by Kate Jacoby
She glanced back at the trium. “So why do we pray?”
“Why do we speak? When we pray we communicate as much with ourselves as we do with the gods. Sometimes, the only way we know how we truly feel is if we voice a prayer.”
“And I can do neither,” Jenn murmured, her head dropping. Slowly she got to her feet and turned to face him.
“I did say sometimes, my child. The most important thing is that you put your faith in her.”
Jenn shrugged, meeting his gaze. “I used to put my faith in myself, Father. Now I feel I have none left to give to anyone.”
He said nothing for a moment, then held out his hand to her. As she took it, he led her away from the altar and down the south nave. Then he spoke again, his voice even quieter than before.
“I know it is difficult to believe at times like this, but you are not alone. Even if it seems that all those who love you have deserted you.”
“It’s not that, Father, it’s just that.. .”
He stopped walking and waited for her to continue.
“I ... have no place any more. I’ve lost so much that ... but I shouldn’t complain, really. I mean I found my father, my home and everything. But ... but there’s no freedom! Everywhere I turn they’re there, pushing me. Nothing I was before matters now. Nothing I did. I shouldn’t complain; I know I have so much now but...” she paused, her eyes searching through the shadows of the basilica as though for answers. “I just don’t know who I am any more.”
Despairing, she looked back at the priest. He responded with a gentle smile. “Yes you do. You know exactly who you are. You’ve not changed, you’ve just taken on more than you can absorb in a short time. You’ll sort it out, sooner or later, and when that happens, you’ll wonder why you had a problem in the first place.”
“But there are problems now, Father,” Jenn protested, but he held up his hand and touched it to her lips.
“You are not alone, Jenn, believe me.”
She started back from him, but he didn’t let go of her hand. Jenn? How had he known who she was? Why had he called her that?
He must have seen the shock in her face. He said quietly, “I believe we have a mutual friend. Finnlay?”
Jenn said nothing, but allowed him to lead her back along the nave towards the door. He continued, “I am Father John Ballan, my lady. If you have any need of me at all, I am always here. If you need to send for me, just ask for Archdeacon Hilderic’s secretary. You are not alone, my child, and never will be.”
He stopped at the door and reached up to trace the figure of the trium on her forehead in blessing. Then with a last quiet smile he was gone.
She meandered down the steps, not even bothering to look back. Not alone? How? Inside her head she was alone—and even if Robert could speak to her, over this distance she was still alone. It was all very good saying that but.. .
“Good afternoon, my lady. Have you been to see our lovely Basilica?”
Jenn turned swiftly at the voice. It was that Guildesman who had been with the King. Nash. He strode up to her with a smile. “It is an enchanting building, is it not? Full of fine works and those glorious windows. We are very proud of it here in Marsay.”
Jenn gathered together what little self-determination she had left and formed a polite response. “Yes indeed, you have every reason to be.”
“Some of us within the Guilde are in fact a little jealous. Our Guilde Hall is rich, of course, but does not have the same soaring splendour of the Basilica. I would show you inside the Hall, but as you know, it is open only to those who have accepted the sacred trust.”
“Of course,” Jenn nodded. Why was he bothering to talk to her—and so pleasantly? Had he been sent by the King?
“Do you walk back to the castle, my lady? Will you allow me to escort you?” Nash bowed slightly and they began walking up the hill towards the gates. “I imagine you have found things to be quite different here in the capital. It must seem so crowded after your months in the peace of Elita.”
She glanced aside at him. “Do you know Elita?”
“I passed by once, many years ago,” he replied. “A breathtaking place with those mountains in the distance. On a clear day I should think you would be able to see for leagues.”
“You can. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it.” Despite her concerns, she found it very easy to converse with this man.
“And have you had the opportunity to get to know it well since?”
“Not really. There’s not been the time with all I’ve had to learn. I look forward to the days when I can ride out and explore the hills and moors. So far I’ve only seen them from the castle tower.”
