Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  I wasn’t exactly the kind of girl a dad hoped his son would fall in love with.

  Not that Ryder was still in love with me… In fact, I had no idea how Ryder felt about me, good or bad. We hadn’t spoken much since our kiss. He hadn’t explained why he had kissed me and I hadn’t tried to broach the conversation either. We filled up with gas again and grabbed some more fast food in silence. Once we got to this gas station the quiet had become such a strong part of our companionship I had started to believe it would never be broken.

  Ryder and I were masters of denial. Denying our feelings for each other was nothing new for us.

  It just felt worse this time around.

  I wanted to know what he was thinking. I no longer had a heart to protect or a future to guard. Everything I had tried to do up until now had failed and I had been left with nothing but a husk of my former self.

  And there wasn’t much there to begin with.

  “How much does your dad hate me?” I whispered when Ryder made a move for his door handle.

  He gave me an unreadable expression over his shoulder. “He doesn’t hate you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s impossible. Of course he hates me.”

  “He doesn’t,” Ryder insisted. “Why would you think that?”

  “I ruined your life. I left you in the hospital. I haven’t called or let you know that I was all right. Basically he has all of the same reasons to hate me that you do.”

  “Do you think that I hate you?”

  “Don’t you?” I held my breath while I waited for him to answer, even though I already knew what he was going to say. Of course, he hated me. How could he not?

  “Ivy, I don’t hate you,” Ryder countered. “I’ve never hated you. I-”

  A tap at the window ended Ryder’s confession. The breath I had been holding whooshed from my lungs and I nearly choked on the force of it.

  Ryder didn’t hate me.

  He never hated me.

  How was that possible?

  Ryder opened the door and stepped down from the cab of his Bronco. I turned to my door handle and followed suit. I stepped into the sultry summer night and welcomed the sticky heat that wrapped around my bare arms. Omaha’s humidity had to be at a high; the wet heat was so thick it settled heavily in my lungs and pulled beads of sweat from my head at first contact.

  But after sitting in the air conditioned car for hours, it felt surprisingly refreshing.

  I walked around the back of the Bronco and willed myself to have courage in the face of Matt and Nate Sutton. They both stood close to Ryder, speaking in hushed tones and with defensive stances.

  The three tall, built men so close together, clearly involved in an important conversation were very intimidating. I wasn’t sure if I had the courage to approach them.

  Sure, I could kill a gigante with my bare hands, but stepping close to Ryder’s family was, frankly, too much to ask.

  “Where will you go?” I heard Nate ask Ryder.

  “I don’t know,” Ryder answered. “And it’s probably better if you don’t know anyway. Safer.”

  Nate nodded once. I could see the shadows of grief and loss flickering across his face. Nate had already lost his wife and now I was going to take away his only son.

  My heart squeezed painfully. I wanted to run over there and beg for his forgiveness. I wanted to slink off into the dark night and leave Ryder for a second time- this time for the good of his family.

  “This is what he wants.” Matt’s low voice made me jump and nearly scream.

  I slammed a hand over my mouth and stared at him with wide eyes. “You scared me!”

  A small smile played at his lips. “I’m sorry. I thought you saw me walk over here.”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t ask him to leave. I’ve never wanted him to leave you guys.”

  “We know that, Ivy. And he knows that too. He didn’t come to this decision lightly, but he’s thought it out. Trust me. We all have.”

  “He talked about it with you? He was completely honest?”

  Matt nodded once to confirm. “Completely. I’ve got to say… it’s some pretty weird shit. We didn’t believe him at first. But then, I don’t know, it started to make sense. He told us from the beginning that if you ever came back that he would be gone. He wasn’t going to give you another chance to leave him.”

  “I’m surprised he still wants to go with me,” I confessed. Nate and Ryder had put their heads together over Ryder’s passport and I hoped that meant Ryder couldn’t hear us. “I mean after everything that happened and what I did to him-”

  Matt cut me off sharply. “Ivy, do you understand how much that boy cares for you?” I looked up at him and shook my head. Matt was a grownup version of Ryder and the younger version of Nate. His dark hair hung down to his chin but was somehow less wild than Ryder’s, and he carried the Sutton strong bones and good looks. He was more open than Ryder and his dad though. When you met Matt, you immediately knew he was a good guy. Ryder and Nate took longer to get to know. I had always liked Matt, from the first moment I met him. This was one of the reasons I had so easily felt a part of Ryder’s family. Matt went on, “Imagine if the tables were turned. Imagine if Ryder was the one that had to leave you. Would you forgive him?”

  “Yes.” There was no hesitation in my answer. I had thought I was taking him out of danger when I left in the first place. I would have done whatever it took to make sure Ryder was safe. If he felt like he had to leave me, I would have fully supported his decision.

  Even if it ripped me to pieces to let him leave.

  “So maybe he’s upset with how things played out, but, Ivy, Ryder would do anything to keep you safe. Never doubt that. Never doubt him.”

  I nodded. I felt choked up again from Matt’s easy explanation. “And you don’t hate me?” I whispered my question. “And Nate doesn’t either?”

