Generally, a hit sitcom lasts between five and eight years. In most cases (Seinfeld and Friends being the notable exceptions) show tend to peak somewhere in the middle of their runs. After that, it becomes a battle to stay on the air as the cost to run a show goes up each year and if ratings fall, eventually the studio decides to pul the plug.
One of the most desperate tricks in the sitcom world is adding a new younger kid to the cast as a way to recapture that original magic. Invariably this fails as fans of the show see through the transparent ploy and reject the new character. This ploy also fails because network bosses are greedy. Instead of merely hiring a cute kid or a kid who does something cute (like the aforementioned lisp) they get an impossibly cute kid full of ticks and “cute” mannerisms.
Perhaps the worst of these was when Raven Symone joined the cast of The Cosby Show as Cliff Huxtable’s grandaughter Olivia. Symone was needed because Keisha Knight Pulliam, who had previously been the cute kid “Rudy,” she had gotten older and was no longer nearly as cute or as endearing. And, since everyone wanted to see “The ‘Cos” interact with an adorable little kid, Symone was brought in.
And, boy was she cute, with her baby voice and her impossibly endearing mannerisms, but Symone was too much of a good thing as she was so sickly sweet that you could now get diabetes watching the show. Whereas The Cosby Show had been a realistic portrait of an upper-middle class African American family, it now became Bill Cosby and the cute kid. This was, of course, not the only reason for the decline of the show (the plots got more and more ridiculous as the years went on) but it did not help.
In addition to the actual kids being introduced to these shows being a bad idea, often the story used to bring them on board was especially preposterous. The best of these might be the often forgotten role future box office king and heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio played on one-time hit sitcom Growing Pains. With Kirk Cameron rejecting his teen idol status in favor of becoming a religious nut and Tracey Gold becoming an anorexic, DiCaprio was brought on board during the show’s final season as “Luke Brower,” a homeless boy adopted by the Seavers. Not only was this a craven attempt to shoehorn a new cute kid into the show, it was also seen as impossibly lame because while the audience new Mr. and Mrs. Seaver were good parents, it was impossible to believe that anyone would randomly adopt a homeless kid and if they did, would he really look like Leonardo DiCaprio? How many homeless kids have hundred dollar haircuts and perfect teeth?
The most egregious offense of jamming a kid into a failing show happened on The Brady Bunch, which was sort of a mix between a sitcom and a drama. That show had been built around the idea of having six adorable kids of varying ages and, well, as they aged, let’s just say that at least Maureen McCormick (Marsha) still looked good. The youngest kids, however, “Bobby” and “Cindy,” did not fair nearly as well, hence the addition of “cousin Oliver.”
Played by 9-year-old Robbie Rist, cousin Oliver came to live with the Bradys for what would turn out to be their last six episodes. With his John Denver bowl cut and glasses, Rist was supposed to be dorkishly cute, but instead, he was just oddly uncomfortable. The addition of cousin Oliver basically drew a giant arrow to the older kids and pointed out exactly how not cute Susan Olsen (Cindy) had become. Oliver was a spectacular failure and the show was quickly cancelled, though it would be brought back in a number of forms over the years (none of which acknowledged the existence of cousin Oliver, who know lives with Richie Cunningham’s older brother Chuck in a special house for TV characters whose existence has been completely denied).
19
CBS Radio Lets Howard Stern Go to Satellite: How to End Your Company in One Contract
Over twenty-plus years, Howard Stern built a radio empire. Not only was he at the top of the ratings heap in New York, where his show originated, he had the number one morning radio program in major markets around the country. Though he constantly ran afoul of the FCC, he produced hundreds of millions of dollars for his employer CBS Radio.
More than just a successful morning radio program, The Howard Stern Show provided a financial base for the stations it aired on. Not just a cash cow in the morning, Stern’s ratings success propped up the rest of the day for the mostly rock-music formatted stations that carried his show.
