He closed his eye, destroyed in ways the fire that had scarred him hadn’t been able to. Derek gripped his cane reflexively, his mother’s words slamming into him like a kick to the gut. …you came back this monster. Surely you do not expect you can go about Society looking so…? “It was all a lie,” he whispered. He gripped the snifter so hard, the blood drained from his knuckles.
“No,” Lily positioned herself between him and the sideboard so close her breasts brushed his chest. She took his face in her delicate and perfect hands. “It is not true.”
He flinched as the satiny smoothness of her touch upon his bumped and raised flesh highlighted the absolute lie to her protestations. Derek shook his head, wishing to be the cold, heartless man he’d been before her so that her betrayal didn’t even now rouse this agonizing pressure in his chest. “That is enough,” Derek said, his words hoarse and weak.
The muscles of her throat bobbed. “I need you to understand. My reasons for being here changed.”
He gave his head a sad shake, dislodging her touch, and only feeling all the colder for that loss. “All along I believed you were here for freedom from the position you’d had as a mistress and I did not condemn you for the life you lived.” Her lower lip trembled and he shifted his focus away from that telltale sign of her misery or else risk becoming further lost in this deceptive masquerade she’d sucked him into, where reality was nothing more than a dressed up falsity. “But you were not here for anything other than revenge against my brother and a thirst for a diamond.”
“No,” she whispered. “I never wanted it.” Her eyes, windows into her soul, bled with regret and pain. Then, with a guilty glimmer in the endless depths, she slid her gaze away from his.
At last, it all made sense; the ease with which she’d defied his orders and wandered the halls of his house. All the times he’d found her in his empty office. It had never been about him. No. She’d been here for no other reason than to steal from him. The pain of that lanced his heart and he wanted to toss his head back and howl like a true, savage beast. “Get out,” he said in hushed tones.
Lily jerked as though she’d been struck but, with a hasty curtsy, grabbed her box and bolted for the door. “Of course.” Her barely there whisper came so faint he strained to hear. She stumbled over herself in her haste to back away from him. She reached the front of the room and paused with her fingers on the handle. “It was not a lie,” she said, not taking her gaze from the wood panel. “I have been a whore and a liar and d-d…” Her voice cracked and he squeezed his eye shut, pain ripping at his insides, shredding him. “And done a number of things I wish I could undo, but I cannot. Those are sins I will always carry with me. I came here intending to steal from you.” She drew in a shuddering sigh and the aching sadness of that sound brought his eye open. She faced him once more.
The muscles of his stomach contracted and he gripped the edge of his sideboard.
Do not let her deceive you… do not let her have you play the fool once again…
“I never wanted to be another man’s whore, Derek. I wanted so desperately to disappear and carve out a new life where no one knew who I was.” She sucked in a slow breath. “What I was,” she amended. “I didn’t believe there could be more for me.” She held his gaze squarely. “Until I met you, and you made me feel, made me see there was more. There was you, and Flora…”
The muscles of his throat worked. Ah, stop, or I will be completely and irrevocably lost.
“I came here intending to steal from you, but you were the one who stole something. You stole my heart, and whether you wish it or not, it will always belong—to you.” She turned to go, when her gaze lingered upon his well-worn leather winged back seat, and then she looked about the room. This office had been the first place he’d seen her. How very fitting that this should also be the last.
“Lily,” he said quietly, when she again made to leave. “Was any of it real?”
“Everything…” she said, her voice cracking.
More lies. He cursed roundly and her cheeks flushed red.
“I will have my belongings packed,” she said quietly and made to leave once more.
That was it? She would leave so easily, so effortlessly without any further compunction? Did you expect anything else? She’d only been here for one thing, after all. Derek growled. “Halt.”
She turned back. “Your Grace?”
Something about that grating use of his title set his teeth on edge. By God, he was The Beast and His Grace, to all. With her, she’d been different. Or I wanted her to be. Pain squeezed so hard at his heart, how was there not a mark of blood upon his chest? She was no different… but she was still no less useful. Her purpose still no less necessary. “You are not leaving.”
