She looked down at her plate of food. Her stomach was empty, that was probably what was causing the sensation. She picked up a cold chip. ‘I’m not interested in casual sex,’ she informed Hawk. ‘And I don’t expect—or even want—to meet anyone that would interest me longer term. Bit of a Catch-22 situation really.’
‘You mean there hasn’t been anyone…since Jamie?’
‘That is a very personal question.’ Charlotte dropped the chip. She still had no desire to eat.
‘We’re partners. A good partnership means a level of friendship. Trust. Respect. The kind of relationship Cam and I had.’ Hawk smiled. ‘Like a good marriage, really. Without the sex, of course.’
‘Of course.’ The more blatant reference to sex made talking about it less of a shock, but it still gave those butterflies another burst of energy. Talking about sex with Hawk was not a good idea. It highlighted the fact that they were a man and a woman. Hawk had, however inadvertently, revealed the fact that he was attracted to her. Charlotte could only hope like hell he hadn’t received a similar message from her. She might have been very aware of Hawk right from when they had first met but she wasn’t attracted to him. Butterflies could lie. Couldn’t they?
This was a dangerous space. But maybe Hawk was offering something else. A partnership that matched what he’d had with Cam. Real acceptance. Could she afford to turn that down? Maybe she could kill two birds with one stone here, accept a possible overture to a friendship and deny any attraction at the same time.
‘OK, partner,’ she said as lightly as she could manage. ‘No. There’s been no one since Jamie. I haven’t been remotely interested.’
‘Really? You haven’t even met anyone who’s remotely attractive?’
Was he fishing? Charlotte could feel her heart thumping with uncomfortable speed. She should simply say no and cut off any possibility of seeing that look in Hawk’s eyes again. It should have been an easy thing to say but somehow Charlotte’s lips were refusing to co-operate.
‘I wouldn’t say that…exactly.’
He knew. That satisfied gleam in the depths of those dark blue eyes were a dead give-away. He knew something that Charlotte was only just beginning to realise herself. An attraction existed between them.
A mutual attraction.
What the hell was she going to say if he suggested doing something about it? And would her body and lips cooperate with the orders she knew her brain and, more importantly, her heart would issue? Especially today. Appallingly, it took a second or two for Charlotte to remember just why it would be so inappropriate today.
‘I’ve never worked closely with a woman before.’ Hawk’s tone was casual. Was he trying to move off dangerous ground himself?
‘Perhaps it’ll be a valuable life lesson,’ Charlotte quipped. The sooner they reached verbal safety, the better. She smiled at Hawk, confident that she could extricate herself now.
But Hawk’s grin was completely disarming. ‘I have hopes that it might be a very positive experience. Mind you, I have to confess I didn’t think so to start with.’
‘No kidding.’ Charlotte’s smile felt real for the first time that day. ‘I would never have guessed.’
‘You weren’t what I expected.’ Hawk cleared his throat. ‘So far, I’m very impressed. You’re a lot more competent than I thought you would be—both as a paramedic and a crash investigator.’
‘Thanks…I think.’
‘You’re also a lot more attractive than I expected.’
Charlotte couldn’t look at him. No way. Heaven only knew what it might give away. ‘Is that a problem?’
‘I thought I had it taped but it seems like the jury just absconded again before the final verdict was in. I don’t like distractions.’
‘It’s up to you not to be distracted, then, isn’t it?’
‘Precisely. And that’s something I can cope with unless…’
Hawk must like being precise, Charlotte thought vaguely. She was trying to decide what had stirred up the butterflies again. There was something different about Hawk’s voice. Always deep, it seemed almost liquid right now. It was rippling over Charlotte and oozing into places that set nerve endings alight. This was crazy. She was not attracted to Owen Hawkins. Not like that, anyway. Charlotte almost gulped.
‘Unless what?’
‘Unless the distraction is mutual.’
