I’d overheard Gina tell other people things when she thought I couldn’t hear. Different versions included an artificial insemination done on a dare (yeah, right), my father as a boyfriend who died in a car accident soon after I was conceived, and (my favorite), that my father was part of the Witness Protection Program and had to go into hiding.
I had my own theory, but it wasn’t pretty. I almost hated to think it, but maybe Gina herself didn’t know who my father was. She had a pretty wild past—lots of drinking and pot smoking. I’d heard of women being so drunk they didn’t even remember what they’d done—that’s another reason I don’t drink, besides the fact that beer tastes terrible.
I always felt kind of left out when I saw someone with their father, especially if they get along like Kylie and her dad. I got ripped off in the dad lottery, face it. Kylie didn’t even notice how quiet I got; she was too busy pulling DVDs out of her duffle. She was thinking Underworld would be a good movie to start with and then maybe Darkness Falls. Who knew Kylie had a dark side?
“What do you think,” I said, “of saving these for another time? I think we should go with something funny, considering what Allison’s gone through.”
She twisted a strand of hair, thinking. “You have a point, but I was thinking that there’s nothing like a scary movie to totally make you forget what’s going on in your own life. They’re kind of intense, but they’re not depressing or sad or anything.” She smiled widely to illustrate how not sad horror movies were. Fun, even.
“But look at this,” I said, picking up Darkness Falls. “There’s a fire right on the cover. Is it part of the story?”
Her cheeks reddened. “Oh God yes, I completely forgot about that.” She grabbed the movie out of my hands and shoved it back into the bag. “Maybe that wouldn’t be a good one after all.”
By the time Allison arrived, we had it settled: Underworld, popcorn, Dr Pepper, and vitamin water. We also had Mean Girls, Doritos, Diet Coke, and Mountain Dew, as alternate selections.
Unlike Kylie, Allison was not escorted to my apartment by an adult—nobody walked in to meet us, no kiss on the forehead for her. She knocked on the door so softly that at first I just thought it was the refrigerator doing this thing where it clicks occasionally. By the time I opened the door, she was turning away as if she was giving up on a response. She held a white plastic garbage bag by its built-in drawstring loop and was wearing my jeans and another shirt I’d rejected—this one was cherry red with a snake sketched on the front. It looked cooler than I remembered. “Hi,” she said.
I led her into the living room where Gina was talking to Kylie about nail health and cuticle care. Kylie was holding her fingers out and studying them.
“Hey, Allison,” my mom said. “Welcome.”
We’d agreed ahead of time that Gina would go out for the evening once my friends arrived. “Giving you some space,” is how she put it. So she was going to be gone for most of the evening, but I had a sudden panicked thought that she could still ask Allison about the mental ward or the fire before she left.
Please, I thought, please don’t ask any questions. Don’t stay around and chat. I knew my mom wanted to help Allison, but it would be so awkward.
But I shouldn’t have worried because Allison just said, “Thanks for the clothes.”
And my mom said, “No problem.” Then she gathered up her purse and cell phone and gave me the usual speech I get before she goes out for the night. That evening she and Carla were going to a comedy club to see someone they knew perform for open mic night. She didn’t think she’d be out past midnight (she never thought she would be, but she usually was). Her cell would be on if I needed anything.
After she left, Allison said, “She trusts us to be alone?”
“Well, yeah,” I said. “Why wouldn’t she?”
I hadn’t hosted many sleepovers in my life. Mostly I’d just been to other people’s houses. Earlier in the day, I’d worried that the whole thing would be awkward, or that our tiny apartment wouldn’t measure up. I knew there wasn’t a wrong way to do it—it wasn’t like the sleepover police would arrest me for contributing to the boredom of a minor, or anything like that. But still I wanted Allison and Kylie to have a good time.
I shouldn’t have worried, though, because Kylie was a pro. Even before Allison arrived, she’d suggested moving the coffee table and propping the air mattress against the wall until we needed it. In front of the TV she created a nest out of comforters and pillows. She had a knack for this sleepover thing. I pictured her as a fourth grader starting up a game of Truth or Dare or dragging out the Ouija board.
