“Watch your mouth or—”
“Or what, you’ll slap me?” Her stance invited him to attack. “Just try it, and I’ll kick your tail. I’m not a little kid anymore. Leave me alone, Lucas.” She took a bowl out of the cabinet and set it on the table beside the nuts.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “If you want a fight, you’ve come to the right place. I have no intentions on backing down. It’s time you learned your place. You can’t go out alone. You could have been hurt.”
She didn’t feel well and fighting with Lucas wouldn’t help any. She’d gone through too much emotionally these past few weeks. First she’d almost died, then she’d dealt with her parents’ deaths, and lastly, the man she loved sold her. She couldn’t take anymore. “Would you please just leave me alone?” She pulled out a ladder-backed chair and sat. “Don’t you have a business to run?” She put two pecans in her hand and squeezed until the pressure cracked the nuts. Shell chips fell into the empty bowl.
“No, I won’t leave you alone. Someone needs to tell you how to behave. You’ve been acting like a spoiled brat since you arrived.”
She almost choked on a nut. “Since I arrived. You make it sound as if you picked me up at the stagecoach station or something. All I did was go for a walk to get the lay of the land.” She picked out the meat of the nut. “Do you have any grape or berry juice?”
“You’re just getting over a bad spell. I don’t want you to have a setback. The weather is too cold for you to be out. If you want to go out later, I’ll take you.”
She’d worn her coat, hat, gloves, boots and scarf. What more did he want? She pushed away from the table, unable to comprehend his mother hen act, and headed for her room. “I’m not talking about this anymore. It’s ridiculous. That little storm out there is nothing compared to the blizzards on the mountain. I’m in a bad mood, and if you don’t leave me alone, you’ll be sorry.” She picked up her drawing pad and pencil. Of course he thinks this is bad. He hasn’t seen a real winter in years. Humph, I’ve lived through plenty of them without him.
He followed close behind. “How dare you threaten me! What has that green-eyed devil taught you?
She tossed her pad and pencil toward the bed. “Why won’t you just leave me alone?” she drawled out. “I’m not running away. I was just out on a walk. You are overreacting.”
“Overreacting? Overreacting! Do you know what could have happened to you out there? It’s dangerous for a chi…young lady on her own. Someone could have grabbed you. We do have wolves out this way.”
A laugh erupted from the pit of Joy’s belly. “You are a real piece of work.” He’d left her on her own for over eight years, and now he wanted to tell her the dangers of going on a walk. She never heard anything so obscenely absurd in her life.
She remembered the first time he left her. With the removal of the veils of denial came unshed tears of acknowledgment, abandonment, and betrayal. Her Indian family refused to mention his name because they thought he’d abandoned her, but she wouldn’t hear what they were saying. Now his neglect rang loud and clear. She laughed at herself for being so blind.
Lucas stalked up to her, chastising, “After all I’ve done for you, you have the gall to laugh at me. I have a good mind to turn you over my knee.” He tried to grab her, but she was too fast.
“All you’ve done for me? What is all this you’ve done? I must have been asleep on that day.” She tapped her temple, acting confused. “I did live on the mountain alone, didn’t I?”
“That was your choice. You didn’t have to, but you wouldn’t stay with me.”
“You are out of your mind, aren’t you? How dare you abandon me, and then blame me.”
“I didn’t abandon you. I lost my sister and took you in.” He pointed at her. “You are the one who kept running away.”
“Oh, so I should be grateful to you for taking in the little orphan. You were in mourning, yet you still found the strength to make sure I was cared for. Let me bow down and kiss your feet, oh mighty one.” She knelt down to his feet.
He backed up. “Stop it. That’s not what I meant.”
She stood. “Yes, it is. I told you to leave me alone, but you wouldn’t. I begged you to leave me alone, but you keep pushing me. Well, far be it from me to deny you what your heart desires.” She pointed to a chair.
“I think I’ll stand.” He crossed his arms in defiance.
“Suit yourself. Yes, you lost your sister, and you were in mourning. But I lost my mother and father. I saw my mother raped and my father died praying for angels to watch over his baby. I was covered in his blood. You didn’t come for me for two months. Then you took me away from the only home I knew and dumped me with complete strangers.”
“They weren’t strangers. You needed a mother and father. The Garcia’s are good people.”
“I’m sure they were good, but I didn’t know them, which makes them strangers in my book. I was scared, alone and needed you, but you left me with strangers.”
“I didn’t know.”
“Why? I told you. But you kept making me go back to them. You wouldn’t listen to me, so I went home. If I had to be alone, I wanted to be alone where I felt comfortable.”
“I came back for you, and you ran back to that damned mountain. You wanted to stay, so I let you stay.”
“I was what, ten? How could you leave me on the mountain by myself? I don’t care what I said. I was only a child. You shouldn’t have listened to me. I cried for months when you left me.”
“I didn’t know.”
He stood knee-deep in denial, but she wouldn’t play into it today. He opened Pandora’s box, and now he’d have to suffer the consequences. “What was there to know, Lucas? I was ten and by myself. What kind of imbecile leaves a child by herself?” She smirked, hearing herself use Jared’s exact words. “I didn’t think you’d actually leave me. I thought you’d stay on the mountain with me. All I needed was you, and you kept sending me away to strangers.” She could feel the cleansing tears stream down her face.