Charlotte had to fight the urge to close her eyes and bask in the heat his voice was generating. How could this have happened? And what would happen if she admitted the attraction was mutual? If he touched her…or even just continued speaking to her like that, the temptation to explore this desire that had ambushed her might be irresistible. It was unthinkable. Purely physical, of course, but still unthinkable.
‘I’m here to do a job, Hawk. I’m not about to let anything…or anyone…interfere with that.’
The quirk of a single eyebrow was irritating. She had seen it before when Hawk had some piece of information available that he knew would allow him victory in whatever it was they were debating. This wasn’t a professional matter, however. Or was it?
‘I read my contract,’ Charlotte added hastily. ‘The clause about not letting personal relationships between colleagues interfere with the functioning of a department was rather clear, I thought.’
‘It’s probably not something that Elsie would approve of, I have to admit.’
‘The way I read it, it can result in the immediate transfer of an officer to another department or even station. We don’t work in a highly populated branch of the police force, Hawk. Opportunities for transfer would be rather limited.’ And she would be the one to get the chop. Last on, first off.
‘Almost non-existent,’ Hawk agreed.
‘I’ve worked far too hard to get where I am. I’m not about to lose my job.’
‘Neither am I.’
‘I’m glad we understand each other.’
‘Oh, so am I.’
But Hawk’s smile was suspiciously pleased. Had Charlotte succeeded in her intention of letting him know that she had no interest in anything more than a close professional relationship?
Or had she—somehow—only succeeded in confirming that any attraction Hawk was experiencing was, indeed, mutual?
CHAPTER SIX
THE backlash was only to be expected.
She deserved it. But Owen Hawkins deserved to suffer as well. How dare he provoke and, yes, dammit, attract her enough to have distracted her from her time of remembrance and personal grief? She hated the man. By the time Charlotte reached the safety of her motel unit she was disgusted with herself. And with Hawk.
How dare he suggest that she should just forget about Jamie and go and find someone else to be the father of her children? He had disparaged the idea that she and Jamie would have been together forever. He had hijacked her grief and shocked her into anger.
No wonder she had been vulnerable to the physical signals he clearly had no compunction in sending her way. That explained the flashes of desire she’d experienced and the appalling temptation to explore them. Thank goodness she hadn’t let it go any further. She hadn’t really admitted to anything, had she? And if Hawk was assuming she had, she would have no compunction whatsoever in quashing any hopes he might be fostering.
She intended to start first thing the next morning but a sleepless night made it impossible to focus on anything but the job in hand. Her exhaustion prevented any emotion other than the desire to get through the day to surface. Hating someone was out of the question because she was just too damn weary. Fortunately, Hawk didn’t present even a glance that needed quashing. It was as though their conversation had never occurred. As though they had never made any kind of footprint on personal ground. It was weird but Charlotte was simply too tired to try and decide whether it made her feel relieved or disappointed that she had not had the chance to make her feelings about him crystal clear.
Charlotte slept on the journey back to the city and she left work with a wave of
what was unmistakably relief. She had two days off now unless her pager sounded to signal a job too big for Hawk to handle alone. Laura was also due for her days off. They could get out and enjoy themselves with no male company to create any kind of hassles. Or they could just relax at home. The company of a real friend was just what Charlotte needed at present. She might even confess to the possibility of being attracted to Hawk. Laura wouldn’t hesitate to convince her what a bizarre notion that was.
Except that Laura wasn’t there. She had left a message on the phone to tell Charlotte rather breathlessly that she wouldn’t be home that night. She didn’t come home the next day until late in the morning and that was only to throw things into a bag. She was a woman on a mission.
‘What on earth’s going on? Where on earth were you last night?’
‘At Jason’s house.’
‘What? Isn’t he that fireman who doesn’t realise you exist as anything but a paramedic?’
‘That’s the one.’ Laura brushed past Charlotte to head for the bathroom. ‘I’d better not forget my toothbrush.’
‘You’re not moving in with him, are you?’
