I burst into tears.
“He didn’t say it back?”
I shake my head as I snatch up a tissue.
“What did he say? Exactly?”
“That he never should have slept with me. That I am the ‘fall in love girl’ and he thought I could change but now it’s just affected our friendship.”
The tears stream down my face, hot and salty. I take a deep shuddery breath trying to stop the snotty tide but I can’t.
“Right there,” Rachel exclaims. “He’s worried about the friendship. He’s worried about losing you. He loves you. He’s just too scared to say it. I mean the last time he said he loved someone, his mom died on him.”
“Yeah, well at some point, you’ve got to grow up. He said that too.” To me.
“He needs time to deal with it. Everything is going to work out perfectly.”
I start to protest but she shuts me down.
“No. I’m sure. He loves you.”
I blow my nose and blink up at her, hopeful. “You think”
“It’s so obvious between you two. How did it end?”
“I told him I was the perfect girl for him.”
“Because you so are.”
“And then I left.”
“But he tried to stop you? Like, under the cover of telling you you’re being dumb? He called you back?”
I shake my head again and look at her, hoping that she’ll have a rationalization for this. Hoping I’m wrong and she’s right and I’m just being silly. Of course he loves me.
Rachel looks at me sadly and gnaws on her lip as if she’s trying to find the bright side.
“Sam knows me better than anyone,” I hiccup. “And he rejected me. The real me. Not Ally, some girl he screwed.”
“It has nothing to do with you,” she soothes, “it’s his stupid issues.”
“Still feels a million times worse than Jeremy.”
I want to die.
Rachel pulls me into a hug.
But she doesn’t say it’s going to be okay.
What’s the point? We both know she’d be lying.
Chapter twenty-nine
Nikki rolls off me and tries to be reassuring. “It happens to everyone.”
“That’s the most bullshit Hallmark sentiment ever.” I’m in no mood to be humored.
She shrugs and slides off the bed. “You’re right.”
I watch her get dressed, not sure if I feel like bothering to try and get her back for a second, more successful attempt.
It was just a weird glitch. I’m seventeen. I get hard at changes in the weather. My biggest problem with a naked girl in my bed is supposed to be shooting off too soon. Not failure to ignite.
Maybe it’s because she’s in my bed. I was so pissed off that I didn’t even realize I’d invited her over.
That must be it.
Nikki pulls her sweater over her head, then checks her hair in my dresser mirror. As she does, she stops to examine the birthday photo I took of Ally and me, lying on the dresser top.
I don’t want her touching it so I get out of bed, wrapping a sheet around myself, and try to grab the picture away.
As I get hold of it and see Ally with her stupid goofy grin, I suddenly get an erection, tenting out the sheet.
Nikki looks at me thoughtfully, before picking up her purse.
I drop the photo on the ground. “Come back to bed.” Since I’m primed and ready.
Nikki doesn’t answer. She picks up the photo and hands it to me then pecks me on the cheek.
“Good luck, Sam,” she says and leaves.
I glance down at my monster hard dick. No way is it because of the photo. To prove it, I toss the photo back on the dresser.
And promptly deflate.
I decide to just go to sleep. I must be ill. I’ll feel better in the morning. But first I’ve got to lock the front door behind Nikki so I head out into the living room.
I bolt the door and am making my way back to my bedroom when I trip over one of my sneakers lying there. I know I kicked the pair into our front closet when I came home, which means Attila has been playing with it.
I bend over to pick up the shoe and am blinded by its reek of cat pee. “Attila,” I snap, “you little pissing monster.”
Making sure the sheet is snugly wrapped around my waist, I carry the shoe out onto our back deck and dump it outside to deal with later.
I search the house for the cat, finally finding her under my bed.
I get on my hands and knees and try to coax her out. Nothing. She presses farther back into the shadows.
“Screw you too,” I tell her, and hit the sheets to pass out and forget this whole day.
I’m still awake when sunrise hits.
Chapter thirty
A night of sleep really does help make a girl feel better.
It’s a beautiful day. I’ve invited Adam out for a run around the seawall, which is a winding path that runs along our waterfront.
I’m moving on. Adam and I are having a very nice time, running and chatting about potential universities and their application requirements.
We’re two more smiling people of the many who are out jogging, cycling, and rollerblading along the path.
Then I see Sam, running toward us like a little black rain cloud, headphones in.
I ignore the thudding of my heart and buck up. There is no way around it. We’re going to have to pass each other.
We slow down as we get near and glower. Since Adam isn’t blind, he picks up on the hostility between us and just kind of hangs back, watching.
I stop in front of Sam, jogging in place and raise an eyebrow. Hinting that I’m waiting for him to make his next move. Like apologize for being such a douchebag.
Just because he doesn’t love me doesn’t mean he had to be such a jerk about it.
Sam snorts in a “get real” way.
