#84 HANG OVER
Already at school, Mia felt strange. She had had some bad dreams, which she didn't remember after waking up. However, this bad feeling of the dreamt nightmare remained and everything else became unimportant. She didn't wonder how she came to her room. It wasn't normal for her to sleep in clothes. Apparently, she must have been tired and fallen asleep. It had never happened before that she felt so tired that she fell asleep in her clothes. However, this wasn't what bothered her. She had a strange feeling and she already knew with what she should connect it. It was a sense of foreboding, it wasn't as huge as usually, but it was there again. She was convinced that something was about to happen and she was unsettled.
All the way to school, she was thinking about it but she didn't come to a solution. When she arrived at school, she saw one of her classmates, Viola, who was standing there waiting for someone. Mia wanted to pass her by, but Viola said to her:
-We have to talk.
Mia was surprised and followed her classmate. They were standing behind the main building and it started to rain.
-Don’t you mind to go in? Otherwise, we’ll be wet. – Mia said politely.
Viola looked wicked at Mia and she talked in the same vicious tone:
-How do you dare to meet this guy?
Mia stunned.
-What are you talking about?
-I saw you with him yesterday after school. Forget him; he is not a guy for you.
Mia didn't answer; instead, she turned around and wanted to leave. She didn't want to have such a conversation. Nobody had the right to give her instructions. Viola held her arm and Mia stopped. Mia couldn't stand it, if someone was touching and limiting her. She turned around very quickly and in the same moment she twisted in a way that allowed her to catch Viola at her hand and it was painful. After Mia saw a grimace on Viola’s face, she stepped back and let Viola’s hand free.
-Don’t you ever do this again. – Mia warned.
Viola smiled scared.
-You’re the same like you were in the camp. You’re screwed.
Mia didn't react to this suggestion and walked away. She still had a bad feeling and nothing could cheer her up now.
The incident with Viola was iffy, but it didn't matter. It wasn't about Viola, it was about Jonas. Somehow, it was about Viola as well. Viola was the only person who knew Mia from the past. Somehow, it was creepy. Mia remembered the time in the camp when she met Viola. It was in summer and the camp was for two weeks. Children from socially deprived families went there and became a therapy for two weeks. Mia was the only one who didn't participate in the healing courses for real. In fact, she was there, but she never talked about her problems like other children did. Her most vivid memory about these camps, where she was sent to when she was six and seven years old, were the cold walls of the hostel. It looked almost like a prison to her. It was a very inhuman place where children were gathered and questioned almost like during trials. Everyone had to describe their stories. If you didn't do it, you were punished. You didn't get anything to eat or you were not allowed to sleep. Most children started to talk after a night without sleep and after a long day without food. Their stories were not extraordinary and worth to starve for or to have a lack of sleep. This was called a successful beginning of a therapy.
Mia was supposed to tell her story. She stood there, in the middle of an icy room, children looking at her and a tall, thin man with a beard asked her with a creepy smile to explain her problem. Mia remained absolutely silent. The course instructor kept asking her the same question: “What happened to you?” and she was mute. She didn't get anything to eat and she wasn't allowed to sleep for a couple of nights. She kept hearing this one question: “What happened to you?”
Mia trembled. She didn't know why she had to go to such camps and she didn't understand why it had to be so humiliating. Even today, she had nightmares about it sometimes. In addition, this question was very clearly in her head at this moment.
Mia remembered Viola who was quite a big girl in this camp and Viola cried a lot. Viola had problems with her stepfather who was violent to her family. It was very shameful for her to admit the real situation in her house. It should exist a way to solve this problem, but nothing changed. Mia was thinking repeatedly about the intention of such camps.
Suddenly, Mia thought that these camps were quite similar to the meetings with Jonas. He was always asking the same questions and Mia didn't give any answers. She got something to eat (she could buy food with her own money, but Jonas’s steady control was humiliating). Maybe that was why Mia was so much relieved when she got away from his cameras and from this apartment, which she would never freely call her home? The more time went by the more nervous Mia became. Subsequently, she knew it. It is about to start again.
