“I will.”
I needed something stronger than coffee so I found the bottle of vodka Katey always had stashed in her freezer and made my way down the stone steps beside her house that led to the beach. The moon was large, its reflection lighting up the darkness surrounding me. It didn’t reach inside me though, it couldn’t, the darkness inside me was way too black.
Taking another swig of alcohol straight from the bottle I sat on the edge of the tide, the water just reaching and tickling my toes, washing away the dried blood that had dripped from me.
Life had become too complicated. Isaac had been right, this was one job I should have refused. I knew ending Daniel would forever haunt me, I was taking away the only thing Annie had in her life. Vengeance didn’t seem so important anymore, my niece was more important than my need to sleep at night. Yet I wouldn’t let any other take him from her. I owed it to her to give her father an easy death. It was the least I could do but first I needed to feel Robert Shepherd and Franco Genole’s blood seep through my fingers. I wanted to taste their death, feed from the pain I would inject, and watch with delight when they took their last breaths.
I was glad, in a way, that Mae no longer lived. For her to witness what I had become would be the worst thing. If I’d have known then what I did now, I would have done things differently. I would have made sure to watch over her. I hadn’t only disappeared from her life, I had abandoned her, left her thinking me dead, and after the death of my parents, I should have known that no one, not even Mae, could have dealt with that in any way normally. When I had found out about her self-harm, it had torn the final part of my soul from me, making me into an even colder killer. Nothing mattered after that. No one deserved to live if my own sister suffered like she did. Why should anyone deserve to be happy when the purest of souls on this planet was full of so much pain and sadness?
I lowered my face to the water when I sensed him behind me. I was trained to be aware and his scent of mint and citrus told me who was walking down the beach towards me.
His steps were slow, his smell growing stronger only gradually, telling me he was either wary of approaching me or he was dejected, and from his earlier whereabouts, I decided it was the latter of the two conclusions.
He missed my sister as much as I did.
SHE DIDN’T MOVE as I approached, her knees were drawn upwards, her back to me as her head tipped occasionally whenever she took a mouthful from the bottle she held. Her sadness was potent, tangible and thick in the night air.
“She was always the strongest of both of us,” she said as I drew closer. Her voice was so small, her grief taking her usual confidence.
“She was the strongest person I’ve ever known,” I agreed as I settled beside her. She held out the bottle to me and I took it, wincing at the burn of the cheap vodka.
“Whisky your thing?”
“My thing?” I asked as the echo of Mae’s own words forced a memory. I smiled at her. “You know, Mae said those very words to me once.”
Her eyes caught mine and I had to fight back the emotion when I saw the absolute devastation in her. I pulled the packet of cigarettes I had just bought from my pocket and offered her one. She smiled but shook her head before I lit my own. “Can I ask you something?”
I nodded; there was nothing to hide anymore. I was well aware that Connie knew just about everything.
“What was it about her that made you fall in love?”
I blinked then stared out at the vast amount of water stretching for miles before me, the soft ripple on the surface mesmerising in the moon’s image. “I’m not sure I can answer that question. There’s no easy answer to it. It wasn’t just her strength or her ability to see the good in everything. Neither was it her beauty or her humour, or the way her smile lit the room. Mae was… Mae. She was many things and I fell in love with every single one. There were infinite things about her and I could never in this lifetime or the next have time to describe each one. But one thing I can tell you is that she found something in me that I never knew existed. She made me love, and that in itself deserves my limitless devotion to her.”
Her eyes held mine when I turned to look at her. I reached out and wiped away the tear that rolled down her cheek. “You’re cold.”
“Not really.” I shrugged out of my jacket and placed it over her shoulders. She smiled gratefully. “I’d like that cigarette now.”
I lifted a brow and gestured to the pocket with my chin. “Inside pocket.” She took them out and lit one for herself, blowing out the smoke after holding it in her lungs for a long moment, her eyes closing in satisfaction. “How long since your last?”