I yank one of his earbuds out. “You owe me an apology, asshole.” If I have to spell it out, I will.
Sam glances over at Adam a few feet away, then lowers his voice. “It’s not my fault you can’t keep sex and friendship separate.”
“Wow. That was absolutely nothing like an apology, Dr. Fuckenstein.”
“Fine. I’m sorry.”
He’s so lying. I want to push him off the seawall into the water.
“Did you know the word ‘sorry,’ used to be uttered sparingly, as a way of confessing both guilt and sorrow for a mistake?” I ask him.
“No, Einstein, but thanks so much for the enlightenment.”
“Enlighten this.” PUNCH! Right to the gut.
I can’t believe I did that but I’m shaking with anger and adrenaline and just need to get away from him. So with my head held high, I collect Adam and jog off.
“Bad fight?” Adam asks.
“You could say that,” I reply, taking deep breaths to try and calm myself.
I sneak a glance at this adorable boy next to me and realize this isn’t going to work.
I slow to a walk. “Adam, you’re a great guy—”
“Yeah,” he laughs. “I am. And it’s okay. It was fun while it lasted. But honestly, Ally? Even if he does get a clue, I don’t think he deserves you.”
That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in this entire fiasco.
I really wish I could love this guy.
But I can’t and it wouldn’t be fair to Adam, so it’s back to me, myself, and I.
Maybe that’s okay because I go home, shower and pull out all my clothes to figure out what gets kept and what gets donated to some other girl’s makeover cause.
Besides, I’m going to need lots of mindless distractions to get me through this. Might as well start with clothes.
There is definitely a happy medium to be found. But i
t doesn’t involve thongs. I slingshot those little fiends into the trash. First up to purchase? More sensible underwear. As in boy shorts, not granny panties.
The flat iron gets donated. I’ll just have to ride that hair wave of mine. Own it. And control it. But not by burning my head for forty minutes.
After about an hour, I have a pile of clothes I can live with and way less makeup.
I’m happy with my self. My sense of style has managed to combine my old comfyness with my super hot self. I may not reach “smoking” on the charts but I remain deep into “check her fine self out” territory.
And I can always go back for a visit.
I have no idea how some of those bunnies in their platforms regularly show up all dolled up at school year after year. Not sure whether to pity them or give them props for dedication.
Maybe a bit of both.
I’m pretty done with contacts, too, but even I get that I can’t put the giant frames back on unless I get a pimped up Caddy, a feathered fedora, and a one-way ticket back to the seventies.
I call Rachel to come glasses shopping with me.
Mom hands the credit card over when I tell her that the contacts hurt. She doesn’t press, but I know she’s dying to ask what happened.
I’ll tell her.
Sometime.
Happily, the search is relatively pain free. Rach and I find a small, hip pair of purple frames that really suit me.
Rachel then drags me over to the nearby Costco for free samples because she’s hungry.
I’ve been doing a great job of not thinking about Sam every second. Maybe one day it’ll go down from every other second to every couple of minutes.
That would be great.
Rachel shoots me a sideways glance. I can tell she knows I’m faltering. She picks up a sample of pomegranate juice in a small plastic glass and swirls it around like a fine wine.
She inspects the color of the liquid in the glass by holding it up to her white jacket sleeve.
Rachel sniffs delicately at the juice before finally taking a sip. “Last week. An excellent vintage,” she jokes.
I give her a weak smile.
She hands me a cup. “Drink.”
I run my finger around its rim, zoned out in my thoughts.
Rachel sighs. “I didn’t want to bring any of it up and depress you. Have you seen him?”
“Yeah. We fought.”
“Sucks. I’m sorry. What about Adam?”
I shrug. “Done. I couldn’t go there. Not feeling…whatever.”
“For what it’s worth, Ian and I both think Sam really is in love with you.”
“He might be. But since he’d rather die than admit it to himself, it doesn’t really help.”
Rachel nods, then her eyes light up and she motions for me to stay put. She returns a moment later with two tiny bags of hot cinnamon-sugared mini donuts.
“If you can’t have love, you can have sugar and fat,” she says. She waits for me to say something but I’m not quite sure how to explain what I’m thinking.
I try. “We all have these beliefs,” I stop, trying to focus my thoughts. “If we could just do this one thing, our lives would be better. Like lose twenty pounds.”
“Be the hot chick.”
“Exactly. But I did that and my life is still a mess. Or at least it’s not the life I want.”
I pick a piece off one of the mini donuts and pop it in my mouth. There is a warm sugar explosion on my tongue. This would be a pretty good day if I didn’t feel so hollow inside.
“If you could go back and do it all again,” Rachel asks me, “would you?”
“No great sex? No feeling this way?”
“No realizing you love him,” she says.
“No losing my best friend?”
Moment of truth.
“Yeah. I would.” I give a small smile, blinking furiously so I don’t start bawling in the middle of this concrete warehouse.