Nash nodded. “You will forgive me, my lady, but you realize there has been much talk of your surprise return to your father. We all assumed that those children taken during the Troubles were long lost. It seems a miracle that you were found at all. Is it true that you remember nothing of your previous life at Elita?”
Jenn wanted to be nice, wanted to reply in the same pleasant tone, but all she could hear were those women in her head and their spiteful comments. And for all this man’s courteous manner, he was still a member of the Guilde and very close to the King. She said, “I remember nothing at all. It came as a complete surprise to me when I was told of my true heritage. It took me some time to really believe it.”
“And now? I’ve heard some mention of your private devotions. Are you planning a life in the Church?”
Scrambling now, Jenn grasped at the first words that presented themselves. “I ... haven’t decided yet though I confess the life does appeal to me. I have spent too many years wandering and I long for the kind of peace that can be found only within the cloister. Of course, I must wait a little. I have so much learning to catch up on and I am not anxious to leave my father so soon after I have returned.”
Now where the hell did that come from?
“Of course.” Nash nodded and gave her a generous smile. He was quite open and disarming. “Forgive me, my lady, but you are wary of me, are you not?”
Jenn shot a surprised glance at him, but it seemed he didn’t require an answer.
“You are understandably cautious, I know. You wonder if I will report what you say to the King.”
“Well...” Jenn paused, unsure whether to admit the truth or not. There seemed little point in evading it. “I know you are close to the King. I cannot help wondering why he wanted me here.”
Nash laughed, but not unkindly. “You are tactful, my lady. You have no need to be. I’m sure your friends have explained the reasons behind your visit. You should take no personal offence, nor have you any reason to be afraid. The King means you no harm.”
Jenn looked into his eyes and saw only honesty there, a directness not common among the others at court. It was hard not to like him. She smiled hesitantly. “I would never suggest that. But you must know, all this is very new to me.”
“Of course,” Nash smiled again.
They had now reached the inner courtyard, where a crowd of people surrounded a party of riders about to embark towards the hills for the afternoon. Nash glanced at them, then turned back to Jenn. “It would be a great pity if, while you were here, you were not allowed to explore the hills around Marsay, my lady. Do you think your sister would allow me to take you out—perhaps tomorrow?”
“I...” Jenn fumbled. She would love to go out, but with Nash? An Alderman of the Guilde?
“Ah, Nash! There you are!”
They turned as no less a person than Proctor Vaughn approached with long strides. “The King is asking for you, Nash—” he broke off when his eyes landed on Jenn. She blushed under his scrutiny and dropped her gaze.
“Lady Jennifer, I believe,” Vaughn murmured. “I must take this opportunity to welcome you to court—and back to the land of the living.”
Vaughn bowed, but for some reason Jenn couldn’t define, she felt a wave of disquiet brush over her senses. She’d not felt anything like this when spe
aking to the King and tried to put it down to the awful reputation of this man. He was, after all, Robert’s greatest enemy and she was on her guard. Her whole body tensed as if she were about to be attacked.
She looked up to find him smiling with what he probably thought was warmth, but it looked more like a grimace.
“I have been meaning to speak to you, my lady, since I heard of your arrival. Your story interested me. A remarkable rescue. I wonder that His Grace thought to return you to your father so long after your disappearance, but I’m sure he thought it was the noble thing to do. Tell me,” he added, dropping the smile a little, “did he tell you what his plans were?”
Jenn stared into those bleak cold eyes and her disquiet intensified. It was so like the pressure of the Enclave council, but darker, more menacing, like a cavernous sewer. Was it coming from Vaughn? From someone else in the courtyard?
But Vaughn was waiting for an answer. She pretended to misunderstand. “His Grace, my lord Proctor?”
“The Duke of Haddon—of course you would know him as Dunlorn, my apologies. Well?”
“My lord?”
“What do you know of his plans, child?” Vaughn bellowed. People turned to look at them—
And deep inside her, the seeds of panic began to grow. They were all watching her, waiting for her to do or say something wrong. Something that would get her into trouble—or Robert. She was way out of her depth. If only she could just run, run away from all of them.
