I make a quick stop at Burger King to pick up a few burgers and fries, which Kate barely touches once we arrive at my unit.
I’d adjusted the heat pump while she took a shower. She is wearing one of my oversized shirts, sitting quietly on my couch, legs pulled up under her, biting on a fingernail. Seeing her in my clothing makes me feel possessive. Like the woman beneath the clothing is somehow mine.
She gets up suddenly. “If you don’t mind, I think I’d just like to lie down for a little while.”
“Sure, sweetheart. Take my bed, make yourself comfortable. I’ll be out here watchin’ some TV if you need anythin’.”
“Thanks, Dominic,” she replies in a thin raspy voice, as she walks away in the direction of my bedroom.
Right then, looking into her lifeless green eyes, I make it my sole mission to help this woman to heal and to move on. To make her smile again. Whatever it takes, however long it will take to accomplish.
Sighing, I turn on the TV and flip onto the National Geographic channel, but my thoughts return to the heartbroken woman in my bed, my mind taunting me with a visual of her lying there wearing nothing other than my shirt. Trying not to picture her naked in my shower five minutes ago had been hard enough.
She’d come into my line of sight the minute I walked into Jimmy’s earlier tonight. I stood transfixed by her beauty, her body, as it swayed in a sensual rhythm, clad in an outfit that had captured the attention of every man in the club. My fists involuntarily balled at my sides as some asshole who’d been eye fuckin’ her for the past few minutes, approached her, whispering something into her ear. I was already crossing the floor, towards her when she dismissed him, placing her empty glass in his hand before strutting away. I continued tracking her from the dance floor to the bar. That’s when I saw red. Post-military rage and anger is a monster I’d managed to tame, but it still rears its head to feed from time to time. And it smelled blood right then.
Some douche had his slimy paws on her already and this guy was about to lose either a few teeth, or the use of his hand…
A text message brings me back to the present. I’m still riled just thinking about that dickhead when I pick up my phone.
CHASE: Where did you and Kate go bro? Please tell me she’s with you still?
DOM: Yeah, she’s with me. Long story. She’s not in a good place emotionally, but ok 4 now. Please let Sarah know she won’t be home tonight. Will talk 2moro.
CHASE: K. U be careful with her. Fragile goods.
DOM: Know that. She’s in good hands.
CHASE: Ur hands r what worry me Dell.
DOM: Jesus, give me a break will ya. Talk in morn.
I wonder what kind of woman Kate was before this crushing loss. From what Chase has said, she’s just a shell of her former, pre-quake self. I give up on the TV show I was distractedly watching as it’s simply not happening tonight. A beautiful blonde with mournful eyes, and a crushed spirit is all that’s occupying my mind. Chucking my phone down onto the couch, I get up and quietly enter the semi-dark of my bedroom.
I have to take a deep breath. Having this fragile, yet exquisite woman lying in my bed two feet away is pure torture. She’s facing me, legs tucked up towards her chest; eyes closed. The moonlight streaming through the window is casting a muted light over her delicate features. Her blonde hair is fanned across my pillow in soft waves. Forcing myself to focus on her face, I dare not let my eyes roam south. Her sweet musky scent hits my nostrils, and I have to clench my fists, talking myself down from the really stupid impulse I have to reach down and run my hand through those golden locks. Despite the outdoor temperature, this woman has set my body on slow burn. I feel drawn to her. From that first moment our eyes met, I felt it. An inexplicable pull.
I drag my eyes away, padding softly to the other side of the bed, kicking off my boots before gently setting myself down next to her. She stirs and I hear her release a shuddering sigh.
Her strained, raspy voice cuts into the quiet. Its desolate tone pummels my gut. Shit. I thought she was asleep. “Sometimes when I’m at home alone and it’s really, really quiet like this, I think I can hear his voice, his laughter.”
God, I’m lost here. This is unchartered territory for me. What do I say to that?
I just reach over and take her hand in mine, squeezing gently.