  Matt smiled gently and looked up at the stars partially hidden behind the haze of city lights. When his gaze dropped back to mine, I prepared myself for more truth. He had that look about him, the look that said he had no more reason to hold anything back.

  “You remind me of his mom in a lot of ways. She had a little bit of your world in her. I mean, I don’t know for certain, but you’re familiar in that way. She was gorgeous, unbelievably so. And she had this way about her that made you feel like you could do anything… be anything. When Nate met her, I knew immediately that she was it for him. The good thing, though, was that he was it for her too. They shared something that is rare, something infinitely special. I have always been jealous of what they had.”

  I swallowed thickly and wondered if Ryder’s mom wasn’t actually something from my world. From Matt’s description of her, she sounded like a Muse.

  But Muses were Nix’s territory. She would have been one of his girls.

  Which was impossible knowing that Nix never let his girls go. And Ryder’s dad wasn’t worth anything substantial as far as riches untold or unending wealth.

  Besides, Ryder was a boy. Muses, Nymphs and Sirens only had girls.

  “She would have liked you,” Matt went on. “She would have understood, which is why Nate is trying to understand.”

  “Why do you say that?” Alarm bells started ringing in my head.

  They were justified when Matt explained, “She came from a really bad home life. She was never very open with the details, at least with me, but I know it was pretty bad for her. When she met Nate, she had already escaped a world of pain. She would have wanted you to get out of your situation, Ivy. She would have supported you in every single way.”

  “Ryder must be a lot like her.”

  Matt grinned at me. “In all the best ways.”

  “Thank you for telling me that. And thank you for supporting Ryder. I know it means a lot to him.”

  He chuckled, “Yeah, well, Ryder is going to do whatever he wants anyway. This way when things finally settle down, he feels like he can come back home.”

  I
had heard Ryder say that before, but it finally hit me how true those words were. Would there be a time in our future when Ryder would be able to go back home? Would we ever be safe enough to see his family again?

  I hoped so.

  “Take care of him, Ivy,” Matt gave his one final order. “Be good to him.”

  I nodded, but suddenly the future felt too heavy for me to hold. Take care of Ryder? How? How could I protect him from the things I couldn’t even protect myself from? How could I keep him safe when I couldn’t even keep myself safe?

  “I’ll try,” I whispered.

  Matt had already moved on though. He didn’t hear my weak promise or the catch in my confidence. He walked over to Ryder and pulled him into a long goodbye hug. I watched the two men embrace in awe.

  I had never had family like that. I had never cared about anybody but Honor and myself until I met Ryder.

  And yet Ryder was willing to give up his easy home life to follow me to the pits of the Underworld.

  It just didn’t make sense.

  Nate walked over to me and I could see the purpose etched into his wrinkled forehead. He held my frightened gaze with one that was strikingly similar to his son’s.

  Nate Sutton was the exact picture of a cool college professor. He taught music in the performing arts department at our local university and I could imagine all of the kids loving his class because he was the one professor that “got” them.

  He somehow managed to meld his age with his hip style and this old world wisdom I found absolutely charming. Ryder looked up to his dad and his uncle with unwavering respect and to me that spoke volumes.

  “He’s leaving for a reason,” Nate greeted in that upfront way I knew Ryder got from him.

  “I told him not to come with me.” I fidgeted nervously in front of him.

  Nate graced me with a wide smile. “You even tried to leave him here before, yeah?”

  I glanced at Ryder and hoped he didn’t overhear this. “Yeah. I tried.”

  “Then as his dad, that’s all I can ask. He wants to go with you, Ivy. I’m not going to stop him and you shouldn’t either. He needs to make his own choice or this is always going to be a regret for him.”

  “It’s just… it’s not safe,” I argued. “I want to keep him safe.”

  Nate’s eyes softened with compassion. “Ivy, that’s what he wants to do for you. I suggest you let him.”

  “What if… what if something happens? It’s dangerous, Nate. He could get hurt or worse. I’m worried that…” I trailed off. I couldn’t tell Nate everything I was worried about. There were too many things that could happen and probably would happen. Nate seemed pretty chill about Ryder leaving; I didn’t want to turn this into a bad situation.

  Nate laughed lightly and held my gaze. “Ivy, Ryder is not looking for something safe. He could have had safe whenever he wanted it over the last year. Instead, he waited and waited and did as much as he could to prepare for the time when you came back. Matt and I tried to talk him out of you more than once over the long last year. We saw how hard it was for him to focus on the present and how difficult it was for him to lose you. We watched him fail over and over while his mind stayed preoccupied with you. That wasn’t easy for us, Ivy, but I can only imagine how hard it was for him. Still, he focused on you and what it would be like when you came back. He never once doubted that he would see you again. He never once gave up hope or changed his plans. He doesn’t want safe. I can say that without hesitation. He wants you. And on that note, love is hardly ever safe. It’s always a risk. No matter what the circumstances may be, we always risk something great when we decide to fall. Ryder trusts you to be enough for the risk to be worth it. He trusts that your heart will catch his and that you’ll give him the opportunity to have your forever.”

  I was speechless. I didn’t think we were talking about love or forever.

  That wasn’t what this was about.

