* * *
From the (pre-publication and unedited) Memoirs of Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington. (Five volumes. London 1830.)
‘…certain defeat and serve them right, when I heard that the d*mned rebel Frenchies had finally turned to fight at the old field of Agincourt. Naturally, I rejoiced like any decent Englishman would, and made all haste to get my army over there to do their worst. The omens all looked d*mned good.
Omens? Stuff o’ nonsense! Never underestimate the stupidity of Johnny foreigner—especially ones called ‘count’ this or ‘duke’ that. As much use as a chocolate teapot the lot d*mned lot of them!
Well, with nigh 50,000 English troops—scum of the earth of course, but seasoned fighters—on the way to lend a hand you might have thought the blasted Austrian and Rusky dunderheads would have held back till we could combine our forces. It wasn’t as if we were across the ocean in China—our advance guard was less than half a day’s march off! We could have been there well before bad light postponed play!
But no, by G*d’s teeth and turban, they wouldn’t wait, d*mn their eyes! If you ask me my opinion, they didn’t want to share the glory. Bl**dy fools! Bl**dy foreigners!’
* * *
From Memoirs of the Arch-duke Franz-Joseph IV (Vienna. 1863)
Volume 1; ‘My Early Years and Tribulations’
‘…foreigners but welcome allies. A column of Russians was to our left: royal-blue clad grenadiers from Muscovy burning to punish the ungodly French who had dared to kill not one king but two! A cloud of Cossack riders with lance and bow (soldiers, it seemed to me, from another century), preceded and surrounded them. Horse artillery of the most modern kind trundled beside, making the scene gay with their jingling horse accoutrements.
Soon the French front line was driven back on their main body—or I should say one French line, for to our right were the gallant French royalists, smallest of our three converging army columns but by no means the least in zeal. Holy banners and relics went before them and they sang in joyful anticipation of battle.’
* * *
From: Because History Demanded It! Random Recollections of a Revolutionary by Jean-Marie Martine (Parthenopian Republican Press, Naples, Year 1 [1870 old-style])
.’.. battle few of us thought to survive. On, on, they came in endless number: Reaction personified; the armies of the Hapsburgs and Romanovs and pretend-French lickspittles of the Bourbon pretender. And the nearer they came the more confident and invincible they seemed and the more our spirit drained away. How could we, mere ragged volunteers armed only with Revolutionary fervour, prevail against these gloriously arrayed professionals, these same veteran troops who had previously defeated the tyrant Bonaparte, the greatest general of his age?
Our sole comfort was that our few were not pitted against even worst odds. Three mighty columns converged on us, it was true, but it could so easily have been four. In their sure expectation of victory and ancien-regime arrogance, the allies failed to wait for the English army, mere miles away and currently dashing in our direction with all the misplaced energy of that benighted nation.
However, little did they know—and nor did we—that a fifth column would decide the day.’
* * *
From: A Christian Philosopher in Arms—being the sacred and profane memoirs of Count Charles Bonhomme, Gendarme (privately printed, Avignon, 1890)
‘…the day not be ours? It was inconceivable. As we neared the Atheists’ line our brave warriors spontaneously quickened their pace, such was their hunger and thirst to reclaim the good name of Mother France, France the eternal, France the legitimate, seat of Kings and saints, loyal daughter of the Church!
Our officers could not contain this zeal. We zouaves were at the charge even before coming within rifle range. As for me, it was my plan to draw close to the cowardly barricade these king-killers skulked behind and then hurl over it the sacred regimental banner I bore. Thus I hoped to provoke and inspire my companions in arms to scale the fortification and rescue our flag, lest it be captured and our honour lost with it.
And if, God forbid, none should chose to follow me, well: I resolved to attack alone and earn earthly glory and a Heavenly crown via a martyr’s death!
But then...’