She snorted. “About six years.” She gawped at me when I plucked it from between her lips and flicked it into the ocean. “What the hell?”
“You don’t need it, stick to the alcohol.”
When I thought she was about to rip my throat out, she shrugged and picked up the bottle. “I remember when we were eleven, we’d just started senior school and I wore these horrible braces on my teeth,” she started after swallowing a large mouthful of vodka. “Philippa Gregory had taken an instant dislike to me, picked on me something terrible.” A small giggle from her brought a smile to my face, the innocent sound coming from her was quite invigorating. “This one morning, after we’d been at school for around four weeks and Mae had witnessed this bitch’s never-ending bullying, Philippa opened her locker to get her books and around twenty frogs jumped out at her.” Her giggle erupted into laughter at the memory.
“Mae?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I still to this day have no idea where she got them all from. Of course she denied it was her but I knew. We always shared this secret smile whenever it was mentioned after that.”
I nodded, my gaze trained on the huge moon disappearing behind the edge of the water. “She had such a stunning smile.”
She turned to look at me, the light from the moon highlighted her cheekbones. I hadn’t noticed how sculptured they were, completely different from Mae’s softer shape. “Yes, she did.” She pulled in a breath then plucked the cigarette from my fingers and took a deep drag. “Did she love you, Daniel?”
I physically winced, the pain in my chest almost unbearable at her blunt question. “She said she did. However…”
“However?” she probed, handing back the smoke. Her fingers brushed against mine as I took it from her, causing her eyes to slowly lift to mine. She quirked an eyebrow and smirked. “Are we supposed to have felt something electrical then?” Her humour to lighten the situation was a Godsend and I laughed.
“Only in Mills and Boon, Connie.”
She snorted. “Why am I finding it hard to visualise you as a romance reader?”
I chuckled harder. “You’ll be surprised what Playboy feature nowadays. We are more open to our sexuality, our feminine side.” She laughed and shook her head, taking another drink. “Talking of feminine sides,” I continued. “I take it Katey feels threatened by me.”
“She shouldn’t. She knows I’m incapable of sentiment. She always knew but unfortunately she never quite managed to step back from that side of things.”
“I never pictured you as being a… a girl who appreciated both sexes,” I managed to word delicately.
She frowned at me. “Why? Sex is sex, it doesn’t matter who your partner is as long as they get you to orgasm.”
I shrugged. “I suppose. It’s just that you seemed rather… into the rough side of things and I can’t picture Katey that way.”
“She isn’t, not really. There are many different pleasures to sex, Daniel. Rough, gentle, fast, slow, hard, deep, kinky, vanilla… and each one is there for a reason, to find the stimulation you need at that particular time. ” She turned to me and cocked her head. “I know you prefer the painful side. Now you see, I’m having difficulty working out how that side of things worked between you and Mae. You said you loved her but I find that difficult if she wasn’t able to pleasure you. You are very… masculine and
I know the physical side is important to you.”
“Why wouldn’t Mae be able to satisfy me?”
“Well, Mae was Mae, you know?”
I stared at her then nodded in understanding. “You think because your sister was a gentle person that she didn’t have a kink?”
She stared at me with wide eyes. “You mean?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Pain stimulated Mae, quite intensely actually. I have never seen someone flourish as much as she did under my hand. It was mesmerising to witness. The thrill of pain turned her into the most erotic creature. She was very conflicted by this side of her though.” Sadness gripped my heart. “I just wish…”
I flinched when I felt her hand rest over mine, her fingers sliding between my own. “You wish she had had more time to explore her sexuality with you?”
“Yes. But not just that… life too. She deserved to be adored, idolised but life was cruel to her. Fuck. I was cruel to her.”
I tried to snatch my hand away when the guilt became too much but she held firm , her fingers locking around mine to stop me from pulling away. “Tell me.”
