What the fuck?
I knew enough about the opposite sex to know her behavior wasn’t normal. The irony that she needed space was most definitely something I could relate to. I’d been there.
“So, the little woman let you out today?” Luca said with a smirk. “Where’s your leash, Soren, in your locker?”
“Fuck you, asshole.” Luca let out a grunt-filled laugh as Jude nodded with a shit-eating grin on his face. “You’re just jealous of my life.”
“You’re onto me, Soren.” The look of complete sincerity on Luca’s face lasted about three seconds before he cracked up.
“Fuck you,” Jude repeated. After a few more sets, with the bar still lying across his chest, he announced, “Okay, I’m done.”
“Done? It’s been barely an hour. When was the last time you worked out?”
While lying on his back, Jude twisted his head to look at Luca. “With my wife this morning. And I’d still be working out with her, and not you two idiots, if she didn’t have to run to Vanessa’s for some kind of pow-wow.”
No doubt discussing me.
“Not true. I asked you here before Brae and the girls decided to go to Vanessa’s.”
Jude sat up after I helped him set the bar back on the rack. “How the fuck do you know that?”
“Cassie told me.” Luca shrugged and continued his reps.
“Cassie? Are you and Cass…”
“No!” Luca immediately ended Jude’s sentence. “We’re friends. She’s cool and easy to talk to. We talk about you guys all the time, especially Cleary.”
I barely listened when they both focused on me. “No snide comment? Are you okay, man?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You’re not your sarcastic self.”
“I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Was California not what you hoped it’d be?” Jude stared me down while wiping his neck with a hand towel. “Did my office staff accommodate you to your liking?”
“Yeah, they were great. I hired Bailey, so success all around.” Part of me was just about to blurt out every other damn detail of my trip. Instead, I paused, debating if I should go down that road. Then I considered what he had going with Brae, and that pang of envy again hit me square in the chest.
In spite of Jude’s manwhore history, he had to be doing something right. In fact, if someone like him could go from zero to sixty in the relationship department, maybe he could share the knowledge? So—I went for it. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Depends on the question,” Jude said with a shrug. “I don’t kiss and tell.” When I sat on an adjacent bench with a heavy sigh, he frowned. “Jesus. Again, no comeback?”
Luca froze mid-lift, picking up on Jude’s vibe. “What’s wrong, Cleary? Did you knock someone up?”
“No, I didn’t knock someone up.” Although the thought did opposite what it should have. I turned my attention back to Jude. “With Brae, did you just… know?”
“Know? What, that I couldn’t live without her?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck, no. She hated me, and because of it I enjoyed busting her chops. Our relationship was a slow build.” He looked at me like I had three heads. “Wait, why?”
“This is gonna be good.” Luca dropped his weights into their holders, and then sat on the floor between us. The ass looked like all he needed was popcorn for this drama.
“Okay, there’s something I haven’t told you guys. Vanessa and I have been…”
“Fucking,” they both blurted out at the same time.
“Tell us something we don’t know,” Jude added. “You must think we’re idiots.”
“We’re not just fucking, not anymore at least. She was with me in California. We had a great time until the last day. Once we got home we fought.”
Luca raised a finger and announced, “
Ah. That explains your mood on Saturday night, and hers. What did you fight about?”
“Um… we kind of started this whole thing as nothing more than just fuck buddies. But I…” The words stuck in my throat like a glob of peanut butter. Fuck, why was this so hard? Maybe because by saying it out loud it made it more real, more official. I didn’t care what these clowns thought of me. But admitting it to them, and then having to admit that we were already through before we started, wasn’t appealing.
“Dude, you look like you’re about to be sick.” My eyes cut to Luca’s again. “Spit it out.”
“I think I fell in love with her.” Instantly, their eyes widened at my admission.
“Fuck. Seriously? Does she know?” Luca couldn’t hide the shock in his voice.
