Dedication
To Robert Wimmer
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Author’s Note
Translator’s Note
Prologue
Zero Gravity: 1942
First Month: 1960
Second Month: 1963
Third Month
Fourth Month: 1965
Fifth Month: 1969
Sixth Month
Seventh Month
Eighth Month: 1978–1999
Ninth Month: 1999–2011
Delivery: 2011–2014
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
Author’s Note
I am a granddaughter of the Spanish Civil War, a member of a very long-lived family. As a baby, I was rocked to sleep by two great-grandparents, and I have been able to have mature conversations with two great-grandparents and all four grandparents. From such direct and vivid testimonies, I understand to some degree the fear of losing one’s life, the tragedy of killing a brother, the hunger and the chaos that follow a bombing. One of my earliest memories is an image: in Toledo, when it rained, red rivers flowed down the paved slopes, the rain mixing with the blood of neighbors, the baker, the teacher, who from one day to the next went from being friendly when they met one another on the street to being mixed in the flow of the same water pouring downhill. For me there was no Snow White, no Little Red Riding Hood—the stories my great-grandmothers told me were their own dramas: their husbands were soldiers who got drunk to ease the weight of their consciences; their children lay in the common graves of Spain without names on their tombstones.
When I think of the circumstances that make up this prehistory of mine, I consider the fact that I’m here right now, writing this note, to be a miracle. That all of my great-grandparents fought and survived the war in the most troubled areas of Spain, that of all the children they lost, none of them were the grandparents who had to survive to make me possible, is enough for me to confirm that my existence was improbable. And yet here I am, not only born but also having written this novel that has so much to do with the longevity of my elders. Although The Story of H confronts war, it moves away from the war in Spain in part as a result of that collective consciousness my grandparents gave me: I’m not just me, but the memory of all those who survived to make my birth possible. I therefore consider that writing about a war that wasn’t of my land, my blood, my flesh, is to accept that every war is everyone’s war.
If a girl in Hiroshima on August 6, 1945, hadn’t managed to survive the postatomic radiation after the explosion reduced a large part of her school to ashes, along with her teachers and classmates, I might never have become a writer, since I began to approach writing by the hand of one of the bomb’s descendants: a Japanese professor who, like me, like anyone, is a product of the miracle of surviving all of our wars.
It was that professor, a professor of art history at the Sophia University in Tokyo, who made the kintsugi technique my philosophy of life through writing. Just as pieces of broken pottery can be put back together by covering their cracks with a varnish of gold dust, so could I both in my day-to-day life and in what I write try to protect the historical and aesthetic value of scars. When I see a wound, I admire it because there, and not in our unbroken flesh, do I find the nature of being human: its vulnerability, but also the enormous energy that it requires to pick up our pieces from the ground, reunite them, and be born again. We are born as many times as we are capable of recovering. Only the belly button is a scar that proves that a woman gave birth to us. All other scars show that we are the ones who, so many other times, had to give birth to ourselves. We are all mothers when we fall, the mother who gives birth to us in each of those golden cracks that unite the mud that forms us but that has broken so many times, to be put together again, perhaps with a function more suitable to our own being, according to those desires that we weren’t able to fulfill before our fall.
My relationship with Japan is also a consequence of history: my family, on my father’s side, comes from Coria del Río, a town in Seville where Japón is a common last name, ever since the samurai Hasekura Tsunenaga was chosen in the seventeenth century to lead a diplomatic mission to the then-powerful Spain, which reached through the Guadalquivir River. A drop of that blood must remain in my family, and in myself, since I have felt a very special attraction to that country for as long as I can remember, an attraction not due to an interest in a culture that, in theory, is exotic for a Westerner. As a child, my family used to remind me that my ancestors came from Japan, and the attraction that I have always felt toward the country has been a literal, physical one, a kind of call that signifies, more than a trip, a return. When I went to Japan for the first time, on my first trip, I felt exactly that: that this wasn’t my first trip, but instead was a return to a home of sorts. Later on I heard someone on TV from Coria del Río say that, unfortunately, his father had died with the sadness of not having been able to return to Japan . . . even though he had never set foot there. Maybe that’s why my look toward Japan can’t be one of exotic distance. When I was a child, my mother told me Japanese legends as she fed me, until I was old enough to discover for myself—with the help of Spring Snow and the great Yukio Mishima—that Japanese literature was the one that most corresponded to my transformation from adolescent to woman, with its eroticism of change. This novel also deals with eroticism—with bodies and transformations.
And so, finally, I want to mention that, in parallel to the evolution of her atomic wounds, the protagonist of this novel lives out a biological drama, a drama of a sexual nature that has enslaved her in her body from the day she was born, when her parents decided that her sexual organs—debated as being those of a male or female—should be, for the rest of her life, those of a man. And they were wrong. They were so wrong in determining the sex of their daughter that only an event with the forcefulness of an atomic bomb could allow her a sort of redemption, given the particular circumstances of her case. What chance was there for a victim of the nuclear attack to express that, of all her relatives and close friends, only the bomb was able to recognize her as the person she really was? It seems a paradox that the victim of a massacre unprecedented in history comes to be grateful for some of its consequences, considering them of greater benefit to her than what was granted by the peaceful society into which she was born, a peacefulness that silenced her more than the war. In that way, the paradox is just an appearance of one. This is a novel that underscores the reality that in all acts, even in the most terrible, you can find a residue of hope, the opportunity to build a second life amid the rubble of the last bombing.
