It was the kind of story they deliver as a cautionary tale to people getting into the business. Recent graduate who doesn’t know any better lands a low-level job at a prestigious firm. She hooks up with the boss, multiple times. She lets herself fall for him, despite telling herself over and over again that there’s nothing serious going on between them. She gets pregnant and has to give up her career for the baby she will undoubtedly raise by herself.
Ugh, it all felt like such a mess, and I couldn’t believe I’d allowed myself to wander so blindly into this predicament.
When I arrived home, Katya was there, dawdling around before she headed off for her shift for the day. She eyed me with suspicion, and it was clear she could see there was something wrong.
“What’s up?” she demanded, and I looked up at her with my finest, innocent expression.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, look at you.”
She waved her hand in my general direction.
“You look like hell.”
“Well, thanks,” I teased, my voice a little shaky.
She was right. If anyone got up close to me, they could see the bags under my eyes from all those nights spent tossing and turning in my bed and the rumpled state of my clothes. I’d failed to keep on top of my cleaning because it had just seemed like way too much, on top of everything else. But the way I looked was the last thing on my mind.
“You know what I mean.”
She took a step forward, examining me.
“Are you alright?”
“Don’t you have a shift to get to?” I pointed out, hoping she would take the hint, but she had never been good at that.
“I can be a little late,” she said. “Seriously, is there something you want to talk about?”
I’d opened and closed my mouth, trying to form the words, but I just couldn’t do it. What would I say to her? That she was right about Oliver, that I ended up with nothing but a broken heart to show for my troubles, and now maybe a baby too?
“Oh, honey.”
She leaned over and gave me a quick hug.
“If you don’t want to talk about it now, how about when I get back from work? I’ll bring us some beers and we can relax and catch up.”
“No beers,” I replied quickly. “Uh, thanks, but I think I’m going to get an early night tonight, so I won’t be up when you get back.”
“Okay.” She looked me up and down again. “But try and relax, right? Actually, get some rest. You’ve been spending far too much time at work lately.”
“I guess,” I offered weakly in response.
“Though, with good reason, huh?”
She nudged me playfully, and I managed a half smile. It seemed to be good enough for her.
“Okay,” she announced. “I’m out of here, but I’ll see you soon.”
She pecked a quick kiss on my cheek and ducked out the door. I crumpled to the floor as soon as she was gone. It felt as though my legs had been ripped out from beneath me, my entire body just giving in to gravity.
I couldn’t handle this. I couldn’t handle any of it. I hated feeling this way, so helpless and pathetic. I spent my whole life building myself up to be this powerful, in-control woman. Now, here I was, sitting on the floor of my apartment, trying to psyche myself into taking a pregnancy test. I was lying to my roommate about how heartbroken hooking up with my boss had left me because I was still too stubborn to let her know she was right.
I felt tears begin to fill my eyes and dashed them away angrily with the back of my hand. No, I didn’t get to feel sorry for myself like that. I was a grown woman with a life and decisions I had to make, and besides, I didn’t even know for sure if I was pregnant yet.
I knew one thing, though, and that was even if I turned out not to be pregnant, I would still have to deal with the fact Oliver was seeing his other women. I was just one in a rotation, a meaningless distraction that he could smuggle into work, right underneath everyone’s noses.
No wonder he wanted to keep things quiet. If he’d let me talk about it openly, it might have gotten back to one of the fancy women who he actually took out on dates.
I could see why he wouldn’t want to fuck that up. He would probably go on to settle down with a woman like that, and I’d be nothing more than a notch on his belt, one of his secretaries who he’d fucked because he could.
Maybe I’d be the one desperately calling his new assistant, warning her of him while she did her best not to let her incredulity show through the phone. How many had there been before me and Jeannie? Were we both just part of a long line of women who had worked for Oliver who he liked to lord his power over and fuck?
The thought made me physically ill – unless it was just morning sickness. Fuck.
I grabbed the bag that contained all the stuff I’d picked up from the drugstore. I didn’t want to look too obvious, so I picked up some other items too. Overturning the paper bag, some q-tips, tampons, and the big, pinkish box containing the pregnancy test fell out onto my lap.
I brushed everything else aside and picked up the box. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes, forcing myself to my feet and making my way to the bathroom slowly, as though I could somehow put this off if I just prolonged the inevitable.
I stepped into the bathroom, took a deep breath, and did what I had to do. I perched myself on the edge of the tub and stared intently at the small strip of plastic in my hands, the one that would determine what my future was going to look like.
I had never even thought about having a baby before this. I was pretty sure I wanted kids, but I didn’t know if I wanted them now, and I knew for certain I didn’t want to be raising them without knowing their father was at least going to be a part of their life, even if he wasn’t with me.