“Movie first?” Kylie asked. “Or do you just want to hang out for a while?”
Allison shrugged and I didn’t want to make the wrong decision, so Kylie took a stand. She put Underworld in the DVD player, told me to make popcorn, and put Allison on drink duty.
“You’re a little bossy, Miss Johnson,” I said.
She laughed. “I’m a little person, what can I say? If I don’t speak up for myself, people don’t give me any notice.”
We turned out the lights and settled down in front of the glow of the TV, popcorn centrally located. The movie was pretty good—dark with lots of jumpy parts. It would have even held Gina’s interest, I think, but Allison didn’t seem to get into it. She was fidgety and distracted. About a third of the way through the movie I saw her check her cell phone. Halfway through she yawned loudly, like little kids do when they’re acting in a school play.
We were clearly meant to hear it. Kylie, always considerate, paused the movie. “We can do something else if you want,” she said, looking straight at her.
Allison acted all contrite. “If you don’t mind. I don’t want to be a problem, but it’s just that I’ve seen the movie before.” She’d already seen it? Before I could ask why she didn’t tell us that before, she said, “I forgot I saw it. It was called something else when it first came out, wasn’t it?”
Um, no. It was always called Underworld, but whatever.
Kylie quickly rose to the challenge. I was glad she was making it her problem. “I know what we can do,” she said gleefully. “We can do that secrets game. We did it at my cousin’s house, and it was so much fun.”
That secrets game? Allison and I exchanged a glance that said neither of us knew what she was talking about.
“You really feel close to the other people when you’re done, that’s for sure,” she continued. “It forces you to bare your soul.”
“Is this the game where you do a shot when it’s your turn?” Allison asked.
“No, no, no.” Kylie laughed. “It’s this therapy thing my cousin learned in rehab.” She leaned in and lowered her voice. “That side of the family has big addiction problems. Really sad.” She shook her head. “Anyway, what you do is, each person tells a secret, something they’ve never told anyone before. Something they wouldn’t want other people to know. When you share like that, it forges connections—it tells the other people in the group you trust them not to tell.”
“So you tell secrets. And this is a game how?” I asked.
“Okay, it’s not really a game.” Kylie sounded impatient. “But it’s really cool, trust me.”
Allison and I exchanged a skeptical look. I wasn’t sure this was the best idea, especially for Allison, who, let’s face it, wasn’t your typical high school sophomore. She had to be emotionally fragile after everything she’d been through. Some things were better left unsaid. I didn’t want her having a breakdown in my living room. Or anywhere else, for that matter.
“Come on, guys,” Kylie said impatiently. “It can be anything. Even something from a long time ago.”
“You go first,” Allison said to Kylie, resting her elbows on her knees. “What’s your secret?”
Kylie tapped a fingertip to her lips. “A secret, a secret, hmmm. I just had a good one. Wait, I’m not sure I can tell that one.” She looked up in the air as if the answer would be somewhere above her head
. “Did you want to go first, Rae?”
I shook my head. “It was your idea. I’ll go next.” I was a little short on secrets myself, but I could always make something up if I had to. That was one of the few joys of always being the new girl. No one ever knew me well enough to contradict anything I said.
Kylie smiled brightly. “I’ve got it. This is my secret: my brother lets me drive when my parents are out of town.”
“He does?” This was surprising—first that Kylie, who didn’t even have a learner’s permit, was out driving, and secondly that her brother would let her do it. Thirdly, why hadn’t she ever mentioned it? We ate lunch together at school every day.
“Yep, he does. He tapes blocks of wood to the pedals so I can reach them and lets me drive him home from parties when he’s been drinking.”
So he didn’t want to risk getting a DUI, but he’d let her risk getting caught driving without a license? That was so messed up. I almost said as much, but just then Allison interrupted. “Cool,” she said. “Do you get to go to the parties?”
