by F. C. Clark
‘What about me, Luke?’
He knows I am asking about the gun.
‘It has been taken care of,’ Scott says bluntly. ‘I need your clothes, Kate.’
‘Why?’ I look at Scott.
‘To get rid of any evidence.’
‘I don’t want to point out the obvious, Sutton, but you look like shit. If the police turn up here…’ Barney says.
Dr Jacob clears her throat. ‘Luke was mugged two nights ago. I have proof of that. He called my mobile asking for medical advice.’
‘Looks like you have it all sorted, Luke. You’ve thought of everything.’
‘Barney, you and Adam will need to stay at your house. Jerry and Rosie will also stay with you, and Max is on leave.’
‘What about the security guards? Where did they go? What happened to them? And what about your staff at SGI?’ I respond.
Luke takes a deep breath, looking frustrated. ‘I’ve dealt with it, Kate,’ he snaps.
‘What does that mean?’
His eyes meet mine; I see fire behind the glare.
‘Or is the truth ugly, Luke?’ I blurt.
‘It means I have dealt with it,’ he barks.
‘And Max, isn’t he the owner of the club?’ I ask.
‘What is your point, Kate?’ Luke looks at me.
‘My point, Luke, is if the police come looking for him and he has similar injuries to yours, what then?’ I shake my head. ‘The same alley two nights ago? That’s shitty luck.’
There is an awkward silence. First, I have a point, and second, my husband’s harsh tone towards me is obvious.
‘He’s a silent partner, as you know, Kate. He never visits the club, and you also know why. But your concern is noted.’
Screw you, Luke – make a note of that.
I push my chair back and stand. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then. Oh, and by the way, the door to your den is still open.’
Anger carries me up the stairs, where furious tears start to fall. I can’t hold them back any longer. Barney runs up the stairs after me.
‘Kate.’
‘Go with Adam. I need some time on my own,’ I say, but he follows me in to my bedroomm.
‘No, you need me.’ He folds me into his arms, which makes me cry harder.
‘Shhh – give him time.’
‘It’s not time he needs.’ I pull away. ‘You saw how he spoke to me! Why?’
‘I don’t know, but I’m not leaving you.’
‘Yes, you are,’ Luke says, silently entering our room.
‘No way, Sutton, look at the state of her.’
‘I’ll take care of her.’
‘Will you? How’s that, mate? You’ve been a prick to her since she rescued you. Get your head out of your arse.’ He takes a breath. ‘You haven’t even spoken to her properly.’
‘My patience is running thin, Barney, so tread carefully.’
‘Tread carefully?’ Barney laughs scornfully. ‘Someone needs to tell you when you’re acting like a fucking nutter – and I’m up for the job.’
Luke scowls. ‘I promise to take care of her. Please leave.’
Barney turns to me. ‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Go and help Adam. I’ll be fine.’
‘Are you sure?’
I nod.
‘OK.’ He turns to Luke. ‘I’m watching you. Don’t fuck with Kate.’
Luke holds his hands up. ‘You have my word.’
‘Good, don’t fucking let me down. I’ll call you later, babe.’
Barney leaves. I can’t bear the tension in the room. Luke closes the door.
‘Get it off your chest, Luke!’ I bark.
‘I’m fucking furious with you! What you did was—’
‘I saved your life!’
‘Are you looking for praise?’
‘You’re unbelievable, Luke. I put myself at risk to help you, and you’re acting like this?’
‘Yes, you put yourself at risk today. You were selfish – it wasn’t just yourself you were risking.’
‘Of course you would think I was bloody selfish.’
‘It was fucking irresponsible.’
‘So what should I have done? You got yourself kidnapped. Next time I won’t give a shit. Next time, I’ll stay home and make a bloody cake.’
‘Yes, you will.’
‘Oh my God, can you hear yourself? Do you think I would have stayed here and waited for you to arrive home in a body bag? If that’s what you thought, then you have married the wrong bloody woman.’
‘For Christ’s sake, Kate, you’re pregnant! Where were your thoughts for the babies?’
‘How dare you say that? I would die for them – and you.’
His expression hardens.
‘Just go and finish making up your cover story. Leave me to wonder what the hell I did wrong. I killed someone to save you, for fuck’s sake! You’re the person I can’t live without.’
‘I would have got the upper hand. I’d have been able to escape in the end.’
‘Really? From where I was standing, you were tied up like a fucking animal. I don’t see how you would have got the upper hand.’
‘Watch your fucking tone! Believe me, I’ve had worse done to me. Now I have to deal with you witnessing things you shouldn’t have to deal with.’
I laugh through my anger. ‘I killed someone, Luke, is that what you mean?’ I look at my hands: they knead dough, they cook – yet now they are scarred, tainted with evil.
There’s a sudden knock at the door.
‘What?’ Luke shouts.
‘You have ten minutes and then you need to face the music – the police are on the way.’
Scott has Luke’s back, that’s for sure.
‘I hear you.’ His dark eyes rest on mine. ‘I have to clean up.’ He points at me. ‘This discussion isn’t over. Take off your clothes now.’
