He closed his eye a moment, savoring the solid, reassuring weight of her in his arms. When he had her away from here and safe, he was never letting her go. He would beg her forgiveness, and make her his duchess, and give her everything she’d ever deserved of life. “Miss Bennett,” he said hoarsely. “You have always had a flare for the dramatics.”
Her head lolled limp, hanging over his arm, giving her the look of a rag doll.
Oh, God. Do not be dead. Do not be dead. You are happiness and light, and I’ve been a bloody stubborn fool, too blind to see that which was truly before me. Derek broke through the entrance and sucked in great gasping breaths of air. As the fire raged within the cottage, he limped faster over the cobbled path lined with flowers, away, further away, and then he collapsed to his knees. He dimly registered a tall, slender gentleman breaking through the brush. Shock slammed into him as Harris raced forward. The servant skidded to a halt before him, kicking up gravel and dirt. “Harris?” he rasped. What in blazes?
“Surely you did not believe I would not come to help you?” His butler reached for the burden in Derek’s arms.
At that undeserved devotion, Derek’s throat worked spasmodically. “See to Flora.” Lowering Lily to the earth, he allowed himself to finally look at her. The air escaped him on a slow hiss. The sight of her blackened eyes and bloodied nose gutted him and he leaned over her prone form. “You are not to die, Lily,” he begged, his tone hoarse from the smoke and the desperation cloying at him. “I am nothing without you. And I’ll not have you die because of that blasted diamond.” He tapped her pale, white cheek with his hand once. Twice. And a third time. “Damn it, Lily, open your eyes.”
“She is dead?”
A dull humming filled his ears as agony dragged the breath from his lungs and threatened to suffocate him. It took a moment for him to register that those words belonged to another. He jerked his head about. Flora hovered and her tear-filled eyes remained fixed on Lily.
Derek gave his head a brusque shake. “No.” The hoarse denial exploded from his lips. “I. Forbid. It,” he bit out. He returned his efforts to Lily. Damn you, open your bloody eyes. “Do you hear that Lily Bennett? You must stay here with me and Flora. We both need you and I’ll not have you selfishly leave us to our own devices.” He laid his head to her chest. “Please.” The entreaty burst forth as a broken sob. I cannot exist in a world in which you are not here. If she left him, all the light would be gone and he’d be plunged into a forever darkness. “I love you.”
A fluttering hand brushed his hair and he jerked his head up. His heart tripped a beat. “Lily?” he demanded hoarsely.
Her lashes fluttered. The ghost of a smile trembled on her full mouth, as she ran her shaking fingers over his cheek. “Derek?” she whispered. He leaned into that butterfly soft caress.
“What, love?” he begged. Whatever she sought, was hers. He would lay the world at her feet if she but let him.
“Y-you are h-hopelessly commanding,” her voice emerged strained. “Do you know that?”
A strangled laugh escaped him as he gathered her close. “I have one more command to issue. Love me, forever.”
Chapter 26
Lily stood in the corner of the chambers she’d occupied at Derek’s home. She stared out the window into the crowded streets below. She traced her fingertip over the windowpane. Lords and ladies moved arm in arm down the fashionable Mayfair Street, while dandies rushed by in their extravagant phaetons. Odd, how all those pillars of the peerage should go about with such an absolute simplicity, when she, Flora, and Derek had been thrust into a hell of Mr. Lucas Holdsworth’s making.
It had been a week since her and Flora’s abduction and in that time, Derek had been perfectly polite and proper and attentive. Yet there had been no further words of love. Lily’s heart caught. She’d begun to believe that command he’d issued outside the blazing cottage had been nothing more than a conjuring she’d dreamed up.
The door opened and her heart started at the precious little child who noisily closed the door behind her. “Are you never coming out, Mrs. Benedict?” she asked without preamble, skipping over to Lily. So wholly innocent, with no mention or talk of the danger they’d faced at Holdsworth’s hands. Oh, at just shy of eight, how much more courageous she was than Lily.
