by Jill Shalvis
He answered with a smile and a wicked gleam.
“Do you really think it’s a good idea for me to jump back into your bed?”
“Or yours. I’m not picky.”
She laughed at his audacity and smooth confidence, then her smile faded. “Keith…”
His smile faded, too. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”
She took his hand. “I took the job because I was lonely and hurting and afraid I’d lost myself.”
“You don’t look lost to me.”
“That’s because being here reminds me of the woman I was back then: strong, confident, ready to take on the world.”
“You were—are, an amazing woman.”
“Keith…”
He took in her expression. “Ah, hell. I hate the truth.”
“I’m not that same woman. And maybe the sooner I face that, the better.”
“Maybe that’s true. Maybe you’re not that woman anymore, maybe you’re better.”
She let out a low laugh. “Better? Uh, no.”
His gaze went on a slow tour of her, from head to toe, and back again, stopping at each spot in between. “You’re looking just as fine as always.” He looked her in the eyes, then leaned in and kissed her cheek. “And I hope you end up seeing that.” With a sigh, he tipped his head back to the gorgeous night sky, lit up with the glow of a million stars. “It never gets old, that view, does it?”
“No.” On this one thing at least, they were in complete agreement. “It doesn’t.”
“We were here once together, near this exact spot actually, beneath a night just like this.” He flashed a grin. “Remember?”
Her second expedition, as a matter of fact. He’d set her up in a tent that they’d never used. Instead they’d spread out a blanket and lain beneath a sky just like this one. He’d pointed out all the constellations, telling her stories about each one, and her eighteen-year-old heart had sighed.
She’d fallen hard. “I remember.”
“We were good together, Lily.”
“Were.”
“Ah.” He nodded. “It’s someone else you’re thinking of now.”
Jared. God, it was true. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Lil.” His gaze went to a spot over her shoulder, and then, reaching out, he put a finger over her mouth, ran it over her lower lip in a caress. “One more then, for old time’s sake.” He kept his eyes locked onto hers as he slowly leaned in and kissed her.
Her first thought—he felt warm and comfortable, nothing more. Her second, and far more unsettling thought—that she could think at all meant she wasn’t feeling anything close to what she’d felt when Jared had kissed her. It was shockingly simple. For Keith, she felt a mix of affection and youth, all of it firmly past tense.
In the present, right here, right now, she felt…nothing, and she pulled back. “Keith, I—”
His gaze was drifting over her shoulder, and she found that just odd enough to turn and see what it was that he kept looking at.
Jared had come back into camp. He dropped a load of wood, brushed off his hands and his shirt, but even with the fifty yards separating them, and the dark night, Lily could feel his shock.
“You did that on purpose,” she said to Keith.
His gaze cut to hers. “I’m thinking, someday, you’ll thank me.”
Lily whipped her gaze back to Jared. He looked at her, then turned away and went back into the woods.
UP UNTIL that moment when Jared had seen Keith kissing Lily, he’d found the act of dragging fallen logs and branches through the woods incredibly cathartic. Better than sitting on a bike in a gym. Much better than running laps at the high-school track.
Maybe not quite as good as a marathon bout of up-against-the-wall sex, but then again, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d had that, so he might be remembering it better than it really was.
But he doubted it.
And then he’d gotten that one-two sucker punch to the gut at the sight of Keith with his mouth on Lily.
Damn, that had hurt.
He dumped a whole armful of logs near the fire, and Jack, sitting on top of one of his own previous hauls, held up a hand. “Whoa. We’ve got more than enough.”
“Yeah.” Jared kicked a particularly large log, and felt the pain sing up from his toe to his shin. “Shit.”
“Yeah, the trick is not to let them get to you, dude.”
“The wood?”
“Women.”
Jared slouched against a tree. “How did you know?”
“It’s all over your face.” Jack twisted to where he could see Lily still talking to Keith. “Can’t blame you either. She’s hot.”
At Jared’s long look, Jack lifted his hands. “Hey, just because I’m hitched, doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good look now and then. But listen, when it comes to women, you’ve got to take a big mental step back or they’ll get you in the heart every single time.”
“Yeah? How do you take a step back?”
“You keep yourself just a little removed, you know? I mean, sleep with ’em. Marry ’em if you have to. Just don’t hand over your heart on a silver platter.”
“So you never gave Michelle your heart?”
“Hell, no. She’d have killed me a long time ago.”
Jared watched Lily say something to Keith that made his smile fade.
Good.
Then Keith shook his head, said something else, and Lily touched his cheek and walked away.
Jared liked the look of that even better.
Keith walked away, too, and the knot in Jared’s insides loosened slightly so that he could let out a deep breath. He hadn’t felt so tense since…since he’d been sitting in the hospital staring in shock at the doctor whose mouth was forming the word cancer.
Crazy. Crazy that he felt so strong so soon.
Lily, at her tent, turned, and unerringly, across all the yards that separated them, found and locked her gaze on Jared’s.
Neither of them moved for a long beat, and then finally she crawled into her tent, which she firmly zipped closed.