* * *
From the transcript of the court martial of Captain-general Franz-Joseph IV, 1820 (unpublished; secure collection; Imperial Hapsburg Archive, Vienna)
‘…but then I heard a babble of excited French voices —nothing unusual there, you may say—but these came not from the enemy to our front, but from our Gallic allies to one side. The babble swiftly turned into alarm, and then to cries of ‘Treason! Treason!’ and ‘We are betrayed!’
Then they routed through us, bringing our good order into utter disorder. Very rapidly all was lost and the horrors of Hell unleashed onto the Earth.
Years have passed since but they have not been put back yet...’
* * *
From: a poster of the early Second Revolutionary period.
Pan-Europe Ephemera collection. Helsinki. 13th edition electronic catalogue 2008.
Undated but signed by “Auguste BLANQUI, First Citizen, President of the Society of Rights, First Amongst Equals, Provisional Chief commissioner of the Committee of Public Safety”.
‘EMERGENCY PROCLAMATION
CITIZENS—TO ARMS!
The enemy is at the gate! The kings return intending to drown France in blood!
Wherefore:
Order of the New Committee of Public Safety number 1:
A GRAND MOBILISATION en-mass is decreed. All males between the ages of 12 and 60 shall report to their local Revolutionary prefecture for arms and enrolment and then rendezvous at the Revolutionary Army camp at Paris.
Order of the New Committee of Public Safety number 2:
The ban on Revivalism and Frankensteinian science is hereby suspended until further notice.
Order of the New Committee of Public Safety number 3:
All Revivalist technicians are hereby conscripted into state service until further notice.
All graveyards, mortuaries, chapels of repose and recent cadavers are hereby sequestered to state use.
LONG LIVE THE SOVEREIGN PEOPLE!
DEATH TO ALL KINGS!
DEATH TO DEATH!’
* * *
From the (pre-publication and unedited) Memoirs of Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington. Five volumes. London 1830.
‘…death to continue. What little I could gather from the sheep-like survivors of the confounded debacle suggests a horde of d*mned Revolutionary Frenchies, living and otherwise, poured into the exposed Allied army flank, catching the over-confident blighters by surprise. Led by that Blanqui fellow we should have hung when we had the chance during the Occupation. Which only goes to show you the great folly of milk-and-water moderation. Dead men do no mischief, that’s what I say! If you see what I mean. It always was the case before that d*mn Frankenstein fellow’s meddling. Save in Christ’s case—but I digress.
Be that as it may, couple everything with our ‘gallant’ allies not having seen so many undead before and you can almost forgive the foreigners running. Almost. They said the Lazaran undead were all frenzied up and ripping men to shreds...
Well, your brittle continental type soldier can’t stomach such stuff and they turned and run so fast a whippet couldn’t catch ‘em! By the time we turned up it was an absolute bl**dy shambles. Had to fight our way off the battlefield and all the way to the coast, harassed all the time by Lazarans you needs must hack to bits to get them off you. One bit the throat out of my horse as I sat on it: dashed impudence! I was quite fond of the beast. And my personal aide de camp got eaten—which was a devil of a job explaining to his mother. I thought she’d never stop blubbing.
Eventually, we got to some God-forsaken hole called Dunkerque and the d*mned Navy, better late than never, blasted the beach until there was space to take us off. But permit me to inform you, it was a confounded close
run thing...’
* * *
From Decisive Battles of the Western World by Sir Charles Oman (London, 1930)
Volume II: ‘The Second Battle of Agincourt, 1819’
‘…close run thing but elements of the Allied army fought their way out to fight another day. Nevertheless, the victory of ‘Second Agincourt’ was so resounding that not only did it guarantee French independence and the survival of the proto-Conventionary regime, but also gave birth to a remarkable elan which carried the Revolutionary (and predominately undead) armies to Vienna, Rome, Athens, Cairo and beyond, in an unstoppable tide. Burdened by Papist prejudices against similar mass use of ‘Lazaran’ legions, the opposing continental powers struggled to maintain their own borders, let alone counter the Revolutionary threat.
