“I love you,” he whispers against my lips.
“I love you, too,” I murmur back.
“I’ve lost someone that I loved to him already. I can’t bear for you to be tortured by him, although I can’t bear to be away from you either. It’s a double-edged sword. I’ve struggled everyday with what the right decision was… is. I know that I can’t stay away, but I also can’t stay close. Not when I know I’m the reason for -”
“Shhh,” I soothe, cutting him off. “Don’t talk like that, please. Not now.”
We’re both quiet for a long time again. I don’t think that I want to know what he’s thinking about. Probably more reasons to leave or stay away. I shudder as our last day appears unbidden, screaming back to the forefront of my mind, and he pulls me to him when he’s felt my quivering frame against him.
“What’s this?” he asks, abruptly changing to a lighter subject.
I pull back and can see that he’s looking to my wrist. He sits up and delicately lifts my left hand and spins the gold bracelet my mother has given me around so that he’s able to read the inscription.
“A gift?” he asks curiously.
“From my mom.” I nod.
“I feel as though no truer words have ever been spoken,” he murmurs in a gruff voice. “I wish that I had thought to get you something.”
“I don’t need anything. I’ve got everything I need right here.” I say, pointing my finger to his chest.
He kisses me – no doubt in an effort to distract me – and says, “Happy Christmas, Breckin.”
“It is now,” I smile.
He laughs and it’s so good to hear. “Does this mean that you’ve forgiven me?”
“Liam, I’d already forgiven you before there was anything to forgive you for. You did what you thought you had to do. I can’t fault you for something you thought was right. Do I think that it was the right thing…? Obviously no, but…”
“I am so sorry,” he repeats.
“Stop it,” I snap. Liam’s mouth turns up at the side just a little as he fights a smile in reaction to my tone. I continue like I haven’t noticed. “Of course I didn’t know why you thought you had to at the time, but it all sort of makes sense now. But for you to think that I’d be better off without you…,” I say in a soft tone, shaking my head.
“I know.”
“Do you?” I retort. He flinches back. “Liam, why in the hell would you ever think that I’d be better off without you? I know why you did it, but how could you do it? You say it killed you to be without me, but you did it.”
My voice is getting louder. Such strong and strange emotions I seem to be feeling now. The more I think of Liam forcing misery upon himself and then, too, knowing neither one of us had to ever go through any of it – it was just his way of being protective so-to-speak – it’s exasperating. First I couldn't control the crying, and now I feel so enraged with anger and frustration that I think I’ll explode.
“You forced me to do it. I felt actual physical pain when I was without you. I tried fighting it, but I couldn’t. Every day was such a struggle. My heart almost stopped beating that day.” He flinches again. “I… I… I am so lost without you, Liam. I’m not a whole person without you. I can’t exactly explain it, but it felt like my entire world had been blown off kilter.”
On the edge of hysteria now.
“I don't understand how it was so easy for you to be without me. Was it easier… because… you were able to ignore me from day to day? To act as if I didn't exist? Was it easier because I… really meant… so little to you…?”
I wait for him to respond, calming my labored breaths and fighting back more tears. Only the tears threatening to spill over now are ones of anger and disappointment. When he finally manages to answer, his voice is so low I have to strain to hear him.
“After all I’ve just told you, you still think that you really meant so little to me? That you meant nothing?”
Oh, no. Is he mad? My lip quivers and I raise my shoulders in one big over-exaggerated I-don't-know-what-to-think way.
“Watching you every day was unbearable. I felt as though I’d lost my entire self when I watched you drive off that day. The further you drove, the more of myself went with you. I felt completely empty and meaningless. And to have that as our last memory…” he shakes his head. “I couldn’t stand for you to remember me as the monster I pretended to be. But I’d convinced myself that if that is what it took for you to stay away from me, then I’d become emotionless, heartless. I'd be the complete opposite of what you needed. I’ve had a lot of experience being someone that is completely cold and shut off. I thought that if I pushed you away, then it’d be easier for you. But then to see what I’d done to you was suffering in the highest level. I didn’t think that I would affect you in that way. I didn’t think that you loved me as much as I do you. Even though you’d already shown me more love in the short time we were together than anyone ever has, I still didn’t believe it. But the way you clung to me outside in the rain and the way the light in your eyes burned out the moment I said those awful things... that was a moment I’ll never forget and a moment I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. Funnily enough, that’s when I finally knew how much you loved me.
“After that, I’d see you smile, but it was never the kind to light up your face. I’d see you with your friends, but could tell that you were only there in body – never really seeing what was in front of you. I could tell that your mind was somewhere else and I’d fight to wonder if you were thinking about me. I struggled with myself time and time again with the urge I felt to come back to you. And it killed me to ignore it. It was never easy. Not one second passed that I wasn’t thinking about you or seeing you in my mind. Being without you is like trying to breathe under water. I am so, sor-”
“Don’t,” I say, placing a finger to his lips.
“How can you ask such a question?” he asks against my skin.
“Well… you were pretty convincing.”