“Hello, Flora,” she began. “I—”
“I asked Uncle Derek and he just grumbled mphpmph.”
Furrowing her brow, Lily stared back questioningly.
Her former charge lifted her shoulders in a little shrug. “Youuu know Uncle Derek.”
Despite the misery that had dogged her since that fateful day, a smile tugged at her lips. Oh, how she was going to miss this child. “I do know him,” she said softly. She knew his heart and soul were equally good. She knew he was honorable when most men were not. And she knew when she walked out of this townhouse, her heart would never, ever be healed.
Flora took another bold step closer and leaning up on tiptoe, peered at Lily. “You are not going to l-leave, are you?” And for all the courage in this child, the faint tremor hinted at the little girl who’d known too much loss.
“Oh, sweet.” Her voice cracked and she folded her arms around the child who, with her uncle, had helped put Lily’s broken heart together.
“I say you must stay.” She buried her face into Lily’s dress, muffling her words. “My uncle loves you and you should stay and be his wife, and we shall be a family and—”
Tears welled in her eyes and she was never more grateful than for the quick rap at the door. “Enter,” she called out. She could not bear this.
Dr. Carlson stepped inside. His face wreathed, as usual, in warm smile. “Hello, Lady Flora,” he greeted, carrying his doctor’s bag over.
Turning, the girl looked over at him. “Hullo, Dr. Carlson.”
Lily drew back and gave the little girl’s shoulders a slight squeeze. “Dr. Carlson is here to visit with me. I will not be long.” For this home, this life. Any of it. Her heart contracted with grief.
“Oh, very well,” Flora said on an exaggerated sigh and then with the same ease she’d popped in and out since Lily had arrived, she slipped out of the room, closing the door in her wake.
Tears clogging her throat, she looked back to the window.
“You are quiet this day, Miss Bennett.”
Miss Bennett. Yes, there was no such pretense for false names anymore, was there? Lily angled her head and looked at the young doctor as he placed his instruments back inside his black bag after examining her. As his words were an observation more than anything, she remained silent.
“How are you feeling?”
Like my heart is dying. Like I will never smile again. Blinking back the sheen misting her eyes, she turned. “I am well,” she said softly.
A wry grin curved the man’s lips. “Miss Bennett, as your doctor, I informed His Grace of that truth more than four days ago and he still insists I attend you.”
She chewed her lower lip. Why had Derek not turned her out? Held her responsible for Flora’s abduction? She was just as guilty as the maid, Claudia, who’d disappeared after her role in Holdsworth’s plan, only to be discovered, and sent to a penal colony for her complicity. Surely he saw Lily in the same light.
“The duke is stubborn.”
The windowpane reflected her rapidly blinking visage.
“He has spent years shutting the world from his life.” The doctor pulled on his gloves. “And with his mother’s disdain and Society’s cruelty, well, it is with understandable reasons.”
She wet her lips. “Why are you telling me this?” Lily well knew what had shaped Derek into the man he’d become. He was a hard man who’d not forgive easily.
“He let you in,” the doctor said at last. He held her stare. “And I hope you allow him to stay there.”
Unable to meet his piercing gaze, she looked at her slippers. “I have made mistakes. Unpardonable ones.” Crimes that had nearly cost a little girl her life and, as it
was, had irrevocably changed her. Lily curled her toes so tight her feet ached.
The doctor gave her a gentle smile. “None of us are without mistakes.” A knock sounded at the door and Dr. Carlson inclined his head. “If you will excuse me.”
She turned. Derek stood framed in the entrance impossibly elegant and magnificent in his black breeches, black coat, and stark white cravat. Their gazes locked and a wave of hot, indecipherable emotions passed in his eye. He moved his attention to Dr. Carlson.
“She is well, Your Grace,” the doctor said with a smile.
Derek inclined his head. He did not speak until Dr. Carlson had taken his leave. “Lily,” he greeted.