“Yep. Twice we’ve done it, and I’ve hung out with his college friends.”
“But didn’t you feel kind of weird being at a college party?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I did at first, but Andy’s friends totally love me. They say I’m their mascot. They like to pick me up and carry me around.”
“And you like this?” I glanced over at Allison, who looked enthralled to hear this new insight into Kylie’s life.
“Oh yeah, it’s really funny. One time one of the guys put me on top of the refrigerator. For decoration, he said. I sat up there for like an hour. People would open the fridge door to get a beer, and some of them were so drunk they didn’t even notice me. I’d say something and it would scare the hell out of them.”
“What would your parents do if they found out?” Allison asked.
“Oh my God, they’d kill us. I’d probably never be able to get my driver’s license. And God, it would really be bad for Andy. They’d probably kick him out, and he’d have to live on campus, and he can’t really afford that. Basically it would ruin our lives.” She said it pretty cheerfully, considering. “Andy would be furious if he found out I told you. I promised not to tell anyone.”
“Great secret.” Allison nodded approvingly.
Kylie turned to me, cheered at having gone first. “Okay, Rae, your turn. Time to confess your deepest, darkest secret.” A minute ago any secret would do, but now it had to be my deepest, darkest secret? I was so screwed. “See if you can top mine.”
A challenge. I really wasn’t comfortable with this. I’d planned on saying something about my father—the whole I don’t know anything about him story. How Gina’s explanations never gelled, how my grandparents didn’t even know of my existence until Gina showed up on my doorstop when I was a toddler. But it wasn’t really much of a secret. In fact, Kylie had already heard most of it.
“Unless you don’t have anything?” Allison said.
“No, I have something.” And then—I’m not sure why I blurted this out, it wasn’t even in my mind to tell—I told them the thing I wasn’t ever going to tell anyone. The one secret I had that could devastate someone. “This is my secret: I’m leaving my mother.”
“You mean like running away?” Kylie asked.
“No, I mean when I turn eighteen, I’m going to graduate early and go to college near my grandparents’ house in Madison.”
They both looked disappointed.
“That’s it?” Allison said.
Kylie’s forehead furrowed. “Maybe I didn’t explain this right. It’s supposed to be a real secret. Something you don’t want found out.” She placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “Almost everyone is planning on graduating and going to college. That doesn’t really qualify as a secret.”
“No,” I protested. “It’s more than that. My mom has no idea I have this planned. She thinks I’m going to graduate in June and go to some local college and still live with her. And she can’t stand my grandparents. If she knew they’d offered to pay for my college and to live with them, it would kill her. She’s going to feel like I stabbed her in the back. It’s going to be like I went over to their side, like I turned my back on her.”
They still didn’t look convinced. “Maybe,” Allison said, “this isn’t the big deal you think it is. For all you know, your mom will be glad to see you go. Maybe she’s been waiting for you to grow up and move out so she can really start living.”
Kylie nodded in agreement. “My folks say stuff like that all the time.” She cocked her head to one side and lowered her voice. “‘Once the kids are out, we’re going to travel. After Kevin graduates, we’re going to remodel the bathroom. When it’s just the two of us left, we’re replacing the carpeting.’ Like having us around is holding them back.”
“My parents used to say that as soon as I was off to college they were going on a two-week trip to Hawaii.” Allison looked down at the floor as she spoke, her voice raw with emotion. “They were going to go for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.” She clutched her can of Dr Pepper so tightly the metal crinkled.
The room was quiet for a moment, and then Kylie went over to give her a hug. “Oh Allison, I’m so sorry.” She patted Allison’s back softly and mouthed the words say something in my direction.
“I’m really sorry too,” I said, echoing Kylie. What else could I say? When Allison started crying, big tears that dripped onto Kylie’s shoulder, I said, “I’ll get some Kleenex,” and darted off to the bathroom. I wished I could be more like Kylie. She slid into the friend-comforter role like it was nothing. I felt for Allison, I really did, but something held me back from saying all the right things, from giving her a hug. It was a line I was afraid to cross.