Mia had a headache and fever and the world was spinning around in a way, which wasn't a good sign. It was frightening. She wanted to leave the school as fast as possible. She had to wait up to the end of this lesson and skip the last lesson. She had to go out and breathe the fresh air.
The minutes were passing by so slowly that Mia wasn't sure whether the time was standing still at some point. She starred at her watch and tried to stay focused on what was going on around her. The teacher was explaining some chemical formulas, but Mia didn't pay enough attention. She wasn't able to participate in this lesson. Her head was pulsating and the pain was tearing her head apart. It was like a bomb, about to explode any moment.
Finally, there was a break and Mia left the school running. While she was standing at the stairs, she saw the black BMW of Jonas and she was convinced that this was a very bad sign for her. She went to the car and a tall, strong man in a black suit and with a black shirt opened her door. She got into the car and sat down in the back seat. The car stared to drive away and she looked shortly back at her school. They were driving for a couple of minutes and Mia didn't know where they were. Then the car stopped and Jonas appeared after he opened the door. He sat next to Mia. Without looking at her, he ordered to drive on. He was angry, but satisfied at the same moment. Mia didn't understand what he was planning and she didn't break the silence.
-Do you think about where we are going? – asked Jonas with an animal satisfaction in his face.
Mia didn't show any reaction.
-You know, I left you here and I wanted to see how you spend your time and you didn't even go back home. My men alarmed me that you’re still out of home. In fact, it made me curious. In the end, every person has to have a place to sleep. – Jonas was speaking quickly and clearly. His intonation using the word “home” was like bad cacophony for Mia’s ears. It wasn’t a nice Prokofiev’s piece, it was a brutal, harsh discordance of sound.
–So, I was so curious that I even left my business and came back earlier to see what’s going on here. Now I am asking you, Mia, what is going on here?
She stayed calm outside, but inside she was more than twisted and nervous.
-I already know that you won’t tell me anything, so I have a surprise for you.
The car stopped and Jonas gave her a cell phone. It was an iPhone with a wide screen.
-I think I have to leave now, so have fun watching it.
Then he got out of the car with a great smile on his creepy face. Mia held the cell phone, staring at it. Nothing happened. The car started to drive again and it was still silent. Mia was thinking about what Jonas said, but she couldn't come to any conclusion. Then the phone rang. She pushed the green button and saw Jonas.
-As I already told you, I have a surprise for you. It is up to you how it will end.
He said and smiled even with more satisfaction as he already showed while sitting next to her.
Jonas stepped back and Mia could see her grandmother sitting in a chair. Her eyes were blindfolded. Mia was quite sure they were in the house of Jonas. The room was bright and glittery, because outside the sun was shining.
-So, Mia, I knew I wouldn't get any information from you. Mor
eover, I already knew that I wouldn't get any information from your grandma. Your grandma doesn't know anything valuable about you, and she barely knows you. My point is that it is up to you how she will die.
The last word he said with a special tone and her grandmother trembled hearing it. Mia stayed calm. Jonas came closer to her grandmother and something shiny appeared in his hand. Was it a knife?
-And I already asked you a question and I would like you to start talking to me. Will you?
Mia stared at the screen and couldn't believe he was doing this.
-Mia, I won’t ask again. Will you?
-I will. – She said quietly.
-I didn't hear you... – Jonas was smiling crookedly.
-I will! – She repeated louder.
-I don’t believe you. And I know that you don’t care much about your grandmother. If I were you, this woman would mean nothing to me. Therefore, it doesn’t matter whether I will kill her now or tomorrow. You will not tell me what I want to know. My chances for a talk with you are very bad. Consequently, it doesn’t matter what you promise me right now. I just wanted to warn you: be honest to me, baby, because otherwise something bad can happen.
In this moment, Jonas went to her grandmother and stabbed the knife into her chest.