“I put on a better show than I thought,” he answers glumly. “I’m sorry that I made you think that you didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t expect you to really believe that one. Breckin, you’re everything to me. You are my day and my night, my sun and my moon, and the stars and the horizon they shine in. I love you. And I’ll love you until the day I die, and even after that. But can you still love me as I do you?”
“You know I do. I’ll never stop. It’s not possible. I know this may sound ridiculous, but you’re meant to be in my life. I know that, I can feel it.”
“But can you forgive me?” he asks again. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness. So I’m perfectly comfortable with groveling if that will make it better.”
“Stop apologizing! You’ve said that you’re sorry enough to last a life time, Liam. And please don’t grovel, that’s not what I want you to do.”
“Then what do you want me to do?
“I just want you to be with me. Always. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t want you to ever leave me. It’s obvious that neither of us is any good without the other, so let’s not try another go at it. Okay?”
“Okay,” he smiles sadly. “Deal.”
“Crap!” I exclaim in sudden worry. It seems that having Liam with me again isn’t going to fix my erratic brain spasms. That will probably take time. Maybe I’ve become slightly bipolar.
“What?” he almost shouts in response to my change of mood.
“What time is it? Crap, crap,” I repeat as I reluctantly leave his arms and head for the kitchen. Liam is right behind me as I knew he would be. I duck into the fridge pulling out the roast. “Damn. I was supposed to put this thing in the oven at three-thirty – or was it three – so it would be done in time for dinner.”
“What does the oven temperature need to be?” Liam asks as he reaches over me to turn the old, outdated oven dial. He has one hand at the small of my back.
“Three-fifty…? Aww, now I have to waste more time and wait
for it to heat up. Ugh.”
“We don’t have to waste any time,” Liam purrs seductively as he turns me to face him.
I eye him suspiciously and he laughs. It’s so good to hear his laugh and it makes me laugh, too. He hugs me against his body and I can feel him smelling my hair. I stay happily in his embrace with my face buried into his chest until I have to let go after the oven beeps letting me know that it’s reached the set temperature. I pick up the heavy roasting pan and Liam opens the oven door for me.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. How long for the timer?” he asks.
“Don’t bother. It has to be in there for like three hours. I’ll just have to remember to check it with a meat thermometer around then.”
“I’ll help you remember,” he promises.
“Does this mean that you’ll be staying awhile?” I ask as I allow another huge smile to surface.
“I’ve been without you for far too long. I’m not going anywhere for quite some time. Your mum might just have to kick me out. Although…” he travels off as his face becomes sad.
“Hey. None of that. I won’t allow it.”
He shrugs and tries composing his face back to a happier one. “So, what shall we do now?” he says as a devilish smile appears across his angelic face.
“Well, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you already have something in mind.”
He leans down to kiss me and I can tell that he’s smiling beneath my lips. Our private moment is interrupted by a high-pitched voice singing in delight.
“YAY!” Sera exclaims as she bounds in, clapping her hands together.
I jump.
“What’s wrong?” Liam asks.
“Nothing,” I answer, rolling my eyes. “I hate it when you do that.” There’s really no point in thinking to answer Sera. Liam knows all about her, so why hide that she’s here?
“What did I do?” he says as he releases me. “I’m sorry, I…”
“Not you. And quit apologizing, please. Sera’s here.”
“Oh. Oh.” Liam’s expression turns slightly wary, so I grasp his face inside my hands. I wait until he looks at me to speak.
“It’s fine,” I say, nodding. He nods too, but still looks anxiously unsure. “He’s not here. If it bothers you though, I can just speak to her with my thoughts.”
“What?” Liam blurts in confusion.
“Oh,” I answer feeling a little chagrined. “Did I not tell you that part before? That I can converse with her using just my thoughts?”
“Um, no.”
“It’s just her. I can’t talk to anyone else that way. But if it’d make you more comfortable, I’ll talk to her, er... silently.”
“I don’t expect you to hide her presence. It's part of who you are. You don't have to ignore it or push it aside for me. It's just going to take some getting used to, so please just be patient with me.”
“Of course I will be.” I hug him tightly. “I've missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you, too. But, Breckin, if Sera is here does that mean that... he's...”
“No. He's not here.” I assure. “They don’t travel in packs.”
“Ha ha.”
“Nope, but that doesn’t mean he won’t just show up. We need to figure out what we’re going to do,” Sera says as she comes around to stand next to us.
“Not right now. I’m busy, now go away,” I snap.
“Okay, you’re talking to her… right?” Liam says as he looks around.
“Yes. She’s being pushy.”
“I’m being thorough,” Sera interjects. “You need to tell him and stop getting sidetracked. That’s the real reason you asked Liam to come here today. Remember?”
I grind my teeth together and mash my lips into a hard line.
“What is it?” Liam asks.
I blow out a hard breath. “I guess I need to tell you why I asked you here today.” Happy now?, I think sarcastically.
“Not entirely,” Sera answers. “Keep going.”
I blow out a second gust of air.
“Still waiting,” she probes.
Still being pushy!
“What’s going on, Breckin?” Liam says after reading my face. His tone is soft, but I can see the worry in his eyes.
