#43 FEEL
The rest of the day passed by slowly and they didn't talk much. Julian even left her alone on the veranda so that she could feel better and contemplate in peace. He came back in his invisible form and watched Mia. It was fascinating for him to see how she was thinking about something. She smiled and then she was bothered and then she was happier again.
It was always interesting for him to watch people when they didn't see him and thought they were alone. Then they sometimes acted according to the well-known saying of Mark Twain: "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
In addition, her person was so interesting for him that he could watch her for hours. She was a riddle for him and it was the first reason for him to be interested in her, solving her riddle. He had to puzzle for the first time. Until now, he never had to try to understand a human without reading minds. He already knew that she was different from other people. Julian couldn't describe it with words, but he had a special feeling about her and she became his obsession from the very beginning. Something inside of him wanted to have her at his side and to protect her all the time, to make her happy, to care about her. He didn't know that feeling until he met her.
Moreover, he saw her not only through his eyes, but he saw some sides of her through Sebastian’s eyes. His best friend seemed to be charmed by her as well. It was very complicated. On the one hand, Julian was somehow jealous of Sebastian, because his best friend had more opportunities to get to know her and he didn't use them in the best possible way. He could get her to talk about something and he just left her doing what she wanted to do and didn't get any information from her, if she didn't give it to him. Sebastian was in love with her.
Love... Julian heard this word so much and he has already observed many fates of people. He could reconstruct mother love or family relationships. His family was important for him, too, but it wasn't the kind of feeling which humans had. Love seemed to be a special feeling, which he didn't understand and didn't feel. He was able to like someone or even like very much, but he wasn't able to let himself fall, because there was no feeling of any need to do it.
Julian liked to see Mia smiling. Even if she didn't realize it, he was still observing her. He liked to see her astonished by something, e.g. his paintings. She was sweet and innocent, a daydreamer and very creative. Mia had the flaw of freshness and curiosity, which often seems to lead you into trouble. He liked her coldness, coolness, and self-control. However, the way he liked anything about her was different from why he liked other beings. It wasn't comparable with feelings towards his family and towards humans. She made him feel in a special, unique way. And he enjoyed it. He enjoyed feeling this way.
In fact, she was the first being, which was very special for him. At her side, he knew he was at the right place. It was like a beginning of a new life or achieving a new level that you didn't know that exists. Of course, he knew there was such a feeling, but to know about it and to feel it, made a huge difference. You know about many things, but still you don't feel everything. It is as if you tried to describe how it is to be replete when you have a starving person around. Julian didn't eat and every description of taste made no sense to him. He wasn't able to imagine whether something was delicious, spicy, too salty, tasty or juicy. It was like with colours: whether you can see red, white, orange, blue and all their possible shades or not. In the area of food, he was a victim of food daltonism. In the area of love, he was presently making first steps. He saw more than just himself and her. The range of feelings, which she has brought to his life already, dazzled him. He couldn't understand it and maybe that was the point: you cannot understand love; you have to feel it. He stood in front of her and looked at her in silence. People repeated over centuries that you have to follow your heart and to do what you know is right. Julian felt she was his destiny and he trusted it.
However, there were some sorrows, which bothered him. First, he didn't know much about her. He tried to find as much information about her as he could, but it still wasn't much. This was the smallest sorrow.
Next, there was Sebastian, his best friend at this time. At least Sebastian repeated it all the time and Julian didn't mind. He already had some “best friends forever” and sooner or later they died, because humans don't live long from his perspective. This was a problem with many faces. Sebastian felt something about Mia as well and Sebastian was a human; Mia was a human and it could work out. Such an idea made Julian angry inside. It couldn't work out. In fact, this was a problem. As you know, worldwide, you don't start anything with a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend of your best friend. There were two solutions: leave the best friend behind or forget about the girl. Both options were not possible, because Sebastian was his responsibility and she was a special person for him. To leave one of them alone would be a massive betrayal.
Julian once dreamt of her and he carried this picture with him over centuries. He already knew her face before he even had to know her. Moreover, Sebastian wasn't only his best friend, but also a person he was responsible for. Julian’s activities should be directed to help Sebastian to be happy and satisfied.
How should Julian decide who was more important for him? He wasn't able to. Both of them were unique and significant and he couldn't make a choice. If Sebastian got mad about her, Julian could still care about him in his invisible form, and he could observe Mia in the same way. Nevertheless, Julian had to be close to Sebastian until it was important. Moreover, he couldn't say how long it should take.
He already gave spiritual counsel to Sebastian, but Sebastian didn't realize it. Julian was mostly invisible and at first as Sebastian moved to Warsaw he arranged a get-together and in this way, they met each other personally.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 44
