"We'll have a conference tomorrow, after we've all had a little time to think about it. My conference, Ashley, my terms. Or I go public. And Mother, at age sixty, will have to explain to her garden club friends how it happens that suddenly she's a new mother to a seven-year-old feisty boy."
He laughed. “I want the farm house and three or four acres around it. They'll probably get Grampa declared incompetent and sell the rest of the farm. Dad will have to arrange for the right papers for Joey, school, medical records, birth certificate, whatever is needed. He has connections, he can manage that. And I'll become Joey's father. No publicity. They'll come around to accepting a grandson. That's not going to be a problem as long as they can avoid the publicity."
Joey was on the high dive again. They watched him jump off.
"You want to live on the farm?” she asked then.
"Not exactly. I intend to set up a research facility. I'll get in touch with my old physics instructor and, believe me, he'll jump at the chance to join me.” His grin was very much like Joey's then, with the same kind of shining eyes. “Will you help?"
"How?"
"Be a second parent, or aunt or something. But aside from that, we're going to need a good computer person, a research assistant, something of that sort. Someone who really knows the truth. You."
She remembered how Joey had slipped his hand into hers as they approached the stunned and disbelieving family. She suspected that Nathan was going to be very busy for years to come, and Joey would need a hand again and again. Not the hand of a paid caretaker, her hand. Besides, she really was a good computer geek. She nodded. “I'll help. Joey's going to need an aunt. And a lot of tutoring to catch up with seventeen lost years before school starts again. What about the research?"
"I'll put a heavy duty gate on the cave entrance, and we'll come up with the right tools, the right methods to investigate, really investigate, a hole in the universe, the doorway to a different universe, a place where a second or less is equal to seventeen of our years.” He laughed again, and nodded toward Joey, who was poised to jump off the high dive again. He looked too small to be up there alone. “The living proof of multiple universes,” Nathan said.
Ashley's gaze drifted from Joey to the improbable blue water in the pool, the green trees nearby, borders of vivid flowers.... She felt as if reality had undergone a shift of a magnitude she could not yet grasp. A sharp memory rose in her mind of her grandfather releasing a little fish and putting it back in a lake. “Too small,” he had said. “Not a keeper."
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Department: F&SF COMPETITION #78: ‘THE SECRET HISTORY OF F&SF'
For the 60th anniversary competition, writers had to reveal the secret origin of The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction. The stakes were sky-high, and because of this we had a record number of submissions ... many of them involving Roswell, government conspiracies, or the phrase, “There was a knock on the door."
Congratulations to Daniel Geilman, who wins 60 years of bragging rights to go with his 60-year subscription.
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FIRST PRIZE:
"The tea on the right enhances your appeal to women. The tea on the left will help you create a tome of the science fiction and fantasy,” the old gypsy cackled before disappearing into the night.
Francis turned to Anthony. “Was that her right or our right?"
—Daniel Geilman
Lenexa, KS
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SECOND PRIZE:
"We've finally created a pocket universe,” McComas said to Boucher. “Now what are we going to do with this infinite number of monkeys and typewriters?"
—Jacob P. Silvia
Houston, TX
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HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"People,” Lucifer bellowed, “I've recently been made aware that the Earth-side antics have gotten somewhat excessive, and while I applaud your innovation, I'm taking heat from the Wet Blanket On High. So tonight, instead of creative smiting, we're going to stay in and try some creative writing."
—Andrea Yost
Westerville, OH
—
1949: A crack team of futurists and clairvoyants achieves the first successful cybersquat, blocking Florida Sports and Fishing magazine from its preferred URL for the next 59 years.
—Ziv Wities
Tarom, Israel
—
Young Harry's 1949 birth creates a rift into an alternate universe. Since then, digest-sized booklets called “F&SF” fall through it, periodically. Unaware that he is a wizard, at age ten, he receives a letter from Hogwarts, and a box holding his “familiar.” It is not an owl, but a Turtledove.
—Patrick J. O'Connor
Chicago IL
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COMPETITION #79: HOOKED ON MNEMONICS
How do you remember the order of the planets in the Solar System? “My Very Earnest Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets"—as those who opposed the demotion of Pluto from planet status by Neil Degrasse might plaintively protest.