Go and fuck yourself, Luke. Right here, right now, I despise him.
He goes into the bathroom. I strip naked, head towards our bed and collapse under the crisp white covers. My body feels empty; I have no more tears to cry. I lie silently and listen to him showering, then dressing. He appears at my side.
‘Do not leave this room. The police will be here soon asking questions, and I want you to be in bed, resting.’
Does he think I am going to answer him?
‘Do you understand, or shall I lock you in this room?’
I roll over and ignore him.
‘Good. Make sure you shower. Maybe you should use this time to think about the safety of our children.’
Oh my God. I want to scream at him. How dare he say that? I grab the pregnancy books from my nightstand. The instant he shuts the door, I hurl the books at the wall.
‘I hate you, Luke! Stay away from me, do you hear me?’ Of course he heard me. I suspect they heard me two miles away. I collapse on the bed and sob.
I lie on my side, staring at the sky, which has now turned dark, and lose track of time. Eventually I convince myself it would be a good idea to wash the day away, but as the water sluices over my numb body, the realisation of what I have done is too much. I sink to my knees and close my eyes.
‘Dear God, please forgive me. I know I don’t pray, and as of today I will go to hell, but thank you for keeping my miserable bastard husband alive. And I’m sorry for killing Anderson, even though I’m sure he would have killed Luke and Max.’ I never thought I would be able to kill someone.
I open my eyes and rest my head against the wall, wondering if my words are enough of an apology. Are there enough words to apologise properly? I will always have blood on my hands.
Eventually I dress in clean pyjamas and go back to bed, but my mind will not rest.
A knock at the door makes me jump
.
‘Kate, can I come in?’ I recognise James Sullivan’s voice.
I sit up. ‘Yeah.’
He opens the door.
‘Watch your step,’ I say, as he steps over the books I threw at my husband.
He walks in carrying two mugs. ‘Here,’ he says.
‘Thanks.’ I take a mug.
He hovers by the bed. ‘May I?’
‘Yeah – sit down.’ I pat the mattress.
‘It’s been a tough day.’
‘No shit,’ I say.
‘How are you feeling? The three of you?’
My hand glides across my bump. ‘The girls are fine, but I’m numb. Luke has lost the plot and is behaving like a bloody moron. Let’s not forget I killed Anderson, and hit another man over the head, so he’s probably dead too. Other than that, things are just peachy. What’s with Luke? Why’s he acting like this?’
‘He’s pissed off at us both.’
‘You had no choice. I was going in with or without your help.’
‘He knows that. Listen, I’m proud of you.’
‘For shooting someone?’ I shake my head.
‘No, not for shooting Anderson, but you kept cool. Not many people could have gone in there blind.’
‘I wish Luke would say that – I don’t mean for him to be proud, but for him to be thankful. But no, he told me I was selfish and I should have thought about our children!’
‘He’s in shock. He watched the men torture Max and—’
I shake my head. ‘Stop making excuses for him. I love him and he’s being an arse. I need him. If he left me—’
‘He would never leave you! You’re made for each other.’
I nod. ‘It kills me when he shuts me out. He turns into this cold-hearted person that I don’t know.’
‘And that’s where you need your strength. Just hang in there.’
‘Have the police been?’
‘Yes. They left a while ago. Luke had them eating out of the palm of his hand. He said he rarely visits the club, Max is just an investor, and the manager is in control. He told them he was mugged a few nights ago to explain the bruises on his face.’
‘And…’ I look at him. ‘Is he in the clear?’
‘The police seemed to think so. There’s no evidence to say otherwise. One mentioned the electrics…’
‘Can’t the police find explosives these days? I mean, how can Luke blame wiring when the explosion was in the other building?’
‘Trust me, he’ll have left no trace. Plus Parker and Sutton have been at home working and watching TV, while you, his pregnant wife, were resting in bed.’
‘Now I’m of use to him!’
‘One of the officers could relate; his wife is pregnant too.’
‘He played them.’
‘He’s a master at the game.’
‘Of course he is – tell me something he can’t do.’
‘Luke needs you, Kate.’
‘Then why is he hurting me?’
James takes a breath. ‘When you train for a mission, your mind is focused on the end result and the safety of your team. It’s your job to remain on the ball at all times. When you let your guard down, you make mistakes. I understand how he feels. If you were my wife and turned up in a situation like today… it makes a mission a hundred times worse when it’s someone you love.’
‘Then he should be relieved that we’re all safe, right?’
‘Of course, but it would have been a different story if you were caught, Kate. They would have hurt you to get at him. Luke would never come back from that. Plus you shot Anderson, which was another problem.’
‘Luke said he sorted it.’
‘No worries there – the gun is clean and the bullet was retrieved. But you shot someone. Taking a life will affect you at some point.’
‘He would have killed Luke.’
He nods. ‘Luke is angry with himself: he thinks it’s his fault you were forced into the situation. It should have never happened.’
‘I don’t know how I feel about it. When I close my eyes I can’t see anything. The room was so dark, it’s more like a silhouette – and then I hear the gun going off.’
‘Images are the hardest to forget. Sounds evaporate over time.’
