I took a sip of wine, “I met Keith a couple of months after my mother passed away. David already started to pull back from me by then. I know I have always made light of the fact I only knew what was happening with him thanks to Stephanie or his wife. I’ve never admitted, even to myself, how much it hurt me to have him pretty much abandon me as soon as my mom passed. There was always a distinction between Steph and me growing up. At least my mom always managed to make me feel loved. When she was gone, I felt so alone. Thank goodness I had Katie and Meri. They were amazing friends, but they had their own lives to live.”
Bryce was silent, so I just kept talking.
“Keith wasn’t an easy person to have a relationship with.”
“Do I really need to hear all this?” Bryce interrupted. He looked so annoyed.
“Yes. I think you do.” I wrung my hands. “I really want to try to explain everything, and the only way I know to do it is to tell you everything.”
He picked up his wine glass but put it down without taking a sip. “Fine. I’m going to need something stronger than this.” He stood up, “I’m getting a scotch,” he announced as he headed into Anna’s kitchen. With a backward glance, “Do you want one?”
“No, I’m good.”
As he prepared his drink, I tried to get my thoughts together.
He sat back down on the couch next to me. He swirled the amber liquid in his glass as the ice cubes jiggled before he took a deep sip of his drink. “Okay, I guess I am as ready as I will ever be. Go on.”
“Thanks,” I nodded. “So as I was saying, Keith wasn’t an easy person to have a relationship with. He was obsessed with getting ahead at the office. He worked almost constantly. When he did take a break, he spent his free time with me. It made me finally feel special, like I was truly wanted for the first time in my life. He was always emotionally distant, though. He never shared his thoughts or feelings with me. He also made it clear, from the very beginning he wasn’t looking for a relationship. We somehow managed to form one, despite ourselves. It was a huge ego boost for me. I got this emotionally closed off, commitment-phobic, workaholic to care about me. I couldn’t have been all bad,” I gave Bryce a small, sad smile, but his features remained rigid.
“I always walked on eggshells around him.” Part of me was shocked I was sharing so many details about a past relationship with my husband. “I never knew where I stood with him, and I never knew if our relationship was real or if it would continue. My biggest fear was one day he’d just disappear from my life. In the two years we dated, he never once said he loved me. Nor did he ever refer to me as his girlfriend. My feelings of insecurity returned with a vengeance. So one night I pushed him to tell me what he felt about me, and he couldn’t. So I left. He didn’t try to stop me. He didn’t try to make up with me either. My friends thought I was so broken up because of the demise of our relationship, but in actuality, my emotional downward spiral stemmed from the fact I felt worthless and unlovable once again.”
“Why did you ever let a man do this to you?” Bryce asked, with pity in his eyes.
“Why wouldn’t I? Let’s face it. I didn’t know any differently. Every man in my life discarded me like a bag of day old trash. I was always made to feel so insignificant.”
Bryce nodded his head, solemnly.
“I didn’t date for quite a while. I wanted no part of it. I threw myself into work. Work helped a little. I received a few promotions, and I started to feel good about some aspects of my life. I took some art classes and read book after book. I even learned how to knit.” He raised an eyebrow at me, and I nodded. “Meri and Katie used to tease me that I was turning into a twenty-something-year-old grandmother. They’d leave retirement community fliers around the apartment. Eventually, they convinced me I needed to,” I made air quotes with my fingers, “get back into the game. So I started dating again. I went on a million first dates. I was the one and done queen. I found something wrong with every single guy I came into contact with. I told myself I was so picky because none of them were Keith. I had built him up so much in my mind by then. I placed him on this ridiculous pedestal. Now, in retrospect, I can see I was simply sabotaging the situations so I wouldn’t find myself in a relationship again. It was easier for me to end something before it started than to get hurt again.”
“So what about me, Cecelia. How do I fit into this little tale of woe?”