‘Kind of.’
Charlotte followed her friend into the bathroom. ‘This is a bit sudden, isn’t it? I mean, being attracted to someone is one thing. Dating them is something else. And I don’t know what moving in with them out of the blue is!’
‘It’s not like that.’ Laura grinned at Charlotte. ‘Jason’s got a baby.’
Charlotte could find nothing to say to that.
‘He didn’t know he had one,’ Laura continued happily. ‘Until it got left at the fire station for him to take care of. Nobody knows where the mother’s gone. Working hours will be OK because Mrs McKendry, who’s the housekeeper at the station, has fallen in love with the baby but Jason couldn’t possibly cope for the rest of the time.’
‘So he’s landed you with babysitting?’
‘I offered.’ Laura pushed her toilet bag into the space in her suitcase. ‘She’s a really cute baby. Her name’s Megan.’
‘And she has a really cute father.’
‘Who’s actually noticed me properly for the first time.’
‘As a babysitter?’
‘As someone he needs,’ Laura corrected. She paused long enough to meet Charlotte’s gaze. ‘Yeah, I know. I’m probably being used but right now I don’t care. I get to be with Jason. To help him. I’ve never had an opportunity to have anything more than a passing “hello”. At least this way we have a chance to get to know each other.’
‘How long will you be gone?’
‘I have no idea.’ Laura sounded remarkably cheerful at the disruption to her life. ‘The mother might turn up on the doorstep again any day so I’m just planning to make the most of whatever time I get.’ She paused again. ‘Will you be OK?’
Charlotte nodded. This was no time to try and discuss any personal issues regarding the man she had to work with. Laura was clearly far too focussed on a different representative of the gender. ‘Keep in touch,’ she instructed.
‘Sure. How did the night with Hawk go, anyway?’ Laura was already moving towards the door. ‘Did he try and hit on you?’
Charlotte managed a brief but not particularly amused chuckle. ‘Not exactly.’
‘Just as well for him.’ Laura grinned. ‘Does he know you used to do martial arts?’
‘No.’ The thought of trying to protect herself from Hawk physically was a joke anyway. He was a powerful man. He could pursue her and pin her against a wall any time he felt like it.
Good grief! Charlotte watched Laura drive away and tried to berate herself for letting her imagination run wild. Was her body suffering withdrawal symptoms severely enough for her to start having sexual fantasies at the drop of a hat now? Getting pursued and pinned against a wall indeed. To prove how ridiculous it was, Charlotte closed her eyes and actually allowed herself to visualise the scenario. She opened them a few seconds later. That had been a very bad idea. Had her imaginary self been unable…or completely unwilling to resist?
A day on her own was also a bad idea. Charlotte did her best to distract herself. She changed into shorts, a singlet top and trainers, and went jogging but it wasn’t physical enough. When she reached the bottom of a large hill she stepped up the pace. By the time she reached the top it was painful to try and breathe. Perspiration trickled in uncomfortable rivulets as Charlotte paused and leaned forward, her hands on the railing of someone’s fence as she tried to pull in enough oxygen to stop the rest of her body hurting so much.
‘Are you all right?’
‘Yeah. I’m fine.’ Charlotte straightened and smiled at the concerned stranger. She kept to a more moderate pace as she turned for home but she didn’t rest when she arrived. Not long after her shower, she was in need of another one, having decided to clean out the old woodshed at the back of Laura’s house and chop the pile of wood that was large enough to have been sitting, accumulating spiders and dirt, for a very long time.
She hadn’t told the stranger the truth, had she?
She wasn’t all right.
‘What bothers me more?’ she asked a particularly large spider. ‘The fact that I’m attracted to Hawk or the fact that I noticed it right at the time I never think of anyone but Jamie?’
The spider vanished under the heap of newly split logs and Charlotte used the axe to lean on. She was physically exhausted again but it wasn’t slowing her brain down one little bit.
