by Lila Felix
“Yeah, I know. I still love you too, you know that, right?”
She nodded, “I don’t even know if I want to go anymore.”
“You know you are.”
She got up and did the Reed pace thing. Her hands went to her hips, a sure sign of serious doubt and thought.
“I’m just not gonna go. It’s just an Aunt.” I didn’t want her to go but I’ll be damned if what we had was in limbo for nothing. At least she should get to know her family again. It was all for her anyway, always had been.
“It’s your Mom’s sister. It’s not just some lady off the street. And you’re the one who wanted to find her. “
“I know who it is Falcon. I’m not, I’m just not going. And you’re the one who hired the private investigator to make sure you found her.”
“I was helping you. You have to go Reed. You know why? Because one day your curiosity about what could have been is going to slowly turn into regret. And then regret will gnaw at you until it turns to resentment. And whether you want it to or not, that resentment is one day going to aim itself at me—because you stayed here with me instead of going. And I won’t be the cause of your regret. It’s going to make you hate me. And I won’t let you throw this opportunity away.”
“But you and your family is all the family I need. I don’t even know those people. Anyway, I didn’t want to find her, she left me.” The tears floated just above the top of her bottom lids.
“But I know you want to. You should at least go meet her. See who she is; find out why she didn’t want to take care of you all those years ago. I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to be across the city much less across the country, but I think you need to do this.”
“I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.” She leaned back against the kitchen counter and looked to the ceiling.
“As long as you need to, I guess.” And it was a guess. There was a big part of me that recognized the fact that she may never be back. That she may go to Oregon, love it and love her Aunt again and meld into a life with her. But she deserved that. She deserved a family like the one I had, like the one I wanted with her. And I was willing to let her go, gambling that either way she would find happiness.
“You make it sound so easy,” she banged her head on the cabinet behind her.
“You think this is easy Poppy? You can’t be serious.” She let out a great huff and banged her head on the cabinet again.
“My flight leaves in the morning.”
“I know. Can I drive you?”
“No, I don’t think I could take that. Maddox is going to drive me.”
My heartbeat plunged into my ears. My feet were lead blocks beneath me. Fingertips tingled, begging me to touch her. I forced them to restrain. Had to leave so she could do what she needed to do without me leaning on her. It was a strange occurrence. I was alone and miserable before I met Reed and I didn’t even know the extent of it. At first I thought I was the one helping her, by buying her a house and fixing it up and other stupid, superficial material things. I was a fool, and idiot of the greatest magnitude. It was this beauty before me that gave me the world without monetary exchange. She gave me a purpose, and gave me a joy I’d never known. And now I had to let her go so she could find her joy. And I was a bastard, because though my logic was sound, I didn’t want her to move one inch away from me.
“I’m gonna go so you can pack.” I got off the stool and backed up one step.
“Already?” She looked back at me—another step back.
“Yeah, if I don’t go now, I won’t be able to at all.” I choked it out, my throat parched and sandy.
Tears ran down her face and dropped onto her shirt.
“Just go Falcon.” She pushed off the counter and went into her room. Anger, yes, anger, I could deal with that. She would be pissed when she left and would do what she needed to. Yes, anger festers—she would forge ahead because of it.
I shut the door to her house and drove to the Riverwalk by the French Quarter. I walked for miles and miles before I stopped and turned around to double back. By the time I got back in my car it was well past three a.m. and my insides were in knots. But despite my earlier resolve, I couldn’t let her leave like this.
I drove to her house and used my key to open the front door. I went right for her bedroom. I didn’t care what time it was or what she had on. I needed her. I needed her to see, to feel how much I loved her one more time before she would leave me, possibly forever. I had to feel her beneath me, hear her moan my name, inhale the scent of her hair, her skin, make her understand.
I reached her bedroom, to find her waiting for me. She was sitting on her knees staring at the doorway, still and needing me to fill the empty space. She reached out as I approached and pulled my shirt off by running her hands up my torso. She ran her fingertips over my beard and smiled slightly. I laid her back as she grabbed the back of my neck and as my body pressed against hers, I begged my mind, my heart, to remember this. To let this moment brand me, periodically stinging me like an old wound, making me relive it over and over.
Lips and tongues invaded and sought out the others’ mouth, sealing our connection with more than words. Somehow we shifted and she laid on top of me, her teal hair the curtains to my own personal canopy bed. She looked down on me, face filled with love. She straddled me, sat on my stomach and silently explored me—the tips of my ears, the line of my jaw, the outline of my abs. I forced my eyes to stay open, though they desperately wanted to close in pure pleasure. She was memorizing me as well.
Her fingers ventured lower and reached the button of my jeans.
“No,” I put my hands on top of hers and pulled them away.
