“Oh, Never?” she says, like she saw me yesterday. “You're here for dinner?”
Beth's face falls and Jade scrunches up her nose. The little girls, except for Maple, stop talking. She's still babbling nonsensically at a pair of dolls she's got on the floor near the refrigerator. Ty looks over at me and I can feel him asking if I need anything with his eyes. He can sense that I've just been pushed even closer to the proverbial edge. I've stumbled so far that I'm teetering now. Nobody but Angelica Regali has this power over me. Nobody except Ty McCabe. But then, he's sitting quietly by my side watching my life unfold like some sort of origami nightmare while my mother pretends that this is not the first time she's seen me in five fucking years.
“Really?” I whisper, my voice hardly audible over Maple's baby talk. “That's all you have to say to me?” I sound angry, furious. I can't hold my emotions back, not anymore. Holding back has gotten me where I am today. It's a miracle that I'm not halfway to the grave, riddled with disease, and broken in two. Because of Ty. I start to shake again when Angelica rolls her eyes to the ceiling and puts her hand on her hip. She sighs deeply, like she just can't be friggin' bothered.
“Never, you disappeared for five years without even the courtesy of a phone call. It's been a long while since I cried over you, honey. What do you want me to say? What was I supposed to do? Chase after you?”
“Well, for starters,” I say as I drop Ty's hand and rise to my feet. My chair squeaks across the linoleum floor. Maple starts to cry. “You could say 'Welcome home,' or 'It's nice to see you'. How about something like that?”
“Oh for Goddess' sake, Never Fontaine Regali. I'm glad to see you, but I'm not going to throw myself at your feet.”
“It's Never Ross,” I whisper. “Never Nicholas Ross.” My mother freezes and for once in her selfish, miserable life doesn't know what to say. Regali is her last name; Fontaine was her choice for a middle name. Nicholas Ross was my father's name and now legally, it's mine, too.
“I see.” This is all she says. Rage bubbles hot and fierce inside of me until I'm seeing red and purple and black swirls in front of my eyes, spinning away to nothing. Ty stands up and puts a hand on my shoulder, but it's too late, I've already snapped. I swing my arm at the basket of rolls India put on the table. They fly off the linoleum top and smash into the counter. The red and white checkered napkin flutters to the floor and lands on top of the bread.
Nobody speaks, but Maple continues to cry. Beth moves over to her and picks her up, tucks her tiny head beneath her chin and coos soothing words at her. I hope Beth is a better mother than Angelica because otherwise, I don't envy Maple the life she's going to have.
“Never,” India begins, but I hold up a hand.
“Maybe this was a mistake,” I whisper, wondering why the hell I came back here. To tie up loose ends? Really? I thought it would be that easy, that I could walk in here and be part of the family again? To be honest, it looks like they've done just fine without me, learned to function without Never, adapted to life without her. Do they really need me back? Do they really want me back? I move towards the door and Ty follows.
“Please don't go,” Beth calls after me, tears thick in her voice. She, at least, seems like she wants to make up with me. I pause with the screen door against my hand and look over at her. She's begging me with her eyes to stay. They're all bloodshot and red and puffy making her seem less like a Barbie doll and more like a person. That's the Beth I knew and loved. I smile, but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
“I'll be back,” I say as I move outside with Ty at my heels. India follows not too far behind and stands next to Ty while I stare up at the moon and try to get my head to stop spinning.
“Never,” McCabe whispers and I have to close my eyes against his words because his voice is so perfect that I can't stand it. I want to turn around and throw my arms around his neck, cry into his chest, and let him hold me, but I can't do that. Not yet. I've seen everyone I need to see. Except one. Except for Noah fucking Scott. As soon as I lay eyes on him, speak to him, I'll know what to do, if coming here was right or wrong.
“Do you have a car I can borrow?” I ask India thinking that it's really weird that I can even ask that question. When I left, she was eleven. Now she's sixteen. Holy shit, time really does fly, doesn't it?
