by Amy Brent
“You’re willing to lose everything for her?” She was stunned, and I made my coffee with shaking hands.
“You and I both know I will be here longer than you are. In time, everyone will know that you’re looking out for yourself, Marilyn. I wouldn’t doubt if they already do.” I turned and looked into her pale face. “Leave me alone and don’t you even look at her. I can have you fired so fast that your head will spin.”
I walked past her to my office. The woman I loved was sitting at her desk and getting ready to work. She was beautiful, but I saw the sadness in her face as she stared at her monitor while it warmed up. She glanced over to see me approaching her, and her eyes widened as a frown crossed her face. “Are you okay? Jasmine said that you had to return home early.” I kept my tone even as a flurry of emotions crossed her face.
“Fine,” was her clipped answer. She avoided any eye contact with me, looking pained.
“Come into the office when you’re settled in. I have something I want you to go over with me.” I walked through my door once I’d spoken and played back her tortured face in my mind. There was a lot of pain there, and I didn’t know why, but I was going to get to the bottom of things when she walked in here.
Lily
I knew he wanted to see me, and as his assistant, I needed to go in there. I also knew it wasn’t business he wanted to discuss, and my heart sank at the idea of facing the pain that had haunted me since I’d looked into his cottage that night. I went to make coffee to kill some time, listening idly to talk about the trip and how much fun it had been. I wish that had been the case for me.
I’d come home with a broken heart. I’d come home to change my life and try to put the pieces back together. I walked back to my desk slowly, feeling the ache in my body as I thought about everything. When I got back to my desk, my phone was lit up, and I picked it up to see a text from Brian.
He was so innocent in all of this.
I shoved the phone into the drawer with my purse and locked it before I took a deep breath. I just needed to get this over with. I tapped at Landon’s cracked door before I heard him tell me to come inside. I straightened my black dress with my hands. “You needed to see me?” I asked as I gave him a hesitant look.
“Close the door,” Landon said, and I nodded and pushed it behind me until I heard the click of it shutting tightly. “Why did you leave?” He came around his desk and stepped toward me as I pushed myself against the door. I knew how private this office was, and I licked my lips as he cupped my face, staring into my eyes.
“Stop. Don’t touch me,” I choked out, tears filling my eyes.
“What?” He sounded shocked as I found the strength to push him away.
“I saw you with her. I saw her in your cottage holding you,” I said, and Landon’s eyes widened. “I was going to tell you that I loved you, that I wanted you. I didn’t know I was so replaceable.” His eyes looked haunted, and I pressed my hands against the door, still feeling his warmth.
“You’re not,” he protested, and I gave him a long, searching look. “I thought it was you when I got the door. I guess you didn’t come back before that?” Landon looked at me hopefully before I shook my head painfully. “I got sloppy drunk going over what happened, Lil. I answered the door and don’t remember anything until I woke up on my couch.”
“So you slept with her,” I said in a strained voice.
“It wasn’t me, whatever happened. I’ll never trust that bitch to tell me the truth, Lily. She is out for herself and nothing else, so she’ll make it benefit her. I can tell you that I never wanted her at all. It’s you. I want you.” Landon stared into my face, into my wide, frightened eyes, before he pressed his forehead against mine. “I just want to turn back time and change the part that changed us. I wanted to come home feeling you beside me.”
“I was going to tell you that before I saw her. It was hours after we were…together, and you were in another woman’s arms. I don’t care that you were drunk, Landon. You’re not twenty-one anymore, and you have more control of yourself than that.” I hated that he was an older, mature man and acted so much like Brian in that single way.
“I was fucking miserable after you walked away from me. If I didn’t drink, I would have been at your door breaking it down. You needed space, and I needed to escape,” Landon said. Tears slid down my cheeks. He kissed my lips softly, still lighting a fire inside me. “I never intended for anything to happen, if it even did. I only want you.”
