Now is my time.
Chapter Seventeen
New Bloom
The last rose,
it withered away.
Petals fell to the ground,
and nothing remained
but its stem.
The stem, chewed on by insects,
stepped on by feet,
eventually died.
And another rose
began to grow.
^^^
It's happening. After twelve years of being the low woman on the totem pole, I’ve found my way near the top. I'm not quite on top, but I'm close enough I can taste it. The power. The indestructibility. I'm wanted.
The past few weeks have flown by with Olivia as my new best friend. I'm spending every moment I'm not with Jesse with Liv, Sarah, and Brynn. We're hanging out in the quad together, bowling on the weekends, and studying together. I've even gone to a few parties and they've never left my side. So far they're proving to be everything I wanted them to be and more. And I think Jesse is happy we’re getting along so well.
Valentine's Day is approaching and the campus is preparing for the Sweetheart Dance. Jesse can't go because he’s attending some sort of tech conference, but I’m going with the girls. It will be so much fun! We shopped for dresses together, and I picked out a new red hot-dress that hugs my curves. For the first time in a long time, I’m not self-conscious about the extra breading on my skin, and I’m embracing it. Olivia offered to do my makeup, and Brynn is taking on my hair. By the time the dance arrives and we’re entering the cafeteria, I’m beaming with my new found beauty. I’m beautiful.
I still can’t hold a candle next to my friends. Olivia’s curled her hair, her blond locks falling beneath her shoulders and resting against her cleavage that spills out of her shimmering dress. Sarah sparkles, literally, with glitter across her chest, and Brynn’s dark eyes are sultry, the smoky look a perfect fit for her. We’re turning heads the second we walk in, but I can’t help but realize that most of the looks are at them, not me.
My smile fades as I realize that even in beauty, I’m still the ugly one in the group.
“Are you ladies ready?” I don’t have time to bask in my self-doubt when Olivia pushes us into the cafeteria. “Let’s show all the women here who rules the campus, and all the men what they’re missing.”
Alex agreed to meet Olivia here so us girls could come together. I still can’t believe she’s back with him after he cheated on her, again, but that seems to be something she finds acceptable. I don’t get it. It’s not my place to judge, though. I don’t want to be on the other side of her wrath, so I keep my opinion to myself. In order to finish this year with a half decent reputation, I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.
Olivia spots Alex as soon as we’re in the door. He cleans up pretty good if I might say so myself. While he’s attractive on the outside, I don’t like him very much considering. My first impression darkens, and I see the ugliness behind the suit.
“Are you going to go over to him?” She’s still standing with us, eyeing up the room.
“In due time, Violet. He can wait. Anticipation is part of the attraction.” She nudges me with her elbow. “You can learn a lot from me.”
I somehow doubt that. If Jesse walked into this room right now, I wouldn’t think twice about running up and kissing him. She’s not abandoning us if she goes over to say hello. And while I don’t care for him, I don’t care if he hangs out with us. Just because he’s with us doesn’t mean I need to talk to him.
The three work their way onto the dance floor. I think back to the first party I went to when I tried to dance. Jesse made fun of me, and rightfully so. I still haven’t mastered dancing. I try my best to stay on the outskirts of the group, and I move my body as little as possible, joining in on the conversation when I can to distract from my sorry excuse for dance moves. I’m actually having a great time, finally feeling part of something.
After a few songs, we find a table to sit at. Alex joins us, pulling a chair next to Olivia and swinging his arm around her. His hand is close to grabbing a hold of her boob though she doesn’t seem to mind.
“When does Jesse get back from the conference?” Alex asks me as though he has any interest in actually talking to me.
“The day after tomorrow.”
“So two days?”
“Yes, the day after tomorrow is in two days.”
Alex winks and chews on his gum. “I just don’t know why you didn’t say two days then.”
“Fine. Two days.” I look over at Brynn and Sarah, who are both giggling and rolling their eyes.
“I bet he’s having a sweet time with it being in Vegas. Have you ever been there?”
“No.” I’m not even twenty-one. I don’t even know what I could do in Vegas. Would I even be allowed into a conference there? Do you have to be twenty-one to attend?
“I have. Man, I got so wasted the last time I was there. I woke up in my room and this girl—“ He stops mid-sentence as Olivia elbows him in the chest. “Ow!” He rubs his chest. “Anyway, this girl—“ She elbows him again. “What’s your problem, Liv?”
“I may be wrong here, but maybe the mention of this girl?” Sarah jumps in a matter-of-factly.
“Ding! Ding! Ding!” Olivia shoots her finger up in the air as she says this. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“Sorry, babe,” he says as he kisses her on the cheek. She turns her head as he does so.
I don’t get how she can stay with him, but to each their own, I guess. What do I know about relationships, right? I’m in my first one ever. Ever. Who am I to judge or give any type of advice? Though I would think the way Alex is acting she would realize what a jerk he is. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this isn’t what a relationship is made up of.
“Do you trust Jesse?” Brynn throws me for a loop with this question. She’s staring at me, a half-smile on her face. Is she trying to intimidate me?