She tipped her head at an endearing angle. A black curl slipped from her artful arrangement and tumbled down her shoulder. Which only put him with reminders of her as she’d been with those luxuriant tresses draped about them. Lust slammed into him and he focused on that safe, empty desiring for her body; that was safer than the stirrings inside his chest.
He folded his arms and passed a glance over her. That up and down scrutiny brought her shoulders back. God, she was magnificent in her indignation, a regality to rival the proudest of queens. “I still have not decided what I am to do with you.” For when she was gone, the last glimmer of light in his otherwise dark world would be forever extinguished. He rolled his shoulders.
Lily pursed her lips and, for a long moment, he expected her to launch into a familiar scolding. “You would keep me a prisoner here, then?”
Derek propped his hip on the sideboard. “Would you find Newgate preferable?”
The color leeched from her cheeks. She sucked in her breath and agony sluiced through him. Even with her lies and deception, God help him, he loved her so. Madness. His judgment was as faulty as his vision. For he could no sooner send the lady off to Newgate than he could carve out his remaining eye.
“We are through here for now, Miss Benedict.” Now and forever.
Tears filled her eyes. “Derek,” she whispered, pulling that damning box closer to her chest. “I—”
Swallowing a curse, he shoved away from her. “You are dismissed.”
Lily hesitated and, for one sliver of a broken heartbeat, he thought she would issue protestations; thought she would vow her love and explain away the damning evidence in that bloody box she carried so close.
Instead, she dropped her gaze to the floor and walked from the room, leaving him as he’d been for a long time before her—alone.
Chapter 23
Early the next morning, Lily lay abed staring up at that imperfect ceiling. By Derek’s discovery last night and his very clear threats of Newgate, she should be filled with suitable terror over her fate. She rolled onto her side and looked to the floor-length window. The crimson and burnt orange rays of the early morning sun penetrated the thin crack in the curtains, spilling into the room with a fiery glow.
Yet, where self-preservation and security had driven her into this very household, now there was nothing but a hollow emptiness. For so many years, she’d lived for no one but herself and thoughts of her own future. But what was a future with no one in it? What were security or safety and fine cottages tucked on the edge of the world if there was no one to share that world with?
Her lips twisted. How ironic to realize as much, too late. With a frustrated sigh, she sprawled backward on her bed and it groaned in protest.
A faint knock sounded once at the door. Lily looked across the room at the ormolu clock atop the mantel. She squinted in the dimly lit space to bring those numbers into focus. Five o’clock. She looked to the door once more. No doubt she’d merely imagined—
Rap. Another muffled knock split the morning quiet.
Who would have need of her at this hour? Who, other than… Her breath caught on a sharp gasp. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and jumped to her feet. Fluttering a hand about her heart, she stared at
that wooden panel. Movements fueled by hope, Lily raced across the room. She yanked the door open with such force the figure on the other side of that door toppled into the room.
“Forgive me, ma’am,” the young maid said breathlessly, righting herself.
Lily shot a hand out to help steady the girl. “Claudia,” she said, regret tingeing her words.
“Ma’am,” the girl repeated. She cleared her throat. A blush stained her cheeks and she averted her gaze. “I’ve been sent to assist you.” Lily hovered at the doorway and then pushed the door closed as Claudia advanced further into the room. “Quite early.” She hummed to herself. “Quite early, indeed,” she paused mid-song to repeat. With precise movements, she made her way to the armoire positioned at the center of the room.
“Assist me?” Lily stared at her blankly as a pit settled in her belly. He is going to send me away. Surely not. Surely not in this remote manner. Surely there would be a goodbye and…something. Something more than this. She gripped the edge of the hard wood panel with such force her nails bit into the wood. Feeling adrift on the water without any oars, Lily continued to stand and watch as Claudia tossed open the armoire doors and drew out a serviceable day dress.