Rachel squeezes my hand. “So what happens now?”
“There’s always Ecuador.”
Chapter thirty-one
I’m in the diner, sitting at the counter. No way is Ally getting custody of this place. I’m reclaiming it as my own. And that starts with a new place to sit.
It’s been driving me nuts that she got the last word back on the seawall. Maybe I have a few things to say on the subject, too.
Like how everything was perfect before she messed it up. How she should have put on her big girl panties if she was going to start sleeping around instead of finding more pussy boys to date.
How she doesn’t have the right to tell me she loves me and then freak out when I don’t love her back.
I love her. She’s my best friend. I’m not in love with her. I don’t do “in love,” and Ally of all people knows that fact. So she’s a bitch if she gets mad about who I am.
If she really loved me, she’d accept me. Instead, she’s avoiding and judging.
I pick up my cell phone, just revving to chew her out.
“Sam.” Rosie’s voice beside me is sharp. “You’ve already left two messages, young man.”
I put the cell back down. “You’re right. I’ve got other friends.”
Matt gives me an “atta boy” grin. “That’s the spirit.”
Except I don’t want to see any of them. I want to see Ally. The Ally of before this all started. The old classic Coke. Not New crappy Coke.
I try staying home and doing homework, but the silence is killing me. My dad is out yet again.
Not that I want to hang with my pop but he would be better company than no one.
Even Attila is ignoring me. She sneaks into the kitchen to eat and drink, then hides the rest of the time.
I shift, restless. The hum of the fridge is driving me nuts. I have to get out of here so I decide to hit up this grubby club with an indie band rocking an all-ages show.
The music drives me through the space with a kind of ruthlessness. I’m a man with a mission, checking out anyone of college age.
The sexy stench of anger and desperation to prove something must be wafting off me in waves because the closest thing to encouragement I get is when some punk chick elbows me in the gut.
Fuck it. I’m going home.
Outside, head down, I’m winding my way through all the people out for a good night downtown when I accidentally barrel into someone.
I look up to apologize to whomever I just bumped into and find myself face to face with Cass.
The look on her face makes it clear that if there was any way she could ignore me, she would.
“Sam,” she says in a flat voice.
“Cass. How’s things?”
“Spare me.”
“You don’t need to be a bitch,” I reply.
Cass is left speechless for a second. She finds her voice all too soon. “Are you kidding? You ran out on me.”
“Okay. Maybe I didn’t go about that in the best way, but really, it was what it was. Why can’t we just be happy about having had a good time together?”
Behind Cass, through the glass window of the restaurant beside me, I spy my dad. He’s out with a smoking, much younger babe who appears delighted to be with him. He says something in her ear and moves off, further down the bar area.
Nicely scored, Pops.
I snap back to Cass as I realize she’s speaking.
“…We could have hung out. Talked. Spent the day together like normal people getting to know each other.”
“Right there. Given how you propositioned me, why did you think I was promising more than I was?”
Dad hasn’t been gone ten seconds and immediately the girl is hit on by a guy way closer to her age.
“Because,” Cass answers.
“‘Because’ is not an answer. I wasn’t bei
ng coy. We picked each other up. I thought we both understood the rules.”
“What rules?” Cass crosses her arms, purse in hand, as if she’s considering smacking me with it.
“Just hit the Big O, no hard feelings, and everyone gets respected in the morning. But suddenly you’re playing a different game. And I’m the asshole. How is that fair?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the babe place her hand on young guy’s arm and leave. Without Dad.
“You are the worst guy I ever got involved with,” Cass says.
Dad arrives back with two drinks, just in time to see his date go. His smile slips and, just for a second, he looks old and tired.
But he recovers fast and puts his smile firmly back in place.
“No involvement,” I explain. “That’s my point.”
“Grow up,” she replies in disgust and walks off.
Dad catches me looking at him. There is a second where we just stare at each other through the glass, then he throws me a jaunty salute.
I return it.
But I’m not feeling it.
I’m seeing my dad in a whole new way and I don’t like it.
I always thought he had the moves, but that was just pathetic. I know we’ll never bring this up, because guys don’t go there, but I feel sick. I don’t want my dad to be a joke.
I don’t want to be a joke.
My life was going great. Now I feel I’m stuck at some stupid crossroads with a sign saying “Dad” pointing one way and “Ally” pointing the other.
I just want to keep going straight but that doesn’t seem to be an option.
Then again, I can’t fake being in love with someone either. Especially my best friend.
~
That’s exactly what I try to tell her the next day.
She’s volunteering at the lab, so I’ve gone out to the campus to see her. But I decide that maybe I better phone first, make sure she’s not busy.
I hit speed dial and go immediately to her voice mail.
“Hi. You’ve reached Ally. Leave a message.”
I hang up before the beep.
I stare at the entrance to the biology labs as I run my hand roughly over my face.
Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls Page 14
