by John Varley
“Sounds good. Uh, Rocky, how long are these batteries good for?”
Cirocco grimaced, and rubbed her forehead.
“Maybe a month of use. It could depend on how long we were … you know, how long we were inside. I don’t have any ideas on that. Do you?”
“No. Do you have any hair?”
“Not a strand.” She rubbed her hand over her scalp, and noticed that it did not feel quite as smooth. “But it’s growing back in.”
Cirocco walked downstream, holding the speaker and mike in place so they could talk to each other.
“I feel hungriest when I think about it,” Gaby said. “And I’m thinking about it right now. Have you seen any of these little berry bushes?”
Cirocco looked around but didn’t spot anything like that.
“The berries are yellow, and about as big as the end of your thumb. I’m holding one now. It’s soft and translucent.”
“Are you going to eat it?”
There was a pause. “I was going to ask you about that.”
“We’ll have to try something sooner or later. Maybe one won’t be enough to kill you.”
“Just make me sick,” Gaby laughed. “This one broke on my teeth. There’s a thick jelly inside, like honey with a minty taste. It’s dissolving in my mouth … and now it’s gone. The rind is not so sweet, but I’m going to eat it anyway. It might be the only part with any food value.”
If even that, Cirocco thought. There was no reason why any part of it should sustain them. She was pleased that Gaby had given her such a detailed description of her sensations while eating the berry, but she knew the purpose of it. Bomb de-fusing teams used the same technique. One stayed away while the other reported every action over the radio. If the bomb went off, the survivor learned something for the next time.
When they judged enough time had passed with no ill effect, Gaby began eating more of the berries. In time, Cirocco found some. They were almost as good as that first taste of water had been.
“Gaby, I’m about dead on my feet. I wonder how long we’ve been awake?”
There was a long pause, and she had to call again.
“Hm? Oh, hi. How did I get here?” She sounded slightly drunk.
Cirocco frowned. “Where’s here? Gaby what’s happening?”
“I sat down for a minute to rest my legs. I must have fallen asleep.”
“Try to wake up enough to find a good place for it.” Cirocco was already looking around. It was going to be a problem. Nothing looked good, and she knew it was the worst possible idea to lie down alone in strange country. The only thing worse would be trying to stay awake any longer.
She went a short distance into the trees, and marveled at how soft the grass felt under her bare feet. So much better than the rocks. It would be nice to sit down for a minute.
She awoke on the grass, sat up quickly and looked all around. Nothing was moving.
For a meter in every direction from where she had slept, the grass had turned brown, dried out like hay.
She stood and looked down at a large rock. She had approached it from the downstream side while looking for a place to sleep. Now she walked around it, and on the other side was a large letter “G.”
Chapter Five
Gaby insisted on turning back. Cirocco didn’t protest; it sounded good to her, though she could never have suggested it.
She walked downstream, often passing the marks Gaby had made. At one point she had to leave the sandy shore and go up onto the grass to avoid a large pile of boulders. When she reached the grass she saw a series of oval brown spots spaced like footprints. She knelt and touched them. They were dry and brittle just like the grass where she had slept.
“I’ve found part of your trail,” she told Gaby. “Your feet couldn’t have touched the grass more than a second, and yet something in your body killed it.”
“I saw the same thing when I woke up,” Gaby said. “What do you think of it?”
“I think we secrete something that’s poison to the grass. If that’s true, we might not smell very good to the kind of large animals that might normally take an interest in us.”
“That’s good news.”
“The bad part is that it might mean we have very different sorts of biochemicals. That’s not so good for eating.”
“You’re so much fun to talk to.”
“Is that you up ahead?”
Cirocco squinted into the pale yellow light. The river ran straight for a good distance, and just where it started to bend was a tiny figure.
“Yep. It’s me, if that’s you waving your arms.”
