“I need you to explain it to me,” I beg, and grab on to her shoulders. “Start from the beginning. And I want you to tell me everything he’s done. Don’t leave anything out.”
“Okay,” she says, and squeezes the material of my shirt in her hands. “Just promise me, please promise me, that you won’t go after him.”
“I’m losing my patience, Juliana. Tell me. From the beginning.” I put my helmet down to encourage her.
She nods and turns away from me. Then she starts pacing around as she starts her story. “Well, as you know, Aiden brought me to Ireland to start up a new support team. Turns out, he didn’t have the best intentions. Turns out, I might not be as great at my job as I thought I was.”
“Rubbish.”
She raises an eyebrow, but carries on, “Aiden and I had always been friendly, but I could never quite tell if he was flirting with me. I didn’t understand if it was a cultural difference, you know, the way he would touch me,” she says slowly.
Imagining him touching her, even in the most innocent way, almost destroys me. I’m tempted to tell her to stop. But my deep-seeded masochist asks, “How did he touch you?”
“Nothing too bad…at first. He’d place his hand on my back…stuff like that.”
I rub my hand over my face and pray to God to give me the will to carry on with this, because if I can understand it, then maybe I can fix it.
“Then one night, when he was really drunk, he kissed me.”
“Against your will?” I ask, not entirely sure how I want her to answer.
She looks sheepish. “Not exactly. I didn’t ask for him to do it, but I didn’t exactly stop it, either.”
Take a deep breath, I remind myself.
“When was this?”
“The night you asked me to move in.”
My fist punches into my palm and I start to pace around. That night, of all nights. I was already so into her and he kissed her. We’d spent the day together. I wanted her to be mine. Who am I kidding? I wanted her to be mine from the moment I met her.
As if she can see the blackness rising inside me, she quickly goes on, “It was just a kiss, Eoghan. That’s all. And he stopped when I pressed him back. Then I went into my room and I was texting you. Do you remember?”
“Of course, I remember. It doesn’t mean I like it. At all.”
Now she’s angry. “It wasn’t my fault. You get that, right?”
“Of course. I’m sorry. So, then what happened?”
“Right after we kissed, we both agreed that it shouldn’t have happened and that we should never do anything like that again.”
“And how long did it take for him to go back on his word?”
“Not long at all. He approached me on that Monday in the break room and grazed against me.”
The growl that comes out of me sounds like a threatened wolf. This is torture, plain and simple.
“Did you want him to do that?” I muster the courage to ask.
“No, Eoghan. I was only interested in being friendly. I never wanted any of this. In fact, I wanted to keep it on a professional level from there on out, not even friendly.”
“But that’s not what happened?” I ask.
“He tried a couple of times…like the night you were late coming home from Dublin.”
“Fuckin’ Dublin,” I mumble.
“He drove me home and made a move on me, but I dodged it. And then on Halloween, well, you saw enough of that.”
“I knew I should have put my fist through his face that night.”
“But, that’s when everything changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s like a switch was flipped and my work life became hell. He gave me these terrible assignments, he left me out of the loop, he started documenting—”
“It was retribution, Juliana.”
“I know that. I think the final straw was when he caught us making out in the CloudSoft parking lot one morning.”
“He was watching us?”
“Yeah. When I saw him, he took off.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that? Why didn’t you tell me any of this? I could have helped you.”
“Helped me, how? By going to jail for assault? No, Eoghan, that wouldn’t help.”
She’s not wrong. I would love nothing more to destroy this mutherfucker. My fists ache to do it.
“After that, I was shut out and then the transfer happened.”
“Is that everything?”
“Not quite. Today, when I went in to get my stuff, he approached me and admitted that it didn’t have to be this way…if I had chosen to be with him. He grabbed on to my arm, and then Javier was there. He pulled Aiden off me and practically choked him.”
“Javier did that?”
“Yeah. I begged him to stop and thankfully he listened. I don’t think he’ll lose his job.”
“I owe the lad,” I say, so grateful that he’d been there and stepped in. But it should have been me. I should have been the one choking that fucking demon. “Is that it?”
“Pretty much.”
I shake my head. “That can’t be all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Where’s the part where you report this to Human Resources? Where’s the part where he gets fired for harassment?”
“It’s his word against mine.”
“So?”
“It’s so easy for guys to say this. Just report it. You have no idea what it means to do something like that. You have no idea what it could do to my reputation, especially since it’s my word against his. He’s too good at this, he’s a pro. He’s got all this documentation on me, like demerits. They’ll think I’m making it up.”
“So, you’re rolling over? Just going to bend over and take it?” Not my finest moment, but she gets the point.
“Eoghan…”
“If you’re not going to do anything about it, then quit your job,” I plead and make my way over to where she’s standing by her bedroom again.
“I can’t…you know I can’t. I’ve got loans, Eoghan. Big terrible ones. Loans that I can’t pay back without a job of this caliber. I’m not going to ask you to carry that burden.”