“Um, yeah,” she says, voice so soft and perfect but not weak, never weak. I spin to face her and smile, this time without all of that bitterness. Her dad was a wandering musician, a guy who wore tight pants, cussed a lot, and sang ballads that could break your heart. My mother let them, but at least she got India. I kiss my sister's forehead and look over at Ty. He looks fucking perfect in the Midwest moonlight. It's different here, more pure somehow. I don't know why; it just is. I study his face with the glimmering piercings, his dark brown eyes, his colorful tattoos, and hold out my hand for a cigarette. India, maybe sensing that we need a moment alone, says, “I'll go get the keys,” and disappears inside for a moment.
Ty digs around in his back pocket, finds the box of Djarum Blacks and hands one to me.
“I think this counts as a special occasion,” he says softly, and I find that I can't agree more. Whether it's good or bad or beautiful or horrid, it's certainly special. How many family reunions will I have in my life? Hopefully this is the last. Hopefully I can find the strength to embrace them now or walk away forever. That's the plan anyway. Ty lights his cigarette first and leans down, pressing the cherry against mine. I inhale deeply and imagine that I'm inhaling more than the scent of cloves and tobacco, that I'm inhaling bits of Ty McCabe into my lungs, taking him deeper into me than I've ever accepted anyone else. I do this because I know the next thing that I'm going to say will break his heart. I can only hope that he understands.
“Here are the keys,” India says, stepping out on the porch and giving us both looks that say she's gotten the full anti-smoking propaganda that they spew in classrooms nowadays. I think to myself that she's a good girl and better off for it, but I don't put my cigarette down. “It's the old Ford by the barn. Sometimes it takes awhile to turn over, but it's a good truck.” I hold out my hands and tilt my head upwards so that I blow smoke towards the stars and not at India's face. The little monster is back, thanks to Mom, and it wants me to, wants to push her back and ask why she's smiling so big and looking at me like I'm so cool she can't even stand it. I don't want her to look at me that way because it means she looks up to me. Nobody should look up to me, not now, not ever.
“Look after Ty for me while I'm gone,” I say, dropping my chin and smiling at her. I let the cigarette dangle from my lips while I dig around my pockets and find my phone. “Let's trade numbers in case you need me.”
“Where are you going?” Ty asks as he grabs his cigarette between two fingers and crosses his arms over chest. His arm muscles tense, but his hand hangs limply while smoke curls through his nose ring and kisses his hair. I smile at India and wait for her to plug her number into my phone before I speak. Again, she somehow senses that Ty and I need another moment and bows back into the house. She isn't far away though, none of them are. I can hear them arguing about me in the kitchen as Ty raises his dark brows at me. “Well?” he asks, and I have to swallow three times before I can say what I need to say. “What's so fucking important that you can't take me with you?”
I drop my cigarette to the porch, amongst a heap of others and let it fizzle out on its own. When I raise my head, my eyes are closed because I can't look at Ty's face while I say this. I open my mouth three times and stop before I can ever utter the first syllable. Why am I so fucking scared? What is wrong with me? Am I afraid of losing Ty? Do I even have enough of a hold on him to lose him?
“Come on, baby,” he says with a sigh, and I smile slightly because I've never liked hearing a guy say that before. Baby. It's always come across as something condescending, some stupid fucking pet phrase that makes them feel better about fucking me and walking off, like somehow calling me a nice name makes all th
e difference. Not with Ty. That's not at all how it is with him. “If you're going to walk away and leave me alone with a bunch of people you don't even know, you at least owe me an explanation. Where are you going?” My eyes pop open and my lips part; the words fall away like the last leaves in winter.
“To see Noah Scott.”
10
Ty blinks so slowly that for a second I think that something's wrong with me, that I'm not seeing the world in real time anymore.
“Fuck.”
That's all he says, just that. He's understandably upset by my statement, but he doesn't yell or throw something, he just stands there and looks at me like I'm some sort of treasure he's just found and doesn't want to let go of. His look makes me uncomfortable, and I glance away.
“I know it's weird to leave you here, but I … I just need to get away from my mom for a second, and I need to see Noah, and I want to take you with me, but I … ”
“But you're still in love with him?” Ty says, lips tight, cigarette falling away into ash, hitting the toe of his boot.