He reached for her. She pulled away.
“If I were Jared, you’d let me comfort you.”
Her pain changed to rage instantly. “Don’t mention his name. He has nothing to do with this. I’m pouring my heart out to you, and you mention his name.” Roaring Thunder had told her she needed to work out her issues with Lucas so she could escape the emotional trap she lived in. The more she freed her true feelings, the better she felt.
“This isn’t about your growing up on the mountain without me. It’s about your blaming me for his leaving you. I’m sorry I interfered, but Jared didn’t have to take the money.”
She tapped his chest with her finger. “I told you not to mention him. Quit while you’re ahead.” She stalked out of the room.
“Blame me all you want, but you need to face facts. Jared is a white man and had no intentions of marrying you. He left you. Now you’re placing his blame on me. Go ahead, I can take it.” He followed her. “But I won’t stand by while you endanger yourself. You will not be walking around all hours of the morning and night alone, and that’s final. You are my responsibility, whether you like it or not. I take care of my responsibilities.”
She could no longer control her hurt or anger and, quite frankly, didn’t want to. This went beyond what Jared had done. This was about what Lucas, her flesh and blood, had done.
“So now it’s his fault you abandoned me. Do I have it correct? I thought it was my fault.”
“Stop trying to twist things.”
“Who’s twisting what?” She paced about the living room, nervously. “Let me get this straight.” She continued pacing, working her fingers through her hair. “I’m almost twenty years old.” She stopped pacing. “I’ve lived by myself for what, nine years?” She pointed at him. “And now you’re worried I might get hurt? Where were you when I was twelve and almost attacked by a bear? Where were you when drunks and perverts were after me? Where were you when I was scared? Where we
re you when I’d cry myself to sleep at night? Where were you when I was lonely? Where were you when I was cold and hungry? Where were you the when I was sick?”
She could see Lucas shrink with each barb. “I came as soon as I found out,” he mumbled.
“Are you talking about this last bout of illness?” She raised her hands in defeat. “This is too much. Do you actually believe that in nine years this was the first time I’ve ever been sick? Give me a break. I must have been half out of my mind to send for you.” She paused. “Oh, yeah, that’s right, Jared sent for you, didn’t he? The horrible white man.
“And while we’re on the subject of white men. I am angry and hurt by Jared’s actions, but I can forgive him before I can forgive you.” She started toward him; he backed up. “You are my family. You are all I had left. I was a child, and you abandoned me.” She had him backed in a corner.
She glared into his sorrowful eyes. “You don’t like to hear that, do you? Well, the truth hurts. Here’s a little more truth for you. I may not always be in love with Jared, but I will always love him. You see, he did a job a black man should have. Don’t look so confused. He is the one who finally helped me move past my parents’ deaths. He let me cry, scream, talk, beat, kick and act horribly until I worked through the pain. He was there for me. Why did I have to suffer for nine years, Lucas? What he did was worth the little gold you gave him.”
“I would have…”
“Don’t say another word. I was completely happy for the first time in nine years, and you stole it away from me. You didn’t have anything to do with me until a white man wanted me. Now, all of a sudden, you need to take care of your responsibilities. When I needed you, you left me alone. I don’t need you anymore, so would you please repeat history and leave me alone.” She pushed her way past him and grabbed her gear.
“Gail, wait,” he said aimlessly.
She angrily slipped on her gloves. “My name is Joy. Gail would be my mother. She was raped and murdered around nine years ago. I know because I was there. I suggest you come to terms with that.” Coat halfway on, she slammed the door on her way out.
Lucas’s whole body quaked with guilt, knocking down his house of cards. He’d been in denial for nine years, and Joy made him face reality. He suddenly became nauseous, recalling the look on her face when he left her at the mountain cabin. “Oh, my God. What have I done?”
He could finally hear Joy’s cries and pleas. His legs became weak. “Gail, please forgive me.” He sank into the pit of despair. “I abandoned my sister’s child.” As the horror of what he’d done registered completely, he found himself doing something he hadn’t done since his wife and child’s deaths—he cried.
Chapter Fourteen
Joy wasn’t ready to return to Lucas’s, so she explored. She’d been so upset when she left she forgot to take money with her. She expected the reservation to be a bunch of lodges like her village, but it was organized like a small town.
The only shop open was the general store. She saw a few dresses she could live with and some boots.
“Did you need some help?” the clerk asked.
Joy smiled at the middle-aged Indian man. “No, thank you, I didn’t bring any money with me. I was just checking prices, so I’d know how much to bring later.”
“You’re new here. When did you arrive? Are you planning on staying?”
Joy liked the man, but he sure was nosy. She wondered if everyone was so inquisitive. “I came a few days ago. I’m living with my uncle…Lucas.”
The clerk stepped back with a big grin on his face. “You’re Joy?”
“Yes, sir,” she said with apprehension.
He took her hand. “I’m Soaring Eagle’s father. He’s told me everything about you. You can call me ‘Pops’ like everyone else does.” He released her hand. “Lucas has an account here. Take whatever you want.”
