‘No?’
‘I was tempted. Very tempted, in fact. It just felt so good to have someone saying I was beautiful, admiring me, when all I felt like was some kind of milking machine or housewife. Your father was having problems at work, so he wasn’t interested in me, or I wasn’t interested in him – I’m not sure what came first.’
‘But you and Leo? Why didn’t you?’
‘Let me just say I learned he wasn’t particularly selective with his compliments or favours. I don’t know if I ever would have, mind you. It was probably better just to fantasise about it. I don’t know if you understand that, you modern things with no morals.’
Lainey let that one pass. ‘So what happened? You caught him with someone else?’
‘No. Someone else’s husband caught him with someone else. He scurried off back to England fairly swiftly after that. Well, was pushed off back to England, in fact. That’s why I was so surprised to hear he was back in Meath. Though all of this was a long time ago, of course.’
Lainey could hardly believe all this intrigue had been going on in Dunshaughlin all those years ago. Los Angeles, perhaps. Dublin, even, at a pinch. But Dunshaughlin? ‘And is that when you went to England?’
‘No, that’s when I really had a breakdown. I don’t really know if Leo’s leaving triggered it or not, but I started crying one day and I just couldn’t stop. For days.’
Lainey remembered it. Remembered coming home from school and finding her mother in bed, and her father making the tea, asking the three older children to be as quiet as they could.
‘The doctor said I was exhausted, that I needed a long break, to be spoilt, not to worry about anything. So that’s when I went to England, to stay with Kay for those two months. Do you remember? You called her Aunty Kay. My school friend.’
Yes, Lainey remembered Kay. And she remembered coming home from school the day her mother and Hugh came back from England and seeing her father fussing around them, so pleased to see them again. Not because he had lured her mother from another man, but because he was just happy to have his wife and son home. To have the family together again. Lainey still had more questions. ‘And what about Australia, then? Why did we really go there?’
Mrs Byrne laughed. ‘Why? What extraordinary fact have you uncovered about that? Don’t tell me – you’ve learned your father was a murderer and we were fleeing the law?’
‘Please don’t laugh at me.’
She softened. ‘Lainey, I’m sorry. We went to Australia for exactly the same reason thousands of other Irish people went to Australia. Because we couldn’t make a living in Ireland. Because we’d heard that there was more work there, because we’d heard there were good schools for you kids, that we’d have a better life.’
‘So why was May so mad at Dad? He had every right to go to Australia, didn’t he?’
‘She wasn’t mad about him going. She was mad about him not coming back, as he’d promised. And she was mad about the money.’
Lainey waited, holding her breath. Her questions didn’t need to be asked.
‘May always had lots of money. She was a better saver, more canny, and of course the house and land had been left to her, as the oldest child. Your father wasn’t financially minded, never has been, you may have noticed. She knew we were having problems, not just with me and the breakdown, but making ends meet. It was her idea that we go to Australia, just for a few years, make some money, then come back to Ireland. She paid for everything – the fares, the set-up costs – on the agreement that once we could afford it, we’d come back to Ireland with a nest egg behind us to set us up properly.’
‘But we didn’t.’
‘No, we didn’t. When it came down to it, once things started going well in Australia, we just didn’t want to go back. I was happy in the library, your father’s business was going well, you and the boys had started to make friends. We didn’t think you’d want to come back and we didn’t want to split up the family, not when the boys were still so young.’
‘So she was cross?’
‘She was furious. She said he had cheated her, that he had let down the family, that he was a traitor to the Byrne name.’
All the insults Lainey remembered, but she’d thought they were for a different reason. She remembered what Rohan had said, that May had been lonely, had missed them all. ‘And what did you want to do?’
‘I know Gerry told May we stayed because of me, that it was better for me there – the warmer weather, more library work. But the truth was I was happy to do whatever your father decided. Be where he wanted to be. I really didn’t mind either way.’