“She does now.” Two guys came by yapping about the ass on some woman using the elliptical. Once they were out of earshot, I continued. “She didn’t take it so well.” At their confused expressions, I added, “She wants space. Do I give it to her? If I cared, which I do, shouldn’t I walk away? I just want her to be happy. I’d like it to be with me, but if not, then so be it.”
Truth was, my heart wasn’t on board with the second part of my statement. That’s how I knew this wasn’t just lust, sex, or a passionate affair. My heart never piped in its opinion before now, and it was hard to tell it to shut up.
When I glanced at Luca, it was obvious he was clearly out of his element. “Don’t look at me.” He raised a palm and motioned to Jude. “He’s the one that found love.”
“It’s not like panhandling for gold, Benedetto.” Jude sighed impatiently. If I didn’t feel like shit, I’d laugh over the fact that suddenly the man, who wanted nothing to do with finding love, was now the guru among us regarding soul mates. “There’s no warning. And once it hits you, there’s no turning back. If you think you’ve fallen, you already have. Love is black and white, you are or you’re not. I learned that the hard way. And if you believe you have fallen for her, then dude, you fight for her. It’s as simple as that.”
“It really isn’t as simple as that. The woman is anti-relationships. I have no idea why, and when we started this fucked up arrangement I was no different. Who had time for that? As it turns out, I was right. I haven’t been able to think of a damn thing other than her since getting home.”
“Been there,” Jude again offered his two cents. “Regardless, if she is someone you can’t imagine living without, you chase her—end of story.”
Being out of the lab for a week meant my Monday was crazy busy. Now that we hired Bailey, we fired on all cylinders to get paperwork signed, photoshoots rescheduled, Paris plans confirmed, and lawyers brought up to speed.
It wasn’t until two p.m. when I had five minutes to breathe. I walked into my office to shove a sandwich down my throat, and without warning I pictured Vanessa spread across my desk. Surprisingly, I hadn’t thought about her all day, but now that I had there was no turning the visuals off. One by one they popped into my head—how I took her in the barn, my office, on her bed, at the ice skating rink, and even in California—over and over I remembered every damn time we were together and ached for her.
After working out with the guys the day before, I spent a good part of my evening trying to analyze why she had such a hold on me. Sure, she was gorgeous… so what? I had plenty of beautiful women before her. Her personality was definitely part of the attraction, but there was something else that pulled me in. It felt like I had a fishhook firmly stuck in my chest and she controlled the reel.
I hadn’t spoken to her since Saturday, not that I expected to. Today would be her first day in the office after being off last week, and if I remembered correctly her boss was back tomorrow.
Arguing I wanted to be sure she was okay, I picked up my cell and held it in my hand. I meant it when I admitted to Jude I just wanted her to be happy, and if that meant respecting her wishes then that’s what I’d have to do. On that same note, I knew how miserable she was at work. I had the ability to change that.
Having her working for me could be, by far, the stupidest thing I’d ever do. Every day, being near her, while not being with her, was asking for a fuck-ton of trouble. Before I could change my mind, I opened my contacts and tapped her name. Apparently, I was a glutton for punishment.
She picked up on the third ring. “Hi,” she said hesitantly.
“Hi. How’s your day?”
“Awful.”
“I figured as much. The asshole comes back tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I feel sick.” In those few words I could hear her anguish. “It was so nice having him gone, and being out of here last week is just making me feel worse.” She only allowed a moment to pass before she quickly added, “That came out wrong. I meant, it was such a great trip, it’s hard to be back to reality.”
“I know what you meant.” It was time for me to pause, but mine was a hell of a lot longer than hers. “Um… listen. My offer to come work for me still stands, Nessa. I wanted to let you know that. Being that we’re no longer… well, the conflict of interest is gone. If you didn’t feel comfortable reporting to me, you can work for Frederick. He’s been bothering me for an apprentice for months now to lessen his workload. The position would be a great way for you to get your footing.” The silence over the phone was so deafening, I pulled it away to be sure the call hadn’t failed. “You still there?” I asked, even knowing she was.