I parted my lips as he kissed me again, wanting to push him away even as my arms circled his neck. It didn’t fix anything, but it felt so good as he pressed his body against mine until I felt him hard against me. I pulled away, looking down as he glanced between our bodies. “You were that way for her.”
“I don’t fucking know if I was. I don’t remember,” Landon said, and I closed my eyes. “You came home to him in your bed, Lily. How am I supposed to feel about that?”
I did come home to Brian, surprising him as he slept. I was exhausted and emotional, and I turned his kiss into something carnal, fucking him hard as he gripped my hips. I knew it would replace the feeling of Landon inside me, which had made me ill when I’d seen him with Marilyn. I needed to get all traces of Landon a shower couldn’t touch off my body, and Brian coming inside me was supposed to do that.
It only made me feel worse, and I lay awake after he went back to sleep, holding me in his arms.
“Do you think I felt good about that?” I asked as I slid away from him and walked to the window. “I hate myself for what I did to him. That isn’t who I am, or at least who I was. The last few days have been horrible, Landon.” Tears slipped down my cheeks uncontrollably as I felt him move behind me. “It changed everything.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. I took a deep, shuddering breath.
“I had to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror, inside my heart. I hurt people, both you and Brian.”
I didn’t want to pretend it had never happened at all, because I knew it would haunt me inside. I shrugged Landon’s hands off my shoulders before he pulled me against him and kissed my neck, and I cried when I felt my body heat up for him. I still wanted Landon, and I allowed his hands to slide up my body as I pressed against the window.
“I hate myself, Landon,” I said.
“Don’t,” he said. His hands cupped my breasts, my nipples hardening under the lace of my bra as I imagined his mouth on Marilyn. Did he do this with her as well? “We got carried away.” His mouth sucked the tender skin of my neck between his lips, and I felt an odd sense of relief that I wasn’t cheating on anyone right now.
I’d ended it with Brian yesterday after a long time of thinking. He’d wanted more from me than I could give, his eyes pleading with me to tell him why.
I felt bare fingers on my pert skin as Landon tugged on me, and I moaned, craving him inside me. I wanted him to fuck me the way I deserved. I needed punishment. I hadn’t told Brian what had happened to bring me to my decision. I hadn’t been willing to hurt him any more than I already had.
That being said, I still wasn’t free for Landon. I needed some space, even as he turned me toward him for a heated kiss. This would be sex and nothing more, because I was dead inside now. Landon carried me to the couch, sliding my dress off after he assured me that the door was locked. I allowed it, needing his lips and teeth on me. I asked for more, needing pain, as he stared into my face. I needed closure even though the idea made me sick somewhere deep inside.
He slipped his hand over my throbbing clit. Fuck. I jerked against him as I reached out to undo his pants and release him. Landon stroked me hard as I wrapped my hand around him, ready to come as he slipped a finger inside me and continued to stroke my pussy.
“Baby, it’s only you I want. Please believe me.” Landon continued to beg as I spread my legs wide and rocked against him before covering his hand in my release. “I love you, Lily.”
I gasped and moved on to my stomach, my ass in th
e air. “Fuck me,” I whispered, but then something crossed my mind. “Wear a condom.” I heard him let out a breath before he left to go to his desk. I heard a wrapper and then he was inside me.
“I’ll get tested. I’ll do anything,” Landon said as we rocked together, one of his hands on my hip while the other cupped my breast. “I just want you.”
My body clung to him, and my heart wanted to do the same. When I came again, I heard him moan my name before he jerked clumsily. There was no heat of his release meeting mine, no trace of him anymore. “Lily, oh fuck. I can’t live without you.”
Landon dropped against me as we both took deep breaths. “I needed that last time with you,” I told him as he stilled against my body. “I am giving you my resignation today, Landon. I received an offer from a firm across the city and accepted it.”
“Brown and Caldwell?” he asked, and I nodded. He leaned down to kiss my hair. “I knew they were going to be contacting you.”