She gives my hand a slight squeeze in return, but remains silent. A few seconds tick by. I just lie there, looking at her in the semi dark. She evidently needs to talk, but I won’t push. Eventually she speaks again. “Thank you for tonight, Dom.” There’s a pained tone to her voice, but warmth floods me at being referred to as Dom. The abbreviation a token indicator of trust, friendship possibly?
“Anytime, darlin’.”
More silence, then, “Dom?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry about messing up your night with my drama.”
“What’s a night out without a little drama, right? And you sure didn’t mess up my night. The opposite in fact.”
Her breath catches. She seems to want to say something, but hesitates.
“I miss having his arms around me at night...my bed is so big and empty without him. All that love, that p-passion, it’s so hard to believe that it only exists now in my m-my mind.” She sniffles, her voice catches. So close to breaking.
“Dom, uh...could you just hold me for a bit?” I tense. Oh shit.
“Not like that, I um…feel comfortable with you, uh, as a friend. I just miss it...being held, especially the nights,” she says, sniffling quietly. A knife through the gut. I swallow down the tightness in my throat. F-u-c-k. She’s killing me.
“Sure, sweetheart,” I say softly, pulling her against me, she shifts so that her back is up against my chest.
Daniel was evidently a cuddler. Who could blame him?
I wrap my arm around her narrow waist, pulling her closer to me, her tiny body fitting against my larger one perfectly. I try drawing on the self-control that I don’t usually possess around a woman as utterly gorgeous as the one lying pressed up against me in this bed. S-h-i-t. This is going to be a long night, and I’ll be ready to knock in nails with something other than my hammer come morning.
The minute she has the support of my arms around her, the dam walls burst. She starts crying softly, her whimpers becoming hard sobs as I embrace her a little tighter, threading my fingers through hers. I remain silent, closing my eyes, letting her emotional release wash over me, absorbing it while holding her securely, hoping my body warmth will provide some sort of comfort to her.
I feel an ache deep in my chest. I can’t bear to see a woman crying at the best of times, but there’s something about Kate. I cant explain it, but sure as shit can feel it. Each wracking sob hits me like a punch to the gut, and my eyes burn with the intensity of my own raw emotions that seem to be in tune to hers.
Yeah, I know loss…we go back a long way, down a very bloodied military road.
I release her hand and slowly stroke her arm. She releases a tremulous sigh; her crying eventually becoming soft sniffles. She halts the stroking of my hand after a while, taking mine in hers and absently rubbing her thumb over the small scars across my knuckles.
“You need to lay off on the drinkin’, babe. It’s not a long-term solution,” I say into her hair.
She’s silent for a beat.
“It helps me cope, Dom. Blocks out the pain for a while.”
I give her a gentle squeeze.
“Get that, sweetheart, but what do you really achieve? Come the mornin’, you still got that hurt to deal with. It’s a copin’ mechanism you could do without. Trust me. You’re not dealin’ with the loss in a healthy way. I think you’ve drowned at least two stages of grief in alcohol, Kate. It’s delayin’ your healin’ and when it does finally catch up with you, you’ll be far worse off than you are now. This isn’t livin’, sweetheart.”
“I’m breathing aren’t I?” she counters sharply.
I pull in a breath. “You’r
e not livin’ your life, darlin’, by just mechanically going through the daily motions. I think you gave up on yourself months ago. You feel guilty for living, don’t ya?”
She doesn’t respond to my question right away, just releases a shaky sigh and wraps a section of blanket under her. When she does speak, her words reach deep into my heart and twist. Forcefully.
“I don’t know how to go on living my life without Dan in it. And I don’t know that I want to.”
My arms instinctively pull her closer to me.
“Sweetheart, you’re crushed and grievin’ now, but this doesn’t mean you won’t be capable of livin’ life without him. You’ll feel stronger in time. You’re like the little hummingbird with a broken wing that hasn’t healed perfectly. It may never be able to fly again, but it never loses its will to live. Survival instinct kicks in, and it tries, sweetheart, and keeps on tryin’. Less than an ounce of courage bundled in feathers. Dig deep, darlin’, and you’ll find that kinda strength to get back up on your feet again.”
