#55 LET ME SUFFER IN SILENCE
He followed her with a growing collision of joy, satisfaction and sorrow inside of him. This time she was very slow. Some streets further she finally looked back and he saw she was thinking about something. She stopped and looked around.
It was already a very late evening and there were almost no people out there. It started to rain. Apparently, she didn't notice it. Mia slowed down and started to limp more than before. She didn't hide her problem with walking anymore, and actually she decided that no one cares about her limping anyway.
Julian felt worse with every further step she took. He never thought he could feel like this. He watched how she suffered and how many stops she made. He walked next to her. He didn't look around; he focussed on her face. He wanted to give his life for her and analysed whether he should help her right now. It could cause too many problems. He didn’t want to be seen by her as a monster. He had to wait for the right moment to come. Until then, he intended to follow her.
She stopped. There was a bench and she steadied herself on it for a longer while. She breathed heavily, narrowly. He heard her counting for herself. She went some more metres and stopped again. She was at the end of the street and she smiled a little. It was a normal living area in Warsaw. There were many similar buildings with four floors and if you didn't know the area, you could easily get lost. She started to walk again and he followed her. Julian was so close to her that if he were visible, she could easily lean on his shoulder.
One way or another, Mia managed to open the heavy door and paused once more. She looked at the stairs in front of her and she wasn't happy. She felt even very poorly. She was looking like a beaten animal. She counted to three and she made some slow moves towards the stairs. Then she rested and gathered her strength. After that, she counted again to three and moved a little further. He could see how much effort she had to put into reaching the third floor.
He was torn. On the one hand, he wanted to help her, but on the other hand, she didn't want his help. She didn't give any sign for him to let her help, she didn't ask, she didn't smile, she didn't come across the street. She just turned her back on him. In addition, he wasn't really allowed to contact her so much. This restriction was the least important. Julian was simply worried about getting a rejection. She could easily send him home and say that it wasn't his business. For the first time in his life, Julian experienced the feeling of probable refusal. He used to take everything for granted and it usually was OK. Now, he was scared. In this moment, he understood why Sebastian was always so sensitive towards Mia: Sebastian was scared of refusal, too. When you don't know a feeling, you don’t understand it. In the moment, you feel a specific emotion for the first time; you already know how to interpret it. It is as if you had this feeling already in you, but in an inactivated form. When you get into a certain situation, you activate it and discover how it feels.
Julian felt as if he should not have come here. However, it was too late for it. He was too deep into it already. He had made his decision and now he had to wait for an occasion to show himself.
In the end, she was sitting down on the floor of her apartment. She even didn't turn the lights on. She was exhausted. Her breath became shorter and now she tried to relax. Mia was just sitting there and he sat down next to her. He observed her very carefully. In this light, it was more difficult, but she seemed to have enough strength to live. He saw it and was at least not worried about this anymore. However, he wasn't happy either. She was going through some strange stuff and if she wasn't sadomasochistic, then she had a great problem. He wanted to touch her and help her. Then, he wouldn't get an answer from her.
Probably she wouldn't say a word and like this, he was able to see what is going on. It was the very first time he was in her apartment and he was curious how she lived. He noticed some cameras installed in the corridor. It was strange. Was she being observed? Why? By whom?
Mia stood up after a while and struggled in doing so. She went into the kitchen very slowly. She didn't look into the other rooms, not even for a short moment, she went directly into the kitchen. She warmed her milk and drank the entire cup. She stayed there for a while and was very concentrated. She was thinking about the troubles that she was in. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so sad. She forced herself to go into the bathroom. Then she closed the door and for the first time she turned the light on. Here was no camera.
Mia looked around. She checked the whole room and only then, she tried to take her clothes off. He looked in another direction. He didn't want to be indiscreet. Then she stood in her underwear and watched herself in a mirror. He looked quickly at her and when he was sure she wasn't naked, he looked at her once again. She lost a lot of weight. She was so thin that he had the impression she would break if anyone would touch her. She had many bruises and the wound he stitched for her was opened, because the white medical bandage was bloody. She seemed not to care about it. Although she was in such a bad condition, he couldn't take his eyes of her.
She put on some other clothes, which were laying on the washing machine. She took a blanket from there, too, and she carefully sat down. She leaned on the bathtub and closed her eyes. He didn't want her to suffer any longer and he broke the rules he was supposed to follow. He touched her and she groaned quietly. Mia fell asleep.
As soon as Julian was sure that she was sleeping, he took his normal visible form and sent her energy. Once again, there was a small connection between them that was seen as a blue light. She smiled while she was sleeping and he changed back into invisibility. He sat down close to her and let her head fall down at his shoulder.
Julian was scared. He was really scared about her. For the first time in life he didn't know what to do. Sitting here with her, he realized he missed her even more than he assumed. As soon as he saw her for real and not only in the memories and thoughts of Sebastian, Julian felt much better. He felt that a heavy stone fell down from his heart. Now, he stroked her with his right hand and sensed her hair beneath his fingers. She was deeply asleep. She didn't feel it. Her lids were very thin and below her eyes were the dark signs of exhaustion. She was quite pale or even grey. She was so skinny, only skin and bones, unrecognisable compared to the girl he met some weeks ago. She had been a curious, ambitious, cheerful, intelligent girl with energy in her eyes. Now as she was sleeping, she seemed to be almost dead. He had already seen many dead people and knew she wasn't far away from being dead. He was afraid to touch her. He didn't want to hurt her. She could break apart so easily.
He was calmer now being close to her. He wasn't torn anymore. Julian knew that his place was by her side. It was so obvious for him in this moment. He wondered why he had doubted it at all. He wanted to be with her forever. It was such a simple answer to all his fears. She was his fate. She was the girl from his dream. She was the only one who he didn't want to lose and who he wanted to protect for every price. She was the sun in his solar system. She was the missing part of his life and even if he should spend the rest of his existence alone and in pain, he wanted to spend as much time with her now as it was possible. Moreover, he didn't want her to be hurt again.
At this point, he had to talk with her. She should not think he was her enemy. She should know, he was her friend and he was very, very protective about her. Now he had to decide how he should do this.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 57