“I accepted the job,” I told him, feeling tears in my eyes. “I am going to prove that I am a good worker and not just someone you want to move to benefit us. I am going to do this all on my own.” My heart was breaking as I felt him pull out of me to drop onto the couch beside me.
“What?”
“I ended things with Brian, but not to be with you. I wanted to stop putting him in a place where he’d keep getting hurt, as well as to stop hating myself,” I said. Landon sat quietly and listened. “I am going to stay in my apartment on my own and take the time to settle into my new job. If I told you I’d be with you, I know it would be a lie. I can’t get the image out of my head of you with her, not when I wanted you so badly at that moment. It is just there, and I need to move past it alone.”
“When do you start?” he asked, and I sighed.
“One week from today. They wanted me to start sooner, but out of respect for you, I compromised.” I heard him let out a breath as he reached over to take my hand. “I am not going to contact you after I am gone.”
“Do you love me?” Landon asked. I stared forward.
“Yes, more than anything, but it is wrapped in guilt and all of the wrong that I’ve done. I blame myself as much as I do you…we’re even here. I knew what I was doing when I went to Belize, but I didn’t think it would hurt so much to see you with someone else. I was so wrapped up in need, and I fucked up by staying with you. I got into something I couldn’t handle. I need to heal now and figure out who the hell I am.”
“You’re Lily. You’re a beautiful, compassionate woman who feels so hard and who made a mistake. Life isn’t pretty, as you know. It is difficult, and you learn things the hard way sometimes.” I looked at him to see his eyes intent on me as he tried to smile. “We’ve all been there. I hate myself for losing control and knowing that you saw me in my cottage like that. We both know we needed to be together, but it didn’t happen that way.” His eyes locked on mine. “I am going to miss you around here.”
I walked out to my desk a little while later with his blessing for the job, even though it didn’t make me feel any better. I still felt blank inside and not at all like myself, but I was going to make it through this.
I spoke to my aunt every night, pouring my heart out to her. Brian moved out right away, and I was alone, fighting the urge to call Landon every moment as I prepared for the beginning of my new life. We saw each other at work, but I was busy training my replacement and only spent any real time with Jasmine.
She knew everything as well. She didn’t judge me while I cried and let my feelings out at my now-empty apartment. Jasmine talked to me as all the emotions flooded me and helped me through the long nights.
The week I was still with Landon, every day passed by too quickly. Soon I was walking out of those doors forever. His new assistant was a perky blonde and she was smart, someone who would help him a lot. I didn’t think about any other possibilities as I met Jasmine for dinner and drinks, toasting my new job. It was a brilliant company, just as Landon had told me, and I knew it would be a great step for my future. I just wish it was happening under different circumstances.
I went to the new office every day, smiling and ready to learn. I did so much of that, using what Landon had taught me as well as what my new supervisor did. Murphy was a smart man who had been in law just over twenty years, and he had been a partner for most of that time. They handled finances for some of the wealthiest people in the world, protecting celebrities from fraud and theft. I knew it was an excellent opportunity, but still.
I went to see my aunt Amy the first weekend after I started. We stayed up late eating ice cream and watching movies once I met her boyfriend over dinner and drinks. He was caring and funny, everything that I had ever wanted for my aunt after she took over caring for me. She looked happy and so in love, making me feel bittersweet inside as I celebrated their happiness while I was so alone.
Landon
Life was empty without Lily. I felt worse than when I’d split up with Nadine, but I kept a smile on my face as I went to work every day and pretended everything was fine. The trip had been beautiful, and according to what I told everyone in the firm, I had enjoyed myself. I laughed at their stories of the beaches and the drinks. They had done what normal people did when they were at a beach or a bar; they didn’t fall in love with their assistant as they fucked her behind closed doors and behind foliage.
