by Robin Banks
“You are such a quitter. Sometimes I’m ashamed to know you.”
We’re still busy shoveling as much food in our faces as we can without gagging when Jameson walks over to Alya. Wobbles over, to be precise. I guess he’s been enjoying his booze as much as I have. He’s smiling so broadly that I could almost believe him to be genuinely happy. Alya smiles back at him with that frozen, half-mast smile she reserves for people she detests.
Either Jameson is so drunk that he doesn’t realize how loud he is, or he just doesn’t care. He’s way too loud even from where we’re standing. “You will never guess what was in my coms today.”
“Oh. Something good?”
“You know that darkie you knocked about with in Anteia?”
She keeps smiling, but her eyes narrow. “Yes?”
“He just got married. His father sent me an invitation to the ceremony. Arrived too late, of course, and it’s not as if I would have gone, but it’s very decent of them. Bit of a surprise, though. Isn’t it funny?”
“Yes. Hilarious.”
“Probably got someone up the spout. You know how those people are.”
“Indeed.”
She takes a sip with a perfectly steady hand. If I didn’t know her and I didn’t know how she felt about Raj, I could almost believe that she didn’t care. But I know better than that. This is fucking awful.
As soon as Jameson’s wondered off, I start off towards Alya, but Tom yanks me back.
“Be cool. If she wanted a scene, she’d be making one herself.”
We make our way back to the drinks table as casually as possible and stand next to her. She looks perfectly collected, but her lips are turning blue.
Tom smiles at her and whispers. “Do you want us to take you home?”
She smiles and whispers back. “No way. Everyone’s watching. I’m not going to give them the satisfaction.”
I smile at the two of them. We’re all such smiley, happy people. “What do you need?”
“I suppose a knife is out of the question. I’m going to stay here and drink and eat and smile and party long enough to make my point. Just don’t let me fall over, ok?”
We stand by her as she sips from the same drink and fields questions from people who really should know better. They ask her whether she knew, who the wife is, what she thinks of it all, how she feels. It’s as if half the show needed to rub this whole thing in her face. I wish I could just punch them in the mouth, but apparently that’s not what Alya wants.
When the interviews are over, Alya looks up at us, still smiling, and whispers “please, get me out of here.”
“Sure thing,” nods Tom. “Just a second.” He fills up two glasses, then gestures at us to move on.
As soon as we’re out of sight from everyone, she starts speeding up, but Tom stops her.
“Here. Drink this.”
She downs the drink in one and cringes.
“Good. Now this.”
She downs the second drink and starts to shiver.
“Alright. Get on. We can go and find Nicky.”
“No. You can talk to him. I can’t.”
“What do you want us to tell him?”
“Tell him everything. That I’m ok. That I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Are you sure? He’s your best friend.”
“Yes. Please.”
When we’re getting up to her ATR, she turns to me. “Can you take Laika for tonight?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I can’t handle her right now. You’ll need to lift her up and down the steps. She’ll try to jump. Don’t let her.”
“Alya…”
“I’m ok. I’ll be fine. Just look after my dog. Take her now, please. I don’t want her to see me. And tell Kolya.”
She’s not shed a tear yet. She is starting to scare me, but all I can do is what she’s asking me to do. Laika seems a bit reluctant to leave her home without Alya’s say-so, but she trusts me enough to follow me. She turns to have a good look when we hear the ATR door open and close, but she stays with me. I feel like a shitheel for taking her away.
“Tom, this is fucked up. Alya shouldn’t be alone.”
“She wants to do her hurting in private. Nothing wrong with that. You’d do the same.”
“The hell I would. If something like that happened to me, I’d want you there.”
“Alya doesn’t have me. She doesn’t have anyone like me. Best she has is Nicky, and Raj is like a son to him. He’ll be doing his own hurting.”
“Shit. Are we going to tell him tonight?”
“I think so. Then he’s going to have the whole night to get over it before work tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to tell him at all, to be honest. I don’t want to upset him like that.”
“We made a promise.
“I’m gonna do it. I just don’t want to. Who’s gonna tell him?”
“I think you should. I barely knew Raj.”
“But I’ve got Laika.”
“So take her with you.”
“I can’t. She’ll get upset because Nicky’s upset.”
“We’re all fucking upset. If you want her not to know that, I suggest you book her a hotel for the rest of the week.”
“Ok. You’re right. Let’s do it.”
It’s precisely as fuck-awful as I expected. Kolya opens his door, sees us there with Laika, and shits a brick.
“What happen? Where is Alya?”
“She’s ok. Well, she’s safe. Can we come in?”
We cram ourselves in his bunk, Laika curled up in my lap, shivering.
“Tell me what happen. Is bad. I see your faces.”
I can’t think of any way to dress this up. “Jameson got a com from Raj.” Nicky’s eyes widen in panic, so I rush on. “He’s ok. He got married.”
“He what?”
“Jameson got an invitation to his wedding.”
Nicky stares at me for so long I’m starting to worry, then he springs up off his bed. “Alya. She needs me.”
“She said she wants to be alone. She sent us here. She says she’s ok.”
“She lies!”