Indeed, for some while after even the shores of Great Britain were not immune from Lazaran “new-citizen” incursions and the likelihood of full-scale invasion. Only reluctant recourse to Revivalism, albeit less promiscuous than across the Channel, served to flesh out (if the reader will excuse the term) Albion’s defences sufficient to preserve its freedom
Meanwhile, on the continent, the French conquests acquired such an extent as to merit the name of Empire, but blushing to term it so, the Revolutionary Convention was pleased to call its realm the “New Civilisation”.
Such is the vanity and self-deceit of rulers. However, to those, living and dead, who laboured under the yoke of that “civilisation”, it seemed like a fresh Dark Age had descended.’
* * *
CIVIL SERVICE SELECTION BOARD
JOINT HOME OFFICE & FOREIGN OFFICE
FAST STREAM EXAMINATION—PAPER 1
To be held at the Banqueting Hall, Westminster Palace, at 10.00 a.m. sharp on the 13th day of February in the Year of Our Lord Eighteen hundred and thirty-five, also the 5th Year of the reign of His Gracious Majesty, William IV, King of Great Britain and the Dominions, Protector of the French Realm, Guardian of the Gate to Life, Defender of the Faith & etc.
TIME ALLOWED: 3 HOURS.
No candidate will be permitted entrance more than five minutes after commencement. No hounds or servants or family members may accompany any candidate. No Lazarans likewise. All books, paperwork and such and weaponry must be lodged with the invigilators upon pain, if detected, of exclusion and failure—without exception. All candidates shall first provide the doorman with proof of vitality by a pricking of the (visible) skin and production of blood, or else a surgeon’s note authenticated by a public notary that day.
CANDIDATES FOR THE FOREIGN OFFICE MUST ANSWER AT LEAST TWO QUESTIONS FROM SECTION A, AND AT LEAST ONE QUESTION EACH FROM BOTH SECTIONS B & C. CONVERSELY, HOME OFFICE (INCLUDING SECRET SERVICE) CANDIDATES MUST ANSWER AT LEAST TWO QUESTIONS FROM SECTION B AND AT LEAST ONE QUESTION EACH FROM BOTH SECTION A & C.
Examination scripts contrary or superfluous to the above instructions will be entirely disregarded. THE EXAMINERS’ WORD IS FINAL.
SECTION A—MODERN HISTORY
1. Outline the main events of the Second French Revolution from either:
‘The Massacre of Mons’ to ‘Second Agincourt.’ OR: Establishment of the Conventionary Government to ‘The People’s Declaration of Eternal War.’
2. ’The Allies’ occupation of France 1816-18 prompted legitimate grievances leading to the Second French Revolution. Foremost amongst them were reparations and the veto on Frankensteinian Science.’ Demolish this outrageous farrago.
3. Identify the main phases of the PROMETHEAN WAR, either:
1820—1828 OR:
1830—date.
Further, identify three signs of France’s inevitable defeat.
4. The precise date of Buonaparte’s revival by the Godless French regime may be precisely identified through examination of their conduct of the war. Discuss in relation to the so-called ‘Great Breakthrough’ and the ‘Month of Marching’ which followed it.
SECTION B—HOME AFFAIRS & POLITICAL DISCOURSE
1. Temporary suspension of Habeas corpus and other sundry antique and impertinent laws has been the salvation of the British Nation. What arguments would you muster against those unpatriotic elements who opine otherwise?
2. The thrust of English Foreign policy is to deny continental European hegemony to any one power. Can you conceive of any circumstances by which the French regime might be our ally in this cause?
NB.All answers will be considered purely hypothetical. The terms of the 1818 ‘Treachery Within The Realm Act’ shall not apply.
3. You are a Grade 7 Local Government Major General in England. An anti-Revivalist agitational group is established in your area. What administrative and/or coercive actions would you take to liquidate it, assuming said group comprised:
Item: Gentry and members of the quality, OR:
Item: Papists, OR:
Item: Quakers or other nonconformist Protestants, OR:
Item: French exiles.