With Oliver so invested in the business and all the women he had in his orbit, why would he bother doing more than the bare minimum when it came to this child? But maybe…
As I waited for the pregnancy test to declare my fate, one way or the other, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit. What if it was different? What if we were actually… together? Would he want this baby?
He was so much older than me. Surely, if he’d wanted to settle down, he would have done it by now. Nothing I could do was going to change that, but maybe he’d just been waiting for the right time and the right person. Maybe he would want the baby. It was possible, wasn’t it?
I flipped the pregnancy test back and forth in my hand. The sound it made as it slapped against my hand distracted me a little. I tilted my head back and stared at the ceiling, the bright light burning my eyes and blurring my vision. I didn’t want to see the results. Did I want it to be negative or would I be disappointed that I wasn’t having Oliver’s baby.
We’d been so careful. We’d never once not used a condom, and I couldn’t remember ever feeling it break. If I had, I would have picked up the morning after pill. He’d always been insistent on using protection. If this had happened, it was just a fluke.
It would be different if I didn't cared for him so much. I could have dealt with it myself. But I did care for him, desperately and deeply. There was no getting away from that. I had fallen for him. It was impossible not to.
I reminded myself that he didn’t feel the same way. If he did, he wouldn’t be going out with those women, all those appointments laid out his schedule. It was a miracle he had time for it all.
How long before he grew tired of me? Weeks, months? And what then? Would I be fired? Would he keep me on and force me to go back to being his assistant?
The thought of that was brutal after what we’d shared. I’d have to just put aside all the memories of the time we’d spent together, and pretend none of it had mattered to me.
I looked down at the pregnancy test in my hand and inhaled deeply through my nose as I waited for my eyes to focus. And when they did, my heart skipped and dropped at the same time.
I was pregnant.
Chapter 24
Oliver
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“Dinner?” she said looking up at me with exhaustion in her face.
“Yeah, dinner,” I replied with a grin. “Why not?”
“I’m pretty tired,” she sighed, turning away. “I think I could do with a night to myself.”
“Please, I’ve barely seen you the last couple of weeks,” I protested. “It’ll be fun, I promise.”
She looked up at me, brow furrowed.
“Why?” she demanded.
I cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Do I have to have a reason?”
“I thought we were keeping this quiet,” she reminded me, waving her hand between the two of us. “Just between us.”
“Well, there hasn’t been a whole lot between us the last month,” I pointed out, trying my best not to sound like an asshole but fearing I’d failed. “I want a chance to remedy that.”
“Sure you’re not busy?” she shot back, and there was an edge to her voice that told me there was something to the question that I was missing out on.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I nodded. “I’ll book us a table somewhere quiet. I’ll have you back to your place by ten. I promise.”
She paused for a moment, eyeing me slowly. Then she shrugged.
“Yeah, sure, why not,” she finally responded. “Shall we go straight from work?”
“Um, maybe not.” I shook my head “Not sure if I want the whole office seeing us together.”
“Of course,” she muttered under her breath. “Whatever. Just send me the address.”
“Perfect,” I said happily, and she finally managed a smile back in my direction. “I can’t wait.”
I went to place a hand on her waist and steal a quick kiss before we went back to work, but she turned and headed through the door before I had a chance.
I frowned. I had no idea what was going on with her, but it was beginning to get under my skin. It had started a couple of weeks before like someone had flicked a switch that turned off the passion we had been feeling up to that point.
I wanted to catch her, to tell her she didn’t have to be like this, and that we could actually be open and public about what was happening between the two of us, but I didn’t want to dump all that on her before she was ready. Besides, it was a big deal, and I was a man for spectacle. This dinner would be the perfect time to let her know my intentions and tell her I was ready to announce our relationship to the entire world.
The thought made my heart flip with excitement. Even though she’d been distant, I knew my feelings for her were more potent than ever, and I couldn’t wait to see what would happen when we came out publicly.
Neil knew, of course, and while it had taken him a little while beyond that initial meeting to come to terms with things, he supported Mona and me. I had asked him not to drop hints to her about it, so I could break the news myself, and he had kept his mouth shut. That didn’t absolve me from the odd, teasing comment from him every once in a while, but I didn’t mind. I liked being reminded of Mona, of what we shared, even if things had cooled a little recently.
Maybe she was just getting frustrated with our arrangement to keep things under wraps. If she felt the same way I did, she was anxious to get on with a real and lasting relationship. I found myself thinking about taking that road trip she had always wanted to take for her honeymoon, meeting my family and her’s, going to dinner with Jennifer and Neil, and laughing together over a bottle of wine, my hand on her leg beneath the table.
I busied myself with work during the day and booked a table at a cool Italian bistro across town for later that evening. I’d been there plenty of times before. It was the kind of place I would bring my family when they were in town, a place you brought people you weren’t trying to impress because you didn’t have to.