I hear and feel an involuntary sob catch her throat.
Shit, I’ve made her cry.
“Sweetheart, I didn’t mean to upset you.” She slips her hand around my arm that’s braced across her chest and squeezes.
“N-no. Don’t be. That was a beautiful analogy, Dom. I needed to hear it.”
War has been both an equally hardening and humbling experience for me. No room for pride or machismo. Men do cry and they can break emotionally. It’s harrowing. My experiences will haunt me for the rest of my life. I was a wreck at one time, too. I came through battle scarred, but I made it through. So can Kate.
I just wish to God she’d see this.
This is killing me. Everything about her calls to me. Why, I don’t friggin’ know. Geez. I’m messed up enough myself. Do I really need this shit in my life too? I don’t. But lying here, I know I’d do anything this woman asked of me.
Twisting slightly, she rolls over and faces me. The movement causes my hand to brush against her breasts. My mouth goes dry and all blood flows south. I’m now harder than granite, and on fire for her, and have to quickly start thinking of old ladies having bed baths.
“Five years, Dominic, five years spent loving just one man.” Or listen to her talk about Daniel.
She goes on, oblivious to the effect she’s having on me. Her voice is scratchy, raw.
“All that love, the life we built together, our future plans, all buried beneath that building. We’d only been living together for a year. Torn apart just as our lives together had begun.”
She releases a pent-up breath.
“This is all on me, Dom. If only, if I hadn’t pleaded with him to go into town on—”
I stop her right there. “No darlin’, you’re not goin’ to lie here and pile anymore blame onto yourself than you already have.” She looks across at me, pressing her face deeper into the pillow, biting down on her bottom lip. Her eyes are dewy.
Shit, she’s gonna to cry again. My chest tightens.
“So many what ifs and should haves, Dom. What if I had suggested spending the day at the beach instead? He’d still be alive. These are the things that haunt me every day.”
“Kate, don’t continue down the ‘what if’ road, it will drive you insane.”
“I think I’m halfway there already,” she remarks in a humourless tone.
“Feels like I’m stuck in second gear most of the time. I’m either angry or exhausted.”
“You’d not be far wrong. I’m told the second stage of grief is anger. My guess is you’ve stalled right there.”
“H-how do you know so much about this?” she asks in a small, broken voice.
Nah, not going there.
“Sweetheart, lets just say that I’ve lived life. And my experiences have taught me that it’s not always kind.” I reach over and take her hand in mine. She steels herself visibly, her troubled green eyes looking past me into the darkened room.
“That was it for me, Dominic. I could never open myself up like that again. Even if, one day, I could bring myself to enter another relationship, it would just be a bitter reminder of what I lost with Danny,” she says with a hard edge to her voice, her eyes staring unfocused into the dark.
I tighten my grip on her hand, forcing her to look at me. “Don’t say that, sweetheart, you’re only twenty-three. You’ve only just found your wings. You can’t stay in limbo afraid to take a chance at life, at love again.”
“Well, it’s true. I could never give my heart to another man when it will always belong to Daniel.”
That comment bothers me. I don’t want to upset her further, but some things need to be said.
“What do you think Daniel would want for you, Kate? Do you think he’d be happy knowin’ you’re writing off the chance to be happy again, pinin’ for him?”
I see her hand move up to swipe at her face while she takes a shuddering breath.
“I just know that if I left this world, and had a woman I loved more than life itself, I’d want her to find happiness again. I get that it’s too early, that you’re too raw still to be givin’ this any kind of serious consideration, but one day, when you’re in a better place, you may not feel this way about bein’ in a relationship again. Movin’ forward is a start, darlin’, and the only way you can do this is by lettin’ go of your guilt.”
“I can’t give thought to any of that now. I’m so tired, Dom. It’s a daily struggle to just get out of bed and face the day.” She yawns into the dark, her voice sounding beyond exhausted.