What was she to make of that curiously empty inflection? Did he intend to send her off, in truth? Did he wish to have her remain in the role of governess? Did he want more with her? She smoothed her palms down her skirts “Derek,” she said softly. And because she was too afraid to know that he’d come to his senses and realized the absolute truth, that a whore had no place in his household, but unable to hear him utter those words, Lily cleared her throat. “I have sent a missive to my family.”
He stilled.
Lily ran her palms together and studied them intently. “Everyone must go home sometime,” she clarified. “I thought perhaps that time might be now.”
“And what if they’ll not accept you back?” That gravelly question emerged as though forcibly dragged from him and Lily shot her head up. She’d not heard his approach. “What then?”
She shrugged. “It is not your responsibility. I’m not your responsibility.”
Derek shot a hand out, folding hers in a hold that was both gentle and, at the same time, powerful. “I am sorry you were exposed to that ugliness.”
So at last, after all these days, they would speak on it and not carefully skirt it for safer talks of the weather or no talks at all. She gave her head a shake. “You needn’t apologize. It is I who, through my connection with Holdsworth, brought that danger into your household.” She winced as guilt clawed at her.
“Oh, Lily, this was not your fault,” he said simply, as though in stating it, he made it fact. But then, wasn’t that the way of a duke? A man just a handful of steps removed from royalty could easily command and control. But Derek had never been that way. Even in his blustering shows of temper, he’d not treated her as a mere governess—but rather, as an equal. “Marry me,” he said quietly.
Her heart missed a beat and she swiftly yanked her gaze up to his. “What?”
Marry me.
“Marry me,” he repeated, raising her knuckles to his lips and brushing his mouth over the skin, sending warmth spreading from that point.
She slid her eyes closed as he dangled before her everything she’d never dreamed she could have—him. The tantalizing promise of forever in his arms was so close, and yet… She forced her eyes open. And yet it could never be farther away. This was not how this was to go.
Derek cupped her cheek in his hard palm and she started. “How was it to go?” he asked quietly, running the pad of his thumb over her lower lip.
“You were to hate me.” Lily managed to shake her head. Following Holdsworth’s machinations, Derek was to have reacted with disgust and shock and snarl like the beast he’d been professed to be. He’d have sent her off, just as he’d done with everyone else. Because magical moments didn’t happen to ordinary, flawed people. Life was hard and oftentimes impossible and those glimmers of light were so few, and so rare, that she’d long ago realized she dwelled in the shadows.
Derek brushed his lips against her temple in a fleeting kiss. “Oh, Lily, how could I ever hate you when my soul and heart are so inextricably intertwined with yours? Marry me,” he repeated with a ducal insistence in his gravelly tone.
Now he’d tempt her with the promise of light. Of their own volition, her eyes slid closed. Whores did not marry dukes. “Y-you cannot marry me.” The agonized words contained regret that came from deep inside her soul. “You cannot marry a woman who gave her innocence to your brother and who was mistress for six years to another man.”
He dropped his brow to hers. “I am a duke. I can do whatever I bloody well wish. And you are that wish.”
Derek touched his lips to hers in a gentle meeting. That delicate, soft caress was proof this was truly real and, on occasion, magical moments did happen to those ordinary, flawed people such as her. Lily tangled her hands about his neck and angled her head to receive his kiss. He parted her mouth with his and she allowed him entry, their tongues coming together in a joining born of more than mere desire and hungering, but of love and healing.
Then reality intruded its ugly head and she jerked her head back, pulling away from his kiss. “I cannot,” she rasped, stumbling from him.
He frowned and blinked several times. “Of course you can. You—”
“Stop,” she cried, holding her palms up to ward him off. For the part she’d allowed herself to believe did not truly matter hovered between them, as it had since she’d stepped foot inside his household. The memory of Holdsworth would not go away. And her association with that man would forever be between her and Derek—even as she’d spent the past week thinking it didn’t matter. It did and always would. “I love you,” she whispered, “but I cannot marry you. Not with all that came to pass.”