During most of Stern’s terrestrial radio run, he had few opportunities to leave that would dramatically change his situation. Sure, he could switch companies or stations, but there were only so many major players in radio, and while his bosses at CBS Radio were often less-than-supportive, it seemed unlikely that any other company would treat him much better.
Because of the controversy and FCC scrutiny that went along with employing Stern, his career options were limited despite his massive success. This, of course, led his employer to treat him shabbily. Though he was certainly well paid, Stern never received anywhere near fair value for the money he brought into the company.
This was partly because his bosses considered him a headache and partially because radio executives view talent as interchangeable no matter how well they do in the ratings. If Stern were to leave CBS, the station bosses could just find another person to put in the chair.
Perhaps it was that thinking that stopped CBS Radio from truly making an effort to keep Stern. Though he was offered a new contract, Stern never received assurances that his employer would back him in any fights with the FCC. Instead of putting themselves squarely in their star employee’s corner, bowling him over financially and generally showing Stern the appreciation he deserved, CBS Radio basically just let him go.
In doing so, they essentially signed their own death warrant.
When Stern left, he made the seemingly curious decision to pick the much smaller Sirius satellite radio company over its much larger rival XM. CBS assumed this was another mistake on Stern’s part—he would essentially be going to a platform with no listeners that cost money. They would still be free, and listeners would certainly accept whoever they put in Stern’s chair instead of paying $12 a month to follow Stern.
When he left, it was estimated that Stern was responsible for 10 percent of CBS Radio’s total revenue. At his flagship station, WXRK, he brought in 75 percent of the $75 million a year the station billed. Those numbers proved to be an understatement as his replacements dragged the company quickly to the bottom.
First, David Lee Roth and Adam Carolla were brought in to host in various parts of the country. As that failed, Opie & Anthony—sort of younger Stern knockoffs—were given the slot. When they failed, the wheels quickly came off the bus, and most of Stern’s former stations were gutted. WXRK even dropped rock and became a Top 40 station while Boston’s long-running rock station WBCN simply went out of business.
As this was happening and nearly every decision maker at CBS Radio was replaced, Stern was busy turning Sirius from a tiny gnat buzzing around traditional radio to a behemoth. The company, which had around six hundred thousand subscribers when Stern joined, swelled quickly into multiple millions then ten million and ultimately, twenty million when they merged with XM.
So in letting Stern go, not only did CBS Radio lose their signature personality, causing nearly every station that carried his show to plummet in the ratings. They also allowed the “king of all media” to take a rival that likely would have run out of money and gone away into a viable competitor. Over five years later, CBS and terrestrial radio in general have not recovered and short of Stern returning, it seems unlikely they ever will.
20
Jay Leno Moves to 10:00 PM: Don’t Worry, Conan, Everyone at NBC Loves Your Show
When NBC made the deal in 2004 that would have Jay Leno hand the reigns of The Tonight Show to Conan O’Brien, one could only assume that network brass never expected to be around in five years to sort out the mess they had created. In announcing that Leno was being pushed out, albeit very slowly, they could not possibly have imagined that five years later, he would still have the number one show at 11:35PM, and that he would not ac
tually want to leave.
At the time, the solution seemed brilliant. The network would keep Leno on The Tonight Show for five more years, and Conan O’Brien would not leave for ABC or Fox. Jeff Zucker, then CEO of NBC, likely assumed that O’Brien’s appeal would continue to grow after he got named heir apparent, and Leno’s would start to fade as he got older. Unfortunately for him, the opposite happened as O’Brien started occasionally losing to Craig Ferguson in the ratings and Leno strengthened his lead over David Letterman.
Zucker, however, had painted himself into a corner, as if NBC did not give O’Brien The Tonight Show at the designated time the network owed him a massive payment in the $35–40 million range. In addition to the huge payday, O’Brien would also be able to take his talents to Fox or ABC—both of which seemed eager to establish a late-night franchise.
