by Eleanor Eden
The Depths of Sorrow
a novel by Eleanor Eden
First published in December, 2019 by Paper Doll Publishing.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities between
real life and the characters and/or events within
is purely coincidental.
Copyright: Paper Doll Publishing, 2019
For my second.
Contents
The Depths of Sorrow
Prologue – About A Baby
Chapter 1 – Winter
Chapter 2 – Revelations and Goodbyes
Chapter 3 – Growth
Chapter 4 – On Giving In
Chapter 5 – Chimera
Chapter 6 – Money, the Man
Chapter 7 – News From Afar
Chapter 8 – Waiting
Chapter 9 - Welcome, Sorrow
Chapter 10 - Superfetation
Chapter 11 - Three Months of Bliss
Chapter 12 – Closure
Chapter 13 – An Unwelcome Visitor
Chapter 14 – Getting Intel
Chapter 15 – Training
Chapter 16 – Journey’s Return
Chapter 17 – Debrief
Chapter 18 – Late Night Revelations
Chapter 19 – Gathering Party
Chapter 20 – Theories
Chapter 21 – Something New
Chapter 22 – Proofs
Chapter 23 – The Calm
Chapter 24 – Dream
Chapter 25 – Present
Chapter 26 – Stolen Time
Chapter 27 – Odyssey
Chapter 28– Time
Chapter 29 – Finally, an Answer
Chapter 30 – A Gift for the Missive Who Has Everything
Chapter 31 – Practice
Chapter 32 – The Plan
Chapter 33 – Goodbyes
Chapter 34 – The Journey
Chapter 35 – The Storm
Prologue – About A Baby
I sometimes wonder if things would’ve been different between Journey (I call him Jay, as humans do) and I – and indeed, between he and our daughter – if I’d known how hard he’d worked to save her, even while she still grew within my womb.
But Jay has always taken his purpose seriously; you might even say it ruled him entirely. Every decision – every action considered – was painstakingly filtered through his loyalty to the entity and to the Fated Order first and foremost. It even masked his feelings, painting a visage of apathy over what he couldn’t share. But to him, doing the right thing had little to do with what the people in his life thought of him.
So, while he begged for our daughter to have a chance, Money and I were cursing him for his absence.
But now I know. And while I’m grateful to him for playing such a critical role in the very existence of our girl, I can’t say I fully understand why our relationship – mine and Jay’s – seemed to have been sacrificed for it.
Maybe someday, he’ll tell me that, too.
For now, though, I know that the following is his account of the conversation between Jay and them that ensured our daughter’s safety.
“I need to present some information.”
“Good. You are faithfully devoted, Missive.”
Jay paused. “You already know.”
“Of course.”
“I don’t understand how it happened.”
The space was filled with a cacophony of sound; different elements of the entity reacting in their own ways – mirth, exasperation, compassion - to the statement.
“Did you know it would?”
“I know all and nothing. I see the endless paths a life can take, and the paths of the Fated are different. Things are changing, Journey. The Fated are changing, and so are you.
“What does that mean? How does it affect our purpose?”
“That remains to be seen.”
“If you can’t tell me that, can you tell me what it means for my daughter?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because her paths are only now being forged. She is brand new, and that is rare, indeed.”
Jay shook his head, trying to trust the words he heard, but conflicted with worry for his child.
“It is not known what is meant for her.”
“What? I don’t understand! You see all!”
“All and nothing. We are everything. She is us, too, and she is new. She is a surprise.”
Jay squeezed his eyes shut, both corporeally and in the form in which he appeared to them.
“She will decide.”
Jay inhaled sharply. “Does that mean she’ll live? Even though she’s a halfling?”
Another rush of excited reactions, and Jay had to resist the urge to cover ears like a toddler refusing to listen.
“She is not exactly a halfling; that said, nor is she expected. At this point, we do not know what her role is.”
“I need to know: will she live?”
“You know as well as I.”
Jay’s frustration soared and in a very rare slip of control, he had to concentrate everything he had on remaining where he was, rather than being pulled back to his human shell.
“Do not despair. If she is not bound for an earthly shell, she will come home.”