Gaby whooped, a painful sound in the tiny earphone. Cirocco heard the sound again a second later, much fainter. She grinned, and then felt the grin getting bigger and bigger. She hadn’t wanted to run, it was so like a bad movie, but she was running anyway and so was Gaby, taking absurdly long hops in the low gravity.
They hit so hard they were both breathless for a moment. Cirocco embraced the smaller woman and lifted her off her feet.
“D-d-d-damn, you look s-s-so good!” Gaby said. One of her eyelids was twitching, and her teeth chattered.
“Hey, hold on, take it easy,” Cirocco soothed, rubbing Gaby’s back with both hands. Gaby’s smile was so wide it hurt to look at it.
“I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to be hysterical. Isn’t that a laugh?” And she did laugh, but it was flat and hurt the ear, and before long turned into shudders and gasps. She held Cirocco strongly enough to break ribs. Cirocco didn’t fight it, but eased her down to the sandy river bank and held her close while huge, low-gravity tears dripped onto her shoulders.
Cirocco was not sure at what point the comforting hugs turned into something else. It was so gradual. Gaby was quite insensible for a long time, and it seemed the natural thing to hold and stroke her while she calmed down. Then it seemed natural that Gaby should stroke her, and that they should press close together. The first moment when it began to seem a little unusual was when she found herself kissing Gaby, and Gaby kissing back. She thought she might have stopped it then, but she didn’t want to because she could not tell if the tears she tasted belonged to her or Gaby.
And besides, it never really turned into lovemaking. They rubbed against each other and kissed mouth-to-mouth, and when the orgasm came it almost seemed irrelevant to what had gone before. At least that’s what she kept telling herself.
One of them had to say something when it was over, and it seemed best to stay away from what they had just done.
“Are you all right now?”
Gaby nodded. Her eyes were still bright, but she was smiling.
“Uh-huh. Probably not permanently, though. I woke up screaming. I’m really afraid to go to sleep.”
“It’s not my favorite thing, either. You know you’re about the funniest-looking critter I ever saw?”
“That’s because you don’t have a mirror.”
Gaby couldn’t stop talking for hours, and she didn’t like it when Cirocco let go of her. They moved to a less exposed position up in the trees, then sat with Cirocco’s back against a trunk and Gaby reclining against her.
She spoke of her trip down the river, but what she kept wanting to go back to, or what she couldn’t get away from, was her experience in the belly of the creature. It sounded to Cirocco like an extended dream that had little in common with what she herself had experienced, but that might have been just the inadequacy of words.
“I did wake up in the darkness a few times, like you did,” Gaby said. “When I did, I couldn’t feel or see or hear anything, and I didn’t really want to stay there very long.”
“I kept going back to my earlier life. It was extremely vivid. I could … feel it all.”
“Me, too,” Gaby said. “But it wasn’t a repeat. It was all new things.”
“Did you always know who you were? That was the worst part for me, remembering and then forgetting. I don’t know how many times that happened.”
“Ye
ah, I always knew who I was. But I got to be pretty tired of being me, if that makes any sense. The possibilities were so limited.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Gaby moved her hands indecisively, trying to pull something out of the air. She gave up and twisted in Cirocco’s arms to look intently into her eyes for a long moment. Then she rested her head between Cirocco’s breasts. Cirocco found it disturbing, but the warmth and companionship of their closeness was too good to give up. She looked down at Gaby’s bald head and had to fight an urge to kiss it.
“I was in there for twenty or thirty years,” Gaby said quietly. “And don’t try to tell me that’s impossible. I’ve got a pretty good idea that nothing like that amount of time passed in the rest of the universe. I’m not crazy.”
“I didn’t say you were.” Cirocco rubbed her shoulders when Gaby began to tremble, and it subsided.
“Well, I shouldn’t have said I’m not crazy, either. I never had to have somebody baby me so I wouldn’t cry before. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t mind,” Cirocco murmured, and she really did not. She found it surprisingly easy to whisper assurances in the other woman’s ear. “Gaby, there’s no way either of us could have come through that without some twitches. I cried for hours. I threw up. I may do it again, and if I can’t help myself, I’d like for you take care of me.”
