by M. Merin
“I’m worried,” I start. “People I trust are freaked out about you. I want to think the best and yesterday you said you’d never hurt us. But there’s something big, isn’t there? Whatever it was you said you needed some time to talk about?”
“You said I could have that time,” he quietly responds, lifting an eyebrow in question and I nod. “Give me that then. I swear I’ll always protect you from my shit. I don’t want it touching either of you. I’m working with Gunner now, like I told you and doing smaller jobs around the MC.”
“I won’t talk about anything with Michaels,” I cut off the next words I imagine him trying to form. “I understand you need to trust me, too, so as long as nothing you do hurts anyone I love; it’ll stay between us.”
“Guess I won’t be talking you into moving in with me today, will I?” He says softly as he looks down at our son between us, playing with his finger. I quickly squelch the crazy mom voice that says Shade didn’t wash his hands after carrying everything inside.
“Not today. No.” I reach out to tug Shade’s ear and get a startled look from him. “Thank you for everything you got us.”
“Can I show you the stuff?” Shade looks up at me, his excitement is clear across his face. “And there’s more at my house, I started painting a room for Danny and then we can get it all set up…” Shade continues as he lays out everything he picked up and I feel like Christmas has come early. I can’t help my smile when I notice he even bought the cream I like to use on my boobs.
Danny entertains himself, making all types of funny sounds that make us laugh as I sort out items that won’t work, and Shade generously lets me know he’s got the receipt and will have the credit put on a store card for me.
Suddenly, I’m completely overwhelmed and I throw myself at his chest. He gathers me close as I cry, trying his best to soothe me.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say, wiping at the wet spot I made on his cut. “You did so much and you really thought about these things.” I hold him tight, beyond grateful for the effort he is making. “Even with all Ellie’s done, I’ve felt so alone. And this, all you’re trying to do? It really means a lot to me.”
“Got you a little something, too, Rosy,” he smiles down on me, a glint in his eyes I haven’t seen before. Pulling a long jewelry box out of the inside pocket of his cut. He opens it to show me a gold necklace with the infinity symbol in the center. “Not everyone’s gonna have good things to say about me, Jessa, but just give me a chance? See what you think?”
I lean up to kiss his lips, his hands trapped between us as he holds the box allows me to take control. And I do. I pour all the emotions I’ve had for the past year into this kiss and he responds in kind. Dropping the box, he cups the back of my head and kisses me like I wanted him to the night we met.
“I’m not ready to move in with you yet, Shade,” I pant when we finally pull back from each other. “But maybe a date?”
“No,” he shakes his head, smirking at me. “Dates. Plural. Some with our boy and some’ll just be one on one, Jessa.”
The moment I agree, Danny starts fussing and no sooner do I pick him up than he’s latched onto my breast. “Lucky little bastard,” Shade mumbles.
“Hey!” I cry out, trying to look angry.
“Oh, shit! I didn’t mean it that way,” he starts before he sees the grin on my lips. “’Sides, he already has my last name.”
It’s my turn to be surprised, “What? No, it’s…”
“My last name is Hall, Rosy. My mother’s maiden name,” he explains and my eyes widen in surprise. “I still want to get my name on his birth certificate, sooner rather than later.”
“What are the odds of having the same last name, I wonder?” Shade wraps his arms around me when I ask, holding my back flush against his chest as he continues to watch me nurse our son. Looking up and down, I can’t keep the grin off my face. Father and son have nearly the same knitted brow; one is concentrating on getting his fix, the other in soaking up every detail of his child.
Chapter 8
Shade
I hold so still, keeping my eyes on my boy, acting oblivious to the content look on Jessa’s face as her eyes flick between our little guy and me. I pretend I don’t notice how her body has relaxed into mine. What I can’t ignore is the feeling of peace that is seeping through my veins.
When I was a child, there were nights that rage would shoot through me and my grandfather couldn’t hold on to me.