“Thanks…Pops. Do you have somewhere I can try these on?” Still upset, she didn’t wish to try on a bunch of stupid dresses, but what else did she have to do?
“There’s a dressing closet just on the other side of the door, dear.” He motioned toward the storage room door.
Joy looked in the full-length mirror at herself. She hadn’t seen herself in a mirror since she was a little girl. Lucas called her Gail, and she could now see why. She missed her mother. She touched her reflection. The pain of losing her parents added to the betrayal of Lucas abandoning her smothered all semblance of calm and inner peace Joy had.
She slid along the mirror onto the floor, crying. “Oh, Ma, help me.” She didn’t want to lose Lucas. He was all she had left of her family, but he didn’t want her. He never wanted her.
Joy heard a light tapping at the door, but was too distraught to answer. Instead, she continued her cry.
“Do you need help?” Pops said from the other side of the door.
No one could help her. She wanted to go home to her Miwok family. She’d marry whomever Roaring Thunder chose. She didn’t care anymore.
“Cover yourself. I’m coming in.” After a few seconds, he opened the door. “Oh, child…” He stooped and pulled her into his arms.
She wrapped her arms around him, thinking her parents must have sent him for her. She wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry, Pops. I didn’t mean to take you away from your work. I’ll be fine. I just need time to gather myself.”
He massaged her back the same as Gail used to. “You need to lie down.” He helped her stand. “I have a room in the back from when my children were small.” He led her to the bed. “Take off your shoes and lie down.” She complied.
He pulled up a straight-back chair and sat beside the bed. “This is about Lucas bringing you here, isn’t it?”
She leaned on the pillow. “You could say that. Why did he bring me here when he doesn’t even care about me? I don’t understand. I was happy on my mountain.”
Pops rested his elbows on his knees. “Lucas more than cares for you. He loves you.”
“No, he doesn’t. Actions speak louder than words. When my parents died, so did his love for me. That’s why he never wanted me.”
“Soaring Eagle tells me you fight all of the time. What was the fight about this time?”
“He was yelling at me for taking a walk. Can you believe that? I just took my morning stroll. I haven’t been able to go for a good walk in weeks, and he blew up at me for no reason.”
“It’s not even nine yet. When was this walk?”
“I’m lucky to know the day of the week.” They both smiled. “I don’t keep track of time. I always take my morning walk after I wake. We’d had an argument last night about him bringing me here, and walking clears my mind. I came in and asked if I could go on his run with him. I thought we could use the time to get to know each other again. That’s when he blew up at me. All he had to say was he didn’t want me along. He didn’t have to yell at me.”
He frowned. “He said he didn’t want you on the run with him?”
“He said I couldn’t go on walks anymore by myself. What that has to do with anything, I don’t know.”
Pops slapped his leg. “Now, I see. You didn’t tell him you were going on a walk, and he thought you’d run away. Why didn’t you tell him?”
“In all honesty, I’d forgotten. I’m not used to telling people my whereabouts.”
He took her hand. “This was a misunderstanding, Joy. He was upset because he thought you ran away. Anything could have happened to you. He yelled because he was worried and scared. I’m not saying he should yell at you, but I’m sure that’s why he did.”
She pulled her hand away and cuddled into the pillow. “Worried about me? I don’t think so. He wants to control me. That’s why he took me off my mountain. That’s why he won’t allow me to walk freely.”
“You’re not being fair, Joy. You said actions speak louder than words. You’re mad because you say he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want you. Then you’re mad because he shows he lov
es you by protecting you from dangers you don’t know about. He shows he wanted you by taking you into his home. You can’t have it both ways, Joy. Either way he loses.”
Joy thought about Pops’ words. She had been a double-edge sword. Lucas couldn’t win.
Pops continued, saying, “This is deeper than you taking a walk, isn’t it?” She nodded. “This is about his leaving you on the mountain.”
Before she could comment, he held up his hands. “I’m not asking what happened. I’m asking what you want to happen from now on? Do you want to continue punishing yourself and Lucas, or do you want to continue with your life? You must forgive or you will never find peace.”
She sat up and opened her arms. He smiled and hugged her. “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk.”
She looked into his eyes. “I thought I’d forgiven Lucas, but then he made me mad, and I said things I’d had bottled up for years. I actually felt better after I blew up. Then I came here and felt alone. Like I’d just lost my last piece of family. I love him. I mean, Lucas, but… I don’t know. I guess I’m insecure about how he feels about me. I can’t explain it. I want him to want me. I always have.” Emotionally drained, she just wanted to sleep.
Pops covered her. “He loves you, Joy. Give him a chance to show you. I’ll speak with him and tell him not to smother you. You have to do your part also. Try to be more considerate of his feelings. This is new for him. He has a beautiful young lady he’s responsible for.”
“I’ll try.”
The battle-torn, ragged shell of a man who walked into Pops’ shop couldn’t be the young determined Lucas he knew. “It can’t be that bad.”
Lucas leaned on the counter. “It’s worse. Much worse. I’m looking for my niece, Joy. Have you seen her?”
Journey's End Page 11