Jack let out a breath. “Some tension there, huh?”
“Yeah.”
Lily’s tent shook a little as she moved around in there. Jared pictured her stripping down for bed—an image not helped by the fact he’d had his hands on her now, and wanted them on her again. “You know,” he said to Jack. “I think there might be something to opening up and letting a woman in. Really in.”
“Sure,” Jack explained. “It’s called certain death.”
“Not every time.”
“Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, then.”
Jared shook his head, still looking at Lily’s tent. It’d gone still. What was she doing now? “Might be worth the risk.” He had to think it was. He hadn’t been to hell and back to live life the way he’d used to. There had to be more than that, he believed it with every single ounce of heart and soul he had. “Because when you get it right, there’s nothing like it.”
“Yeah?” Jack looked at him curiously. “And has it ever been right for you?”
“Not yet.”
“I rest my case.”
“I’m not giving up.”
Jack shook his head. “You’re in for a world of pain, dude. Seriously.”
“It’s worth the risk.”
“How do you know?”
“Because without it, why bother at all?”
Jack cocked his head to the side as he absorbed that, looking thoughtful now, instead of all-knowing. “To avoid the pain?”
“But one of these days, when it’s right, there won’t be pain. And then you’ll have it all.” Jared shrugged. “I just think it’s worth the try, that’s all.”
“Huh.” Jack looked at the tent he shared with Michelle. “Yeah, maybe.” Standing, he brushed off his hands. “See you in the morning.”
Jared watched him vanish into his tent and wished he had the right to be heading toward Lily�
�s with that same intent and purpose. Instead, he headed toward his own. Always, he’d been fine with only himself for company, but now, tonight, as he looked at his empty sleeping bag, he felt lonely.
The hell with this. The hell with not having the right, or being polite and letting her mull things over. The hell with being lonely.
The hell with all of it, and he stepped back out of his tent. The campfire was out, everyone was inside their tents. In the dark night, he headed directly for Lily’s. Lightly, he tapped on the canvas door. “Lily?”
No answer.
Hunkering down, he tugged open the zipper enough to stick his head in. “Lily, I—”
But the words caught in his throat, because the tent was empty. He checked the water’s edge, checked the entire clearing, and a little bit into the woods.
Nothing.
Then he looked across the lake and saw a movement. She was sitting on the edge of the water, hugging her knees, staring up at the sky.
It took him a while to figure out how to get to her, but he found the trail that led around and came up behind her.
But before he could speak, she stood up and faced him. “Look, here’s the thing. I…don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Lily.”
“I’m serious. I don’t.”
“You seem like you know. You’re an incredible guide, Lily.”
“I meant with you. I…don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to you.”
“Well that’s okay. We can wing it.”
“I came here to find myself. Pre-mistake Lily. Pre-weak Lily. But the thing is, I’m beginning to see I’m never going to live up to that person. I’m not the same anymore. I’m not strong, and there’s so much I can’t do.”
“You’re being a little harsh on yourself.”
“Just being real.”
“So…what, you think that’s going to scare me off? Knowing you have doubts and fears like the rest of us humans? I know who you are, Lily, and who you aren’t. Now give yourself a moment, you just had an epiphany.”
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I don’t need—”
“I know.” But he pulled her close anyway, and to his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him.
“You see me,” she whispered. “You, Jared, the city guy, the business guy, the sophisticated, elegant digital wizard…who’d have thought you could see me?”
He smiled against her hair and held on. Once all of those things, and maybe a small part of him still was.
“But you’re also more,” she whispered, and if she hadn’t worked her way into his heart yet, she did in that very second for understanding him. “So much more, Jared.”
He let his mouth brush her temple, then lower, just beneath her ear, and in response, she let out a long shuddery sigh that went through him like an erotic touch. “You’re so much more, too, Lily.”
She paused at that, as if unfamiliar with the concept. Gliding his hands into her hair, he tugged her head back so that he could get a good look at her mouth, which he wanted on his. “And here’s another thought.”
“You’re going to kiss me?”
“Oh yeah, but first I want you to know something.”
Her eyes went wary. “What?”
He put his finger to her silky soft lips. “I think you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.”
Her soft exhale warmed his finger, and when she finally smiled, it also warmed his heart. “You’re also a little bit stubborn,” he added, “in case no one’s ever mentioned.”
“Uh-huh.” Her smile hit her eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“How about that you’re sexy as hell?”
She stared at him for a long moment. “I need a moment away from here, where I’m not in charge, where I don’t have to think. Do you think you can manage any of that?”
She trusted him to take over, to lead, even if only for a little while. “I’m certain I can.”
10
LILY FELT Jared’s hand slip into hers, and she followed when he gently tugged. In the far recesses of her logical mind, she knew she should send him off to his own tent, and find her way to hers.
She also knew the folly of letting him lead her anywhere in these mountains that he didn’t know like she did. But she didn’t stop him. Nor, for the first time in her life, did she even attempt to navigate the situation.