  “Fight for him, Ivy,” Nate continued. “That’s all I ask. Fight for him, because god knows, he’s fighting for you.”

  My heart kicked in my chest and my body heated with emotion. My lips were dry, so I licked them nervously, trying to contain my scattered, frantic thoughts.

  Nate continued to surprise me by yanking me into a tight hug. His arms went around me and I breathed in his aftershave and cologne. “I’m trusting you with my son, Ivy. Fight for him.”

  “I will,” I croaked. “Of course, I will. I’ll never stop.” Tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes, so I shut them tightly and willed them away.

  Nate pulled away and I ducked my head so he wouldn’t see my embarrassing emotion. Mostly, I didn’t want him to interpret them as anything but what they were- fierce conviction.

  Our small circle closed tighter together and Ryder stepped up to hug his dad. They embraced for a long time, holding each other and offering muffled promises that I couldn’t hear.

  “We should go,” Ryder finally said. “We’re trying not to stay in one place for too long.

  Matt pulled a bag out of the backseat. “I packed some things for you,” he explained. “Unfortunately I couldn’t get your guitar to fit in there.”

  “Eh,” Ryder sighed. “I’ll be back for it. Just don’t try to sell her.”

  Matt grinned at him. “No promises.”

  Ryder did not smile back. He knew Matt was joking, but I could just tell there were some things that Ryder would never find funny. Like selling his most prized possession, for instance.

  “I’ll call when I can,” Ryder promised.

  “You will,” Nate ordered. “And you’ll come home when you can too.”

  “I will.” Ryder’s strong hand landed on my shoulder and he gave me a quick squeeze. “Let’s go, Red. We have to get back to fleeing.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Thank you, Nate. Thank you, Matt.”

  “Thank you, Ivy,” Nate said in return. I could hear the choked emotion in his cracking voice. “Thank you for giving this to my son.”

  I shook my head and struggled to swallow through the thick emotion. I hadn’t given anything to Ryder. I had taken everything from him instead. But I didn’t have time to explain that to Nate. Ryder took my hand and pulled me to my seat. The door opened and I climbed inside, feeling both better and worse at the same time.

  I felt terrible for taking Ryder away from a family that loved him so much, a family that was willing to do anything for him. But I also felt filled with a new kind of purpose.

  I wasn’t just running for my own safety now. I was running for Ryder’s too. And together we would figure out how to get out of this forever.

  This meant more now that Ryder was involved. This meant everything.

  I would not let Nate down. I would do whatever it took to keep Ryder safe and alive.

  And I knew… I just knew he was planning to do the same for me.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was sometime in the middle of the night when we reached Kansas City. The lights of the city were bright against the Missouri farmland we’d sped through over the last couple of hours.

  Civilization between Omaha and KC was almost nonexistent. We zoomed by rolling plains and endless stars, so many stars that I was reminded of the sky over my private beach on the island. Ryder and I talked more freely during this drive which was forward progress, but it also helped him stay awake.

  I told him about my life on the island, about how simple it had been and about how lonely I was. He told me about his senior year and everything I missed. Phoenix had tried dating someone after Exie left, but it hadn’t gone anywhere. Chase came back over Christmas break; he was dating someone and it turned out to be something kind of serious. Kenna and Hayden were still together and everyone was surprised about that.

  It wasn’t until we pulled into the long-term parking of the Kansas City International Airport that I realized Ryder had talked about everyone else, but not a whole bunch about his senior year. I felt caught up with everyone but him.


  I had my purse packed with a few essentials and Ryder had his backpack, so travel would be light. But we would need to buy more things eventually.

  We didn’t have much of a plan, except to get out. We had decided to fly back to the island I’d been staying on for the last year and then figure it out from there. I still needed to find out what happened to my mom and Exie and Sloane, but our major priority was getting away from Nix.

  Once we were safe on the island again, we would figure the rest out.

  The shuttle dropped us off right at the revolving front door. We stepped out with a few other middle-of-the-night-passengers and entered the super-cooled interior. I let out a shiver that racked my entire body and blinked at the unending counters of airlines and their ticket counters.

  I spun around dramatically and waved my hand like Vanna White. “Do you have an airline preference?”

  The corner of his mouth kicked up into a half-smile. “Let’s check the boards and get the closest flight, yeah?”

  “Just as long as it’s first class.” His smile disappeared and his expressive eyebrows shot to his forehead. “Just kidding,” I smiled.

  “Sure you are.”

  We wandered over to the board. Since this was a touch of déjà vu for me, I pointed at what I’d taken before. The airline happened to be flying out again in a couple of hours, and I knew it could, eventually, after many layovers and flight changes, get us to Tortola.

  “That’s the one,” I told him, pointing at the board. “We’ll be there by six pm tonight.”

  Ryder let out a long sigh. “Let’s go buy some tickets then.”

  “It’s a good thing I have a job waiting for me. Two tickets are seriously going to deplete my savings. Turns out running away to paradise is not cheap.”

  “I got it,” he mumbled.

  “You got what?”

  “The tickets. I can pay for them.”

  “You can what?”

  “Pay for them, Red. I have the money.”