I shook my head. “No, I refuse to ever go back there. What is hidden in my head would destroy my heart. I know I deserve the pain that would inflict on me but I’m a coward, Connie. I always have been. I inflict pain and misery but there’s no deeper pain and sorrow than what lives inside me.”
I hated the way she looked at me. I yanked my hand back harder, releasing her hold. Standing up I turned and walked away, refusing her any more access to my thoughts. They were mine, and Mae’s. She would be the only one who would ever hear them and death was eagerly awaited so I could finally show her how much my guilt over her life had decimated my soul.
I KISSED MY way over her flat stomach, across the bridge of her breastbone and finally to her mouth. She moaned as I slid my tongue into her mouth, tasting her own arousal. Her fingers slid into my hair as she held me to her, her soft whimpers driving me crazy.
I closed my eyes to the sun streaming through the window, its light and declaration that it was day aching my heart as what I had to do made me feel like the shittiest person on the planet.
As though sensing my guilt she sighed and pulled back, her pure blue eyes sad as she looked at me. “You’re leaving me again aren’t you?”
“Katey.” I sighed, resting my forehead against hers. “I can’t stay here. It’s not safe for you.”
“I’m fine. I’m safe.”
“Babe, if I thought that for one second then I would curl up beside you in bed for the rest of my life. They’re coming for me, and one thing I won’t do is put you at risk.” I stroked my thumb across her eyebrow, my eyes following its path.
The tears that pricked her eyes punctured my gut. I wished in a way that she hated me, pushed me away herself. It would be easiest, for her anyway. Times like this I hated my life, hated what I had become and what was to come. I loved Isaac, but our relationship was far from traditional. He loved me, I knew he did, yet sometimes I felt like that love was only there because I was his best, the best at what we did. Was I seeing love when all it was was respect and reverence?
Swinging my legs out of bed, I dropped my gaze to the floor and braced myself. “Katey. I never told you because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
I sensed her stiffen behind me, the ice already forming over her heart. “Con?”
Swallowing back the bile, I forced out the words to help her move on… and forget me. “I… I’m married, Katey. I’ve been married for six years. His name is Isaac and I love him. Well, enough not to leave him for you.” I winced at my own words and how heartless they sounded. But they were far from heartless. They were the hardest words I’d ever had to say. I cared for Katey and because of that, I did what I had to do to allow her to let me go.
“What?” Her barely there whisper tore at me and I squeezed my eyes closed. She shot off the bed and stormed round to face me when I stayed still. “WHAT?”
“I’m sorry.” I stood up, stepping towards her, attempting to hold her and try and alleviate her suffering but she shook her head at me. The crack of her palm slapping my cheek was loud, or maybe it could have been the splintering of my heart, either way the guilt was physical.
“Don’t you touch me!” she spat as fat tears fell down her face, the torrent causing them to run off her chin and onto her bare chest. She turned quickly, her eyes hunting around the room before she snatched up my jeans and t-shirt and threw them at me. “Get out.”
“I’m sorry…”
“GET OUT!” she screamed. “And take your fuck buddy with you. I never want to see you again, hurt or not. I hope you fucking die out there, because to be honest you don’t deserve to breathe.”
I nodded, agreeing with her as I pulled on my clothes. The door flew open, Daniel stood there in just shorts, his impressive naked torso catching my attention for a moment as his eyes shot from Katey to me and back again. His eyebrow quirked at the scene playing out for him. I knew he thought two naked women fighting was quite a sight but I glared at him. “Get out, Daniel. Go get dressed, we’re leaving.”
“Yes!” Katey hissed. “Get her out of here. Did you know she was a married woman before you screwed her?” Her anger was suffocating but her declaration made me want to choke her myself.
His eyes darted to mine as both his brows lifted. “What?”
“Get dressed.”
I flinched when one of my boots hit the side of my head, the other swiftly following and bouncing off my shoulder. I stared at Daniel, reminding him to move. He held up both hands and turned, giving me a quick glance of a blue butterfly tattoo covering the whole of his right shoulder blade. Script I couldn’t read from the distance between us decorated the area underneath.