My mother pretended I didn’t exist, and since she had no clue which of the men she was banging could have fathered me, I was left to my grandfather. He was old and pissed that in his retirement he was suddenly saddled with a kid. Knowing that I’d wind up in the system if it weren’t for him was the only reason he let me live in his home.
I may as well have been a boarder.
As a child, I don’t remember being held or kissed. I don’t remember playing games until I got to school, there was simply whatever he was watching on TV or getting sent out to the backyard to explore on my own.
School was a nightmare. Teachers didn’t know what to do with a five-year-old who didn’t know the concept of sharing. I could swear like a sailor but didn’t know the alphabet; not to mention a bath was something that was only forced on me when the old man couldn’t stand my smell anymore.
I was quickly moved to the special ed tract and I’m sure my behavior would have continued to get worse if my third grade teacher hadn’t moved in down the street from us and began to understand how I was being raised.
Mrs. Cavanaugh and her husband slowly started working me into their lives. She would feed me, gently teaching me to use silverware and to say please and thank you. Mr. Cavanaugh, on the other hand, would play catch with me or show me what he was working on in his garage – all the while talking about things he had done or learned as a kid. I was nearly twenty when I realized that his funny stories had been his attempt to give me instructions in some round-about way.
Once I started responding to the Cavanaugh’s, my grandfather found my presence a little less annoying and would let me help him in his woodshop from time to time. Our relationship would never be solid but it got easier.
I learned not to explode when the rage would well up inside of me. I learned to channel it. I would get up at night and start roaming the neighborhood. Moving a bike from one yard to a house a few blocks down, filling up pools with any loose items that were left out, releasing the air from tires of cars parked on the street, and what became my personal favorite: taking a dump on doorsteps.
I was a tall, scrawny kid with a smart mouth. Working out became necessary so I wouldn’t get my ass kicked too bad. That worked, the only problem was the thrill I got the first time I won a fight. I didn’t start it, but I didn’t stop until the other kid wasn’t moving. He landed in the hospital for a week.
The school administration was less than impressed with my new ability and placed me on suspension. I one upped them though, got a job at a lumberyard and never went back. After my grandfather’s stroke, I hit the road and didn’t think about school again until years later. Jasper and I were talking and it came up that his Ol’ Lady was tutoring a few Brothers and Betsy, helping them get their GEDs. I approached Emma about it a few days later.
Emma’s not what anyone would consider a biker chick, but she and Jasper are so devoted to each other that we’ve all come to embrace her as an authority figure. She was fragile when Jasper found her, but she’s strong in her own way and has taken her place as queen bee among the Ol’ Ladies.
Me getting my GED was nothing short of a miracle. Emma worked her ass off, drumming the material into my head in a way that would stick. There were days I sat back as she’d tutor a handful of us, watching her taking a different tack with each of us.
The pride I felt when I passed the test was indescribable. My boy will get his diploma the right way, an errant thought pops into my head. And just like that, I know there’s nothing I won’t do to make this idea o
f a family, reality.
“I told you before, I don’t know how to be a father, Jessa,” I whisper in her ear after she shifts Danny from one breast to the other and she immediately tenses up at my words. “I never had one and I want to do it right. Will you help me? Please.”
Jessa
All of the air whooshes out of my lungs when Shade expresses his vulnerability and I turn my head to press my lips to his. Before I can pull back and properly answer, the front door opens and Roy walks in. Shade quickly grabs a blanket and basically throws it on me. I know he just means to cover my boobs from view but I can’t help the scream I let out at suddenly getting a face full of fleece.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Roy yells, stepping towards us.
“Roy! Danny’s almost asleep,” I loudly whisper, glaring at them both and trying to keep hold of the blanket and my son. “I think Shade was trying to cover my chest and not smother me in front of you.”
Roy’s hands are still fisted and I can feel the tension in Shade’s arms as he holds me. “Back the fuck off, Roy. I got her now,” he nearly growls.