The quality of the picture on the iPhone wasn't optimal, but Mia could see her grandmother dying. It was a quick death. It was too easy. Mia’s breathe stuck in her lungs and she couldn't move.
-So, my dear Mia – said Jonas seriously – you know that I am not joking. In fact, I am watching you. I will call you these days. So behave.
Then the car stopped suddenly. Mia fell on the seat in front of her, because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
-Mia, and now run as far as you can! – ordered Jonas.
She didn't wait to hear it a second time. She jumped out of the car and ran away. She was somewhere in the city and she almost fell down on the sidewalk. She stood up quickly and ran. After some seconds, she heard an explosion. She stopped and turned around. It was Jonas’s car, which was burning right now. In addition, she felt she was exploding. She was being torn apart.
She didn't wait long to watch the situation develop. While curious people went in the direction of the burning car, she was going away. She knew she wouldn’t go to Sebastian tonight. She knew she wouldn’t go to Julian tonight, either. She had to protect them and therefore, she had to leave this city.
She didn't have much money. She didn't have any place where she could go to. She just knew that she had to leave this town right now. Nothing was holding her here and she didn't want anything else to happen. She knew that she had some money in her apartment and she wanted to take it and then take the first train to leave Warsaw. She started to run and after some minutes, she realized that she was at the other end of the city. She had to take a bus to get back to the city.
Her plan was simple and right. She couldn't even say goodbye, because she didn't want to give Jonas any reason to be violent to people who were important for her. She ran and the tears were collecting under her lids. Her eye lids became heavier with every move she made. The wind in her face kept her from weeping. She had no time to cry. She had no time for being weak. She had to escape before it was too late.
It took her an hour to get to her apartment and it wasn't difficult to find the money. She took it and put it into her bag and was already on the go again. She was ready to leave it all behind.
She jumped from the stairways in the hall and then she stayed frozen.
On the other side of the street there was Julian. He was standing there looked at her with a bewildered look on his face. He was confused by her behaviour. And Mia was confused, too. It wasn't part of her plan. This should not have happened. She stopped only for a second. Then she turned around and started to walk away quickly. Then Julian blocked her way. She wanted to run around him, but he stepped aside and blocked her way again.
-Just behave, as if you don’t know me! It’s important! – Mia whispered in a serious voice.
Julian looked at her confused and smiled. She didn't smile back. She went on without looking back. Julian didn't understand what was going on and followed her.
When he was walking next to her, she repeated with pressure:
-Just behave, as you if don’t know me! Please, it’s important!
He stopped and stared at her while she was walking on. He couldn't let her go like this. He wanted to know what caused this change in her. Julian came to her again and took her into his arms. Mia knew that it wouldn't be easy to leave him, but she had to say something to him that would hurt him. Otherwise, he wouldn't let her go.
She stepped back and said seriously:
-Julian, I can’t be who you are and you can’t be who I am, and it won’t work, because – she stopped for a moment before she finished her sentence – because I don’t love you and I am scared of you.
Then she ran away. Julian stayed behind on the sidewalk and was shocked. He couldn't believe what he just heard. He was crushed down and couldn't move. He was frozen like her heart.
It started to rain and he was still standing in the street where she was living without moving a millimetre.
As she reached the main railway station Central Warsaw, she didn't even go to a cash point, she looked at the departure table and saw that a Berlin-Warsaw-Express was going to leave Warsaw in two minutes. This was perfect. She ran to the platform and was happy to see the train still standing there. When she wanted to get onto the train, she heard somebody calling her name. Frightened, Mia looked around, but she didn't see anyone. She went onto the train looking for and a free seat. Fortunately, there were not many people on the train and she found a completely empty compartment where she sat down. Then the train started to go.