I hope you enjoy reading my story, and I’m grateful in advance for life and for those readers who, I trust, know how to desire peace between the lines of battle and of light.
—Marina Perezagua
Translator’s Note
This novel, Marina Perezagua’s first after two highly acclaimed story collections, announced the emergence of an audacious and original new voice on the literary scene in Spain. The novel is an extension of one of the stories in her collection Leche, whose protagonist, Marina said, wouldn’t let her go. As you read The Story of H, you will doubtless come to appreciate the truth of that. H is precisely the type of character who finds a spot in the imagination and makes herself very comfortable. She’s willful, a survivor, coy and brash all at once, a seductress, and exasperating and compassionate and so full of love. She’s all in one. You can almost hear Nina Simone in the background—“Ain’t Got No . . .”—crooning in her gritty, complex voice how she ain’t got no schooling, no home, no perfume, no uncles, no aunts,
no love, not even a name. Then the song shifts and Nina chants, powerfully now, the “all” she does have—a body, a nose, her ears, her toes, her boobies, her sex. And finishes with “I’ve got my freedom. And I’ve got life . . . And I’m gonna keep it.” This is the song Marina Perezagua goes to when life becomes overwhelming. And in a way it is the soundtrack of this novel that narrates how, against all odds, an intersex child who survived the bombing of Hiroshima, who lost absolutely everything in that devastating detonation—family, home, even sex—finds, at great cost, meaningful love and a family. H abides, even without a name.
The Story of H is an outcry for love and compassion from the center of a profoundly disturbing sensorial world, a barbaric yawp straight from the lungs of a writer for whom imagination and water are inseparable. As a vehicle for metaphors, water is a shifting mirror. It’s the fons et origo that precedes all form. It’s present not only in Marina’s name and in the fluid, incantatory intensity of her prose but also in her free-diving record of lasting five minutes underwater. So saying there’s a breathless quality to this novel is fairly close to a literal description. It’s in the intensity of its conviction, its urgency, its fluid nature, and its constant transformation. While writing The Story of H, Marina trained in the Mediterranean every day and finally swam the Strait of Gibraltar. In four hours.
WATER SYMBOLIZES DEATH and rebirth, purification, eternal return, the ring. In The Story of H, structurally, Marina draws a magic circle, an ouroboros, a serpent biting its own tail. It’s an ancient symbol and archetype, the basic mandala of alchemy. It signifies the assimilation of the opposite, something that is constantly re-creating itself. The construction or creative impulse from destruction, the all in one, is like a school of fish or a conspiracy of ravens. And I write this hoping to persuade readers of the fact that, though Marina’s novel is powerfully creative, oceanic, and visionary in its gallery of images at once horrific and stunningly beautiful, it is not of the magical realist tradition. All that is written in Spanish and is not of a realist bent does not of magical realism come. Marina is first of all an art historian, schooled in the power of ekphrastic expression, how the written description of a visual work of art can become vivid and charged with energy. Time capturing space, describing it vividly, mapping it and bringing it to life, creating polarized opposites that spin and create a frame. She works, as Roberto Bolaño did, in reviving symbolist and surrealist techniques of pictorial imagery in the subtext of her work and in the juxtaposition of magnetic opposites like pain and pleasure or life out of death or salvation amid cruelty and corruption, empathy before a bloodthirsty world driven by violence and kitsch. “Perhaps universal history is the history of a few metaphors,” Borges wrote in the opening of his story “Pascal’s Sphere.” He closed the story with the same sentence, slightly altered: “Perhaps universal history is the history of various intonations of a few metaphors.” In between, he traced a metaphor to give a holistic idea of the universe as atom and globe, primordial form, whose center is everywhere and its circumference nowhere.
* * *
The epicenter of this novel is the sixth of August 1945, when we see the first atomic bomb, Little Boy, plunge from the Enola Gay straight at us there, sitting in class, with H, her schoolmates and teacher, and the hundreds of thousands of civilians in Hiroshima. An angel of death dangling above the city in the form of an American plane. But our H, an intersexual child whose parents choose to see her as a boy even though she identifies as a girl, survives, the only student left alive. “When I came to,” she relates, “the whole school had become a big playground, a playground without monkey bars, a gaping expanse open to a gaping city. [ . . . ] I watched a naked lump approach me in what had been the bathroom. It asked for water. I was frightened. Its head had swollen to three times the normal size. Only when the lump said her name did I realize it was my teacher. I ran away.”
Through H’s story, Marina individuates History back down to the level of the human, to the pathos, to what it means, the tremor in the collective unconscious at the sudden murder of tens of thousands of people. The heat of the human told with enough imagination to melt the freezing effects of quantification. A poetics of beauty even in horror. Through History and Science, The Story of H pins the narrative to a specific time and place, to reality, like a butterfly to a board. But the imagination is set free—it is revolutionary, boundless. The oneiric world tries to make sense of all that has happened, all that has been broken by violence and war. H confesses to a murder. And the question hovers: does a society that is capable of unleashing an atomic bomb have the moral grounds to judge a woman who has murdered to defend life?