“Um…” I’m stalling. “Well, it’s nothing. Just don’t freak out, okay?” He raises one eyebrow. “Okay, well it’s just that Joseph -”
“He doesn’t know his name,” Sera interrupts.
“Oh, yeah. That’s his name, the one who keeps coming around, the one that makes me… well, you know.” Liam’s arms are rigid by his sides, but I ignore it and continue. “Anyway, Sera has discovered that he doesn’t know he’s died. Joseph doesn’t get that he’s not… amongst the living anymore and she thinks that’s why he’s still here… because he keeps trying to talk to you…” I say the last few words slowly as I’m unsure how he’ll handle this part.
Liam’s bright eyes abruptly focus on mine. Fury is all I see there, aqua beginning to fade to that peculiar blue-gray shade.
“Yeah… so if I can, or if Sera can… or whichever,” I’m rambling now but I don’t know how to explain this. And Liam’s sudden anger has me tongue-tied.
“Can what?” he asks harshly.
“Um, if one of us, or both of us, can convince him that he’s passed, then maybe he’ll crossover, um, go to Heaven. That way he can’t bother you anymore. That's why I asked you to come here today. Sera thought that if he followed you, that I might be able to talk to him and convince him to leave.”
Liam narrows his eyes. “You were hoping he’d follow me here?”
“Yeah, kind of.”
“You wanted to see him?”
“Well, not like that. I wanted to...”
“Are you crazy?” Liam interrupts, showing signs of the frustration I’d felt before. “Breckin, why the hell would you do that to yourself?”
“Because, Liam. Don't you understand?” Now I’m the one who is frustrated. “You'll never truly feel that you can be with me unless he’s gone. I thought it was my one chance to get you back. But he didn’t follow you. He’s not here. So now we need another plan.”
“So what does this plan involve? I’d imagine there’s more to it than what you’ve just told me.” Liam’s tone isn’t as callous now, but there is still a definite edge to it. “I’m sure it involves you coming in harm’s way?”
“I’m not sure,” I answer quietly. I look over to Sera and she shrugs her small shoulders.
“You’re a lot of help.” I snap.
“Excuse me?” Liam retorts.
“No. Sera. Sorry, this can get confusing.”
“Okay, you finish up here and I’m going to keep trying to figure out what to do,” Sera says as she begins to fade. “I’ve got to meet with some people.”
Take your time, I think coolly. She sticks her tongue out at me and vanishes.
“Okay,” I sigh. “She’s gone.” Liam is still rigid in front of me. I reach out to him and wrap my arms around his waist. “It’s okay,” I soothe.
“What exactly about this situation is okay? Please tell me, because I’m failing to see.” Now I’m the one to flinch. Liam notices and seems to thaw out a little. He wraps his arms around me then, too, and allows his eyes to close. “Breckin, I don’t like the thought of you being anywhere near him.”
“I understand that, but I have to do this. Otherwise you’ll always be convinced that you have to stay away. It’s not like you can protect me from a ghost, anyway. He’ll just show up whenever he feels like it.”
Liam tenses again, and he tries to turn his face so that I can’t see his expression. That’s when realization hits. I don’t know why it’s taken me all this time to see. But that’s all Liam wants. To protect me. I know that he feels responsible, and the only way he feels he can make it right is to protect me from Joseph. And being he can’t, I can see that he feels useless and weak even. Two emotions that do not rest well with him.
“It’s okay,” I repeat, trailing my fingertips along his cheekbone.
“I can’t believe you'd do that,” he says in disbelief.
“Do what?”
“Purposely subject yourself to him. With the way he makes you feel. I can't believe you'd willingly put yourself in harm’s way.”
“I would do anything for you.”
I’m not expecting his next reaction. Suddenly and without warning, Liam has his hands to my hips and lifts me to the kitchen counter so that I’m sitting directly in front of him. I look to him with wide, stunned eyes and try to remember how to breathe as he leans in to kiss me. After a minute or two, he moves his mouth to my ear and whispers, “Is there anyone else here?”
“Uh… what?”
“Are there any other… visitors standing by?” He playfully nips at my earlobe.
I do a quick glance around. “No,” I whisper.
“That’s a good thing,” he says in a low voice.
“Oh?”
“Mm-hmm,” he murmurs with his lips pressed against my neck.
Next thing I know, Liam has my face cupped in his hands and he’s kissing me again. But it’s in a way that makes me almost feel afraid. It’s hard and insistent. Desperate. His hands are firm against my skin as he presses his lips to mine in an urgency that I don’t quite understand. I don’t want to pull away, but it doesn’t feel right. It feels off, as if he’s kissing me for the last time. I strain to allow my brain to think of a reason behind it.
“Promise me you’ll never leave me,” Liam breathes into my hair. He then pulls away and buries his face into my chest. I hug him tightly to my body as he continues to plead with me. “I know that I won’t survive it if something happens to you. Promise me. Say it. Say you promise.”
Realization hits me like a whip. Pain. Loss. That’s what Liam is feeling. And there’s a reason for it.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, turning his face up to mine. I try to read his eyes, but he’s being very careful not to let me see directly into them again.
“Just say you'll promise,” he pleads.
Hollow Sight Page 41