It was a perfect place to reveal what I had done over the last couple of weeks. I wanted to blurt it out to her, just to get it out there, but I knew that wasn’t going to work. I wanted to show her how much she meant to me, that I wanted everyone to know we were together, once and for all.
She offered me a tight smile as she left her office to go home, and I smiled broadly back. Her new position had been stressful for her, and I knew a night out, just the two of us, would put the pieces back together for us.
I sent a car to pick her up from her apartment. I wanted to make everything about this night perfect.
I sat in the restaurant, waiting for her to arrive, and drummed my fingers on the table, glancing around. The waitresses were shooting me looks that suggested they thought I had been stood up. They were wrong. She would be coming. She wouldn’t stand me up. Would she?
Suddenly, the door opened, and I got to my feet. The place was small. There were only a handful of other diners there, and a few of them looked up to see what the commotion was about. Mona looked gorgeous. She wore a floaty, turquoise dress I had never seen before, and it skimmed over her perfect body in ways that made me want to run my hands all over her.
She smiled nervously when she saw me and tucked a stray wave of hair behind her ear as she made her way over to our table. I pulled out her chair for her, and she sat down, glancing up at me in thanks.
“This place is nice,” she said, glancing around. “Not your usual kind of place, though.”
“Why not?” I asked as a waitress arrived to hand us our menus.
She waved her hand around, searching for the right words.
“I don’t know. Not grand enough for you.”
“I’m not all about big spectacles, you know.”
I cocked my head to the side and smiled.
“There’s something I do need to tell you.”
She held her hand up as she examined her menu.
“Let me get some food in me first.”
She glanced up at me, and I saw that smile that I realized I’d been missing in the last few weeks.
“You’ll need a full stomach,” I teased.
“Sure what you want to tell me won’t turn it?” she shot back. “Everything looks so good. What do you usually have?”
“As much as I can fit,” I replied. “Shall we get a selection of dishes so you can try a bunch?”
“That sounds perfect,” she agreed.
“And a bottle of wine?” I asked, gesturing for the waitress to come over.
Mona shifted uncomfortable in her seat.
“No, no wine for me, thanks,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m not drinking at the moment.
“Whatever you want,” I said. “You mind if I have a glass?”
“Of course not, go ahead.”
I ordered, and a short while later, the food was sitting out in front of us, a spread fit for a king.
She looked down at it, closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply.
“Wow, it smells so good,” she sighed as she began to dig in. “I’m starving.”
I watched her for a moment, the woman I loved, and I was so pleased that I had good news to share with her. It felt as though everything up until this point had been leading to this very moment.
I took a deep breath and she looked up at me, curiously.
“So,” she began, sensing that this was the moment. “What is it you brought me here to tell me?”
“I wanted to make sure everything was perfect.” I grinned at her. “I wanted everything to be in place when I told you.”
“Told me what?”
She cocked her head at me and I took a deep breath, smiling at the news I was about to deliver.
“I don’t know where to start,” I said and shook my head. “I broke everything off with all the women I was seeing, every single one. Not that I was really with any of them in the first place, at least not when we got together, but I closed off those doors, once and for all.”
“Is that what…” she began, a look of understanding dawning on her face. “Is that what those appointments were in your schedule? You were just meeting with them to break things off?”
“Of course,” I replied, furrowing my brow. “What did you
think they were?”
“I thought…I thought you were still seeing them. I thought you were dating them at the same time you were dating me.”
“Oh no! Of course I wasn’t.” I reached across the table to take her hand. “As soon as we got together, I knew you were the only one for me. I was certain.”
“Whew,” she breathed, shaking her head and looking down at the table.
I squeezed her hand, looking for a reaction, and she squeezed back after a moment’s pause. I smiled and went on.
“And I told Neil.”
Her eyes bugged out of her head, and her mouth opened in surprise.
“You told him?” she gasped, as though she couldn’t quite believe it herself.
“Of course I did,” I nodded. “After what happened with Jeannie…”
“She called me, you know,” Mona interrupted, and my stomach flipped. “She called me before we got together, and she told me that no matter what, I shouldn’t fall for you.”
“Seriously?” I widened my eyes. “She should never have been able to get a hold of you. There’s a restraining order.”
“And I knew I should have listened to her, but I couldn’t resist.” she said, half-chuckling to herself.
“It was different with her,” I assured her. “It was never like it was with you. That’s why Neil was so against us being together, because he thought I’d just be repeating what happened last time.”
“And are you?”
She looked at me, eyes nervous.
“No, never,” I replied at once. “Jeannie and I never got this far. I never felt for her the way I do for you, not even close. I regret everything that happened between her and me, and that’s why I held off on going after you for so long.”
“You didn’t want to do it again,” she finished for me. “And what did Neil have to say about it?”
“Neil…” I trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence. “Neil wasn’t happy about it at first, but he’s turned around. No one else at the company knows, but he does, and he’s fine with it, and that’s all that matters.”
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