“Shade,” I hiss. We are definitely not there yet, but I don’t want to make things worse with Roy - who’s just trying to protect me – so I just shield my chest from view and head upstairs. Pausing on the top step, when Shade stays behind, I pray I won’t have to call the Sheriff on them.
“I know you’ve been around for them, old man. But let’s be clear: that’s my son AND my woman. I’m not going to take any shit from you over spending time with them. I didn’t fucking know about him, so just back the hell off while I get my bearings.”
“And once you do?” Roy doesn’t back down. “You even know how to treat a lady right? Ellie and Jessa are important to me and I won’t stand by while either one of them get hurt.”
“Again, she’s not your goddamn business anymore,” Shade turns and is halfway up the stairs before he sees me standing on the top step. I pivot, pointing for him to go into my room while I head into Danny’s to put him down. Rocking my boy for a few moments, I enjoy the sound of his belch right before he drifts off and I put him in his bassinet.
Entering my room and closing the door behind me, my jaw drops. Shade’s on my bed. His boots are off, along with his T-shirt and Holy Fuck. He looks like water in the desert. An extraordinary hot and dry desert.
Then he rolls over, making sure that the baby monitor is turned on. “What time do you have to be at work?” he asks me, patting the bed beside him.
“Eight tonight, I usually sleep in the afternoons when Danny does,” I’m hesitant to approach the bed.
“Let me hold you until then?” Shade smiles at me and I have to stop myself from tackling him.
“I need to take this slow, Shade. None of this claiming me shit you all do. You don’t get to come in here and say everything all smooth and think that I’ll just…you know!” I wave a hand in the direction of his perfect body and the bulge in his jeans.
Sitting up, he reaches over to pull me in between his legs, holding me tight against his body. “I won’t give you this thick dick of mine again until you’re good and ready, but don’t you ever fucking doubt that I’m laying my claim on you. Now, get your sweet ass in this bed next to me so I can hold you while you rest.”
“Shade, we’re not a couple,” I sigh, exhaustion catching up with me. “We’re not anything but accidental parents.”
He scoops me up and lays me in the center of the bed. I bite my lip to stop a startled scream from slipping out, certain that Roy would rush into the room otherwise, and I’m too tired to argue with Shade right now. Especially, not against something I want so badly.
“We will be a couple and I don’t believe that baby of ours was an accident,” Shade spoons me, whispering in my ear. “I was nothing but a fucking accident my whole life, but now? I’m gonna be his daddy and the man you need. You said you’d give me a chance, Rosy. Tell me, how do you feel when I’m wrapped around you like this?”
“I’m so tired I can’t think,” I sigh, trying to hide the truth from both of us. “I never expected any of this. I love him so much, Shade. I didn’t mean for a second that I regret having him.”
“Shhh, I’ve seen you with him. I’d never think that.” Without another word, he presses a kiss against my neck and holds me tight as I quickly fall asleep.
*
I’m alone when I awake, hours later than I usually sleep in the afternoon. Hurrying from the bed, I rush first to Danny’s room then downstairs to find father and son enjoying the activity mat that Danny’s lying on. Ellie sits on the couch, pretending to knit but keeping a close eye on Danny.
“Shade brought him down for a feeding a couple hours ago,” Ellie reports. “We’re getting low on your pump bottles, so make some tonight.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I roll my eyes at how she always makes that sound like a grocery item.
“How’d you sleep, Rosy?” Shade’s eyes light up when he looks at me and I turn red at him using that name in front of anyone else.
“Hmmm, you do make her blush, don’t you?” Ellie observes with her, thankfully, incorrect guess as to what my nickname means. Getting up, she heads out to the kitchen.
“Don’t you freaking do that!” I hiss at Shade once she’s out of earshot. “The things you say to me are filthy enough but don’t you call me that in front of anyone and especially not her!”
“You like the dirty shit I say to you,” he smirks up at me. “Was thinking about us when you were sleeping. All warm in my arms.”