His body went still. “What are you saying?” The confusion in his gaze ravaged her and she hated she could not have him as hers, forever.
Lily palmed his beloved, scarred cheek. “Derek, you are not a man who forgives. Lord St. Cyr is proof of that.” She let her hand fall to her side. “Someday, if not today, you would eventually come to resent me for the loss of that diamond—”
“I did not want that bloody diamond,” he bit out. “I turned it over to the king’s advisors. It was never about the diamond,” he said with an incessant edge to his words.
“No,” she said sadly. “But Flora will have nightmares of what happened to her and who will you blame? Or having had to kill those two men? What happens when the guilt of that haunts you?” Lily clasped her fingers tight at her sides. “No, I could not bear it when that time comes.”
“I have killed too many men in my life, but those two who harmed you and Flora, I would gladly kill all over again, without compunction.” White lines of fury formed at the corners of his mouth and he gripped her by the shoulders. “Is that the manner of man you think I am?” Shock and hurt laced his words, tugging at her heart. “A punishing sort?”
“No. I think you are a man who loves deeply,” she said simply. “And that is why you will someday hate me for the pain I brought to you and Flora.” Yes, eventually her association with Holdsworth would kill all love he’d had for her. Agony pulled at her heart. “I love you,” with all I am, and all I will ever be, “and you are all I have ever wanted in life, Derek.” Hope flared in his eye and she forced her gaze away. “But sometimes love is not enough.” Lily turned on wooden legs and strode over to her packed valise.
“You are leaving.” There was a hollow emptiness to those words that chilled her.
Lily nodded once. “I have to. The gossip columns, they have already spoken of you.” And me. “And for Flora’s benefit, you cannot keep me here.” She fiddled with the latches of her worn case.
The floorboards groaned as Derek strode forward. He stopped before her and, with his knuckles, tipped her chin up. “My family has wronged you in ways I can never make right.”
She stiffened. Is that what drove his offer of marriage? Some silly sense of atonement? She’d thrown away her virtue. It had not been stolen in an act of violence, but with a glib tongue she’d fallen prey to. That belonged to her. She’d accepted it. Derek must now, too. “You needn’t offer for me because of mistakes that were mine and your brother’s,” she said between tight lips.
“Is that what you think?” he asked, his low, gravelly baritone giving no hint to his thoughts. “Do you think I would wed you because of that?”
Lily ca
ptured her lower lip between her teeth.
“Poor, Lily,” he whispered and brushed his lips over her cheek in a fleeting caress. “You’ve spent so many years betrayed by those who were to have cared for you, that you convinced yourself you’re not a person to be loved. But you are,” he murmured. He drew her back against his chest and then put his lips to her ear. His breath, the scent of coffee and chocolate, wrapped about her senses, making him real in ways she did not want him to be in this moment. “I love you.” She caught the inside of her cheek hard as he skimmed his knuckles over her jaw. “I love you because you are everything that is strong and courageous.” His hoarse voice washed over her. “You have survived despite the ugliness of the world and with your spirit, restored happiness to mine in a way that no one and nothing could.” He dropped his brow to hers. “Why would you run from me? How have you not realized I am not like the others? I will never leave you.”
Her throat worked spasmodically as she allowed him to angle her head up. He ran his thumb over her trembling lower lip. “I love you,” he whispered.
Let go. Give yourself to him. Trust…
“Marry me,” he urged.
How long had she believed herself undeserving of goodness and kindness and love? Only Derek had ever seen her worth, opened her eyes to it. He made her see something more than the acts that had defined her for seven years and now he offered her the world she’d thought long ago closed to her; one with a loving husband and, some day, babes.
If she but took it.
Lily fluttered her eyes open and this man, who looked at her with love shining from the depths of his fathomless eye, bore no hint of the angry stranger she’d met more than a fortnight ago.
Lords of Honor-The Collection Page 80