When I got back, I handed Allison the Kleenex box, and she pulled one out to dab at her eyes. Kylie patted her back and said, “It’ll be okay,” over and over again. This seemed to go on for a really long time. It occurred to me that this had to be the worst sleepover ever.
“What would make you feel better?” I asked. “We could put on a CD.” I jabbed a thumb at Gina’s old stereo, more of a big boom box kind of thing, really, but it was all we had. “And we could make brownies or Rice Krispie Treats.” Food always cheered me up.
Allison sat up straight, disengaging from Kylie’s arms. “There is something we can do that would make me feel better.” She blew her nose loudly.
“What is it?” Kylie asked.
Allison finished with her nose and then pulled another Kleenex out of the box to wipe her eyes again. By now they were red and puffy. “I just want to get out of here for a while. No offense, Rae.” She nodded in my direction. “But I just feel like if I get some fresh air it will take my mind off things.”
“We could walk down to the 7-Eleven,” Kylie suggested. “I know one of the guys who works there, and he gives me my Slurpees for free.”
Free Slurpees, that was a pretty sweet deal. We looked to Allison for her take on it.
“No.” She shook her head. “Nothing personal, Kylie, but I have a different idea. You guys want to go to a party?”
Chapter 15
Party Crashers
From there things just spiraled out of control. Not my fault, really. I mean, I wasn’t the one who invited Allison in the first place, and then it was just supposed to be a girls’ night with movies and gossiping and junk food, but the next thing I know we’re driving across town, with Kylie’s brother Andy at the wheel.
The party Allison wanted to go to was a bonfire at her own house. Well, Blake’s house, really. Blake didn’t want her there—to keep Allison away, his mother had planned to take her shopping in Chicago and stay the night, something Allison absolutely did not want to do. As it turned out, my invitation saved her from the forced bonding with her aunt. I could tell that it really burned her, no pun intended, that Blake hadn’t included her in this bonfire get-together with his friends.
And what was with K
ylie? In about two minutes’ time she was totally into the idea, helping plan how we could get there (her brother) and saying we could spy on Blake and company. Somewhere in there I tried to be the voice of reason, saying that those kids weren’t worth bothering with—did we really need to be acting like seventh graders by hiding in the bushes spying on them?
I was ignored and then swept along into the insanity. In the car I felt a teeny bit better because I got to ride shotgun. Kylie’s brother was really cute, and I liked his music. He also drove kind of fast. When he cornered it, Kylie and Allison did the leaning to one side that’s always amusing if you’re in the right mood.
“You’ll pick us up too?” Kylie asked Andy, in between songs.
“I said I would, didn’t I?” Andy said. He smiled at me like, Kids, they never listen. “I’ll have my cell on. Just call.”
I grinned back at him, glad to be in on it.
Allison had Andy drop us off a few houses down from Blake’s. So we could sneak up on them, was the way she put it. She and Kylie were laughing now. “Thanks for the ride,” I said to Andy.
He shrugged. “No problem. I’m not doing anything until later anyway.”
We got out of the car, and Allison led the way toward Blake’s house. There were cars lined up and down the street, the kind of cars rich people give their kids so they can be the cool parents. There were Jeeps and Mustangs, a Lexus, and a Mini Cooper, and those were just the ones I recognized.
“This way,” Allison hissed, cutting through several neighbors’ yards. I hoped there wouldn’t be any large dogs or security systems, but Allison knew her stuff and it was a safe route. At one point we walked around a large pool illuminated by dim lights at ground level. On the far end a fake waterfall ran continuously. The air was chilly, but I could tell from the vapors that rose off it that the water was heated. I imagined hot days by the pool, a cold drink in hand. Answering my cell phone and telling my friends, “Come on over. I’m just hanging out by the pool.” In my daydreams I had tons of friends. Off in the distance I could hear Blake’s party in progress, the whoops and hollering that accompanied underage drinking.
Life On Hold Page 7