I raise my eyebrow at him as I sink down on the other side of Danny, close enough to talk quietly to Shade but with our boy as a barrier between us.
“Like I said, other than that one time, I’ve been rubbing myself off ever since we met,” he starts telling me what’s going on in his mind. “A guy I know, he’s made it clear as fuck to his Ol’ Lady and everyone else that he’s faithful to her. Thought you’d want to know for sure, so I’m telling you: I’ll be that way with you. Don’t want you worrying about me chasing tail on top of figuring us out. I tested clean when I got back to town, but I’ll go in tomorrow so you can see a recent test.”
“Thank you for letting me sleep longer, Shade,” I respond, not knowing what to say to his promise but wanting to offer him something. “I try to keep a schedule but it means a lot you helped me. Um, what else were you thinking about?”
He lets me see his eyes dip down to my breasts before he answers, “Lots of things you don’t want your aunt hearing, but also that I want to take you out. What nights are you off?”
“The next two nights after this shift,” I answer hesitantly.
“Ellie?” he calls out, startling me. She pops her head through the doorway in reply. “You and Roy going to the party at the clubhouse tomorrow night?”
“No, we weren’t planning on it,” her eyes dart between us as she answers.
“I’d like to take Jessa, if you wouldn’t mind watching Danny?” He asks, nice as can be.
“That’d be fine, Shade, thank you for checking with me,” Ellie’s answer lacks her earlier hostility towards him, and I’m even more surprised when she continues. “Roy and I would like to go for a longer ride next week. If we plan it up against Jessa’s days off, would you stay here with Danny while she’s working?” He smiles widely and quickly nods in agreement as she turns back into the kitchen.
“Come with me tomorrow night, Rosy?”
“How? What? Is she?” I can’t form a sentence and can only look between him and where she disappeared back into the kitchen. I’m dumbfounded by Ellie’s easy response and request.
“I want you to meet my Brothers, Jessa. But if you want to just go to dinner, we could do that?”
Still stunned by Ellie’s reply, I simply agree to the party at the clubhouse.
Chapter 9
Shade
Pulling up to Ellie’s house the next night, I think I’m more nervous than excited. I checked with Gunner today and it so
unds like most of the Ol’ Ladies were planning on going tonight. The single guys shouldn’t get too out of control until way past midnight; making me think we’ll be ok. But I know that Jessa’s first impression of my Brothers is important to us moving forward.
Knocking on the door, Roy answers it and without a word points me towards the stairs. Jessa’s amazing fucking ass is the first thing I see when I peek in Danny’s room. She’s bent over his bassinet, singing some song and when she looks over her shoulder at me, all I can think of is making another baby with her.
Leaning against the door frame, I keep my eyes glued to the jeans that are tightly hugging her round ass. Smiling when I can feel her roll her eyes at me, I continue to enjoy the view of her in those jeans and shiny, blue spiked heels too much to care. Dragging my eyes upwards as she turns to me, I move to kiss her. She looks great in a black tank top, the necklace I bought her, and her brown wavy hair hanging loose to her elbows.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” I whisper against her lips and she softly laughs, looking up at me.
“I was thinking the same thing about you,” her eyes shine as they look into mine. “Kiss your son goodnight and I’ll grab my jacket, ok?” I nibble on her neck, getting a little shiver in reply before I release her.
Danny’s little mouth is hanging open and he lightly grumbles when I kiss his forehead. “Gonna make us a family, little man. I promise you that. You’re always gonna have me around.” I say quietly so no one will overhear my oath. Straightening to follow Jessa, it seems it was her turn to check out my ass.
“What did you say to him?” she asks.
“Man-stuff.”
She cocks an eyebrow at me but I concentrate on getting her out of the house and onto my bike. After making sure the helmet I got her fits right, I take the long way to the clubhouse. Once again, enjoying the calm night air with my Rosy holding me close.