‘So you did love him?’ The question, the plea, had come from somewhere deep inside her.
‘Lainey, I love him now. Oh, he’s a lazy, feckless old lump sometimes, and I think he has done himself no favours since the accident, lying in bed feeling sorry for himself, but if he thinks that’s it for the rest of his life, he’s wrong. Once that insurance money is through, I am going to have such an army of physiotherapists and psychiatrists coming through this house he will get up and get better just to get away from them. I want my old Gerry back and I know he’s still in there somewhere.’
‘It really is as simple as all that?’
‘It is, Lainey. Sometimes that’s all it needs to be.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
LAINEY WASN’T WORRIED at first when Nell was late arriving to help with the last-minute preparations for the final weekend. She had enough on her mind as it was, between her mother and Leo Ramsay, Adam and Rohan… She went into town and bought the fresh flowers she liked to put in all the rooms. As she walked past a newsagent, a magazine headline caught her eye. ‘Hilly and Noah split! See inside for details.’ Lainey couldn’t resist it. She went inside and flicked through the pages until she found the article. Apparently the pair had been on holiday in Iceland, not Ireland, and had been overheard having a ferocious row. Hilly Gives Noah the Big Freeze, the subheading read. There were doctored pictures of the two of them throwing snowballs at each other. Eva and Joseph had done their impersonations just in the nick of time, Lainey thought with a grin as she read through the article. It seemed that Hilly had decided she just couldn’t put up with Noah’s bad-boy behaviour any more, a close friend had told the magazine. ‘In her heart she just wants to settle down and have –’
‘Are you going to buy that magazine, missus? This isn’t a library, you know.’
Lainey jumped at the sound of the voice. The shop owner was standing right beside her. She hastily shoved the magazine back in the rack. ‘Sorry, just having a quick look.’ She left in a hurry.
Back home, she made a start on the housework, vacuuming the bedrooms, dusting, polishing, making the rooms as attractive as possible. By lunchtime Nell still hadn’t arrived. She phoned Mrs Hartigan, concerned that Nell wasn’t well, or had car troubles.
‘No, Lainey, Nell’s not here. You’ve got another one of those gourmet things on this weekend, haven’t you?’
‘Yes, I was expecting her here to help me.’
‘But she left here this morning with her bag, said she was staying with you for the weekend again.’
‘Again?’
‘She said you’d told her to stay at the guesthouse each weekend, that it made more sense than driving back and forth every day.’
‘No, I didn’t, Mrs Hartigan. And she hasn’t been staying here, I promise you that.’
‘But she hasn’t been staying here, either. Not for the past three weekends. Lainey, hold on. Let me check her room.’ She was back moments later. ‘All her things are gone.’
Lainey phoned the bus station while Mrs Hartigan contacted the police. She called Lainey straight back. ‘They said there’s nothing they can do yet. She has to be missing for longer than a morning before they can call her a missing person.’
‘This boyfriend of hers,’ Lainey said. ‘He wouldn’t have come over to Ireland to see her, would he? Would you have noticed a young fellow hanging around?
’
‘Oh, he’s not young. That was half the problem.’
‘What was half the problem?’
‘That’s why Caroline, Nell’s mother, objected to him so much. He’s over forty.’
‘Oh, well then. Would you have noticed a forty-year-old Londoner hanging around?’
‘He’s not English, either. He’s American.’
Lainey’s stomach gave a flip. ‘American? What does he look like, Mrs Hartigan, do you know?’
‘No, I don’t. We never met him, and Nell wasn’t the type to be showing us photos of him either. She was far too cross with us.’
‘I think I’ve met him.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I think I’ve met him. I think he’s been staying here. And I think Nell was staying with him, in his room.’ It explained everything. Nell’s change in mood. This American man appearing out of nowhere. The giggling behind the closed doors of his bedroom. It hadn’t been Orla the lecturer in there that morning, or one of his fellow guests the other weekend – it had been Nell all the time. After she’d said goodbye each night, she must have waited outside, in the car probably, until everyone had gone to bed and then crept back in, using the spare key Lainey had given her. It was probably Nell she had heard creeping around, not the mice that time. And then Lainey realised something else. The American man had called himself Len. Which was almost Nell backwards. Their little joke.