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you trust Jesse? He and Alex are best friends. I’m sure he was on these trips. Is there really a conference?”
“Yes, there’s a conference.” I remember him showing me the brochure. We FaceTimed yesterday and this morning. He had swag. No. Everything is fine.
“Brynn.” Olivia darts her eyes at her. “My brother is a good guy. Don’t put doubt in Vi’s head.”
Wow. I’m a little shocked Olivia comes to my defense. Maybe this has the potential to be a good relationship, a long-lasting friendship.
“I’m only saying boys will be boys.”
“Yeah, we will!” Alex tries to offer a high five to Brynn, and she declines. At least she has enough class for that, I guess.
A slow song comes on and Alex asks Olivia to dance. She declines, surprising me. I giggle inside, not wanting to make my pleasure noticeable. Alex whispers something in her ear, she mouths “Oh well,” and he leaves the table.
“What was that about?” Sarah leans on the table, waiting for Olivia’s response.
“Nothing. I told him I want tonight to be about the girls. I’ll catch up with him later.”
“You promised him a blow job, didn’t you?”
She smirks at Brynn.
“Girl, you’re nasty.”
“No, you know who’s nasty? Her.” We all look in the direction Olivia is pointing.
A girl with bright hair stands there, her hair cut into a pixie cut. Her green dress is cut just below her knees, and her black heels add a few inches to her frame. She doesn’t even need to turn around for me to know who we’re looking at.
Janna.
“Ugh. I can’t stand that girl. She’s in my Economics class. She missed like a month and didn’t even get kicked out. She reeks all the time, too. And she’s so skinny. Like gross skinny.” Brynn clicks her nails on the table. “You know her, don’t you, Violet?”
“Um.” I don’t know what to say here. If I say yes, I’m stepping into territory I really don’t want
to. As much as I don’t want to be the butt of all jokes, I don’t want to be the one making them either. On the other hand, if I don’t join in, where will that put me in the group? “I mean, yeah, I know her. Of her.”
“Oh, Violet here used to be friends with the Stink Bomb before I slammed the door in her face when she came to our dorm.”
The Stink Bomb? They have a nickname for her? Does, or did, Olivia have one for me? Oh gosh, what if she still does? What if she talks about me behind my back? No. She doesn’t do that.
Janna sees me and stares for a moment. I don’t think she’ll come over here. Not after that day at my dorm.
But she does. She picks up her feet and starts a slow trek toward me. At least it seems slow. Is she exaggerating the walk to intimidate me, or am I imagining she’s doing it slowly because I can’t believe she’s actually coming over here?
My heart is pumping at an excessive speed when she arrives at our table.
“Hi, Violet.”
Do I say hi? Why is she saying hello? Olivia really ripped into her, and I wasn’t so pleasant either, and she still finds it in herself to greet me pleasantly.
“Hi.” I don’t say it loudly, in fact, it’s almost a whisper.
“I was hoping I would see you here.”
“You were?”
“Yes. I wanted to talk about what happened that day at your dorm.” She looks over at Olivia, Brynn, and Sarah. “Can we have a moment?”
The three exchange looks and then smile at Janna. “No,” Olivia states as the unassigned leader of the group. “You can talk here.”
She shifts her weight back and forth and glares at me. What does she want me to do here? I’m won’t ditch Olivia and go off with Janna. What message would that send? Besides, whatever she has to say she can say in front of Olivia. I really don’t care.
“I’m sorry about everything. I really am. I wish you would believe me. Is there anything I can say for you to forgive me?”
She’s done it. She’s apologized. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t need much more than that. Maybe I’m partly to blame for what happened, but she didn’t need to take to social media about it.
“Vi, I’ll make a new video if I have to. I’ll retract everything. I don’t know what I was thinking with Paul. He’s…he’s not a good guy. Is that what you want? For me to make a new video?”
I’m about to forgive her, to tell her we can be friends again, to tell her she doesn’t need to make a new video when Brynn pulls out her phone.
“Do it. Make a video.”
“What?” I’m caught by surprise by this. Why should she?
“Oh, you’re right, Brynn,” Olivia jumps in. “But she should do it with her phone from her account.” She reaches her hand out. “Give me your phone. I’ll record it.”
“Vi?”
Janna stares at me, dumbfounded over what is happening. I have to step in, to say something.
“I don’t think she needs to make a video. It’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal! She humiliated you. It’s only fair we do the same to her.”
But is it? Is that fair? Do we throw stones back or do we take them and rebuild? Is this what being accepted by this group of people means? I’m forced to conform to this shit they do to people?
“Come on, Violet, don’t be such a wimp. Here.” Olivia grabs the phone out of Janna’s hand and gives it to me. “You do it.”
“I…” I’m holding Janna’s phone in my hand, not sure what to do now.
“It’s okay, Violet. Just start the live video.”
“Are….are you sure?” I don’t think Janna realizes what she’s walking into. I’ve been here, on the other side of this, and it isn’t pretty. “You don’t have to.”
“Yes, she does.” Olivia leans over and hits the LIVE button. “Go.”