4. Outline the Anglican Church’s evolving accommodation with Frankensteinian Revivalist Science 1800—1823, up to and including the Council of Tintern. Illustrate your answer by reference to specific synods and encyclicals.
NB1. No reference need be made to Papist intransigence.
NB2. No reference need be made to the untimely but unquestionably accidental demise of Archbishop Butt.
SECTION C—APPLIED PHILOSOPHY
1. The French Conventionary Government’s promiscuous use of the Revived for its military and agricultural and industrial workforce is motivated by:
Item: The exhaustion of French manpower by forty years of war, OR:
Item: The wicked and atheistic nature of the regime.
To which of these explanations do you primarily subscribe and why?
2. ‘Revolutions or the fear of revolutions had more to do with the dissolution of the Holy Alliance against France than the Battle of Second Agincourt.’ Discuss Gibbon’s cynical and fatuous contention.
3. Prince Talleyrand said that the restored Bourbon monarchy had both ‘forgotten and learnt nothing. Against stupidity even the Almighty struggles in vain.’ Discuss this d*mnable slander on legitimist principles.
4. Outline the 10 (ten) main ethical objections to Lazaran legal rights and acquisition of legal personality by the Revived. Would a Revived monarch undermine rights of succession? Is the Revived Incan monarchy ‘utterly illegitimate and unholy’ as Pope Leo XX brazenly declared?
* * *
Regulations for Scholars of Trinity College, Oxford, as revised, reissued and delivered of the Master and Proctors, this Year of Grace 1834.
‘Stricture number the 314th: no undergraduate shall retain in College any animal, excepting with permission ONE hound, ONE hawk, ONE horse, donkey or mule or other beast of conveyance. Nor shall any scholar feed and sustain any other such creature, whether wild or tame, two or four-legged, as their particular pet. Ratters shall be maintained by the College and no other party. The definition of ‘animal,’ ‘pet,’ and ‘ratter’ shall be at the entire discretion of the Master. Loss of one or more limb shall not preclude any beast from inclusion in the category of two or four-legged. BEARS are zealously excluded from all aspects of College life, regardless of Lord Byron’s precedent.
‘Stricture number the 315th: no undergraduate shall be attended by more than TWO Lazarans as his body servants or protectors, their given names to be supplied in writing to the proctors before the commencement of term in which residence begins. Excepting peers of the Realm who may be attended by up to FOUR undead. To avoid scandal and vice all Lazaran retainers shall be demonstrably MALE—this fact to be self-evident without need of disrobing.
Such permitted attendants are to be entirely fed, clothed and ordered by their master. They shall wear adequate apparel at all times, said apparel to prominently display both their given name and that of their master. The College shall have the entire prerogative to dispose of any Lazaran that offends against decency, public sensitivities, the statutes of Trinity or the law of Engl
and. Undergraduates are not permitted to exercise capital punishment upon any Lazaran in their charge in accordance with the stipulations above, save with the express permission of the College authorities. All such condign penalties shall be exacted upon the College gallows ONLY.
‘Stricture number the 316th: No whore-mongering shall be permitted. Neither shall any undergraduate avail himself of more than ONE bottle of fortified wine before morning divine service or TWO before evensong, unless...’
PART TWO: LIFE
(From the ‘Provincial News’ page of The Daily Sans-Culotte, Paris departement edition, 2nd Thermidor, Year 13.)
ANTI-CITIZENS APPREHENDED
Intelligence is received from the village of Vertillac, near Bergerac, that a cell of counter-revolutionaries has been detected red-handed in the practice of its iniquities. Readers can be straightaway reassured that these sub-humans in mortal guise were speedily liquidated according to the enlightened norms of Revolutionary justice.
However, the shocking facts as reported by our Bordeaux Department correspondent merit relating for their instructional value.
Frankenstein's Legions Page 19