H HAS NO OTHER NAME but this letter. In Spanish, the letter H is silent. In English, this voiceless glottal fricative, as the H sound is called in the parlance of phonetics, can be silent, but it can also be aspirated. These are the felicities of translation, when a detail like this can open a new level of meaning—in this case, the sound captured in a symbol that has been culturally determined over time and historical circumstances. We have hour and honest, which are words from the French and so are silent. There is messiah from the Hebrew, or rhapsody from the Greek, silent by derivation. Or shepherd or exhaust, silent by elision, which in linguistics means merging or shortening a sound. But other words from the French have slowly acquired in English an aspirated H, as in horrible, host, or human. And of course, Hiroshima. Thanks to some strange inner mathematics of sound over time, the aspirated H shows up again in these words. So, readers, our H and her story jump into the English-speaking world and your imaginations outfitted with additional metaphorical possibilities. An aspirated letter for a breathless novel. There’s H, who free-dives with the amas, the Japanese pearl divers whose tradition goes back thousands of years, and nearly succumbs to the narcotic effect of diving into the abyss, and there’s the author, who swims all the way across the Gibraltar while writing H’s story. H wanders the earth like an oni, a Japanese ghost born of destruction and sent into the world to take vengeance, like a gasp of noxious atomic wind sent whirling and churning across the planet, haunting and hunting what was taken from her—the future, the daughter, her love, her penis like a blind lizard stalking her in nightmares. But not her body: “I’ve got life, and nobody can take it away from me.”
H CAN BE SILENT, or H can be an aspiration. The constellation of words in my thesaurus tells me that aspiration is synonymous with desire. Hope. Longing, yearning, urge, wish. It even says fire in the belly and dream. Keep those correspondences in mind when you read the novel. These are the joys of translation: not what’s in a name or even in a word, but what’s in a sound or the lack of it, spinning like a needle in that tiny little letter in the center of a magical circle. You see? You haven’t even started reading yet, and already H is colonizing her space in your imagination.
THE GREAT SPANISH ART HISTORIAN and symbolist poet Juan Eduardo Cirlot, who was close to the surrealists, once wrote about an encounter with a woman in a letter to André Breton: “I am still spellbound by the moonlike pallor of her leg and her semitransparent silk stockings that allowed me to glimpse the features of her flesh and its delicate shadow of very fine down, like the seabed as seen through water, the algae and the urchins. I understood how this gray transparency, like a veil or misted glass, expressed the principle of true mystery, that it’s not a matter of seeing or not seeing, but of glimpsing.”
This novel is about the mystery of sexuality—its fluidity, identity, compulsion—an exploration of the dark, broken places where sexuality manifests itself and its capacity for healing, the body as the center of everything, since without the body, the soul cannot exist. Full of the tension of its juxtaposition of disturbing, sublime images, The Story of H pulls the reader into a maelstrom of passion, pain, and perseverance. Cirlot, in his Dictionary of Symbols, writes in the entry for scars: “The author once dreamed of an unknown damsel (anima) whose beautiful face was marked by scars and burns which in no way disfigured her features.” Th
ey didn’t take away from her attractiveness and perhaps even increased it. “Moral imperfections, and sufferings (are they one and the same?)[,] are, therefore, symbolized by the wounds and scars caused by fire and sword.” Ah, H.
BREATHLESS, FEROCIOUS, UNCONVENTIONAL, RAW, a primal scream from the depths of what is human, Marina Perezagua dives into the subconscious while her lungs compress to the size of raisins. Water is a conduit—our brains react and shift chemically when we are near water—and dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin levels rise, while the inducer of bad moods, cortisol, drops, in the same way as when we are reunited with someone we love after having been separated. Even the sound of water causes a chemical reaction in our brain. Ishmael knew that, of course, before there was scientific proof. And H, like Ishmael, launches on a quest to find the whiteness of the United Nations whale in the shadows of the Congo. If all voyages are a homecoming, then could it be that water made humans as a way to transport itself? Are we the damp, spore-like vessels colonizing the world for it? What if our brains react to the sound, the sight, of water because, on a molecular level, water is recognizing itself in us? With H, you are in for the plunge of your life.
Prologue
Sir:
The pages that follow constitute my declaration, which focuses primarily on the circumstances that led me to the crimes for which I will be judged, acts I do not regret.
This is not a confession. A confession is nothing but a weapon for people in power to coerce someone into betraying him- or herself. I won’t be the one to give my own self away. You’ll see that I’ve done everything possible to resist the powerful. If I was tarnished in any way, it’s never been in their defense.
Neither is this a justification.
What you are about to read is the mark of a firebrand on a mule’s rump, or a groove in a rock eroded by rain, or even a tree that’s been warped by strong winds. That’s right, what you are about to read is my story, the coherent reaction of a sensitive nature. A story penned by me, but set in motion by a fate that was woven on high.
The Story of H Page 1