Janna stands before us, her hands placed at her side. The funny thing is, she doesn’t seem scared or intimidated. Not in the least. She has her I don’t give a fuck attitude.
“Janna here, everyone. Hi.” She waves and a half smile forms on her face. “I want to take this time to apologize to my best friend, Violet, and to all of you for my rant the other day. Violet is a good person. She deserved none of it.”
I’m about to press the end button when Olivia places her hand on my arm. “Don’t.” She looks at Janna. “Now get down on your hands and knees, and bark like a dog.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard her.” Brynn stands and is towering over Janna. “Hands and knees. Now. And bark.”
“I don’t like this, Olivia. Not at all. She doesn’t have to do that.”
“Either you go along with this, Violet, or you can kiss any chance of having a good year here goodbye. Do you think once you take that makeup off and walk back onto campus people will want to talk to you? Without us, you’re this ugly girl. Now you’re an ugly beautiful girl. You’re still as ugly as a dog, but with a little help from us, we make you pass as beautiful. But make no mistake about it—you’re not.”
Her words sink into me, grabbing by my heart, squeezing as tight as they possibly can, breaking me. Whoever said sticks and stones can break bones but words can never hurt never lived my life. That person was wrong. Dead wrong. Olivia’s words hurt more than sticks and stones ever can. I know this because they’re true. Sometimes it’s hard to know the truth, the real truth. But here it is before me, and it’s time to accept it will never change, makeup or not. Jesse or not.
I can’t react. I can’t refuse to do this, but I can’t do it either. Olivia snatches the phone out of my hand and demands Janna do as told. She crouches down onto the floor and onto all fours and barks two times. Then she stands up and takes her phone away.
With her phone in her hand, she looks at me and says, “I did that for you. Not them. You. But if this is who you are now, then forget it.”
I sink into my chair as Janna walks away.
I don’t feel good about what I’ve done. I’m sick to my stomach over what happened with Janna. Gosh, it was so easy to get caught up in it all. I allowed my fear of going back to being that girl take control of the situation, becoming the girl I hate in only a few seconds. And Olivia and her clan saw nothing wrong with it. They, and me, humiliated her, and walked away as though we were proud. We shouldn’t be proud. We should be ashamed.
And I am.
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?”
Jesse’s face fills my iPad, and it sinks just low enough I can see the top of his chest. I wish he were here so I could lay on him, hear his heartbeat. He’ll be back soon, but that’s not soon enough. I need him here with me, even if I don’t think I deserve him.
“I think in time she will. She’s Janna. She probably really didn’t even care about it. I bet you’re more worried about this than she is.”
He’s right. In the short months I’ve known her, she’s proven to not care about what people think. She may even do something like that on a normal day. Still, we’re in college. Just because we’re only freshman doesn’t give us an excuse to act like we’re in high school. Because that’s what we were doing, me, Olivia, and her friends.
Olivia is still at the dance, probably giving someone else hell. I told the girls my stomach bothered me so I could come back to the room. It was only a partial lie. After watching Janna on the ground like that, my stomach didn’t like me very much. I was a jerk. Am a jerk.
“So my sister was in on this?”
“She was the ringleader.” She is always the ringleader. Her monkeys, her circus, I guess. But now I’m thinking no matter how popular that circus is, I don’t think I want to be a part of it.
He shakes his head and wipes his hands down his face. “I can’t believe her sometimes. Or, actually, most times. She’s always been like this.”
“Always?”
“Yes, always. Even in grade school. It started slowly but eventually she was all bitch all the time. I hate to say that about her, but it’s true. But she does i
t to keep people at bay.”
“Well, it works.” She’s only drawn the attention of her flock. They follow her, but I can see glimmers of hope in both Brynn and Sarah. I’m sure it’s there with Olivia somewhere, buried deep down under the black abyss of her soul.
“You still don’t think she had anything to do with that photo?”
“I don’t know, Violet. What she did to Janna was crappy but I still don’t think she’d go that far.”
I can’t believe he won’t side with me now, not after I just confessed what happened at the dance. How can he think she’s innocent? The situation with Janna is almost worse in my eyes. I can’t compete with her, with his family. I need to focus on Janna. On reconciling with her. “Should I call Janna? I should call her. Should I call her?”
“That’s up to you. I don’t want to decide for you.”
Maybe I’ll sleep on it. I’ll call her in the morning, or stop off at her dorm. It’s late, anyway. She could be in bed already. I know if I weren’t chatting with Jesse, I would be as well.
“I can’t say goodnight without telling you how beautiful you look.”
He says this, but I think he knows I don’t believe him. Not after what Olivia said to me though I left that part out.
“Really. You are, whether you think so or not.”
“Thank you.” I know he hates it when I don’t accept his compliment, so I do it against my own desires.
We say goodbye to each other, blowing kisses in the air. After I dim my iPad, I lay back in bed, still in my dress and all my makeup, and fall asleep.
Chapter Eighteen
Complete
Only by following
your own advice and dreams
can the pieces of the puzzle
fit together into yourself
and the silence of your life become spoken.
Ugly Beautiful Girl Page 17