“I don't know … ”
“Fucking A, Never. If you are just say it.” Ty is angry. I get that. I do, but what can I say? Maybe cramming all of this shit into one night is a mistake, but I know that there's no way I'm sitting still right now, not with all this wild, crazy energy inside of me. I have to see Noah Scott and complete the cycle, so I can process things. It's the only way. I asked for Ty's help with my family, and in a way, I'm asking for it again. I need him to stay here, to let me do this on my own.
“You could wait in the car … ”
“Never, no.” Ty steps forward aggressively, and I meet his gaze with my own. His hand wraps in my hair and he pulls my face roughly to his, kissing me hard, marking me with his teeth, his tongue, his heat. I groan into his mouth, grab onto his lip ring and suck it into my mouth. He's the one that pulls away first, that drags his face from mine on the edge of a moan. I'm vaguely aware that India is watching from the screen door, but I can't help myself. Ty McCabe is the world's most tantalizing treat. “I am not going to go. I'm going to sit here with your weird fucking family who don't know me and think I'm some kind of punk rocker turned heroine addict while you dance the night away with Noah mother fucking Scott. And I'm going to do that because I love you.”
“Ty, stop.”
“No.” Ty grabs my arms firmly but not roughly. He makes me look at him, and I can see in his face that he isn't going to take any of my shit, not right now. “No, if you're going to do this, you're at least going to listen to me. I love you, Never. You might think I'm blowing smoke up your ass or trying to get into your pants or whatever, but listen to me. I have been with a lot of women.” I try to turn away, but Ty grabs my chin and stops me. “I have been with a lot of women,” he repeats, making my blood boil hot and angry. And you've been with a lot of men. Get over it. “But none of them, not a single fucking one, has made me feel the way you do.” Ty puts his ringed hand over his chest. “When I'm with you, Never, I feel like somebody who can do something, who means something, okay? So, listen, I don't know how you're going to find Noah Scott or if he already knows you're coming or hell, if you've been having cybersex with him for five years, and I don't give a shit. What I do know is that I love you, and that I want you to find yourself and come back to me. You do what you need to do, Never, and I'll be here waiting for you when you're done.” Ty releases me and steps back, digs out another cigarette and lights it with shaking hands. I'm standing there speechless and angry with myself because I know that even though Ty just gave me a piece of his dark, bloody, beating heart, that I'm going to get in that car and drive away. I'm going to drive away, but I vow to myself that I'm just going to see Noah and come right back.
After all, how could I not when I have a man like Ty McCabe waiting for me?
11
I go to the Dairy Queen because it's the only place in town that sees any action after nine o'clock. Besides, I've done some cyber stalking on my phone and see that Noah's posted something about the milkshakes being good tonight. Would be better, he writes, if I had some company to share one with.
I pull into the gravel parking lot and try not to stare at the faces there. If I do, I'm bound to find one that I recognize and I don't think I can handle anymore than this right now.
You do what you need to do, Never, and I'll be here waiting for you when you're done.
I squeeze my eyes closed against tears and smoke a quick cigarette before getting out of the car.
Sometimes they leave and they don't come back; sometimes that perfect, little butterfly gets out of the jar and flies away, flickers like a bit of fire across the sky and disappears. If you love it, you'll let it go. That's what they always say, but they Never tell you how to deal with the pain of their leaving.
I remember Noah Scott leaving me with this not so cryptic message, and the days and weeks after that that I cried for him. Once, I even put my stuff in my car and started the drive back. I got halfway home before I panicked and turned back around, fled into the arms of a guy who knew all about motorcycles but nothing about girls with broken hearts. He was nice enough, but he was no Noah Scott.
At the door to the Dairy Queen, I catch sight of him sitting in a booth in the back corner and I get dizzy for a moment, stumble away and throw up in the scrubby bushes next to the dumpster. I'm nervous and I feel sick. I chalk it up to the stupid, fucking bus ride and smoke another cigarette. It's the best I can do considering I don't have any mints or gum with me. Great. Your reunion with Noah Scott will smell like puke and desperation, Never. Isn't that the perfect fairytale reunion you always wanted?