“I will, don’t worry about that.” She seemed to relax a little more.
“Real time isn’t important,” Gaby said at last. “It’s internal time that matters. And by the clock, I was in there for many years. I went up to heaven on a goddam staircase of glass, and as sure as I’m sitting here I can see every step in my mind, and I can feel the clouds whipping by and hear my feet squeak on the glass. And it was Hollywood heaven, with red carpet for the last three or four kilometers, and golden gates like skyscrapers, and people with wings. And I didn’t believe in it, you understand, and yet I did. I knew I was dreaming, I knew it was ridiculous, and finally I wouldn’t have any more of it and it went away.”
She yawned, and laughed quietly.
“Why am I telling you all this?”
“Maybe to get rid of it. Does it make you feel better?”
“Some.”
She was quiet for a while after that and Cirocco thought she had gone to sleep, but it was not so. She stirred, and nuzzled deeper into Cirocco’s chest.
“I had time to take a good look at myself,” she said, slurring her words. “I didn’t like it. I got to wondering what I was doing with myself. It never bothered me before.”
“What’s wrong with the way you were?” Cirocco asked. “I kind of liked you.”
“You did? I don’t see how. Sure, I didn’t cause a lot of trouble to anybody, I could take care of myself. But what else? What good?”
“You were very good at your job. That’s all I really demanded of you. You’re the very best there is, or you wouldn’t have been picked for this mission.”
Gaby sighed. “Somehow, that doesn’t impress me. I mean, to get that good I sacrificied just about everything that makes a human being. Like I said, I did some real soul-searching.”
“What did you decide?”
“For one thing, I’m through with astronomy.”
“Gaby?”
“It’s the truth. And what the hell? We’ll never get out of here, and there’s no stars to look at. I’d have needed to find something else to do anyway. And it’s not that sudden. I had a long, long time to change my mind. You know, I don’t have one lover in the whole world? Not even one friend.”
“I’m your friend.”
“No. Not the way I’m talking about. People respected me for my work, men desired me for my body. But I never made any friends, even as a kid. Not the kind you can open your heart to.”
“It’s not that hard.”
“I hope not. Because I’m going to be a different person. I’m going to tell people about the real me. This is the first time I can do it, because it’s the first time I’ve really known myself. And I’m going to love. I’m going to care about people. And it looks like you’re it.” She raised her head and smiled at Cirocco.
“What do you mean?” Cirocco asked, frowning slightly.
“It’s a funny feeling, and I knew it as soon as I saw you.” She rested her head again. “I think I love you.”
Cirocco could not say anything for a time, then forced a laugh.
“Hey, honey, you’re still in that Hollywood heaven. There’s no such thing as love at first sight. It takes time. Gaby?”
She tried several times to talk to her, but she was either asleep or faking it very well. She let her head fall back wearily.
“Oh, my God.”
Chapter Six
The smart thing would have been to post watches. Cirocco wondered as she struggled to wakefulness why she had so seldom managed to do the smart thing since she got to Themis. They would have to adjust to the strange timelessness. They couldn’t go on walking until they dropped.
Gaby was sleeping with her thumb in her mouth. Cirocco tried to get up without disturbing her, but it wasn’t possible. She moaned, then opened her eyes.
“Are you as hungry as I am?” she yawned.
“That’s hard to say.”
“You think it’s the berries? Maybe they’re no good.”
“Impossible to tell so soon. But take a look over there. That might be breakfast.
Gaby looked where Cirocco pointed. There was an animal down by the stream, drinking. As they watched, it raised its head and looked at them from no more than twenty meters away. Cirocco tensed, ready for anything. It blinked, and lowered its head.
“A six-legged kangaroo,” Gaby said. “With no ears.”