As earth time went on, Jay had become less and less able to differentiate between his dual existences. It became harder to equate what he knew of the beyond with what he knew of life on earth. The reminders, thusly, were less comforting.
“You are a senior Missive; one of the first. You have served the purpose well. But you have much more to do! Do not despair.”
“I gather, then, that you can see my path. Can you see what will happen to me if she dies?”
Silence was his answer, though he sensed the wheels turning in the collective mind.
“You’re right; I’ve been serving for many hundreds of earth years, and happy to do so, with very little in the way of pleasure or comforts in my body. And that body is very real to me – can you see that?”
“We can.”
Jay grimaced, as though the words to come hurt him even to admit to himself. “When I met Burden – I knew love and desire in a way I’d never imagined.”
“It was not your purpose.”
“And yet, it was allowed!”
“Much debate surrounded the circumstances, but we are not afraid of change. Change is inevitable, and when there are flaws – such as the difficulty in sustaining the Fated’s numbers – change will come. The Fated are needed.”
“If they weren’t, I wouldn’t exist!”
“That is not true; you’d only exist differently. We would.”
Jay shook his head. “I want this. I need this.”
“Why?”
“Because I love her already – my daughter. I love them both. I know I must focus on my purpose; I feel a pull toward something big -”
“Yes, there are more changes. The balance is threatened. You are wise, Missive.”
“But I have to tell you that, if she doesn’t live, I may be – I don’t know if I have the ability to handle it. Emotionally.”
“We know.”
“And I’m afraid to lose Burden to the pain of it. Like Money was nearly lost.”
“I know that, too. We all know it.”
“Then, can’t you help?”
“Waiting is helping. We make no effort to prevent her earthly existence.”
“But you could help her, too.”
“We can only pledge to let her live.”
“You can’t pledge to ensure that she does?”
“It is not our purpose.”
Jay knew that last bit would blow his human mind, so he struggled not to react as he would in
his earthly shell.
But it was hard.
“You promise not to cause her death?”
“If she is dark, we – the Fated and the Missives alike – will balance her.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“You do. Do not get lost within your shell, Journey.”
“I just want her to live.”
“And so she will, if her path deems it. We have no reason to intervene. Yet.”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you. But you must know you cannot be the type of father you’ve fantasized of.”
Jay only nodded.
“Let the Fated raise her. They belong to one another; they are barely two souls.”
“I know.”
“Then on to the next subject.”
I know they shut the conversation down at that point, and yet I don’t know exactly what to take from it, except that they – it – had stated that they wouldn’t intervene. I don’t know if Journey understood it differently, as able as he was to separate himself from his more human mind.
But I know he considered it an important conversation, and I trust that he did everything he was able to protect his daughter.
But I don’t know what was spoken of next. He won’t tell me that, either.
Chapter 1 – Winter
My tiny house was surprisingly warm and cozy during the winter months. The little pot-belly stove in the corner efficiently heated the entire place, and while the windows afforded breathtaking views the frozen landscape, the many comforts of home ensured it was from a place that felt safe against the bite of the Canadian cold.
I’d refused to live in Jay’s luxurious home, even for just the coldest of the season; I loved my solitude – after all, I’d spent the majority of my life thus far learning how to keep myself company in a world where I stuck out like a sore thumb.
But it wasn’t just the solitude; it was escape.
Though he’d accepted that the child in my belly was his, Journey remained preoccupied – and purposefully so, it seemed. Whether it was due to confusion over how he fit in when Money and I were so close, bald jealousy over the closeness itself, or something else entirely - he was elusive.
I’d tried to reach him countless times – had worked to gain back some of the intimacy we had in the beginning, but I met the brick wall of his stubborn will every time.
And there’s only so much rejection one can take before they begin questioning themselves…or at least their motivations.
It didn’t help that Money was always there. I mean, it helped me tremendously! But as far as Jay’s and my relationship was concerned, Money’s presence only helped hammer the nails into that coffin.
And what could I do to deny it? He’d become my best friend – more than that! It was like something I’d never imagined. Money said that being with me was like having a twin again, but without the feeling of having an annoying sibling around.
Jay called it Sympatico.
Regardless of what we called it, the bond was undeniable, and not something I’d sacrifice for any reason. Not that Jay would give me the option; his undying loyalty to the purpose always first priority.