“I just, I needed to see you, even if this is the last…” She moved from on top of me, sat on her haunches and blew out a breath.
“Promise me one thing, Poppy.” I murmured. She didn’t look at me so I grabbed her face in my hands and made her look at me.
“Anything,” She answered and one lone tear ran down her face.
“One way or the other, come back to me, in a month, or a year, when you’re old, a haunt in my dreams, an invasion of my sanity, make a way to come back.”
She nodded and I forced myself to leave. I tossed the key on her coffee table and closed the door behind me.
Chapter 36
Reed
Everything was about him. I ate those everything bagels, not because I liked them, but because he did. I drank Diet Mountain Dew now, not because I liked it but because he did. But I swear I didn’t go to the drugstore on purpose and buy the body wash he used just to smell it. Because that would just be looney. Oh God, please don’t let the derby girls find out.
I had been gone for six months. Aunt Elaine was different than I remembered. Her reasoning for not keeping me was simple and honest. She never wanted kids and thought I would be better off in the foster system than with her. She had one photo album full of pictures of my parents, other than that, I couldn’t think of a thing in common with her but I hadn’t found the courage to return home yet. Falcon and I had exchanged shallow, meaningless emails that revolved around the weather and Nellie but other than that, we hadn’t been in contact. My phone rang and to my dismay it wasn’t him—again.
“Hello Mad Maniac Maddox.” He and I had talked almost daily since I left. He and I were more alike than anyone knew.
“How long are you gonna make him suffer?” He was so angry; I could tell his words came from a clenched jaw.
“Whatever Mad, I’m doing what he wanted me to do. I’m getting to know my Aunt Elaine again. He hasn’t even called me. For all I know, he’s moved on.”
I heard a bang and I could’ve sworn he threw something. “For a girl who Falcon claims is so damned smart, you sure are stupid. He’s here, miserable as all Hell, pining and practically glued to his phone waiting for you to call.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about Maddox. If he’s so miserable, as you put it, why hasn’t he called?”
“He bought me the house?” Maddox was right; I was stupid to think that dumb luck gave me that house.
“Duh—you claimed he was trying to get rid of you by finding your aunt, but it looks like the tables have turned. I gotta go, he just pulled into the driveway.”
And just like that he hung up, leaving me stunned.
I called Nellie immediately. “Oh my God, I miss your cute mug so much right now.”
She never answered ‘Hello’ or anything. She just started talking.
“Did Falcon buy me that house?” She started to talk but she always sounded like a mouse when she lied. “The truth Nellie Michelle.”
“He’s gonna kill me.” I could hear her closing her office door.
“Spill your guts or the next time you and I are on the track, your ass is mine—same team or not, you feel me?”
“Ok, ok, ok, yes, he bought you the house. But I’m not telling you anything else.” We’ll see about that.
“What about the ten grand?”
“Ugh—that was from him too. You wanna know what size panties I wear too?”
“Um, eeew, is it bad? I just—I mean, he hasn’t called. He keeps his phone off. I just assumed he moved on. I’ve been trying to convince myself that he’s moved on.”
“It’s pretty bad, Reed.”
“He’s back to working all the time? Specifics, woman, give me specifics.”
“He works all the time—and he’s taken on a job as a tax preparer. He cancelled his annual summer road trip with Maddox so he could go to summer school. He lives off of black coffee and protein bars. He doesn’t come to family dinners anymore. I wanted to call you and tell you but I just felt like I would be butting in.”
“You should’ve called me. I was going to come home anyway. I got into New Orleans Community College. But I didn’t know. Maddox is right, I am stupid. Do you think he still loves me Nellie?”
She laughed a little, “The ball has always been in your court Reed, always. He’s loved you since he first laid eyes on you, whether he knew it or not. Better come save him before he goes too far.”
“I’m on my way.” I said and began packing while I was still on the phone with her.
“Should I tell him or not,” she asked.
“Um, no offense, but you’re not the best secret keeper, Nellie.”
“Oh, that? No, that was clearly a case of sistas before mistas, hoes before bros, chicks before…”
“I get it. I’ll see you soon.”
Chapter 37
Falcon
I hate protein bars. They taste like someone in a factory far, far away in WannaTasteGoodland was trying too hard. They wanted to taste good but just didn’t quite make the mark. Too bad I can’t eat regular food. Reminder to self: Don’t take girls to your favorite place to eat. Especially those who say they’re gonna marry you and then never speak to you again.
I got to my apartment, showered and then collapsed on my bed but not before downing some sleeping pills. I started taking them about three months ago when I was so tired it almost brought me to tears.
I heard a car outside, sometime in the middle of the night. The pills helped me get to sleep, but eventually I woke up to some random noise or just thinking she was there next to me.