She simply let him lead. Wanted him to, so she could shut herself off, just for a little while. It’d been a long, long time since she could do so, certainly since before her accident, and ever since then she’d been fighting that all-consuming, unrelenting fear that she’d never be the same, that she’d not be able to support herself, and any of a myriad of other anxieties and concerns.
She wanted oblivion…nirvana.
Mindlessness.
Jared’s broad shoulders blocked out of most of the view of where they headed, and that was fine, that was perfect. For the first time in too long, she emptied her brain of thought, leaving only…emotions.
She’d had only herself to rely on. Or at least that’s what she’d always wanted. But somehow, on this trip, that was just another misconception she was discovering.
Leaning on someone might be good. If only for a few…
Jared stepped into the shadows and became a tall, dark sinewy outline of a man. “Come here.”
She shifted toward him, and he pulled her down to a rock. She saw they were on the far side of the lake. They were still within earshot of the others, but just out of view.
Fog hovered on the water, drifting over them, smudging the night scenery like a glorious wet painting. With a sigh, Lily let it all surround her, the crickets singing, the branches brushing together in the light breeze.
Her own heartbeat.
Jared didn’t say a word, just sat next to her, taking in the magnificent night in utter silence. She looked at him, at his profile with his strong, masculine features and the mouth that she, quite shockingly, wanted on hers. “Jared.”
“I want to strip you out of your clothes and take you right here.”
“The others—”
“Can hear, I know. We’d be quiet.”
The sharp desire in his voice when contrasted to his easy posture, tugged a short laugh out of her. “Uh—”
He looked at her then, his glasses slipping just a little, a frown on his mouth. His stubble had filled in a little after two full days, and his hair had been finger-combed again. Overall impression:
Badass.
When had that happened? Looking at him, a little frisson of sheer desire zinged through her, beginning at her toes, traveling through every single erogenous zone she had, plus a few she’d forgotten about…Yeah, she’d definitely found her oblivion, her nirvana. “Jared.”
“I know it sounds crazy,” he said. “You could have—”
“Jared.”
“—any guy on the planet—”
Cupping his face, she gave him a little shake. “Jared.”
“Yeah?”
“I don’t want to talk,” she whispered.
“You don’t—”
She kissed him. He didn’t protest, and neither did the night. A breeze blew her hair across her face and she impatiently shoved it aside, shooting closer.
With a groan, he pulled her in. She sank into him, the scent of his skin better than any scent she could remember. Around them, the water hit the rocky shore with a rhythmic, almost hypnotic regularity, in tune to their heavy breathing as she strained to get even closer.
She could hear the murmurs of voices—Michelle’s and Jack’s, she thought. Or maybe Rose’s and Rock’s. There was something incredibly arousing about that, knowing they were within earshot, especially given what she wanted to do.
“Lily—”
“No. No talking.” To that end, she took his mouth again, dancing her tongue to his, absorbing his low groan of pleasure, loving how his arms tightened on her as he kissed her back, hot and deep.
“God, you
taste so good,” he murmured, dragging kisses along her jaw to her ear. “So damned sweet. I can’t get enough.”
She couldn’t either. His kisses, his touches, were as quietly demanding as the man himself could be. He kissed her again and again, and leaning over her, urged her back on the rock, stretching her out, supporting himself with his hands on either side of her face.
Oh, yeah, now this was what she’d wanted. Desire. Hunger. More, please.
Lifting his head, he looked down at her sprawled out beneath him. “You look sweet, too.”
She let out a sound that was half laugh, half groan. He needed to shut up and kiss her some more.
“What, no one’s ever told you that before?”
“Not exactly.”
“Well they should have because you are. And hot. Did I mention you’re also hot? So damned hot. Lily—”
“No talking.”
“Can’t help myself.”
“Try harder.”
“Maybe if my mouth was busy—” In the interest of her wishes, he kissed the spot beneath her ear, then slowly exhaled, making her shiver wildly.
Good start.
“Mmm.” He shifted to her neck, dragging hot, wet open-mouthed kisses down the base of her throat, where she was certain her pulse had approached heart-attack speed.
“And you taste pretty damn hot, too,” he said with a smile, the one that seemed to melt her brain cells and her bones at the same time. “Sweet and hot.”
The night added to the intimacy. Around her she could hear the things that had always lulled her, soothed her; the crickets, a distant howl…her favorite sounds.
But now she had a new favorite sound—the quickening of Jared’s breath as he stared at her hungrily, and also with just a little of a befuddled surprise, as if he couldn’t quite believe his luck. Then he bent over her again, touching his mouth to hers, and she knew she’d been right. There was no better way to beat back the emptiness that had taken over than with this. Him. Sliding her hands into his short, silky hair, she held him to her.
“Lily—”
“Shh.” Beneath him, her body was coming alive, the loneliness and emptiness she’d felt only a short time before with Keith quickly being replaced by a heat that was working outward from everywhere Jared’s mouth touched. Then his warm hands slid beneath her T-shirt, skimming over her ribs, his fingertips just barely stroking the undersides of her breasts. Her nipples had long ago hardened, but they hardened further, into two tight, aching peaks.