“I would carry anything for you, lass,” I say, and then put my hand into her hair and make her look up at me so she can see in my eyes that I mean it. “Any loan, any weight, any bleedin’ thing for you.”
She takes a step toward me and places her hand on my chest. “I know you would, and I love you for that. But I also love you too much to let you do that.”
“Juliana…”
“I have to do this on my own. You give so much to everyone…too much. How can I ask you to take care of me, too?”
“You’re the only one I want to take care of, Juliana. You’re all that matters.”
She goes on. “This doesn’t have to be forever. I’ll go back to San Diego and keep working while I try to find another tech job here. I’ll move back.”
“You don’t need a job in tech. You’ve got your photography—that can sustain you. You’re so talented, lass.”
“It’s not enough,” she whispers, and then covers her face and starts to cry.
My arms immediately wrap around her and I pull her against my chest. I don’t know how long we stand like this, but it’s long enough for me to feel like I still have some control over this situation. “Let me take care of you. Just stay with me.”
She takes a deep breath and looks up into my eyes, and that’s when I know that I’m going to marry this girl and that we’re going to live happily ever after. Everything is going to be grand.
But then she speaks and breaks my spell. “I can’t stay and I won’t let you do that, Eoghan.” I blink a few times and try to understand what she’s just said. She pulls out of my arms and I let her go. “You’ve been taking care of everyone your whole life. I won’t take advantage of you and your kindness. I’ll go back to San Diego and stay with my parents. Then I’ll get another job and I’ll c
ome back.”
“What if you don’t find another job?”
“I will. I’ll make my way back here, I promise.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know, a few months, maybe six. My dad told me I can stay as long as I need, but I don’t think it will take too long.”
“Your dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you come clean with him about us?”
She pauses, and then shakes her head no.
“Are you fucking serious?”
“I didn’t see the point, since I’m going home. I’ll tell them when I get there. I’ll explain it to them.”
“You didn’t tell them? You didn’t…? Do I mean anything to you at all?”
“You mean everything to me. Everything,” she says and takes two steps toward me, but I back up. It’s too late. I’m pushed over the edge.
“I put my life on the line for everybody. I put everyone’s needs in front of my own. I’m fucking sick of it, Juliana.”
“I know, Eoghan. I know.”
“My mother. My brothers. My bleedin’ father,” I spit out. “Even Dylan. Feckin’ Dylan. The person I never thought would let me down. He’s going to New York, you know? He’s fucking leaving.”
“I know,” she whispers. “They told me.”
“And now it’s you.”
She tries again to come to me, but I put my hand out to stop her.
“I never would have left you, you know that? I would have been devoted to you for the rest of my life. But now? Now?”
“Eoghan—”
“I can’t, Juliana.” My throat is as tight as my fist. Everything is collapsing in on itself. We’re imploding right before my eyes.
She forces her way to me and grips on to my shirt. “This doesn’t have to be the end of us.”
“But it is. For once in my life, I’m drawing a line.”
“No, please…” she begs and grips on to me tighter, but it does no good. I forcibly remove her hands from me. “Eoghan, I’ll come back.”
“If you go to California, don’t bother coming back. I don’t want you to.”
She visibly shudders at my words and it feels good to hurt her. She should feel as bad as I do.
“I mean it. Pack up your stuff. I’ll ship it to you.”
“Please, Eoghan.”
“No, just go. Leave me. Everyone else does. Why should you be any different?”
“Why are you doing this? Why?” she pleads.
“Because you’re a coward, Juliana.” Her jaw drops. I don’t give her a chance to respond, instead I crowd her space and back her up to the wall. “Because you can’t find the courage to stand up for yourself—to believe in yourself, to believe in me, to believe in us.”
“I do believe—”
“You’re running away and going back to a job that treats you like utter shite. You’re going back to a family that doesn’t accept the fact that you’re grown woman who can live with and be with whomever she chooses.”
“It’s not like that.”
“You’re giving in and giving up on us. You said that you loved me, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“Of course, it does. I love you so fucking much.”
“Not it doesn’t, because you let him win!” I shout. “I’m doing this because you let your fucking boss win. You didn’t fight hard enough.”
“You don’t know, you don’t know how hard I tried to make it work. But he—”
“He what? He didn’t get to fuck you, so he dropped you? And what did you do about it? Not a fucking thing. You might as well have let him fuck you, because the result is still the same. You broke us.”
The slap she delivers is sharp and brutal, but it doesn’t take the pain away. Nothing ever will.
Juliana slides down the wall to the floor and begins to sob. I take a few steps back while my mind reels.
“Why?” she asks one more time through her tears. The painful look she gives me will haunt me until the day I die.
“Because I’ve been hurt one too many times and if you can’t find the courage to stay, I’m through.”
“I’m sorry, Eoghan,” she whispers.
“Sorry isn’t good enough. It’s never, ever good enough.”
And with that, I walk out on the only woman I’ve ever loved.