“I understand your reluctance, my lady,” Vaughn continued, his tone now sickly and soothing. “But you do yourself no service by not answering. You must know Dunlorn is a traitor. Would you put your own loyalties beside his? You must tell me when he plans to come to Marsay. I know he will. I just want to know when.”
Frantically, Jenn struggled for words, for something that would not incriminate Robert. “He ... His Grace said nothing about coming to Marsay. He said only that he would stay at Dunlorn.”
“You’re lying!” Vaughn spat and snatched her hand. “He has tainted you with his evil and now you take his side. Tell me, girl! Tell me the truth!”
Jenn gasped as he crushed her hand. She tried to pull away, but he was much too strong for her. He would have her trapped, imprisoned until she told him what he wanted to hear. He wouldn’t let her go until she said something, anything, that would put Robert into a worse prison. But how could she? Would she lie to get away from this man? To rid herself of the mouldering evil which seeped into her senses with such icy determination?
Yes! Anything—she would do anything to get away. Now. For ever. Get away from these hateful people, their lies, their deceit, their hatred and fear. Her fear. Her senses screamed for release. Yes. She would say anything at all, even ... even...
Betray Robert?
By the gods! What was she doing!
Jenn tore in a breath and stared at the man who held her hand so tight. She saw his narrow eyes, his gaunt face, his deep and forbidding hatred of the one man who had had the courage and strength to defy him. Then she saw him again, as he really was. Petty, greedy, vengeful. When the winds of time swept him away, there would be nothing left of his lust for power, nothing left of him. Just the memory of his evil, twisted mind.
Like a wall tumbling down in her head, all the fears and desperation of the last few weeks and months dropped away. All that remained was a cold, vicious anger.
Deliberately she allowed her eyes to well up with tears. She returned his gaze hesitantly, allowed her voice to tremble just a little. “Forgive me, my lord. I did not mean to appear disobedient.”
As she said this, she reached out with her senses, through his clammy flesh. Something Fiona had talked about. Push, gently at first. Then harder. Push his thoughts away from her, away from Robert.
“I’m sorry, but His Grace spoke only of his wish to return to his home. I believe he plans to remain there. He has no desire to return to court.” Believe me, she pushed harder. Forget about this. Leave me be.
She held his gaze for a moment longer, then abruptly the pressure, the disquiet vanished. Jenn almost sighed with relief.
Vaughn raised an eyebrow and released her hand. When he spoke, it was as though he was entirely pleased with what she’d said. “Very well, my lady. I sincerely hope you enjoy the remainder of your visit. Nash, see Lady Jennifer to her rooms before you go on to the King.”
Vaughn turned and strode away and it was all Jenn could do not to laugh triumphantly. But she was not out of danger yet. She turned back to Nash. “Thank you for your courtesy, sir. But please, do not let me keep you from your duty to the King. I can find my rooms alone. I would enjoy riding out with you tomorrow if my sister agrees.”
Nash raised his eyebrows and for a second looked as though he were about to ask her something. Then the expression changed and he smiled. “I shall seek her permission tonight, then.” He bowed with a flourish, then left her.
She desperately wanted to run; her exhilaration was hard to contain, but she managed a demure walk inside and through the corridors to the last staircase. Then, with a laugh, she bounded up as fast as her skirts would allow and skipped along to the door of her room. She stuck her head inside and finding it empty, strode across the hallway and rapped hard against the door of Bella and Lawrence’s room. She heard a call to enter and marched in.
Bella was seated at the table writing a letter while Lawrence was midway through a heavy book.
“Good, you’re both here,” Jenn said with a quick smile. “I think it’s time we quit this charade and went home. If you like, I’ll get Addie to run down and let our guard know. If we’re quick about it we can be gone in the morning.”