“Yes, but she was very clear about wanting to be alone. That’s why I have Laika.”
“This is not right.”
“No. It isn't. But it’s what she wants.”
He drops back on his bed. Laika crawls over to lean against his legs.
“Raj is married?”
“Yes.”
“All this time he has a girl? I don’t believe this. Not my boy. Not possible.”
“We don’t know. We don’t know anything. Just that he’s married.”
“Who knows this?”
“The whole damn show, pretty much. Jameson said it right in the middle of Bella’s party.”
“And Alya?”
“She handled is like a pro. So good it scared me.”
His face crumples and tears start rolling down his cheeks. “Everything I dream for my children since they first meet. First Alya hates him. She cannot stand him. Too dangerous. This is one man she cannot bullshit. He sees all of her. And then they are friends, and then… And now this? I do not understand.”
“I don’t either. But he did take it pretty hard when she left.”
“So he finds another girl? In a month?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do.”
“You look after Alya. Maybe she is angry at me.”
“No! She’s not angry at you. She’s just hurting, I think.”
“This is bad. And so public? Very bad. She is too proud for this.”
For the first time since I got here, I find myself praying for the life support alarm to go off. I know it’s cowardly, but I can’t bear to watch Kolya hurting when I can’t do anything about it. Then I realize that there’s no way Jameson is gonna cut the air while his party is still going on. I’m going to have to suck it up, or get the fuck out on my own.<
br />
Nicky wipes his tears and sighs. “You look after Alya. Please. It will be bad for her. So worried about being tough, she does not let herself hurt.”
“I can try, but I really don’t know what to do.”
“You have a good heart. You will know. Now go. I am ok.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, sure. Thank you.”
Tom helps me get Laika out without dropping her.
“I guess I’ll have to take her for a stroll before bedtime.”
“Yeah. You go empty your dog. I’m just going to get some sleep and try to forget all about it. This is such a godsdamn downer. All I wanted to do was have a free party. Your friends are hard work, man.”
“Don’t be a dick. It’s not as if they did this on purpose.”
“So what? They still did it. They bounce from one drama to another. If they’re not doing it on purpose, that’s even worse. It means they’re not going to stop.”
I want to tell him that he’s wrong, that what he’s saying is unfair and uncalled for, but he has a point. The whole Anteia thing has been a clusterfuck. This is a shitty way for it to end, but the whole thing has been shitty. Maybe Raj was a two-timing piece of shit all along and Alya was right to leave. Maybe he got so cut up that he found love somewhere else. Or something like love, anyway. Either way, it’s all over and done with, and that may not be a bad thing. Dragging it on wouldn’t have helped anyone. Now we’ve just gotta wait for everyone to get back to normal.
4.
Having Laika as a guest is both easier and harder than I’d anticipated. I have to feed her and empty her, just like I do with the show dogs. She follows me around at work without me having to ask her to. I was worried about her being safe in the stables, but all she does is lie down at the entrance and wait for me to come back out. She’s the easiest dog in the world.
I did wake up my first morning thinking that I’d broken my back in my sleep because there was a horrendous pain just above my ass, only to discover that Laika had jumped on my bed during the night and nested right on top of me. We had words about that. We came to a compromise: she can stay on my bed but not on me, and neither of us is to tell Alya. Other than that, I just have to be here for her and she seems happy.
I have to be here, though. I can’t just bug off and leave her. That doesn’t bother me much: we’ve been on Thalia so long that I’ve done all the local exploring I can take. It’s pissing Tom off, though. It seems to really annoy him that I have to think of Laika before making plans with him. I don’t get it. It may be a bit restrictive, but I’m actually enjoying her company, so it all balances out for me. I guess he only gets to see the annoying side of it. It seems to make him want to stake an equal claim upon my time.
Ever since we got here, we have hardly been to the circus café. It wasn’t my decision. Tom has been going into the bubble as often as possible instead. That was fine by me: I’m still not keen on wasting credit on shit food just for the sake of joining the herd. I guess the novelty has worn off for him, or his credit’s running low, because he’s decided to start going to the café again. Apparently that means that I’ve gotta go along.
“Luke, you’re coming, right?”
“Yeah. Just give me a chance to sort Laika out.”
“No, for real.”
“I said yes.”
“You promised.”
“What can I tell you to make you believe me? I’ll be there in five.”
“Alright. Don’t be a dick. I’ll see you there.”
Of course, when I get there, Tom’s not there yet. I could wait for him, but I’m hungry as hell and Ava’s looking at me funny, so I figure I’d best order straight up.
When I get to the counter, before I get a chance to even say hello to her, Ava crosses her arms and grunts “I don’t think so.”
“Beg pardon?”
“I’m not serving you.”
“What?”
“Look at the state of you. You think I’m going to let you eat here?”
I walked past the boys’ table to get in. I’m not sure what job they did today, but it looks like it involved heavy oil. I’m not precisely dressed up, but I’m not half as dirty as they are, and they’re eating their lunch. I’m not sure that there’s any point mentioning that, though. I’m waiting for my brain to come up with a different answer when Ava turns away from me. I guess this conversation is over.