‘Luke knew something was brewing, didn’t he?’ I look at James. ‘I’m not stupid. He installed the extra CCTV, plus he showed me his secret room. But he didn’t trust me enough to actually tell me what was happening. That’s what hurts the most.’
‘You have plenty of time to talk to him.’
‘Talk! Are you kidding? I like your optimism.’
‘A warning for you: he will probably crumble. That’s when he’ll need you.’
‘What do you mean? He’s used to this crazy shit.’
‘Anderson opened up a lot of Luke’s wounds – memories that will probably always haunt him.’
‘What – of Paul?’
James nods. ‘Watching Anderson attack Max.’
‘He couldn’t save him,’ I say.
James nods.
‘OK, I sort of get it, but he is still being an arse.’
James smiles. ‘Good job you love him.’
For the first time today, I smile.
‘As I say, he will need you. It could be today, or in a week. Anyway, you’re safe, he’s safe – let’s draw a line under everything. I hope you’re hungry. We’ve just ordered Chinese.’
‘I would rather tell Luke to shove his spring roll where the sun doesn’t shine.’
When I enter the kitchen, the men are already seated, filling their plates with Chinese food. It smells divine. For the first time today, I’m hungry. Unfortunately, the only seat remaining is next to Luke.
‘Pass me the rice.’
James slides a silver box towards Scott.
‘Kate.’ Luke passes me a box of steamed vegetables with garlic and ginger.
‘Thank you.’ Manners prevail, but it would be most satisfying to tip the contents over his head. ‘Has anyone checked on Max?’
‘He’s stable.’ Short and not so sweet, Sutton.
‘Kate, don’t worry. Scott and I are staying here for a few days,’ James says.
‘As a precaution?’ I say sarcastically.
‘No!’ Luke snaps.
‘Here, Kate.’ James passes me some noodles. Maybe he assumes that I won’t be able to argue with my mouth full.
The men talk about issues I have no interest in. James desperately tries to draw me into the conversation, but I would rather pull my own teeth out. Half a plate is all I can manage. I have no appetite.
‘I’m tired.’ I stand and walk away from the table.
‘Kate.’ Mr Moody Bollocks Sutton stops me.
What?
‘Stay here, I need to sleep.’ Alone, you arrogant arsehole.
Even though I fell asleep with ease, I wake up feeling restless. I need the bathroom. I catch my reflection in the mirror. God, I look a wreck. As I turn sideways, I see I look bigger than yesterday. Our girls are growing.
I go to the bathroom then slip back into bed. It’s two thirty. Enough is enough. I get up and decide to face him.
The house is quiet. Soft light leaks under the entrance to Luke’s office. I push the door ajar. Luke sits at his desk, looking desolate and lost. He sees me, and this time he cannot hide the sadness in his eyes. I run to him and he holds me as though his life depends on it.
‘Don’t shut me out, Luke.’
His arms tighten around me and he buries his face in my neck. I can feel his tears, warm against my skin.
‘Please don’t hate me. I can’t bear it.’
Fuck. I have only ever seen him like this when he told me about losing Paul – and on our wedding day.
‘Kate,’
he mutters.
‘Shhh.’ I kiss him.
He pulls away and places his hands either side of my face. ‘Kate…’
‘Talk to me, Luke.’
‘I’m sorry for being angry. I just…’
‘I get why you’re angry. I know I took a risk. But what else could I have done?’
‘And you would do it again.’
I nod. ‘Always.’ I take his hand and place it over my heart. ‘For better or worse, right?’
‘Seeing you in that room.’ His eyes close and he takes a breath. ‘I have never been on a mission and felt utter fear like I did today – never. If anything happened to you and the girls…’ He runs his hands down my back. ‘Fuck. I’m sorry, Kate. I know I was cold and—’
‘A prick!’
He smiles. ‘I deserve that, and now I’ve hurt you for saving me. How many times can I fuck up our relationship before you run?’
My lips immediately make contact with his. ‘I will never run, Luke.’ I look down at my bump. ‘I have our girls.’
‘I don’t deserve your understanding. Be pissed off, angry, fucking shout at me, but don’t leave me.’
‘Never. I need you, Luke. I can’t breathe without you. Why do you think I came to SGI today? I’ve told you I don’t fear you, I fear losing you.’
‘How the hell did I get this lucky?’ His hands cradle my bump. ‘I married the most beautiful woman in the world. Regardless of my fucked-up attitude earlier, I am so in love with you.’
‘We’re here, Luke. I can’t give in to the likes of Anderson and Philip Cooper. They can’t win. Do you hate me because I killed him?’
‘Never.’
‘I thought because…’
‘Listen, you killed the man I have hated for most of my life, and I know you saved me. I know that.’
Tears roll down my cheeks. Luke leans forward and kisses them away.
‘James said we were well suited.’ I smile.
‘Maybe. I guess only you would protect me like that.’
‘When we met, I told you I would fall on my sword for my family.’
‘I regret calling you selfish.’
‘And irresponsible,’ I say.
‘That too.’
‘I don’t regret coming to find you.’
‘That scares the fuck out of me, Kate.’