Julie
The last thing I saw was Eoghan flying down the stairs, away from me. Since then, my sight has been blurred by tears, and I’m stuck on the floor, crying into my hands with my heart shattered into a million pieces.
There are a lot of things I’m hating myself for, but mostly I’m hating myself for not taking Aiden on. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was protecting my life here, my relationship. Clearly, that backfired.
But it’s too late now. At least it feels that way.
Eoghan is gone, and he made it pretty clear that it’s over between us. Yet, I can’t shake the small amount of hope that believes he would never really walk away from me. I hope I’m right.
Christ, I should have gone after him. Maybe I still have time, since he left his helmet here.
Before I lose another moment, I’m on my feet and going down the stairs, as fast I can. The pub is full and noisy and the last place Eoghan would be. I quickly check the office and the kitchen, before swimming upstream through the people and out the doors of the pub and into the middle of the street. I look in all directions, but I don’t see him. His motorcycle is parked and the car is, too.
“Eoghan!” I shout from the bottom of my lungs. My voice echoes off the buildings of Cork City, but that’s the only thing that comes back to me.
I try again.
And again.
And again.
I’m unsteady on my feet and I feel myself collapsing to the road, but Dylan is suddenly there, picking me up into his arms and carrying me to the sidewalk. He sets me down on the curb and sits beside me. Ruth takes a seat on the other side and puts her arm around me.
“He’s gone,” she whispers. “He’s gone.”
“I love him,” is the only thing I can think to say, and with that, the last few tears I have in me slide down my cheeks. The three of us stay there and hold on to each other like it’s our last night together. In so many ways, it might very well be.
Eoghan
My fist pounds on the door. The time has come to have it out. All this time, I shouldn’t have been so quiet. All this time, I shouldn’t have sat by and let this happen.
No one answers, so I pound louder.
“I know you’re here,” I shout. “Open the door!”
A dog starts barking from across the street, and then another. I’m not fazed. I knock again.
Finally, the door swings open and it’s exactly who I’m hoping to talk to.
“Eoghan,” my mam says. “What on earth are you banging on the door for?”
I shove past her and march into the house. The case I’m looking for is exactly where I expect it, stuffed in the hall closet. I yank it out and head to her room.
“What are you doing?” she demands to know as she follows close behind.
The suitcase lands on her bed and I unzip it.
“Start packing,” I order her, and then pick up a few pairs of shoes and drop them in.
“What is this?” she shouts, and one of the curlers in her dyed dark hair dangles loosely.
“You heard me. Start packing.”
“Where are we going?”
“Away, just feckin’ away from here. It’s about time you stood up for yourself and left the rotten bastard.”
“Eoghan, don’t speak that way about your da.”
“I mean it, Mam. I’m sick and tired of you just rolling over for the man. Why don’t you leave him? Tell me.”
“Because we’re married.”
“That’s not a good-enough excuse anymore. Divorce is legal in Ireland for this exact reason. He treats you like shite. In fact, he treats this whole family like shite.”
“Eoghan, listen—”
“No, I won’t listen anymore. I have done everything a good son should do. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t drag you out of here, away from him?”
“Because I love him.”
“Love? That’s all you’ve got?”
“That’s all I need. I’m never going to give up on him.”
My body gives up the fight and I take a seat on her bed. My head drops down into my hands. The bed dips as she sits down beside me.
“Do you know how insane you sound? You’re a victim, Mam. He’ll never stop hurting you.”
“I’ve thought of leaving him countless times, Eoghan. It’s not as easy as it sounds.”
“It should be easy.”
“Love isn’t easy.”
That’s the truest statement I’ve heard all day. I huff and shake my head.
“My marriage with my husband is certainly complicated. Just as complicated as your relationship is with your da. I was keeping this private, and I’m sorry for that, but we’re in counseling. It was Paddy’s idea. He’s trying to right his wrongs.”
My head lifts a bit out of my hands and I look at her through one very skeptical eye.
“He’s trying to get better,” she goes on.
“Right. I’ll believe that when pigs fly.”
“He is, don’t ya know? He’s been trying.”
“That’s a load of shite. He’s been gambling. I saw it with my own eyes today.”
“I think you’re confused, Son.”
“I’m sorry to tell you this, but I saw what I saw. I mean, if he wasn’t, why isn’t he home? Why’s he always with that feen, Tom Donneley?”
“Tom?”
“Yeah, ya know him?”
“That’s his—what’s the word?—sponsor.”
That makes me genuinely crack up. I’m laughing now, so hard, and she gives me the most befuddled look.
“What?”
“Do you honestly believe that’s his bleedin’ Gamblers Anonymous sponsor? What a load of—”
“Shut your mouth,” she snaps. The hurtful look on her face is brutal.
There’s little chance to respond, because my dad’s voice carries from the living room, “Fi, we’re back with chips.”
“You’ve got to be coddin’…” I jump to my feet and storm out of their bedroom.
Pull At My Heart Page 33