The Solar System now consists of planets and dwarf planets along with all the usual asteroids, comets and other orbital miscellanea like plutoids. If we're going to remember which is what (and in what order) we clearly need a new mnemomic.
Your task is to revitalize the mnemonic based on the currently recognized list of the planets and dwarf planets:
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Mercury V enus E arth M ars C eres J upiter S aturn U ranus N eptune P luto H aumea M akemake E ris
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You can create up to six different mnemonics. You can make them complete sentences or not, as long as you make them funny. If they're science-fictional or fantastical, all the better.
Please remember to include your address and telephone number with your submission.
(For more information on dwarf planets, see solarsystem.nasa.gov.)
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RULES: Send entries to Competition Editor, F&SF, 240 West 73rd St. #1201, New York, NY 10023-2794, or e-mail entries to [email protected]. Be sure to include your contact information. Entries must be received by November 16, 2009. Judges are the editors of F&SF, and their decision is final. All entries become the property of F&SF.
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Prizes: First prize will receive a six-volume set of The Collected Stories of Roger Zelazny, compliments of NESFA Press. Second prize will receive advance reading copies of three forthcoming novels. Honorable Mentions will receive one-year subscriptions to F&SF. Results of Competition 79 will appear in the April/May 2010 issue.
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Department: FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION MARKET PLACE
BOOKS-MAGAZINES
S-F FANTASY MAGAZINES, pulps, books, fanzines. 96 page catalog. $5.00. Robert Madle, 4406 Bestor Dr., Rockville, MD 20853
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20-time Hugo nominee. The New York Review of Science Fiction. www.nyrsf.com Reviews and essays. $4.00 or $40 for 12 issues, checks only. Dragon Press, PO Box 78, Pleasantville, NY 10570.
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Spiffy, jammy, deluxy, bouncy—subscribe to Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet. $20/4 issues. Small Beer Press, 176 Prospect Ave., Northampton, MA 01060.
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Latest from RAMBLE HOUSE: The Triune Man by Richard A. Lupoff and Automaton, a 1928 essay on robotics. www.ramblehouse.com 318-455-6847
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The Ring of Knowledge delivers! Visit: www.eloquentbooks.com/TheRingOfKnowledge.html
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SPANKING STORIES: For a 38 page catalog, send $3 to CF Publications, POB 706F, Setauket, NY 11733
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For a taste of Harvey Jacobs’ new novel, Side Effects, check out www.celadonpress.com.
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The Visitors. $14.95 Check/MO
OhlmBooks Publications
Box 125
Walsenburg CO 81089
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Nyssa goes to the dogs. Read all about life in the kennel, circa 2075. “Run
dog” by J.O.Quantaman. www.bbotw.com/product.aspx@ISBN=0—7414-4306-11
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For sale
F&SF Magazines
1985 to present
24+ years
Very few missing
Make best offer to: [email protected]
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Do you have Fourth Planet from the Sun yet? Signed hardcover copies are still available. Only $17.95 ppd from F&SF, PO Box 3447, Hoboken, NJ 07030.
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SLAUGHTERHOUSE 5, CATTLE 0. The first 58 F&SF contests are collected in Oi, Robot, edited by Edward L. Ferman and illustrated with cartoons. $11.95 postpaid from F&SF, PO Box 3447, Hoboken, NJ 07030.
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MISCELLANEOUS
If stress can change the brain, all experience can change the brain. www.undoingstress.com
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Support the Octavia E. Butler Memorial Scholarship Fund. Visit www.carlbrandon.org for more information on how to contribute.
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The Jamie Bishop Scholarship in Graphic Arts was established to honor the memory of this artist. Help support it. Send donations to: Advancement Services, LaGrange College, 601 Broad Street, LaGrange, GA 30240
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The Bonaparte Deli—Mississippi's finest food. What's a bagel?
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Space Studies Masters degree. Accredited University program. Campus and distance classes. For details visit www.space.edu.
