by Izzy Bayliss
“You’re lucky to have memories of her. I would give anything to remember her. I only have the photos Dad gave me.”
She smiled wistfully at me.
“It’s not fair – life isn’t fair. I spent so many years being angry as a teenager about it all, but I was only wasting my energy – it wouldn’t bring her back. She was only twenty-seven, too young to be taken away and to leave two young girls without their mother. That’s why I’m so full on with the boys – I just want to give them everything that I didn’t have as a child. I’m so scared that something might happen to me and I won’t be around to see them grow up. I know I probably go overboard, but no matter what happens at least they’ll grow up knowing that they’re loved. I feel that I have to hold it all together, because if I don’t, we all go to pieces and I don’t want to lose any more of my family.”
It felt as though everything in my life now made sense. I finally understood Clara and why she was like she was. She had been through so much, and I had never appreciated that before. I always just saw her as my bossy older sister, but there was a reason she was like that.
“I’m sorry, Clara.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“For everything – for all you went through after Mam died, for caring about me still even though God knows I manage to royally fuck things up at times!”
“Lily, I’m sorry too – I know I can say hurtful things to you sometimes but if I’m completely honest I’m probably a little bit jealous . . .”
“You? Jealous of me?” I asked in disbelief.
“Uh-huh." She nodded. “Sometimes you seem so carefree and you’re so easy-going about life, well sometimes I wish I could be more like you actually –”
“I don’t think you would like to be like me, Clara,” I laughed.
She laughed too. “How are you and – Sam, isn’t it – how are you getting along?”
“We broke up actually.”
“You did?” Her face dropped. “But why?”
“Well I was thinking of everything you said, and you were right. It was too soon after Marc. I mean what was I thinking launching straight back into another relationship after only a few months?”
“But I didn’t mean what I said – I was just angry, I didn’t mean for you to break up with him!”
“You didn’t?”
“Of course not, when I saw you walking out of Playfactory that day I couldn’t help noticing how for the first time in so long you looked genuinely happy.”
This just made me feel worse. What had I done?
“I was happy. I really like him. I’ve been miserable ever since.”
“Well go after him then.”
“What?”
“Tell him that, tell him that you’re miserable without him, and hopefully he’ll be willing to try again.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Well I could tell by the way he looked at you that he felt every bit as strongly as you felt about him.”
“I hope you’re right.”
We stayed chatting easily to each other. For the first time in our lives we were talking properly like sisters rather than the mother/daughter type relationship we normally had. She asked me with enthusiasm how Baked with Love was going, and when I told her how I was limited by the size of my oven she suggested she would talk to Tom that night to see if he might have something suitable for me to set up a proper bakery. Unbeknownst to me, he had a huge property portfolio, and Clara reckoned he would be willing to give me a good deal on a small unit to help me get off the ground.
Tatiana came back with the boys soon after.
“Auntie, Lily,” Jacob cried when he saw me.
“Auntie, Ni-ni,” Joshua said following his older brother over.
“Jacob, Joshua! Come over here and give me a hug!”
They ran over and I wrapped them into my arms. Suddenly I understood Clara. I knew why she was like she was, and why she was a contender for extreme parenting. Most of all though, I knew she was only looking out for me. I was lucky she was my sister.
Chapter 32
After my heart to heart with Clara, there was still one more thing to be resolved. I hopped into Clara's SUV and we headed for the city centre. What should only have been a ten-minute journey took over half an hour with all the last minute Christmas Eve traffic. The roads were bumper-to-bumper with people heading home to start on their festive preparations. As we sat through another change of red lights, I felt myself grow ever tenser and I found myself getting more impatient. I knew it was only because I was nervous. Finally we turned onto the quays and soon we reached Sam’s apartment block. Clara pulled up outside and before I jumped down from the dizzying heights of her Range Rover, I leaned across to the driver's seat, to give her a hug. She wished me luck, and made me promise to ring her to let her know how I got on. I got out and headed over to the door. I waved goodbye to Clara, and then pressed the buzzer to Sam’s apartment. My heart was almost rattling against my ribcage.
“Hello?” he answered huskily. God it was so good to hear his voice again.
“Sam – it’s me, Lily.”
“Lily – I -” he sounded distracted. It hadn't been the reaction I had been hoping for.
“I'm sorry, Sam,” I continued.
“Who’s that, Sam?” I heard a woman’s voice ask in the background.
I froze on the spot. Who was she?
“Is that Marita?” I asked hopefully.
“Em sorry, Lily – I . . . er . . . can I call you later? This isn't a good time for me.”
“Right, yeah . . . of course,” I said trying my best not to sound completely devastated.