Rohan phoned later that afternoon. ‘I haven’t any news about Nell, but I’m just ringing to say my mother wants to come over and help you this weekend. Nell should have been there and she isn’t, and you can’t do it on your own. And to be honest, my mother needs something to do. She’s up the walls worrying.’
Lainey was about to turn him down but realised she would need the help. ‘Are you sure?’
‘We’re sure.’
‘Then thanks. I accept.’
The two of them worked perfectly together, even better than Lainey had with Nell. The guests – two American couples, one Canadian–Irish pair, and an elderly Australian pair of sisters – were delighted with Mrs Hartigan.
‘I’ll have to hire you instead,’ Lainey joked. To her surprise, Mrs Hartigan didn’t dismiss the idea. ‘I wouldn’t mind the occasional outing like this, to be honest. And not just because it’s keeping my mind off Nell.’
Late on Saturday night, Lainey was in the kitchen alone, washing up. Mrs Hartigan was in the dining room talking to the guests, telling stories from her own childhood that were as interesting as the guest speaker had told earlier.
There was a knock at the kitchen door. Rohan appeared, smiling. ‘Nell’s called. She’s safe. She’s back in London, at her house. You were right. That was her boyfriend staying here and she’s feeling very guilty for deceiving you like that.’
Lainey felt a rush of relief. As she turned from the sink, she was astonished to find Rohan right beside her, his hand on her shoulder. She went rigid. He was touching her. Rohan was standing beside her, touching her. Before she had a chance to think, he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. ‘Thanks for all you’ve done, Lainey. I’m so sorry you got caught up in this.’
She opened her eyes wide. His arm was still around her. Was this her chance to finally prove that the whole crush had been in her imagination? Should she test it properly? Without thinking, she thrust her arms forward, grasped him around the waist and pulled him close against her.
He seemed surprised but gave her another awkward hug back, still with his hand on her shoulder. They shuffled around one another for a moment, as if they were trying to waltz without music or had accidentally bumped into each other in the street. She was just summoning up the courage to try and kiss him again when he stepped back from her and took a mobile phone from his jacket pocket.
‘I’ll have to ring Sabine too. She’s been worried sick,’ he said. ‘She’s known Nell since she was a kid and is really fond of her. But I’d better tell Ma first. Do you mind if I go out and find her?’
‘No, please, go right ahead. She’s in the dining room.’
As he left she stood, stock still. That touch had done it, turned fantasy into reality. And the reality was she had felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except for relief. She thought about it again, rewound the scene quickly in her mind. It was as clear as day. There had been no spark between them at all.
Eva’s words about why people had fantasies appeared in block letters in her head. At that moment, Lainey knew they were true. She had been having fantasies about Rohan for exactly the reason Eva had said – because she wanted to fill the gap that being away from Adam had left in her life. And because she wanted to block out the feeling that she had made a big mistake breaking up with him. And why was that?
Because she loved Adam and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
Her heart started thumping. She wasn’t sure if she had felt that way about him before she left Melbourne. But somehow the feeling had come on since. She wouldn’t have thought it possible to fall properly in love with someone if they weren’t actually there. Or to fall in love retrospectively. But it had happened. That was exactly what she’d done.
It felt like a curtain had been flung open in her mind. All the fantasies about Rohan, the thoughts of him being Mr Cholera, had been just that – fantasies. Distractions. She’d been trying to stop herself from thinking about the truth, seeing things as they really were. Which was that she’d made a terrible mistake breaking up with Adam.