“Are you sure I can’t fix you a plate?” I asked as I sat up straight. I was trying hard not to show how much his words stung. “I have chicken tiki marsala and eggplant parm.”
“I told you, I’m not hungry. If you want to eat, eat.”
“I’m not hungry either,” I leaned back against the sofa and sighed. “I didn’t want to meet you,” I admitted.
“What’s your plan here, Cee? Are you trying to make me feel better or worse? Because if you are going for worse you sure are doing a bang-up job.”
“I’m just trying to be honest. Would you rather I just got down on one knee and begged for forgiveness?”
He gave me a small, sad smile. “Probably. I guess I do need to hear what you have to say. I just hope by getting everything off your chest it will help you. Besides, I think closure is good for us both.”
I swallowed hard. Closure? Was his mind already made up about me? Was everything already over?
“Anna never was able to understand why I was still single. And while she got a kick out of hearing my dating debacle stories she couldn’t comprehend why I was never able to meet someone I wanted to spend any real time with. One day she came into work and told me Cole had the perfect friend for me. I wanted to run the other way. She was relentless, and curiosity began to sink in. She wouldn’t stop talking about how handsome and great you were. To be honest, at this point I was a little jealous of Anna. Part of me longed for the life she had. She’d come into work every Monday morning beaming, sharing stories of her and Cole’s weekends. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to love and be loved like she was. She was always so happy, even when something went wrong. Cole always seemed to have her back and made her feel better. No one ever had my back.” I looked away not wanting to make eye contact with Bryce. “When the kids came along, somehow she seemed even happier. I tried to imagine what joy like that would feel like. I never thought I’d experience it, but deep down I wanted to. Reluctantly, after a week of her nagging, I agreed to go on the double date. Of course me being me, I tried to sabotage it.”
“How?”
“First I showed up forty-five minutes late, claiming to have had a problem at work. There was nothing of the sort. I wore my scratched Coke bottle glasses and kept my hair in a messy bun. I had a huge pimple on my nose that I didn’t even bother to cover up with makeup. And I wore a ratty sweater. Anna gave me hell about my get up when we went to the bathroom together, but you didn’t even notice how hideous I looked.”
“I noticed, but I thought you looked cute.” His eyes twinkled as clearly, he remembered our first dinner at the small Italian restaurant. “Frazzled, but cute.”
“I was determined to stay detached and quiet the entire evening. I couldn’t though. You kept making me laugh, especially when you and Cole started sharing stories about your childhood. All these years later, I still almost pee my pants when you tell the story about how your fourth grade teacher taught the entire day and never realized her clothes were inside out and had two different shoes on, despite all the snide comments from the kids.”
Bryce smiled.
“I quickly forgot about the act I wanted to put on. I felt very strange. I was at ease and comfortable.”
Bryce laughed, “I’d say, especially when white wine came rushing out of your nose.”
I punched him in the arm, “Again, your fault. You made me laugh too hard. If snorting wine out of my nose didn’t show how calm I was, I don’t know what would. I really think it was the first time in my entire life since I was four years old, I felt comfortable with a man. I was able to be my
self.” I picked a piece of lint off my lap. “It was an amazing feeling. I was so happy, especially when you called me the next day and made plans for us to get together the following night. I kept trying to find something wrong with you. I figured there had to be something, but instead, you seemed too good to be true. For the first time ever, I couldn’t find a flaw. I knew I didn’t deserve you, but I couldn’t stop seeing you. I was happier than I ever was in my entire life.”
“I was too.”
I ran my fingers down his cheek, “Over the years, you have done so many amazing things for me. You’ve surprised me with awesome trips.” I absently twirled the diamond and gold bracelet he gave me for our last anniversary. “You’ve given me amazing presents, but I’m not talking about any of that stuff. I’m talking about the little things you do for me that you don’t even think about. Like how you always make sure I have a spare shampoo at all times and how my car always has a full tank of gas. I always feel safe when I am with you. I’ve never felt safe before.”