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Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley Award for Imaginative Fiction. Sponsored by Rosebud Magazine. $1000 for first prize and $100 award for 4 runners-up. Guidelines at www.rsbd.net
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Dragon, Fairy & Medieval decor and collectibles. Huge selection of statues, swords, wall plaques and more. www.paperstreetgiftco.com
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FREE RPG INFO! JIM BALL, PO BOX 297702, COLUMBUS, OH 43229
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Need a Publisher?
Go from Manuscript to Market Quickly and Affordably. www.AuthorHouse.com
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F&SF classifieds work because the cost is low: only $2.00 per word (minimum of 10 words). 10% discount for 6 consecutive insertions, 15% for 12. You'll reach 100,000 high-income, highly educated readers each of whom spends hundreds of dollars a year on books, magazines, games, collectibles, audio and video tapes. Send copy and remittance to: F&SF Market Place, PO Box 3447, Hoboken, NJ 07030.
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Department: CURIOSITIES: THE TROGLODYTES, by Nal Rafcam (1961)
Was his real name Macfarlane? His sole sf venture introduces midget aliens lurking under Antarctica, who cause global mayhem before they accidentally self-destruct. Routine hackwork, mainly—but as the story grinds on, its increasing density of malapropisms betrays an obsessive stalker of the wild Thesaurus.
Puissance, dichotomy, etiolation, percussory, avulsion, fatidical, detrusion, nigritude, pendulate, terrigenous, abditory, insolation, fulgurating ... words sometimes used almost correctly. People “transcend” down into holes, are rendered “effete” by explosive shock, and get stupefied by will-power “more omnipotent than their own.” Dense rock is “hard as carbon.” The sensitively named character Kurt Semen is jailed for “inciting unnecessary pathos.” Another perishes: “Death had supined."
Here's the first, devastating troglodyte attack: “Everything was cinerated. Every living person was killed the moment the deadly emissions from the tribe's machinery pierced through the camp's superficial structure. So instantaneous and final were these lethal rays that the destructive act was over in but a few minutes."
Their skyscraper-toppling weapon is more humane. “The atomic structural reaction of this shower of concentrated rays was harmful only to materials. Hence, persons working in and about the buildings were unaffected."
Further golden phrases: “Many answers he gave were tautologous as he and his colleagues had had to guess at them.” Those alien “minnows” must “wear camouflage against the strong daylight.” Even with the menace over, “The period of strife and universal privation was malingering."
The Troglodytes is regrettably popular at British convention turkey-readings. It seems unlikely that the original Digit Books paperback—"Dwarf-like Killers from a By-gone Era!"—will ever be reprinted.
—David Langford
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Department: COMING ATTRACTIONS
Those critics who say that F&SF has gone to hell since its heyday will have another chance to make their case as we publish our second tale of 2009 that descends into Hell. Unlike the first (Bruce Sterling's “Esoteric City"), this one does not concern a sinner. Rather, it's about a guy who stumbles into trouble through an innocent chain of errors ... and sets off an extraordinary chain of events. Look for Matthew Hughes's “Hell of a Fix” in our next issue.
Speaking of sinners, who among us can say that they won't have any regrets when they're in a hospital bed, facing mortality? Certainly not the narrator of Richard Bowes's “I Needs Must Part, the Policeman Said"; he has a lot of personal demons to confront, and they're not all figurative....
Also in the works are new stories by John Langan, Paul Park, Steven Popkes, and several newcomers. Subscribe now so you won't miss an issue.
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Notice to Subscribers
Our subscribers have received deceptive subscription mailings from firms named Magazine Payment Services (Sausalito, CA), Publishers Billing Exchange (La Habra, CA), Readers Payment Service (Reno, NV), Publishers Billing Agency (Capitola, CA), and Publishers Billing Agency (San Francisco, CA).
These mailings are subscription solicitations, but they look deceptively like renewal notices. They are not authorized by us, the rates quoted were not our usual rates, and it appears that they have mailed these solicitations to an older subscription list of ours, regardless of whether the subscriptions are due for renewal.
These firms are not connected with our magazine and their subscription offers are not authorized by us. If you are renewing your subscription, the best way to do it is by sending the renewal to our post office box in Hoboken, NJ. You can also renew your subscription safely through www.fsfmag.com.
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Visit www.fsfmag.com for information on additional titles by this and other authors.
FSF, October-November 2009 Page 37