I got up and scrubbed my face and saw her on the couch. Oh God, now I’m really losing it. Mom’s gonna make me go to a shrink or something.
“Falcon?” Now she’s talking to me, son of a bitch I’m seriously a head case. Oh well, might as well use the insanity to my advantage.
“Yeah, who else is it gonna be?” I asked the apparition.
“Well, at least you didn’t lose your sarcasm while I was gone. But you sure don’t look like my Falcon.” She got up and approached me. Holy shit, it’s really her—here.
“You’re here?” Duh, asswipe. We’ve figured that out.
“Yeah, I just got in a few minutes ago. I still had your key. I’m exhausted.”
“Sleep here, I’ll get on the couch or just get up. I’m not sleepy anymore, anyway.”
“Can—I just want you to hold me. Would that be okay? We can talk in the morning.”
I scooted over and she got in, clothes, shoes and all. “I remember the first time you asked me to hold you.”
“Me too, it was right after you found out I was homeless.” I looked at her, shocked. I didn’t know how she found out, or how much she knew and I couldn’t ask her. She was already asleep.
I woke the next morning with her face on my chest, breathing in and out. She was real. It wasn’t a dream.
She turned her head to face me, “It’s about time you woke up. It’s a quarter after noon.”
“Are you back or are you just visiting or what?” I pulled her up closer to my face, breathing her in, just in case it was the latter.
“It depends on you. You’ve given me everything. Your home when I had none, your heart when I’d lost mine, a home of my own when you saw one perfect for me, a ring to solidify our love, you’ve given me everything Falcon. I thought you were pushing me away. But it was just one more thing you were trying to give me, to make me happy. But what I want to know is, what’s gonna make you happy?”
“How did you find out,” I asked.
“Our family has really big mouths. And they love us so much; they made sure I knew the truth. And Maddox really loves you fierce. He dogged me out good and I deserved it.”
“I’ll kill him,” I said through my teeth.
“Nope, I granted him asylum if he did me a favor.”
“I’m glad you finally know. So what happened with your aunt?”
“She’s great. She’s just kinda wild and free. So, I applied and got into New Orleans Community College. It’s not Tulane…”
“That’s amazing, Reed, really. I’m so proud of you.” I squeezed her tight.
“Me too, so what’s it gonna be Beardy Smurf?” She tugged at my weird facial hair.
“Are you sure you’re back to stay?”
“I’m sure. I was coming back anyway. I’m starting school in the fall. I just needed a push in the right direction.”
“I just want you near me; we can still wait to get married if that’s what you want. If not, well, I’ll just take what I can get.”
“We can take it one day at a time. I’d give you everything I own if you wanted it. You’ve given me so much. How am I ever going to repay you?”
I laughed and kissed her breathless. “I just need you Poppy. Just give me your heart and we’ll call it even.”
“Deal,” She said, her lips against mine, her heart where it belonged, beating against my own.
The end…for now.
Keep reading for Chapter one in th
e next Love & Skate series, Down ‘N’ Derby.
Down ‘N’ Derby
Maddox Fitzgerald Black
They say that between the hours of two a.m. and four a.m. are the hours that most people are in the REM cycle of their sleep. It’s the time that soldiers attacked during the night, it’s the time that authors clicked their keyboards, the time thieves struck, and it’s the time that Nixon was asked to be at my house so I could get the Hell out of here before my mom could rip me a new asshole.
She would figure it out eventually. Especially since most of my research was photocopied and left purposefully on top of my bed sans exact locations. I hated to break her heart but I had to know. It was eating me alive not to know for sure that he was an asshole. I wanted him to be a bastard like me. I wanted him to be some stuck up rich guy with a teen girl fetish because at least that would make some sense as to why my mom had to go through everything she did alone. Because hating him was the only way I could get through this and move on.
And Chase—in my head I called him Chase now. He was Chase when Owen and Falcon made faces and expressions that copied him exactly. He was Chase when he slapped my back and called me son. He was Chase when I looked into his green eyes and saw Owen’s or when I looked at his face and saw Falcon. I called him Dad to his face but it wasn’t without choking. Not because he wasn’t a fantastic dad, because he was. But my own hang-ups wouldn’t let him be mine.
And Owen and Falcon—this whole thing would tear them up but that couldn’t be helped. That’s what happens when you keep huge secrets from your family. In my heart, Owen and Falcon would always be my brothers and my best friends. I don’t remember a time or a memory from my childhood that doesn’t include them. But they were just childhood memories. Faded, cloudy, twisted thoughts that I now analyzed and tried to subdue because of the lies they were built upon.
I had completed my last task for my family before I left. I made sure the secret honeymoon Reed was planning for Falcon was booked. They would get married while I was gone, I guess. But no one knew that yet.