It was a fair description. The animal was covered with short fur and had two large hind legs, though not as large as a kangaroo’s. The four front legs were smaller. The fur was light green and yellow. It was not taking any special care to protect itself.
“I’d like to get a look at its teeth. It might tell us something.”
“The smart thing is probably to get the hell out of here,” Gaby said. She sighed, and looked around on the ground. She got up before Cirocco could stop her, and was walking toward the creature.
“Gaby stop it,” Cirocco hissed, trying not to alert the animal. She saw now that Gaby had a rock in her hand.
The creature looked up again. It had a face that would have been hilarious in other circumstances. The head was round, with no visible ears or nose—just two big soft eyes. But the mouth looked as if the creature was chewing on a bass harmonica. It stretched twice as wide as the rest of the head, giving the animal a foolish grin.
It lifted all four front feet from the ground and bounded three meters in the air. Gaby jumped just about as high in surprise, and had time to twist wildly in the air before coming down on her buttocks. Cirocco reached her and tried to take the rock away.
“Come on, Gaby, we don’t need meat that badly.”
“Be quiet,” Gaby said through clenched teeth. “I’m doing this for you, too.” She wrenched her arm away and ran forward.
The thing had taken two leaps, but each had been good for eight or nine meters. Now it stood quietly, forelegs touching the ground, head lowered. It was eating the grass.
It looked up placidly as Gaby stopped two meters away. It seemed to have no fear of her, and resumed cropping as Cirocco came up behind Gaby.
“Do you think we should—”
“Hush!” Gaby hesitated only a moment longer, then stepped up to the beast. She raised her arm and brought the rock down hard on the top of its head, then jumped away.
The beast made a coughing noise, staggered, and fell on its side. It kicked once, and was still.
They watched it for a while, then Gaby walked over and prodded it with a toe. Nothing happened, so she went down on one knee beside it. It was no larger than a small deer. Cirocco squatted, elbows on her knees, trying not to feel disgusted by it. Gaby seemed sho
rt of breath.
“Do you think it’s dead?” she asked.
“Looks like it. Kind of anti-climatic, don’t you think?”
“It’s okay with me.”
Gaby wiped a hand across her forehead, then smacked the rock repeatedly into the creature’s head until red blood flowed. Cirocco winced. Gaby dropped the rock and wiped her hands on her thighs.
“That’s that. You know, if you could gather up some of that dry underbrush I think I might be able to make a fire.”
“How’re you going to do that?”
“Never mind. Just get the wood.”
Cirocco had half an armload of it before she stopped to wonder when Gaby started giving the orders.
“Well, the theory was good,” Gaby said gloomily.
Cirocco tore again at the stringy red meat that clung so tenaciously to the bone.
Gaby had sweated for an hour with a piece of her spacesuit and a rock she had hoped was flint but which proved not to be. They had a pile of dry wood, a fine moss-like substance, and splinters carefully shaved from tree branches with the sharp edge of Cirocco’s helmet. They had all the essential ingredients of fire except the spark.
In that hour Cirocco’s opinion of Gaby’s kill had undergone a revolution. By the time she had it skinned and Gaby had given up on the fire she knew she would eat it raw and be thankful for it.
“That thing didn’t have any predators,” Cirocco said, around a mouthful. The meat was better than she had expected, but could have used some salt.
“It sure didn’t act like it,” Gaby agreed. She squatted on the other side of the carcass and her eyes roamed the ground over Cirocco’s shoulder. Cirocco was doing the same thing.
“That could mean no predators big enough to bother us.”
Dinner was a drawn-out affair because of all the chewing necessary. They spent the time examining the carcass. The animal didn’t seem too remarkable to Cirocco’s untrained eyes. She wished Calvin was there to tell her if she was wrong. The meat, skin, bones and fur were of the usual colors and textures, and even smelled right. There were organs she couldn’t identify.