“Oh, and don’t forget this!”
I hissed when my gun cracked the side of my skull. “Shit, Katey.” I’d never seen this side of her. I was quietly impressed with her aggression but I wouldn’t voice that judgement.
She followed me out into the hallway, watching me as I collected my things. Daniel appeared, tugging his jacket on, his eyes flicking between Katey and me. “I’ll wait in the car.” I nodded, thanking him with a quick look as I shoved my laptop into my bag.
“I loved you,” she whispered when the door closed behind Daniel. The heartache in those simple words was torturous.
I turned to her and nodded. “I’m so sorry, Katey.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“No you’re not.” She was quiet now, which was much worse than her heated screams. “If you were you wouldn’t have hurt me. Answer me one question truthfully, because to be honest, I don’t even know you do I? You never allowed me any truth about you, Connie. You hid from me, fuck, you even hide from yourself.” I gave her a small nod, allowing her question. She stared at me, her eyes narrow, the pain in them crippling. “Have you ever loved, Connie?”
“Yes,” I answered honestly. “Yes I have loved.”
“I’m sure you believe that. But I can promise you one thing, until you have felt love, you will never be able to reciprocate that emotion and you’re too hard and impenetrable to let anyone in.” I watched the single and final tear trace the edge of her chin before it fell, granting her a small moment of respite. She reached out and palmed my cheek, her hand cold but the touch gentle. “What I said before, about wishing you dead… I didn’t mean it. However, when you walk out of that door, I would appreciate it if you never walked back through it.”
I nodded. “You are such a beautiful person, Katey.” I slid both of my hands into her hair as I kissed her forehead, leaving my mouth against her skin for a moment. “You deserve the love of a good person, someone who will make you happy, give you a reason to smile and live life to the full. I’m sorry.”
Placing one last and final kiss on her, I turned and walked away.
“Connie,” her voice broke as I opened the door. I turned to look at her. “You deserve that too, even if you don’t believe it.”
I smiled sadly and nodded even though I disagreed with her. “Take care, Katey.”
Daniel looked at me when I slid into the car. “Not now.”
He nodded then shifted his gaze out of the window.
I drove for twelve miles before I realised his hand was on my thigh, his thumb stroking back and forth in a soothing action.
Sighing, I slung my bag on one of the twin beds. “You know, hotels suck.”
He chuckled as he placed his own bag on the other bed. “They’re not so bad. And hopefully it won’t be for long.”
My mood was foul and I glared at him. “Whatever.”
“Whatever?” He stared at me, his lips twitching with his amusement. “You sound like a sixteen-year-old.”
“I was never a sixteen-year-old, Daniel. My life bypassed that stage. So maybe now, at twenty three, I feel like saying it.”
He looked contrite for a moment, his eyes lowering to the floor as a small sigh left him but he nodded, sensing my mood and the need for me to be alone. “I’m going to take a shower.”
I bent to look in the mini-bar. Fuck it. I picked up the phone beside the bed and called room service.
The shower fired up. I gave him a moment before I opened the door and walked into the bathroom.
“Did you want something?” Daniel shouted over the glass partition.
“Yes, a piss.” I didn’t wait for his acknowledgement before I sat on the loo and sighed.
“You’re really quite vulgar.” I curled my lip, ignoring his gripe and remained silent. “Do you think we could phone Annie?” His voice was loud so I could hear him over the rush of water. I rolled my eyes; I was about four inches away. “I miss her.”
I turned my gaze towards him, appreciating the compromised view of his hard body. “Me too.”
Silence descended for a moment and I stared at him shower. His hands moved to his hair, his fingers rubbing at the shampoo. He settled his head back to rinse off the suds before he stilled and his face turned back to the glass. “Do you want me to leave it running?”
The Salvation of Daniel (The Blue Butterfly Book 2) Page 10