“So I guess I was like a worn teddy bear. Great for those scary nights, but easily discarded when something new and exciting comes along.”
“No. Not at all, I love you, Bryce. I love everything about you.”
“Oh really?”
I nodded.
“Well, that’s not how I see things, Cecelia.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CECELIA
I held my breath as I watched as Bryce slowly tightened his hands into fists. I bet he was silently counting to ten as he decided what to say to me. I knew him well enough to know he’d try to avoid saying something he’d later regret. I prayed he appreciated, even slightly, the fact I was being honest with him, about everything. I just was worried it was way too little and far too late.
“Cecelia, just stop.” His eyes blazed, “You’re sitting here trying to convince me how much you love me, but I’m sorry. I just can’t believe you,” he paused. “I don’t believe you. Actions speak far louder than words, my dear. I know you had a messed up childhood. I’m not surprised how much your father’s actions scarred you. You are a big girl now, and you have to take responsibility for your own actions and your own mistakes.”
I nodded as he handed me a tissue to wipe the tears I couldn’t seem to control no matter how hard I tried.
“From the first day we met, I’ve done everything in my power to try to be the man you deserved, even if you didn’t realize you deserved a loving and caring guy in your corner. You have no idea how much pleasure it gave me to do the little things in life for you. I did everything because I loved you. Just being with you made me happy. I thought I made you happy too. I thought,” he rubbed his temple, “I satisfied you. Clearly, I wasn’t enough for you.”
“No, Bryce.”
“No? Bryce? Really?” He glared at me. “Don’t sit there and make more of a fool of me than you already have.”
“I… I… never expected to see Keith again.” I stammered.
“I’m sure you didn’t. And I also know you didn’t actively seek him out, so for that I guess, I’m slightly thankful. But planned or unplanned, he did reenter your life. If you valued me, if you valued our marriage and our family, you would have been upfront with your past right away. I questioned you about him right after the wedding, and you lied blatantly to my face, remember?”
I nodded.
“You could have come clean if you wanted to. But no, you kept on lying to me for months. I felt like my perspective was never even considered, almost like I wasn’t even part of this story. Every day it was just about you and Keith, what you were thinking and what you were feeling. I was kept in the dark trying to sort out why everything in my life suddenly felt wrong and different.”
“I didn’t mean to shut you out.”
“You may not have, but you did.”
“I was confused. I spent so many years almost idolizing him, because I knew he was unobtainable. I knew he and I never belonged together. Yet somehow in my messed up insecure brain, I felt like if he did want me, I was worthwhile.”
“And this is one of the things that pisses me off the most about this situation, Cee. The fact you couldn’t be honest with me. Why couldn’t you ever express these fears to me? Did you think I would think any less of you? Did you think I would have loved you any less?”
I started to sob. I wanted nothing more than for him to wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly. I wished he’d make my pain stop, but I refused to move a muscle, except to reach over and grab another tissue.
“Yes, Bryce. I was scared to tell you how I really felt. I was always afraid you’d wake up one morning and not love me anymore. I always feared you’d leave me, so what did I do? I sabotaged our life so you would. Now, in retrospect, I know I should have told you everything from the very beginning. I was afraid to express all my insecurities with you. I didn’t want you to start seeing me the way I saw myself. ”
“Maybe it would have helped if I did. Maybe if you were open with me, I could have helped you see yourself through my eyes. I wish you could see yourself how I saw you.”
I flinched at his use of the past tense.
“When I looked at you I saw a beautiful woman, with a killer body and a bright smile. I saw a hard working lady, who never shied away from a difficult situation. I saw someone who was always able and willing to speak her mind and often stood up for the underdog. I saw a loving woman who always put those she cared about before herself.” He took a sip of scotch, “I saw a girl who wasn’t afraid to laugh so hard wine would fly out of her nose. I saw a devoted and caring mother, one who eventually would not only be our sons’ mom but also manage to be their friend and confidant when they grew up and became men. And when I looked at you, I saw the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the one I wanted to grow old and gray with. The person I wanted to be at my side, always, until the bitter end.”