You might be getting the idea that by then, I was well and duly fed up with the purpose and everything related to it.
Less than a year prior, I’d been carrying on through life, relatively happy and blissfully unaware of any existential objective.
OK, that’s not true.
Despite the lack of explanation behind my strange connection to the dark ones, including my ability to fight them, I can’t say I was unaware that I was different, at the very least.
And feeling different all my life cannot, by default, qualify as being blissful, either.
But at least I’d imagined my future being my own.
“What do you think?” Money’s voice roused me from my thoughts with a grateful smile.
“I love it,” I mumbled, resting against the back of the window seat he’d built beneath the picture window. When he’d suggested it, I couldn’t see his vision – just the unbending lack of space in the home that was aptly named, “tiny.” But he’d proven me wrong, replacing the end table with built-in storage beneath a plush seat made perfect for daydreaming. “We might be found out for the lazy slobs we are when we’re home, though,” I reached for his hand and he joined me, gazing out the window as I had been, then looking back at me, his eyes intense.
“So what if then entire wall of the living room is taken up by comfortable places to lounge?” He smiled, one dimple dotting his cheek, and I was defeated.
“You’re so beautiful,” I mused aloud.
He ran the backs of his fingers down my cheek, holding my gaze and making me melt toward him.
He cleared his throat and stood.
It was getting harder to deny what our every cell pulled us toward.
But for now, we’d agreed to keep things friendly, only. Not only was I carrying Jay’s baby (and suffering the degradation of our relationship, even as he worked to save my kind), but Money himself was compromised, still.
The ten-year struggle with depression and the consequential torment of a dark one bent on feeding off the fear of a Fated had meant something more than a brush with death; he’d been psychologically stunted as well as physically, wasting away after the death of his brother. Wishing to join him – until he met me and he was reminded of who he once was.
Who he could be again.
But it wasn’t with a snap of the fingers that everything would catch up. He was still learning to eat; I could feel him filling out and was thankful for it, but the hollows of his skin were still deep and the points of his bones were still sharp.
And when someone was as depressed as he’d been, for so long a time, the resolution of it was more like breaking a nasty habit. He still responded to situations in the way he might have before we defeated his dark demon – but then he’d catch himself and shake his head, asking for a redo.
And he was tired, like a teenager going through a growth spurt, because he was, in so many ways! And yes, he was lazy, and a little bit whiney, too. In short, he had years of growing up to do before he was ready to consider adult decisions.
But, unlike the unruly teenager he so closely resembled, he did not pass the blame. He never failed to take responsibility for his own shortcomings, and was always there for me, and for my daughter, too even as she grew within me.
And he remained loyal to Jay.
Money seemed to be without the capability to envy. He stood by, meek and casual, when Jay and I discussed our relationship, or shared a rare embrace.
But that was all he had to witness, for Jay had removed the possibility for anything more.
“You did a really good job,” I said, stretching along the length of the seat and groaning with pleasure as I sunk into the cushions. “I think this is my new favorite spot.”
He grinned down at me, quietly.
“What’s wrong?”
He bowed his head; a frequent physical representation of ducking the question. I thought it was adorable.
I sighed. “Are you OK?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets, still standing awkwardly above me. “You’d know if I wasn’t.”
“I’m not about to take advantage of our connection and get inside your head, Money. You know that. Tell me.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m fine!” He waved it away and changed the subject. “Don’t you have to go to work in a while?”
I looked at my phone. “Yep. I have an hour, though, and I think I’ll be spending it right here.”
He nodded, his eyes going to the frozen landscape beyond the window. “January’s always the coldest here.”
I’d heard as much. “Not in here!” I smiled, sweeping my arm across the space I loved so much.
“I’ll drive you in.”
I frowned as I turned to look out the patio doors at the front of the house. “In what?” He’d run over, taking advantage of
a rare ability for speed, as always.
He chuckled, “Your car, of course.” He started opening cupboards. Always hungry, always anxious to eat.
“Aren’t you going home today?”
“I’m already home.”
I rested back against the pillows, considering that silently.
He smiled in my direction, his hands still on the cupboard handles. “You won’t go there, so I come here.”