Everyone is staring at me, boys and artists, and this is no fun at all, so I get the fuck out and go back to my bunks and my kitchen. I’ve got food there. It’s not a problem.
Alya and Kolya are sorting out their lunch and the kitchen is a bit small for the three of us, so I hurry the hell on. By the time they’ve finished making their meal and sat themselves at their table outside the bunks, I’ve already eaten mine. I sit myself down on my steps planning to play guitar for Laika for a bit. The guys will just have to deal with being forced to overhear me. I’ve just managed to forget that they’re there when Tom turns up. He’s not happy.
“You fucker. You said you were coming to eat with me.”
“I did. You weren’t there and Ava wouldn’t serve me.”
“She what?” say Tom and Alya in perfect unison.
“She said she wouldn’t serve me because of the state I was in, so I came back here for my lunch.”
Kolya lets off a stream of words I’m glad I don’t understand.
“Are you shitting me?” Alya’s going purple with fury.
“Nah. It’s not a big deal, is it?”
“It fucking well is. For a number of reasons. Not only she has no right to do that, but she’s singling you out on purpose. The boys eat there, and it’s not as if they dress up for the occasion.”
“I figured that. But she wouldn’t serve me, and it’s not as if I like her food anyway, so I left.”
“We shall see about this.” I really don’t like the sound of her voice.
“Alya? It’s not a problem. Eating there’s no party.”
“Nobody treats you like that. Nobody. You hear me?”
“Ok.” I’m not going to tell her to calm down, because I don’t want her to explode at me instead, but she’s getting scary.
“Give me a couple of minutes. I’m going to sort this out once and for all.”
She goes in the kitchen, opens up one of the cupboards, and takes out a box. Inside the box, wrapped in a ton of padding, are four clear glasses. By the looks of it, they’re made out of actual glass – the breakable stuff.
“Alya? What are you doing?”
“I’m making coffee.”
“Beg pardon?”
“I’m going to make us all some coffee. My best coffee. And then we’re going to the foyer to drink it. That’s all.”
“Alya?”
“Yes?”
“Please, don’t kill anyone.”
“It will probably not come to that.”
“Can you promise me that?”
“Nope. Here you go. This is the good stuff. My best coffee, condensed milk, and a shot of whiskey for me and Kolya. Syrup for you two, because you’re infants. It’s not the same, but you’ll have to live with it. Onwards and upwards. The foyer awaits us.”
“Do we have to do this?”
“Yes.” The way she says it doesn’t tempt me to disagree with her.
We walk around to the foyer and get in through the main entrance. Alya and Kolya veer off to see the boys, Alya crouching down to talk to them. Tom and I carry on walking towards the table where our friends sit.
We’ve barely gotten there when Ava spots me and brays at me from behind her counter. “I told you I wouldn’t serve you.”
“Not a problem.” I lift up my glass. “I’ve sorted myself out.”
“You can sort yourself out somewhere else. I don’t want you in my foyer.”
“I thought it was Mr. Jameson’s foyer.” Alya gets up from behind the boys’ table. Her voice is perfectly steady. “And I thought the reason he paid yo
ur wages was so you can sell food to those willing to buy it.”
The two of them lock eyes and stare at each other for ages, until Ava looks away, fuming but defeated. Alya goes right back to chatting to the boys, as if nothing at all was the matter.
Ava glares at me as if she were wishing me dead, but mutters “What do you want?”
“Nothing, thank you. I’m all good.” I really am. Alya’s coffee is way better than the shit they sell here. Ava looks even more pissed off, which amuses me. A few moments ago she wouldn’t serve me and now she’s angry because I’m not buying? I’m glad Tom already had his dinner, though, because if he ordered it now she’d probably throw it at him.
Alya and Kolya finish their coffees, say their goodbyes to the boys, and head back home. I could stay behind, but I’m not really in the mood, so I rush off to catch up with them.
“You alright, kid?”
“Yeah. Just had enough excitement for today.”
“I’m sorry about that. It was just too much for me to bear. I don’t know whether I flipped out because you’re my friend – which would be bad – because you’re my territory – which would be worse – or because I’m in a terrible mood – which would be worst. Regardless, I am sorry.”
“What? Why?”
“I shouldn’t have butted in.”
“If I minded, I would have stopped you.”
“I’m not sure you could have. I’m not functioning as well as I should. I wanted to hurt somebody. I saw an opportunity to do so without feeling guilty, so I took it.”
She’s saying it so coldly, as if it was a report on a broken piece of machinery. That worries me more than anything else. All we’ve got out of her since the news of Raj’s wedding have been rage and this cold detachment. I’d be more optimistic if she cried, or went around fucking half the town. Anything would be better than this.
5.
It’s our last night here, so everyone who’s anyone has decided to go to the bubble and pull an all-nighter. It’s the most senseless thing we could do, because it’s gonna make tomorrow’s pull-down an absolute nightmare. Either nobody cares about that, or they don’t care enough to point it out. Tom and I should probably have cleared it with Kolya. I know he would have let us go, but I also know that he would have been disappointed and concerned. I didn’t fancy dealing with that. Instead we just got dressed up and joined the herd whooping its way into town.