“What happens now, Bryce?”
“I’ve been saying this for years, but you never wanted to listen to me. I really think it is time you found your father and confronted him. Maybe if you understood your past better, you’d be able to have a happier future.”
Even though it was warm in the house, I shivered. “I can’t.”
“No, you won’t,” he said forcefully.
“No, Bryce. I can’t.” I closed my eyes, “He’s dead.”
“What?” When? You looked for him?” He stammered.
I took a sip of wine, “He died a couple of weeks ago, from cancer. And no. I didn’t look for him; I wasn’t brave enough to do that. Delanie found me. She called me Thursday morning to tell me he died.”
His face softened. He took a deep breath. He stretched out his arm, and I leaned in. He wrapped his arm around me tightly, and I nuzzled his neck. “I’m sorry,” he kissed the top of my head and exhaled slowly. “Now you’ll never get closure. Oh, Cecelia. I wish I knew. I wish I were there for you. Anna was still in Boston. Did you have anyone to talk to?”
“Yes,” I said softly. “I went to Bea’s house. I spent hours with her; she helped me see everything a bit more clearly.” I lifted my head and looked directly into his eyes. “Bryce, when Delanie called, when she told me my dad died, it was you I wanted to speak to. You were the only person I knew who would help me get through it. I realized that day, the only time I have actually ever felt truly safe in my entire life was when you were at my side.”
“Loverboy didn’t make you feel safe?”
It was a mean knee jerk reaction, and I deserved it. “No. He didn’t. And I had no desire to discuss my father’s death with him. If you must know, I never even mentioned it when I ended things with him. Nor did I mention I was planning on seeing my half-sister for the first time in over thirty years the next afternoon.”
His eyes widened, “You saw Delanie?”
“Yes, I met her for coffee Sunday afternoon. When she called me, she told me my dad wrote a letter to me before he passed. I went to Connecticut to collect it. At first
, I wanted no part of the letter, but I figured I should at least find out what he wanted to say to me. It’s sad and funny. I’ve spent most of my life hating Delanie. I was always jealous she was loved by my dad when I wasn’t. I had a really good time with her. She’s a nice girl.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, “Her life hasn’t been a cakewalk either. Daddy dearest did plenty of damage to her as well.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“I actually was,” I smiled. “Then again, I haven’t been too objective about Jack Donovan, ever. Delanie and I have a lot in common. We’re going to try to get to know each other better. I think we both could use a sister.” Another tear rolled down my face.
He smiled at me as he handed me another tissue. “I think that’s a wonderful idea.”
“Yeah. Me too. I feel good about it.”
“What did the letter say? Did you get any closure?”
“Yeah. I got answers, all right. Unfortunately, the answers made me feel even worse about my actions and what I have done to the boys and to us. Why does history always have to repeat itself?”
He raised an eyebrow.
“Here,” I handed him the envelope. “It’s probably better if you read it yourself.”
He took the folded handwritten pages out of the envelope slowly and held them up to the light. “Do you want me to read it out loud?”
“Yes, please.”
He took a sip of scotch before starting, “June 12, 2016,” His eyes met mine. “Wow, the timing is ironic, don’t you think.”
“Yes, he wrote this three days before the wedding, three days before I started to make a mess of everything.”
He took a deep breath and began to read, “My Dearest Cecelia, if you are reading this letter I guess I am gone, and Delanie kept her promise of finding you for me. I had no doubt she’d locate you. After all, she found you on Facebook this winter at my insistence, right after I was diagnosed. You have no idea how much I cherished seeing your pictures online. You grew up to be such a beautiful, kind, and successful woman, in spite of me. And your boys! They are adorable. Words can’t express how much it warms my cold heart to know you named one of your sons, Donavan.”
Plan Cee (Secrets, Lies, and Second Chances Book 2) Page 21