When I was alone at night after being at a bar with friends, I’d think about what could have been done differently. Did I push her too much? I remembered going to Belize, the story of how she didn’t have a place to sleep, how she knew I would offer. That hadn’t been my doing. That was all Lily, making me realize she had to have known we would end up together. Didn’t she know that I loved her then? Didn’t she know that it would be so much more than a night or a week?
Maybe neither of us knew when we jumped in. Maybe we were both stupid. I looked out over the city from my desk, telling myself everything was peaceful now. The firm was doing well, and my assistant was helpful and keen. There was no attraction whatsoever to Kristen, and we worked together on only an intellectual level, making me miss the moments with Lily when we slipped into lust. I would never see my couch the same again, or my desk, and I considered replacing both for the millionth time. I knew it would never make me forget her, but her name faded from the minds of colleagues. I saw the satisfaction on Marilyn’s face when she met my gaze, confident she was the reason Lily had left.
She was so wrong. Nobody ever asked me about Lily, and I offered nothing. I just became a robot. I worked all hours of the day and went home to sleep after drinking with friends at the bar. There were a couple of one-night stands to try to satisfy my needs, but it was useless.
I still loved Lily, and I wondered how much time she would need to see that.
I jumped at the chance to have lunch with Murphy one afternoon to catch up. We didn’t see each other too much, being busy with our firms, but I wanted to see how Lily was progressing. I half hoped she’d come along, but it was just the two of us at the café. I sat down and ordered a glass of water from the waitress who popped by before I grinned at Murphy.
He was about ten years older than me and a legend in the world of law. I looked at him as a mentor of sorts. We took the time to order some entrees before talking shop. That was easy to do when two lawyers got together, and we compared cases and clients throughout the meal before the conversation faded, giving me my chance to speak up. “How is Lily doing over there?”
“She’s fantastic. She keeps me completely organized and everything runs smoothly. Why did you let her go?” Murphy asked, and I felt my face fall. I looked across the street as if something interested me. “Oh . . . that’s why.”
“That’s why what?” I asked as casually as I could muster while he gave me an understanding look.
“While she is a brilliant girl, I sense that she is missing something in her life, or perhaps someone. Did you initialize the process because of something between the two o
f you?” Murphy asked. I looked at him and nodded slowly. “That was a good plan, but something obviously happened. I don’t think the girl does anything but work and go home, apart from dinner with a friend of hers from your building that she talks about.”
“That would be Jasmine.” I filled in the blank and he nodded.
“That’s the girl. Lily speaks highly of her,” Murphy said. “She never mentions dating anyone and looks sad sometimes when she thinks nobody is looking. I see it a lot.” Murphy looked curiously at me. “What happened?”
“I don’t even know. There is so much between us, but I wonder if it’s too much sometimes. It kind of imploded on us, and Lily surprised me when she took the job and left. She didn’t do it for the original reasons at all.”
“Should I apologize for taking her?”
I thought of Marilyn and shook my head.
“No. She’s in a great place now. It will work out the way it’s meant to,” I said, adding a positive note to the end of my sentence as he chuckled.
“Is it the age difference? You do know there are twenty years between Nancy and I, right? It has never caused an issue at all.”
I took a bite of my steak and chewed it slowly.
“You never worked together. That adds an ugly element to things.” I sipped my water, and he seemed to consider my words.
“You don’t know.” Murphy looked at me. “Lily is a lovely girl, and I suspect you were good together. Why don’t you reach out to her?”
I promised her space, but it had been a couple of months. Lily didn’t seem to be moving on with anyone, so maybe I would. We finished our meal and headed back to our respective offices as I mulled the idea over. I just wanted to talk to her again.
I ended up meeting friends at a bar after work, and I was surprised when I looked up to see Lily walking in with Jasmine and a guy. I gave the guy a hard look until I saw that he was holding Jasmine’s hand. Lily moved to a stool beside them as I watched her carefully from the table I was at, taking in every detail.