And how could she have been stupid enough to encourage herself to have some kind of sexual fantasy about the man? She was suffering flashbacks now. Like his face looming closer. When he wasn’t looking grim about something or other, Hawk had very soft-looking lips. Mobile. And just full enough for the top one not to disappear when he smiled. What would it feel like if those lips touched her own? To her horror, Charlotte found herself touching her own lips with a gentle brush of a middle finger as the now familiar butterflies beat their wings so hard against the inside of her abdomen it felt almost like a physical pain. She balled her hand into a fist and went inside to have another shower.
‘It should be a cold one,’ she muttered aloud. The involuntary smile that followed her words was ironic. If someone had told her even a couple of months ago that she would be contemplating a cold shower to distract herself from sexual desire she would have believed herself utterly if she’d reacted by saying something like, ‘Not in this lifetime.’
Housework couldn’t release the tension that Charlotte still needed to get rid of the following day. She vacuumed, she dusted, she cleaned the bathroom. She attacked the linoleum on the kitchen floor with a scrubbing brush and it wasn’t until she paused to push damp tendrils of hair away from her face that a vaguely positive thought emerged.
Maybe, just…maybe, this wasn’t a bad thing. Charlotte knew about the stages of grief. It had been part of her training as a paramedic. Crash investigators had it as part of their courses as well. Shock and denial were foremost as nature allowed the reality of the loss to sink in slowly. Charlotte had looked and acted like a robot for several days after the news of Jamie’s death.
The pain had been unbearable. The tears, anger and even rage had come in waves and had disturbed every aspect of Charlotte’s existence. She hadn’t eaten or been able to sleep, she’d experienced palpitations and even something that had felt like asthma. The attacks had gone on, intermittently, for months. Then there had been the depression and guilt. The endless ‘if onlys’. Jamie should have been with her that night. Not out drinking with his mates.
What about idealisation? Charlotte asked herself as she mopped up the last of the soapy water from the floor. Holding to the past and revering it as the best. She knew what the textbooks would say. When energy was locked into the past, there was none available to develop the future. She had moved on, though, and had learned to live with the loss. She still had times of feeling sad but the devastating disruption was over. She was getting on with her life.
Or was she? Really? Charlotte emptied the bucket of water and then wandered around the small, quiet house looking for another task. What about those other stages? Like realisation—when you could see the weaknesses in past situations and accept that there was bad as well as good and that you could hope the future would hold good as well as bad. Realising that there was still room for similar things in your life and developing new patterns that allowed their inclusion.
Had she ever reached that stage? Or had she been trapped by idealisation and been endlessly revisiting previous stages in the cycle to varying degrees without ever taking that final step? It happened often enough but Charlotte wouldn’t have believed herself caught. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to find a partner for life. It was lonely enough having two days without Laura in the house. But she had always known that nobody could compete with Jamie, could measure up to everything he had offered both emotionally and physically. Had that been some form of denial?
It certainly seemed to be the message her body was trying to convey right now. She wasn’t about to have a relationship with Owen Hawkins. Charlotte had been perfectly sincere in saying that her job meant more to her than that. But maybe he had come into her life for a reason. To demonstrate that it was possible for her to feel physically attracted to someone. To show her, finally, that it was time to let go. To start living again. Her body was telling her in no uncertain terms. Perhaps it was time for her heart to give her the freedom to take that step.
It was a big thought. Too much to contemplate other than in small bites. Charlotte couldn’t see anything else in the house that needed cleaning. She could go and chop the last pieces of wood but she needed more than spiders for company. She needed something that could jolt her out of this unfamiliar and unwelcome introspection. Going in to work had always been her salvation in the past but that wasn’t an option. Hawk was at work and spending time with him right now was something Charlotte really didn’t want to deal with. This was all his fault. OK, if this was the point in her life that marked a new start, maybe she would thank him at some point in the future for the emotional turmoil he’d caused. Right now, she still resented it. And him.
The Recovery Assignment Page 10