“Just close your eyes, Kate, get some sleep, I’m right here if you need me, darlin’. And by the way, I’ve let Chase know you’re here with me, and asked him to relay the message to Sarah.”
“Thank you, Dom.” A few minutes later, she succumbs to sleep, the soft waves of her hair covering my pillow, her chest rising and falling in a gentle rhythm.
She steals my breath.
A crushing ache squeezes my lungs as I watch her breathing, deep in the safe cocoon of slumber, free for a few hours, at least, from the death grip her grief and guilt has on her every waking hour, warping her view of life, and her right to go on living it.
She stirs slightly as if sensing my scrutiny, then rolls over with her back to me, the blanket sliding off her hips. My eyes travel the length of her body. My shirt is huge on her, fitting her like an oversized nightgown. It has hitched up around her ass, revealing creamy thighs and legs a man could only dream of being lost between. I take in all that is soft and feminine about this beautiful woman, dressed in my clothing, and it’s a colossal effort to pull my eyes away. I carefully pull the errant blanket back up around her, and flip onto my back. Yeah, like sleep will come anytime soon, with the raging hard-on tenting my pants. I’ll be counting nuns tonight, not sheep.
I must have finally drifted off, but am woken in the early hours of the morning by a small, strangled noise coming from Kate. She has moved across to the other side of the bed sometime during the night. I lie there in the dark, listening quietly.
The noise grows louder as she starts thrashing around. The sounds coming from her are anguished, heart wrenching. The blood in my veins runs cold as she releases a scream so guttural, my instincts kick in, and I’m across the bed in a nano second, pulling her to me. I wrap my arms around her as she continues to whimper, running my hand down her back gently, quietly whispering soothing words into her hair as she clings to me. She slowly relaxes against my body, then brings her arms up around my neck.
I pull back slightly to look down at her. She’s murmuring incoherently, caught in the grips of a troubled sleep, yet her eyes are still closed tightly. When she feels my touch she responds by bringing her body flush with mine, and burying her face into my neck. Then she utters words that cause me to freeze.
“Make love to me, Danny.”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
What do I do now? Wake her up? Let her continue to sensuously slide her body across mine and provide her with the
physical release she so clearly needs? Given how she’s aligned her body to mine, I know she wouldn’t stop me, and God, I’m a hot-blooded, horny-as-fuck man in a pretty dry spell. Carnal desire at its most tempting. I just wanna rip my shirt from her luscious body. Her soft skin would be like silk beneath my roughened fingertips, as I slowly trace them over her body...then my mouth over her gorgeous tits. I’d gently suck them until I had her moaning beautifully beneath me, her body screaming for release as I edge myself towards her sweet centre. Covering every inch of her body with mine…
What the fuck, man! She’s not yours. Stop these crazy thoughts right now. You know you can’t take advantage of a vulnerable woman like this. That would be all kinds of wrong.
She murmurs softly as I carefully extricate myself from her limbs and lie back resting my head on a crooked arm, breathing heavily, and willing certain parts of my anatomy to lie dormant. This is going to be near to impossible. She’s so utterly feminine; that body, just sublime. I can still feel it pressed up against me.
S-h-i-t.
She’s under the effects of alcohol and sleep deprivation. Hopefully she’ll not recall her words come morning.
Chapter 11
DAWN OF A NEW DAY
~ Kate ~
Last night was an emotional avalanche for me. Caught in the throws of a crippling panic attack, then finding myself cocooned in Dom’s powerful embrace, somehow cracked another wall I’d put up to deny my emotions their release. I could no longer fight them once his arms surrounded me. I felt secure, protected, and the walls came crashing down with such force, I thought I’d drown in my own tears. All the while, Dom was an anchor, strong and supportive.
There’s been some kind of connection between us since the day we met. I can’t explain it, and don’t understand what it is exactly. Last night he held together that broken part of me, seeming to intuitively know how to handle my fragile emotions with a surprising level of tenderness and just the right words. How is it that words of comfort from Dominic affect me much more profoundly than those uttered by friends I’ve known for years?
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