My phone rings and I check quickly to see who it is, thinking that maybe Noah saw me and is calling to say something cute like, “Hey you, I caught you. Coming in?” but the call isn't from Noah, it's from Ty. I've been gone fifteen minutes and he's already calling me. Good sign or bad.
“Hey,” I say, trying to keep my voice perky but not too perky. I don't want Ty to think I'm having a super good time with Noah. If he thinks that, I don't know what he'll do. I know Ty is the type of guy that gets spooked easily because I'm the type of girl that gets spooked easily, and I know that if he was out with an old girlfriend, I'd be stalking him like a crazy person. I have never, never felt this way about a man before, and it's confusing as hell. I think of the tears I shed while we were making love and have to close my eyes to process all of the emotions that I'm feeling. We might be more than two thousand miles away from the scene of the crime, but the emotions have trailed along behind us. The distance we've traveled is tricky; it convinces us that it's been awhile, that Ty and I have been some kind of unit for ages, but that's not true at all. Ty and I are a seed that's just been planted, waiting to bloom, wanting to bloom but not knowing how. It's been four days since we made love. Four. Days. That isn't long at all. Ty doesn't respond, but I hear him breathing. “Hello?” I ask, wondering if there's something wrong.
“Fuck,” he says, and I smile because that's such a Ty thing to say. “Just fuck Never. I lied. I'm not okay with this.”
“Why?” I ask him as I steal a glance over my shoulder. The door to the Dairy Queen opens and a group of girls walk out dressed in tight blue jeans and skimpy tank tops that can't possibly be keeping them warm in the nippy winter air. I ignore them, glad that I don't recognize any faces there. “Because I'm yours?” I ask him when he doesn't respond right away.
“Exactly,” Ty says and then sighs. “Never, I don't know much about this whole girlfriend thing, but I do know that I don't like you hanging out with other guys.” I freeze and the air escapes my lungs in a whoosh. Did he just say girlfriend? Did Ty McCabe just say that word? Why? How? I move the phone away from my ear and take a deep breath before I speak.
“I don't know what to say,” I admit.
“You don't have to say anything,” he tells me with a sigh that matches my own. “And you don't have to do anything different. I'm not the kind of guy that wants
to chain chicks up in his basement or pound my chest like some kind of testosterone fueled alpha male, but I … ” Ty pauses and the silence is poignant and important, a memory that I mark for remembrance. I don't know why, it's just one of those historical moments in life that you don't appreciate until they're over.
“But?” I prompt and Ty laughs softly.
“But I want to drive over there and beat the shit out of Noah Scott.” I laugh, too, and then there are tears in my eyes because all I really want to do is drive back to my mother's house and see Ty. I know in my heart that that isn't right. I have to see Noah Scott and find out. I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm finding, but I know I have to search anyway. When I find what I'm looking for, I'll know. “Just … don't do anything you'll regret, okay?” Ty says and then he hangs up. What he really means is, Don't sleep with him. I can read that message loud and clear. In fact, it might as well be written in blood against the moon's pale surface. And I'm not. I'm not going to sleep with Noah Scott, not when Ty is sitting on an old wooden porch smoking a cigarette and thinking of me and only me.
I stuff my phone back in my pocket, turn around, and head straight for the door of the Dairy Queen. My eyesight becomes focused to a narrow point in front of me, locked onto a blonde head and blue eyes, a face that's tanned from the sun and a smile as sweet as rain.
Noah Scott is reading a book and basking in the smell of grease and French fries and noise. He always liked noise. Noah Scott is a people person. He's sweet and he's kind and he knows things other people don't. Noah could put me on the straight and narrow, clean me up, change me, but then, Ty already has. Dirty boy Ty McCabe has done more for me than Noah Scott ever has. I pause next to the table and slide my nails down the pages of Noah's book so that he's forced to tear himself away from the words and look up at me.
One. Two. Three. Time trickles away from us as the smile I've plastered on my face starts to fade.
Finding Never (Never say Never) Page 5