If O’Brien got the show as planned, though, Leno—the ratings leader—would be free to go to ABC or Fox. Under this doomsday scenario, not only would NBC lose Leno, he would become a competitor and likely take his audience with him. Furthermore, Leno had spent the five years since what he considered his firing, getting more and more angry at the situation. He wanted to continue hosting The Tonight Show and though he had loyalty, if not to NBC at least to his work routine, the comedian did not understand why he was being pushed aside while he still led the ratings race.
As the five years ended, Zucker offered Leno a number of scenarios to keep him at the network. These included ideas like hosting specials or having a weekly show. The idea of Leno hosting a daily show on one of NBC’s cable networks was floated as well, but none of them appealed to Leno. With time running out and the concept of Jay moving to another network imminent, Zucker offered him a show five nights a week at 10:00PM
In theory, since Leno at 10:00PM would be cheaper to produce than the hour-long dramas like Law & Order or ER that traditionally filled that time slot, it would not have to do as well in the ratings. Plus, Leno and Zucker said, since the competition only produced new shows twenty-two weeks a year or so, Leno’s lack of vacations would result in him doing well while other shows were in repeats. If Leno’s late-night audience followed him, they suggested, they would have a successful show, albeit not a traditional hit.
This all makes sense if you only consider the 10:00PM time period. If you project out what lower ratings will mean to the local affiliates who make a lot of money on their 11:00PM newscasts, then, well, you have a disaster. While moving Leno to 10:00PM kept him from going elsewhere, it immediately changed NBC from the network that brought some of the best dramas in history to the guys who gave up on the ten o’clock hour. It also put affiliates on edge, making it not unsurprising when they quickly revolted once the ratings started coming in.
WORST IDEAS EVER
Leno’s sleepy brand of inoffensive humor seemed especially bland at 10:00 PM, and his audience did not follow him. This led to poor lead-ins for both the local affiliates and O’Brien’s Tonight Show. Conan officially had The Tonight Show, but he was still hosting the second show of the night on NBC crippled by poor ratings and spotty network support.
After a few months, changes clearly had to be made, and Zucker, ever the peacemaker, attempted to move Leno to a half hour show at eleven thirty with Conan’s Tonight Show pushed back to midnight. O’Brien considered this for about thirty seconds before realizing he was being asked to move into another impossible position, so he resigned taking $35 million from NBC and becoming a folk hero to his audience.
A damaged act due to the ratings failure of his Tonight Show stint (albeit much of the blame can be laid on his poor leadin), essentially getting, fired reinvigorated O’Brien. Not only did ratings explode for his last few weeks on The Tonight Show, but the host became a symbol to his core audience. They rallied behind him with “I’m with Coco” pins and supported his sold-out live tour. They also supported his new show—surprisingly on TBS, not ABC or Fox—where he drew sizable ratings, fracturing the late-night audience, and hastening Leno’s decline.
Now back on The Tonight Show, Leno no longer has a stranglehold on the ratings, he loses to Letterman regularly, and Conan trounces him with the younger demographics. Zucker, of course, lost his job, though the fact that he survived as long as he did was pretty impressive in the first place.
Late-Night Disasters
The Magic Hour. There was no particular reason to believe that Magic Johnson would be an engaging talk show host. Though he was a likeable enough personality, Johnson was not a particularly good basketball analyst, so it was met with universal surprise when it was announced that Johnson would be hosting a talk show. That surprise quickly turned into disgust as Johnson proved ill at ease, not really interested in his guests, and generally uncomfortable. The short-lived show had exactly one highlight—an appearance by Howard Stern where he took over the interview and ridiculed the host.