Wordlessly, the young woman helped her through her morning ablutions and then, instead of taking her leave, returned to the armoire and proceeded to fill her arms with Lily’s handful of satin dresses.
“What are you doing?” she asked, those words so faintly spoken, she barely heard them herself.
Through that inquiry, Claudia continued rushing back and forth from armoire to bed. “What are you doing?” she repeated, this time unable to keep the frantic note of desperation from her question.
Claudia looked up from her task. Regret lined her face. “Oh, ma’am,” she whispered. She froze mid-step and drew the blue satin gown with black overlay close to her chest. “You do not know?”
Lily clenched and unclenched the fabric of her dress. “Do not know what?” she asked, not even requiring an answer. She knew precisely what the young woman would say.
“His Grace has ordered you gone.” Oh, God. Even expecting it as she’d been, her legs buckled and she shot her hands out searching for purchase. He would so easily turn her out. An eerie reminiscence to another moment much like this flooded in. Only she’d been a girl of sixteen, crying and pleading, while her belongings were hastily thrown into the same valise in a similar manner. …You are a whore. There is no place for you here… An agonized moan ripped from her throat.
Claudia relinquished the gowns in her hands and raced across the room. “No, no, ma’am,” she said softly, chewing at her lower lip. She flung an arm about Lily’s shoulders and guided her across the room. “It is not a statement of your work.” She pursed her lips and a hard glint lit her eyes, giving the innocent young woman a hardened edge that belied the innocent she’d first met a week ago. “It is a testament to the beast he truly is.”
“He is no beast,” Lily forced out past a thickened throat and gratefully claimed a seat upon the mattress. For even with his callous removal of her from his life, Derek was still a man who loved deeply and defended those deserving of it. She’d merely been one who’d duped him and then stolen those gifts as though she had a right to them.
“Tsk, tsk. Rushing you out in this manner?” The young woman gave her head a shake. “Not at all good of him, ma’am, and for all you’ve done for His Grace and the girl.”
For all she’d done? She’d come here with the most dishonest of intentions, garnered his trust, and then ultimately betrayed him with her presence here. No, Claudia did not know all those pieces. She only knew the impossibly cool façade Derek presented to the world. Lily, however, had seen past that to the man he was; the one who longed to be loved and know that sentiment in return—a man who’d given up on the hope of it. “He is a good man,” she said quietly. A man who was wholly deserving of a good woman’s heart. A lady. Not the whore who’d lain with his brother.
Claudia made a noncommittal noise and rushed to continue packing Lily’s belongings. As each garment disappeared within that worn and tattered valise, panic grew inside her breast; with past and present melding into one horrifyingly ambiguity she could not sort out. A peculiar numbness took away all hurt, all pain, all feeling so she felt nothing but a hollow emptiness. Lily’s throat worked.
Once, not too long ago, she would have been focused on nothing but her own uncertain future and security. Now, it mattered not. Nothing did, beyond losing him and the life they might have lived together. Tears filled her eyes.
How very neatly and effortlessly Derek had cut her from the fabric of his life. With his harsh ducal command yesterday, he’d relegated her to more prisoner than servant, and now—not even that. The sunlight filtered through the drawn curtains, mockingly cheerful with its false brightness.
And when the last article was packed and she was scuttled off, the only joy she’d ever truly known would exist as nothing more than a painful memory. Of Derek. Of Flora. Oh, God. Lily climbed to her feet. This loss was greater than any other she’d known. George, she’d never loved him. She’d been infatuated with him the way any naïve girl might be of a lofty lord. Not this love she had for Derek; a sentiment that had the power to cut her open and heal her all at the same time.
The maid clicked the valise closed and looked questioningly up. “Ma’am?”
Lily dimly registered the tears staining her cheeks and she turned away, discreetly brushing her hands over those useless mementos. “I am ready.” She’d leave as Derek ordered, but she would at least see Flora one more time. To leave without so much as a parting would only fuel the idea the girl had never been anything more than her charge. “I would make my goodbyes to Lady Flora.” Her voice cracked, and she turned to go.