In the very same moment, the first tear ran down her cheek. It was slowly flowing down to her lip. She felt a salty taste in her mouth. Mia took some deep breaths and it helped to stop the tears. At least she wasn't crying a river. Nevertheless, internally she was falling apart like a glass thrown down from the highest skyscraper. No, she rather felt as if she herself would have jumped from the highest skyscraper and had already reached the ground. She was crushed and all her thoughts and dreams were broken. She was ice-cold and at the same time, she felt feverish. Some sweat drops were appearing on her forehead and she wasn't able to remain calm. Her hands were trembling, and her body was shaking. What have I done? What have I done? What have I done to deserve it?
Her throat was dry, her eyes caused pain, and everything looked like a moon landscape without any light. She was freezing, she was trembling and she was shaking. She was angry, annoyed and disappointed. A black hole was sucking all her vital energy and there was no hope left for her. In fact, she wasn't only leaving Warsaw, she was leaving her dreams, her happiness and she lost her soul. She left herself. There was nothing else to say. She watched the landscape through the window, but actually, she didn't see buildings, trees, and Warsaw at all. She saw her grandmother in a chair with a knife stuck in her chest. She saw Julian in a chair with a knife in his chest. Jonas killed her grandmother, and she killed Julian. Somehow, he was living. He had centuries of life in front of him and he would someday find another soul to live with.
Mia killed Julian, she killed him, she killed him... These three words echoed in her head corresponding to the rhythm of the running train. She killed him, she killed him, and she killed him.
It wasn't killing him softly, but it was like killing him with a sword. It was deep and would hurt eternally. The argument that she loved him too much to push him into Jonas' arms, couldn't surface and talk down the fact that she had killed him. She killed herself, too. Therefore, it wasn't important what was going to happen to her. The most important thing now was that people, who were important for her, were hopefully safe. At least she was thinking this way. She broke Julian’s heart, but she saved him. Should she not be in better mood right now? She was divided. She was a
broken string and an ocean of tears inside of her increased the pressure. She killed him, she killed him, she killed him. His heart was broken, and there was nothing else to break.
Mia hadn't enough power to fight with herself. She was sure that she would start to cry a river, but instead of a river of tears, only two tear drops fell from her eyes. But they were burning like hell. Mia’s eyes were burning like hell. She was burning like a witch of Salem on a stake. She wanted to die.
She killed him, she killed him, she killed him.
She felt so small and so lost and she didn't have a good plan. She had maybe 100 Euro in her pocket and nowhere to go to. Nowhere warm, nowhere safe, nowhere free.
The shape of her heart became shadowy. The darkness overwhelmed her and didn't let go. She was as lost s she could be. She killed him, she killed him, she killed him. It was raining outside. The trees were swinging in the rhythm of the wind and their green colour won over the dark blue sky. The raindrops splashed at the window and changed to scratches on the window pane when they were pulled apart by the wind. The faster the train was going the more rain drops were spread out. These long, unhappy lines were looking just like her heart. She felt her heart was getting such scratches as well. She felt her heart was bloodily torn apart. It was beating slower and slower and the scars were deepening and deepening. Her sparkle of life was going down as if she would drown under the surface of a sea.
The world was a very scary and dark place right now. She killed Julian, she killed him, she killed him. She left him. She lost him. She was so screwed up. She saw pictures in her mind when she was happily going through woods with Julian, and then the knife in her grandmother’s chest, and then the bloody hand of her Aunt Renata while police officers were carrying her out of the apartment in Wroclaw. Mia saw it as if she was watching the family album and the more she wanted to break free and throw away these pictures the clearer they became.
Here, she was sitting on the cliff and Julian was explaining the colours he could see in her. He described her white colour. In another picture, she saw Julian stroking her arm when she was laying in a bed trying to sleep. He was cosy, delicate and mumbling something. His touch was like a blow of a summer breeze.
Then, she saw her grandmother sitting in a chair with eyes blindfolded with a dark cloth. Her grandmother was calm, but she trembled. She was apparently frightened. Then she saw her mother coming towards her with open arms and a bright light, which dazzled Mia so much that she wasn't able to see anything else. After that, she saw the sapphire-like light of Julian and the satisfaction in his eyes when he transferred his energy. He was so concentrated, but still he had this little smile in the corner of his mouth. His eyes were burning vividly.