Tears sprung into my eyes, and my heart felt as though it had thudded to the floor. Once again, I had been a fool. This was the price you paid for opening your heart to someone. All I knew was that I needed to get away from there quickly. Thankfully Frankie’s apartment was so close. As I hurried along, I had to wrap my scarf double around my neck and bend my head from the piercing wind being channelled up the river as I walked over the graceful arc of the Samuel Beckett Bridge. I steered left and right to avoid the crowds of last minute Christmas shoppers laden with bags. The Christmas lights from the surrounding office blocks twinkled off the surface of the water. I couldn’t believe he had moved on so soon – I thought we had had something special, but maybe I was just one woman in a long line of conquests for him. Bloody men, they were all the same. Why on earth had I thought that Sam would be any different? Well I wasn’t going to waste anymore tears on him – I remembered what Dad had said, no man is worth your tears. Soon I was outside Frankie's block. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and pressed the buzzer.
I waited a minute but there was no answer. I tried it again but she wasn’t home. I took out my phone and dialled her number. It rang for ages before she eventually answered. It was hard to hear her over the noisy din in the background and I could just about make out that she was in a pub. She sounded well on. She told me to come and join them, but there was no way I could face that so I said goodbye and hung up the phone. I had been doing pretty well at holding back the tears up to that point, but then they just came and I stood there sobbing on the street. I decided to walk back down the quays and get the bus home to Ballyrobin.
I was lucky to get on the last bus back to the sticks; they were all finishing earlier, because it was Christmas Eve. As I made my way down the back of the bus, I saw that all the seats already had one person in them, so I sat in beside a girl the same age as myself but if I thought there’d be some Christmassy goodwill in everyone’s hearts I was wrong. She threw me a filthy look for choosing the seat beside her because it meant she had to put her handbag on the floor. This was the trigger that made me cry even more. What was it about me crying on buses? I supposed it had been an emotional day.
When the bus finally pulled into Ballyrobin, I walked home in the biting cold. It felt strange being out at that time on Christmas Eve, usually I would be tucked up warml
y at home, watching a movie and finishing the last of my wrapping.
My phone rang just as I was putting my key in the door – it was Sam. I knew I shouldn’t answer it – he didn’t deserve another minute of my time, but of course being the sucker that I am, I answered it.
“Hi there. Look sorry about earlier –” he said quickly.
“No worries,” I said coolly. I didn’t want him to know how upset I was.
“How’ve you been doing?” he asked.
“Grand.”
“I’ve missed you.”
I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Well it didn’t take you long to move on!”
“What do you mean?”
“The woman in your apartment earlier?”
“Oh you mean Gina?”
“Yes Gina!” I said as if I had known her all my life.
“Gina is my friend Derek’s wife.”
“Oh my God how could you!” I was horrified.
“Eh . . . I’m going to be the best man at their wedding in a few days time, and she just wanted to run through some stuff with me for the day.”
Fooooooook. Fuckedy, fuck and double fuck. Why did I always have to make a complete and utter holy show of myself?
“Oh – I see, right well em’ I’ll go now then . . .”
“Lily?” He was laughing. “Why do you always put two and two together and come up with two hundred and twenty-two?”
“Sorry, Sam.” I was happy, so, so happy. He wasn’t a complete dickhead after all.
“Don’t mention it.”
“So how come you were in my neck of the woods earlier then?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh, what about?”
“Well I’ve been doing some thinking – can I meet you?”
“I’m sorry, Lily – I’m just on my way to Marita’s – it’s a family tradition, there's no way I can skip it.”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Well she rang me earlier and invited me over – it was a bit awkward actually.”
“Look why don’t I call over tomorrow morning – I have something for you anyway. I picked it up before –” he broke off.
“Thank you, I'd like that.”
***
Later that night I managed to finish up my cakes and wrapping my gifts and had just climbed into bed when my bell went. My heart started racing as it always did whenever anyone called so late at night. I wrapped my dressing gown around me and made my way to the door. I looked through the spyhole to see a distorted Sam standing there. I pulled back the door.
“Sam?”
“Sorry, Lily – sorry it’s so late. I know it’s only me and Santa up at this hour but I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to see you.”
He was barely in the door when I threw myself on him and started kissing him deeply.
“I’m sorry for everything – I’ve been miserable without you,” I said as breathed his scent in.
Soon we were grabbing each other, stripping one another naked and making the most passionate love I have ever made in my life.
We lay there breathless and panting afterwards.
“That was amazing,” I said.
“I need to ask you, Lily, why did you get cold feet? I thought it was all going so well, and then the next thing I knew you were telling me it was all over!” Sam asked, as we lay there naked together afterwards.
“I’m sorry – I’m all over the place at the moment. But I’d a lot of things to sort out in my head and well . . . there is something that I need to tell you before we go any further . . .” I took a deep breath.
Then as if on cue there was a loud bang against the wall.
“What was that?” Sam nearly jumped off the bed.
“Here we go again,” I groaned.
“What is it?”
“It’s next door having sex.” It wasn't just any old sex; no it was full on, bed banging sex.
“Jesus do they do that often?”
I was slightly embarrassed.