“What,” Bella lifted her head from the letter, “have you gone mad? We can’t just leave here. We’ve not stayed our allotted time. The King...”“
“The King couldn’t care less about me and even if he does, he knows where he can find me. I think we should go.” Jenn grinned, feeling better than she had in a long time. There was a lot to be said for getting angry, especially when that anger was directed at your own self-pity and fear.
“But we can’t leave,” Bella insisted.
“Look, if the King really wants to make sure I stay, we’ll find out soon enough,” she pointed out.
Lawrence moved across the room in his usual quiet way. “Look, Jenny, I think you’re being a little hasty here.”
“No, Lawrence, I’m not. I know exactly what I’m doing. We’ve played this game long enough, this business about keeping our heads low because we’re so afraid of what might happen. Believe me, Selar sees no threat in me, no threat that can’t be solved by marrying me off. I’ve had enough of apologizing for my return—of apologizing for my House. It took me thirteen years to come back to it and I’m damned if I’m going to be ashamed of my name now! Let’s get packing.”
“But Jenny,” Lawrence tried once more.
“And while we’re at it,” she stopped him with a blistering smile, “I’d rather you didn’t call me Jenny. Jenn or Jennifer will do just fine.”
She turned and started back out of the door, flinging a final comment over her shoulder. “Let me know if you need any help packing.”
Moonlight danced on the waters of the Vitala like so many glow-worms in the night. A gentle breeze wafted across the valley and through the window of Nash’s room. He turned his face into it, let it caress his cheek, brush the hair across his eyes.
Selar had laughed. He’d laughed at her audacity. He’d laughed and said, let her go. He’d laughed.
Of necessity, Nash had laughed with him, knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop her. Not this time.
By the blood, he had been so close! She’d walked alongside him, so near he could have touched her. He’d taken his time, knowing that his work could not be rushed, and believing she would stay in Marsay for the full month but no, she was gone.
Valena was waiting for him, expecting him to come to her rooms. She would want to know what had ha
ppened, but just at this moment, he had lost all appetite for her cloying affections. He needed to do some serious thinking. He’d come a long way over the last year, so far that he’d attained the kind of close friendship with Selar that he required. But it was not close enough yet, or he would have been able to stop Jenn from leaving.
Casually, like the touch of the breeze, he sent his senses out into the night. Now that he had met her, he should be able to find her, Seek her wherever she was. But he felt nothing, just like this afternoon.
Oh, she’d handled Vaughn so skilfully. Nash had made a simple attempt to reach out and touch her shielding, but he’d failed completely. All he could See of her was her absence. Yes, she was powerful indeed, just as he’d always been told.
He picked up the ancient manuscript left forgotten on the window seat and stared at the tight scrawl and crushed italics. The language was old Saelic, unknown in modern times. There were not a dozen scholars within the Guilde who could have read this scrap—and even fewer who would understand a single word of its meaning. But Nash could.
Let her live not nor be not alone. For she will be the guiding light against the Angel of Darkness. She is the light of hope and that which will break us. We strive for her life even as she for our destruction. She is the last of her line. All ends and begins with her. Cherish and rejoice in her and be joined together with her for all eternity.
Nash gazed out the window once more as a pale breath of cloud drifted across the moon. He let the paper fall to the ground and the cool breeze touch his face once more.
Jennifer Ross. The Ally. He must either take her—or destroy her.
So be it.
Chapter 15
Finnlay swung his legs out over the corner of the staircase and settled on to the cold stone step. With his back against the pillar he folded his arms and continued watching the scene in the stableyard below. Robert and Deverin were practising with sword and dagger—at least, Deverin was practising. It was anybody’s guess what Robert was doing. Finnlay’s brother had always been something of a natural with the sword. As a young man he’d had some fine teachers but, one by one, Robert had surpassed them all and had then made a point of passing what he knew on to Finnlay. However, there were a few moves Robert was now making on Deverin that Finnlay had never seen before. Even more unsettling was the single-minded method Robert had employed against his opponent the moment they’d taken up the weapons.