“Yes. Kyle, that’s an amazing offer. And a few months ago I would have jumped on it, but now I think it would be too weird. I know I’ll regret that decision someday.”
“Just take time to think about it. You may change your mind.” When she didn’t respond, I prompted, “Okay?”
“Okay.” The ringing of a phone caused her to say, “Sorry. I have to go. Take care.”
“Yeah, you, too.”
A solid knock on the glass door of my office caught my attention. Frederick stood holding a box full of samples. “Sorry to interrupt your lunch, but you’re needed on five.”
“I’ll be right there.” I balled up the wax paper containing three quarters of my sandwich and dumped it into the trash. Snatching my phone, I halted from shoving it into my pocket and instead punched out a quick text.
Me: Please think about it.
No reply came, but I really didn’t expect one either.
Chapter 24
Vanessa
I shouldn’t have been surprised that the last few days had been pure hell. Whenever my asshole boss came back from a trip, he was the devil incarnate. Add to the mix the fact I lied about having the flu last week while in California, and his behavior made Lucifer seem like a saint.
For a good part of his first morning back, he berated me on all the things he expected done that weren’t. In my defense, even if I hadn’t gone to California, there would be no way I could have made a dent in his to-do list.
The part that had surprised me these past few days was my constant state of depression. It lingered after I left the office, and through the night, until I started the pattern all over again the next day. A few months ago, as miserable as I’d been at work, I could always count on leaving it all in the office the minute I walked out. Sure, I’d joke, bitch, and moan to my friends over and over how much I hated my job. But being out with them was an instant elixir for my ire. Even if I just hung out in my apartment, no matter what I did after work it never failed to lighten my mood.
My methods were no longer working. I suspected it had to do with a sexy Canadian.
The girls were sure to check in on me frequently. By Wednesday, it became obvious they must have concocted some sort of schedule. The morning call came from Brae as she made her way to work. Cassie always checked in during her recess period. And Des had the honors in the evening as she finally dragged her ass home from work.
I really couldn’t blame them for their concern, having dropped such an emotional bomb on them as I had. Although I appreciated their support, the whole thing exhausted me. My mind
wouldn’t shut down between all the memories with Robert fighting for space with the ones I had shared with Kyle. Remembering how we started the weekend of Brae and Jude’s wedding brought a smile to my face. The ache of wanting to go back to that time, when it had been so easy and carefree between us, overrode the joy.
Every night I stayed up later than I should have. In my subconscious, I stretched out the inevitable. Going to bed to do it all over again the next day forced a dread to consume me.
Normally, on a Wednesday night, I’d be celebrating Hump Day at happy hour. Comically, while in my pajamas at seven p.m., I settled in to begin watching a Friends marathon that would go on for hours, and during which I couldn’t promise I’d remember what episodes aired.
When my cell rang, I was so engrossed in my own thoughts, I startled from the sound. “Hey, Brae. What’s up? It’s not your scheduled time to check in on the wacko once known as Vanessa Monroe. Des’s obligatory call is due next.”
A short pause led to a giggle. “Okay, so you’re on to us. We’re just worried about you, V.”
“I know. I’m teasing, and I love that you guys worry about me. I’m fine, though. Really. I’ll find another job soon.” Even as I said the words, I knew, and I knew she knew, my mood wasn’t all about my job.
“You’re lying,” she responded predictably. “Really nothing has changed at work. Let’s not kid ourselves, V. It’s okay to admit you miss him. What’s not okay is sitting at home day after day denying that you do. You haven’t been out all week.”
“Neither have you,” I interrupted.
“My reasons are way different than yours.” This was true. Her hot Swede liked her home as much as she’d allow. The fact that Brae actually obeyed meant she was equally addicted to Jude as he was to her. “So, here’s the deal. Friday night, Jude is getting the boot. It’s time for one of our all-night-girls-only-get-togethers. The works.”
The Mr. Wrong Series Page 48