The floorboards creaked as Claudia raced across the room. She shot a hand about Lily’s forearm and gave her a look that was both regretful and determined. “No, ma’am. He will not allow it.”
“But—”
“He has a footman waiting outside your room to escort you to the carriage. It has been readied.”
A half-laugh, half-sob lodged in her throat. “The c-carriage?” she managed. He truly did see her as nothing more than a thief in his home. The carriage that would bring her…where? She slid her eyes closed, as that age-old panic crept in. The same terror of being alone, reliant upon only herself to survive in a cold and grasping world. Lily forced her eyes open and managed a jerky nod. “Very well,” she said tightly. “But I will speak to Der—His Grace,” she amended, “before I go.” For what? What is there to say? I’ve given him my love and apologies. Neither is strong enough to erase his mistrust and my own crimes.
“I’m sorry,” Claudia said gently. “He’ll not allow it.”
Lily folded her arms close and squeezed tight. How coldly impersonal this departure was, her sacking. Dictatorial, more than anything. He could not even bring himself to speak to her. The agony of that sucked the breath from her lungs.
Claudia added Lily’s box to her valise and snapped it closed with a decisive click that rang of finality. It is over. Never again would she see Derek. Touch him. Talk to him and with him. His life would continue as it had been before her, as though she’d never existed. She sucked in a shuddering breath.
The young maid picked up the bag, jolting her to the moment. Numbed, Lily held out trembling fingers. “I will see to my belongings.”
“Of course, ma’am.” Claudia handed it over and started for the door when she suddenly stopped and looked back. “You deserved better than this place and this end, ma’am.” Her eyes misted. “We both did. The world is not a kind place, is it?” And yet, with her sunny disposition and ever-present smile one such as her knew nothing of the blackness that existed. Not in the way Lily did.
They stepped into the hall where a burly footman stood in wait. The muscles of his forearms strained the crimson fabric of his liveried uniform. He reached for her bag and she waved him off with a murm
ured thanks. With a slight nod, he waited for her to move and then he fell into step alongside her and Claudia.
How very easily Claudia could have gone on and see to her morning duties and, yet, she remained with Lily until she should leave. That gentle support tugged at her heart and she blinked to see past the tears clouding her vision. In this house, she’d known more kindness and love than she’d known since she’d been cast out. She shot one more glance over her shoulder at her rooms and then beyond to Flora’s. How could a person come to mean so very much to her in such a short time? A sob stuck in her throat and she buried it with her hand.
“Tsk, tsk, none of that,” Claudia chided.
As she silently followed the maid from the halls, she cast another last look back at her chambers and Flora’s rooms. Quiet, devoid of life, there was something both eerie and peaceful in the duke’s corridors, all at the same time. Lily reached the end of the corridor and made to go right down the hall toward the main foyer when Claudia held a hand up.
She gave a sheepish look. “His Grace would have you use the servants’ entrance.”
She jerked. The servants’ entrance. Of course, that was the only role she’d served here—to him. To Lily, the fragile relationship they’d built as two broken souls who’d for a too-brief moment had stolen happiness in one another had been something so much more. “Of course,” she managed to rasp out. She tightened her grip reflexively about the handle of her valise, curling her fingers so tight they went numb from her hold. With her shoulders squared, she started down the corridor, past those now coldly triumphant, ducal ancestors.
They descended the narrow set of stairs. She blinked in an attempt to adjust her eyes to the darkened space. Claudia stole a quick look about. Did she avoid Lily’s eyes? Then their gazes collided and there was a fleeting flash of guilt, gone as quickly as it had come. “Thomas will show you to the carriage, Miss Bennett.”
She angled to face the girl. Pinpricks of unease dotted her skin as Claudia made to step around her. “You called me Miss Bennett.”
Lords of Honor-The Collection Page 77