Why hadn’t she realised before now? Why hadn’t she guessed? Why hadn’t she realised that was the reason she liked being with Adam so much, why being in bed with him felt more exciting yet more comfortable, relaxed, than it had ever felt with anyone else before? She had thought that the lack of complication, the lack of drama between them, meant it wasn’t real. In fact it had been the opposite – it had been without drama because it had been right between them.
She rubbed her eyes. How could she have even imagined anything happening between her and Rohan? She had always known he was head over heels about Sabine. Just as she had always known that the times he’d called around to Tara Lodge, invited her for dinner, met her for a drink or offered his help, had never had anything to do with her, Lainey. They’d had everything to do with him being a kind and helpful person – wanting to be friendly to someone he’d gone to school with years before, who had also happened to be May’s niece. It had been as simple as that.
She jumped as he came back into the kitchen, putting his mobile phone away, having obviously just spoken to Sabine. ‘She’s as relieved as we are,’ he said with a big smile.
Lainey gazed at him. Even his looks had changed. He wasn’t a sex god, exuding passion and mystery. He was just nice, normal Rohan, the boy she’d gone to school with who had now grown up, still with his big mass of curly hair and a lovely pair of blue eyes. Who had come back to Ireland for a year but was clearly dying to get back home to Germany to be with his Sabine.
‘Lainey? Are you all right?’
She blinked again, trying for the last time to imagine him naked, the two of them passionately kissing. She couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to do it.
‘I’m absolutely fine,’ she said.
That night in bed she felt happier than she had in weeks. She allowed herself to think about Adam, let all the lovely memories rush into her mind, didn’t block them with thoughts of Rohan. It felt as though she was holding a glowing ball of something, as though she had a secret deep inside her, something that made her feel warm and good and happy. A part of her wanted to get in touch with Adam immediately, to phone him, tell him how sorry she was, how she now knew she really wanted to be with him. Another part of her told her to be patient, not to rush things, to take it slowly. She lay in bed, touching the bracelet he had given her. She had been wearing it every day. Come live with me and be my love. Her answer to his question had been a long time coming. She just hoped he still wanted to hear it.
Lainey came in from feeding th
e chickens the next morning to see a light flashing on the answering machine. She hadn’t heard the phone ring. She pressed the button and Hugh’s voice filled the room.
He was in tears. ‘Lainey, can you call me? As soon as you get this message?’
Her fingers were shaking as she dialled. He answered after the first ring. ‘Hugh, are you all right? What is it?’
His voice was all choked up. ‘It’s about Dad.’
‘What’s wrong with him? What’s happened?’
‘Not that Dad. My real dad. Leo Ramsay. Lainey, I have to meet him, get to know him. Will you fly me over?’
Lainey experienced the odd sensation of relief flooding through her and hackles rising, all at once. ‘You brat. Ma told you about that? I’ll kill her. It was supposed to be between us.’
Hugh started laughing. ‘She couldn’t help herself. She thought it was hilarious. Thanks for caring so much about my parentage, Lain.’
‘I’ll kill you, too.’
‘Don’t, I’m just teasing you. She didn’t want to tell us, but Dad and I got it out of her. We knew she had a funny secret. She was all strange after she’d been talking to you on the phone that night.’ He lowered his voice. ‘To be honest, I think it did Dad the world of good, too. The two of them were up talking for hours, remembering all those times, when she was sick and then when she came back home, how he looked after her. Most I’ve heard them talk in ages, actually.’
‘And they’re okay? They’re not fighting all the time?’
‘No more than normal.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Sure I’m sure. Well, as much as I ever know. I’m just the little kid, remember.’
Not that again. ‘So any other news, then, or have you only rung to taunt me for my marvellous ability to jump to conclusions?’ She was dying to ask him if he’d seen Adam again, but also trying to calm herself, be grown up about it. There was no rush, she’d realised. She didn’t have to go charging in to tell him how she felt. She’d finally learnt that.
Spin the Bottle Page 29