Mia shook her head. She wanted to forget everything; she wanted to run away from herself. It was too much for her small, human heart to suffer like this. She noticed that they passed the border, because there were now German names on the station signs. In an hour, she should be in Berlin. What then? What was she suppose to do now? Should she travel further? Should she stay in Berlin for a while? For what? She had no clue and she didn't have any energy to make plans. It was so unimportant what she was going to do. If she had more courage, she would even kill herself.
The rain got heavier. The raindrops were angrily knocking at the window and the wind got stronger. On the horizon clouds gathered and hid the light of the sky. Everything was dark. The lights in the train went on automatically. Mia switched them off and observed the spectacle outside. Lightening showed in the sky and slapped madly into trees. The raindrops were escaping from the furious flashes and wanted to find a safe place inside the train. They beat at the window and there was so much water on the window pane now that the picture became unclear. The thunder rolled terrifyingly and came closer.
Mia wasn't scared. She had seen worse things. She wanted to go out between trees, hoping for lightening to struck her hand. She sensibly imagined how beautiful it would be when she could jump out of this train and be caught by a flash of lightening. It would be the best way to finish this thin red line in her life.
The trained drove into Berlin and Mia stood up slowly. Her steps were so time-consuming and heavy that you could think she was the heaviest person in the world. She carried the ballast of her thoughts and fears with her and it pushed her down visibly. People who were standing in front of her were already outside and being welcomed by their families and friends or just hurrying somewhere alone.
She left the train and stayed at the platform like a statue. Mia put the headphones into her ears, because she didn't want to hear anything of the huge railway station. Ingrid Michaelson sung “Keep Breathing” as loud as it was possible. Maybe that’s why Mia was still breathing. Maybe this was the reason why Mia was still alive. Mia didn't even notice that this song was played over and over again. She was standing there alone with her bag and kept breathing.
She could stay here forever. People were passing her by. There was a mass of people. White, black, tall, thin, fat... She didn't see their faces. Everything was so meaningless. They were passing her by from different directions and they were alone, they were with friends, they were with families, they were colourfully schoolish or business-like grey or black. They were carrying big packages or just a suitcase. Although she was standing in their way, they didn't touch her. They passed her by without pushing her.
Mia closed her eyes and tried to stay upright. Behind her, trains were arriving and going. There were red trains, white trains, old and new trains. Every now and then, she heard a speaker announcing something she didn't care about. She tried to keep breathing. It was hard enough to keep breathing. She felt like she was wearing invisible chains and she couldn't move. However, she didn't fight against it. She let these chains limit her and she didn't care about it. It was meaningless. It was unimportant.
Once she wanted to change her fate, but it didn't work. She realized that she would always be on the run and she would never slow down. She knew she would never be happy and all happiness she ever collected up to now was too much and too less of what she could collect. However, she was sure she could never ever be able to feel any kind of joy again. It was too dangerous for everyone. She should live on her own and avoid people. Maybe she should go to Africa and live like the natives? However, without contacting them? Wild animals were no problem. It would be better to be killed by a lion than by Jonas.
She kept breathing. People were still rushing here and there. Nevertheless, there were fewer people now on the platform. Slowly the mass disappeared and the railway station started to prepare itself for the night. The lights went on and the night was visible from here. Mia was standing at the highest level of the Berlin Main Railway Station, called Berlin Hauptbahnhof. It was a modern, very young glass-building with four levels, ending up in the underground. She was standing under the glass dome. On the horizon, you could see the residence of the German chancellor and the many lights of the big city.
However, Mia didn't care. Mia didn't look around. She was still standing at the same place. Police officers had passed her twice already looked at her, but they didn't approach her. She didn't feel anything anymore. She was just trying to keep breathing.
Lovefool (Introduction) Page 86