“Mmmh, a few times a week,” I lied. It was more like a few times a night. It had been the same when Marc had lived there, except I think he used to get off on it.
I knew we had just done the same, but there was no way we were that loud.
“Have you ever tried talking to them about it, y’know asking them to keep it down?”
“No way.”
“Well they should invest in a solid headboard – it’s the least they could do.”
We sat there waiting for them to finish for an age until finally they both gave it a rest.
“I feel slightly inadequate after that,” Sam said and we both laughed.
“So what was it that you wanted to tell me?” he asked seriously.
But the moment was gone then and I couldn’t say it. “Just that I’m so happy that you didn’t give up on me,” I said instead.
He hugged me tight in his arms and we spooned each other. I lay awake as he snored softly behind me. I felt awful – I had wanted to start afresh with no secrets, but now I had wasted another opportunity. The longer this went on the worse it was going to be. And I was so afraid that when I finally did tell him that I was going to lose him.
Chapter 33
Sam dropped me off at Clara’s house on Christmas morning. I had tried to tell him about Marc as we drove along through the countryside, but he was chatting away excitedly about his friend’s wedding, and then when he asked me to go with him as his plus one, I didn’t have the heart to do it. I didn't want to spoil the moment, especially on Christmas Day, but I knew that I needed do it soon. Time wasn't on my side, I wanted to be able to introduce him to my family but to do that, I knew I needed to tell him about Marc first.
We pulled up outside Clara's house.
“The place looks like bloody Narnia!” he said open-mouthed.
“That's Clara for you!” I said laughing.
We kissed deeply in the car neither one of us wanting to be apart from each other. I would see him that evening anyway, he had invited me over to his parents' house, but the thoughts of spending a whole day apart from him seemed like an eternity.
I opened the door and went to climb out of the car, but Sam pulled me back and planted a kiss firmly on my lips before letting me go.
I took my presents out of Sam's boot before making my way towards Clara's front door.
“Lily!" Clara greeted me warmly.
The boys ran up and hugged my legs, their eyes fixed firmly on the presents in my arms.
“Happy Christmas, my darling,” Dad said giving me a kiss on the cheek. “You look radiant this morning.”
“Do I?” I asked surprised.
“You do, you're glowing,” Clara chimed.
I blushed thinking back to the night before with Sam.
We followed Clara into the kitchen where Tom had just popped the cork on a bottle of champagne and was busy handing out glasses. Clara was like another woman. Normally she would be stressing about the turkey timings or barking orders at Dad and myself to chop vegetables, but today she was completely chilled. Even Tatiana had gone all festive on us – she came down for dinner wearing a red and green striped bandage dress, if she wasn’t such a ball of sexiness, she would have looked like a Christmas tree decoration. The dinner was a relaxed affair, and Dad and I were relieved to see that Clara seemed to have taken a departure from her usual formalities. Normally she was uptight about every little thing from using the right knife, to the boys' table manners, but when Joshua picked up his turkey and ate it using his fingers, she didn’t seem to care. She even let Dad drink Heineken – he wasn’t a big wine drinker and normally Clara wouldn’t buy beer, but she had bought him a few bottles especially for the occasion. Even Tom joined in and used the bottle opener to pop the lid back on one.
After dinner was finished, we all sat around wearing our party hats, and Clara didn’t complain when Tom opened the top button on his trousers, or when the streamers from the party poppers were left t
railed around the floor. It was the best Christmas Day I’d ever had and we were all well on when Sam came back later on to pick me up.
“What are you doing for New Year’s?” Sam asked as we drove across the deserted city streets to his parents' house.
“I haven’t really thought about it to be honest.” This wasn’t true at all. The truth was I had thought of nothing else for the last few weeks. “I hate New Year’s anyway,” I lied.
Unlike most people, I used to love New Year's Eve, that’s why Marc and I had chosen it as our date to get married, but as this New Years' Eve was to have been my first wedding anniversary, I had a huge sense of dread. It wasn’t because I was still sad about Marc, but I was sad that our marriage was over. All the hopes and dreams and excitement that I had had this time last year were gone, and it was scary to think how radically your life could change in the space of a year. Plus I had been doing so well over the last few months since Sam had come into my life, and I was worried that the looming date would set me back again.
“Well I was wondering if you want to come down to Marita’s cottage with me, in County Clare?” Sam was chatting away. “She said it’s free and we’re welcome to have it for a few nights - if you’ll come?”
“What a great idea. I’d love to, Sam.”
I knew that a change of scenery would do me the world of good. I didn't want to spend it moping around my duplex on my own. I could think of nothing nicer than ringing in the year in Sam’s arms, just the two of us on our own.
Soon Sam was pulling up outside a small three-bedroomed semi-detached house in a quiet estate.
“Are you ready?” he turned to me with a grin.
“You make it sound like I'm going into a den of lions.”
“Nah, not lions . . . more like wolves.”
I slapped his arm playfully, and we got out of the car.