The Chevy Chase Show. At least Chevy Chase had been on TV before Fox named him their latest attempt at breaking into the lucrative world of late-night talk shows. The network had already tried and failed with Joan Rivers, who at least had a history of doing well filling in for Johnny Carson, and had actually offered the show to Dolly Parton before giving it to Chase. That proved a disaster as the show was widely panned by critics and was cancelled after four weeks. That cancellation was hastened by Fox, having promised its affiliates five to six million viewers—more than Carson or David Letterman was doing at the time.
The Keenen Ivory Wayans Show. In its eleven episode run, it was impossible to know if Keenen Ivory Wayans was a good talk show host or not because he encouraged his audience to hoot and holler through the entire program. Wayans did find time to talk—immediately after he asked a guest a question—proving that having the audience drown him out was a good idea.
ALF’s Hit Talk Show. Only Kermit the Frog as a substitute for Larry King has ever made the difficult, puppetto-talk-show-host crossover. ALF proved a likeable host, mocking sidekick Ed McMahon (yes, that Ed McMahon) for how low his career had sunk Sadly, the audience could only bear seeing a puppet interview D-list celebrities while making cateating jokes for so long, and the show was cancelled after seven episodes.
21
Battlefield Earth: Religious Cult Spawns Sci-Fi Bomb
For at least two stretches in his career, John Travolta has been one of the biggest stars on the planet. He had an early run during the Saturday Night Fever days and then a second run at the top of the A-list after Pulp Fiction rescued him from making more talking-baby movies. When a star produces hits so consistently, he generally gets a lot of power, and this gives him the ability to make movies that nobody thinks are good ideas. Occasionally, this works out (Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ) but usually it does not (Mel Gibson’s Apocolypto).
Generally, however, it is taken as a really bad sign when a star of Travolta’s standing can’t get any traditional Hollywood outlet to finance his pet project.
In many cases, studios will make a movie they don’t want to make with a star in the hopes (or the contractual promise) that the star will return the favor. Still, nobody wanted to work with Travolta enough to green-light Battlefield Earth even if he did agree to appear in other movies. Not willing to be defeated by the collected wisdom of everyone else in the movie business, Travolta instead pulled another move that big stars can use to make vanity projects—he raised the money from clueless rich people who wanted some way into the movie business. And though it’s probably little comfort to those investors who ultimately went bankrupt, Travolta believed in the project so much that he invested millions of his own dollars in the movie.
Studios, and all of Hollywood, did not want to make Battlefield Earth because it was the lightly regarded work of former science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Never really highly thought of as a writer, Hubbard would later go on to essentially declare himself the Messiah and create the religion of Scientology. Creating a religion is, of course, a fairly impressive feat, but that does not automatically m
ake your earlier work better. Even this did not deter Travolta—a devout Scientologist—from adapting the novel for the big screen.
Battlefield Earth, of course, had strong Scientology undertones. In fact, calling them undertones would actually be an insult to subtlety as they were right there on the surface. Fortunately, Scientologists are so secretive as to what they actually believe that even clumsy, over-the-top messaging jammed into a sci-fi movie gets lost on the general public.
The movie was about an Earth that has been under the rule of the alien Psychlos for one thousand years. (Psychlos were giant aliens with dreadlocks—they sort of looked like Predator if a kid had made his Predator costume with a very limited budget). The story involved a rebellion by the human population, which had been enslaved by the Psychlos to mine gold. There were small pockets of free humans who had basically reverted into primitive behaviors, living in remote areas the Psychlos could not be bothered to take over.
It is, of course, one of those free humans, Jonnie (played by former actor Barry Pepper), who attempts to free humanity where he comes into contact with the evil Terl (Travolta) a sort of outcast Psychlo who has been forced by his bosses to supervise the entire Earth-enslaving operation. Even more villainous than his pretty evil fellow Psychlos, Terl devises a way to end his banishment by forcing the humans to mine gold in radioactive areas. Conveniently, Psychlos can’t go anywhere near these areas because despite their monstrous builds, they have delicate constitutions that succumb easily to radiation.
Worst Ideas Ever Page 5
